Scars and Songs (30 page)

Tears streamed down her face as her eyes locked with mine and my words penetrated her brain.  “I told you
I can’t
do this.  I told you I was in love with someone else.”

“An ex-boyfriend, right?  Not Tucker or Ethan or Blake?”

She nodded her head and I lightly wiped the tears from her cheeks with my fingertips.  Thousands of thoughts seem to flicker across her face, but she said none of them.  She just leaned her body back towards me like we were magnets that had been pulled apart from someone else’s hand.

“Let me help you erase his memory,” I whispered pulling her in closer to me.

I didn’t even see the slap coming, but the sting of it echoed and rattled in my skull. 
What the hell was that for?
  Aren’t ex-boyfriend’s exes for a reason?

“You cold fucking bastard!  What will you erase it with, your
dick
?  You really think sleeping with you is that fucking awesome?  I love someone, Shane, with my whole heart.  Don’t you understand what that means?  Do you even have a heart inside that body of yours?”  She cried.  Thick tears poured down her face.  She grabbed her shirt off the dashboard and pulled it back over her head, covering herself.

I knew better than anyone who had
ever
fucking walked on this God forsaken earth what love was.  I had burned in hell for it.  I yanked my hands back and leaned against the door, looking right into her teary eyes.  “No, Grace.  I don’t have a heart.  I did once, but I gave it to a girl and I let her keep it when she died.  That’s why I am the way I am, why every girl is just another piece of ass to me. No one has ever come close to making me feel the way she did,
until now
.  Shit, Grace, I would do anything to erase her, not to feel that fucking hole in my life.”

She looked away from me, sobbing and shaking. Then, in an instant, the tears stopped and her expression hardened.  “Let’s just keep trying our cells, so we can finally get out of this box, forget everything that’s happened, and move on with our lives.  You can go back to your adoring
Pieces of Ass
, and I can go back to being alone. Everyone gets to live happily ever after.”

“Holy shit, Grace!  Do you not listen to anything?  Grace, that’s not a kiss I’m ever going to forget.  Looking at the way I fucking make you cry, I wish like hell I could forget it, but I freaking can’t!  I want
you
!”  I grabbed her hands and pinned her wrists together to keep her from turning away from me.

“Don’t do this, Shane.”

“Why?  Lie to me and tell me you don’t fucking feel the need between us,” I yelled.

“Really, Shane? You want to go there? What are you asking me for exactly?  You just want me to spread eagle for you right here, let you have your way with me, get me out of your system?  Then we get out of this and you get to treat me like nothing but a PIECE OF
ASS?  You can have a great story to tell the guys, all about how you tapped that ass stuck in a snowstorm.”

I pulled her hands closer to me.  I wanted to put them against my heart, to make her feel how it beat for her.

“This is a nightmare, Shane, you and me.  I woke up crying the other night thinking about how you kissed me!”

“Really, Grace?  Why don’t you go ahead and ask me what wakes me up sweaty and trembling every freaking night!  Go ahead, Grace, ask me!” I demanded.  I pulled her even closer so our lips were almost touching.  Her breathing kicked up and she struggled between looking down at my lips to kiss me and getting the hell away from me and out of the car.  Getting the hell away from me won the vote.

“Get away from me, Shane,” she moaned softly, moving away.  She expertly got out of my hands, which
once again,
caused me to wonder why she hadn’t done it sooner if she had the ability to do it all along, and she tried to yank the Jeep door open.  It wouldn’t budge, so she shifted her body and kicked at it until it opened enough for her to climb out.

No, I can’t let her go
.  “Grace, please, I’m not the person you think I am!  Shit, Grace!  Get back in here!”  I screamed as she climbed out of the Jeep.

When she fell out into the snow, she stuck her head back in the car and yelled, “I’m a fucking novelty to you, just because no other girl has ever had the self-esteem to say no to you!”  She pulled her head back out and lifted herself up onto the roof of the Jeep as if she was some sort of fucking bionic woman. 
Holy shit, how the fuck did she do that?
  Fumbling, I tried to open the door, but the snow was too deep outside my door too, so I kicked and kicked at it until it opened just enough to get my whole body through, just like she did.  By that time, Grace was on the roof of the Jeep trying to jump off.

I grabbed her flailing arms, and dragged her off the Jeep’s roof and into the snow.  “Get away, Shane!”

I lifted her up and tossed her over my shoulder like a damn two year old.  Carrying her, I climbed the snowdrifts, as she pounded her fists hard against my back.  Cold.  Cold fucking wet snow was everywhere.  Everything was white. 
Where the hell was I going to take her?
  She was going to freeze that perfect little ass of hers off out there.  When I found an area sheltered by a tree, I eased her slowly off my shoulder, sliding her down the front of my body.  It was like warm butter melting over me, I just about came undone.  She tried to walk away sobbing, but I held her tight against me with one hand on the small of her back and the other grasping her neck through a fistful of that thick sexy hair of hers.

She grasped her fists in my shirt and clung to me silently, crying into my chest.  Pressing her body into me, I knew I had to tell her.  I had to tell her everything.

I gently tugged her hair back and lowered my mouth down to hers, kissing her once on the lips.  I brushed my lips along her soft cheeks to her ear and whispered, “Go ahead, Grace, ask me what dreams I wake from at night.”  I pulled my head back, fixed my eyes on hers, pleading with her to believe me.  “I wake up with you as the last thought in my dreams.  I dream about your lips, the smell of your skin and hair, and the freaking fire that burns inside of me to be inside you.  I want to bury myself inside you and never climb out,
my sweet death
.  Grace, I’m so fucking in love with you.”

She pulled me in closer and blinked back tears.  “In another life, Shane, if I was anybody but me, I would have loved to be loved by you.”

Um, what the hell did that mean? 
I seriously looked down at my chest to see if the Goddamn knife that I just felt had actually been real and pierced right through my heart.  Her rejection literally
hurt me
.  It hurt my chest and made me want to tear off my skin and bleed out all over the pure white snow. 
This isn’t real
.

Yet, Grace still clung to me, eyes wide with tears.  I held on to her as if it was the last time I’d ever get to touch her.  A burning scorched at the back of my throat and I felt the need to gag.  I looked away from those beautiful silver eyes that I loved and my heart broke even further when I heard the distinct sounds of the motor of a snowmobile.

I stepped away from her and raked my hands through my wet, snow-covered hair.  Two snowmobiles appeared out of the blinding whiteness and skidded to a halt in front of us. 
No.  God, please no.  I can’t do this punishment.  I can’t be here and not have her.  I can’t be this close to her and not love her.

Sitting on top of one of the snowmobiles was Tucker who lifted the stupid visor to his flaming red helmet and yelled, “Hey, baby!  There’s nothing to fear. Your superman is here.”  Then the fucknut winked at her.

The visor to the second snowmobiler was lifted and Blake’s drug addict blue eyes peaked out.  He rolled his eyes, jumped off the snowmobile and reached his hand out to Grace.  My insides almost exploded when she took his hand and let him help her straddle the snowmobile, then got on behind her. 
Wasn’t she just fucking straddling me?
 
AND why is she smiling at him like THAT?

Rage surged through my veins making me break out into a cold sweat and ball my hands into tight fists.

I growled and waded through the deep snow back to the Jeep and yanked the passenger side door open.  I pulled our packs and jackets out, and slung both our guitar cases over my shoulders. Then I climbed back over the snowdrifts to Blake’s pansy-ass colored snowmobile.  I angrily glared into her eyes, and shoved her jacket into her arms, “Here you go, wouldn’t want you to get any colder than you already are.”

Grace’s eyes widened at my words and tears filled them again.  Why was she crying if this was her choice?  Why was it hurting her
NOT
being with me?  She looked down at the ground, pulled on her coat and zipped it up.  Blake wrapped one arm around her waist and the other on one end of the handlebars.  He took off without even waiting for her to hold on. 
Major fucknut
.

I stood there, with everything in my arms and talked myself into not walking in another direction, completely away from Grace. 

“Dude, did my cousin just jump on my shit?” Tucker asked.

“Grace isn’t your
shit
, Tuck.  And it sure as hell doesn’t look like she wants to be your
shit
anytime soon.”

“Hey, dillweed.  It doesn’t look like she wants to be your
shit
either. 
That
I can fucking see loud and clear.”

Without having any other option, I was forced to ride bitch behind Tucker.  On a snowmobile painted with bright red flames.  While he wore the most feminine pink-flamed
helmet ever, as I got to watch the love my life speed away with a piece of crap drug addict who she seemed to be smitten with. 
Damn it
.

Seems that Tucker wanted to get Grace away from Blake as much as I did, because he drove his snowmobile so fast, we almost slammed into the back of Blake’s snowmobile before I saw her jump off and run to Lea who was waiting on the porch for her.

I caught up to her, shivering violently in the foyer, while Lea tried to hug her.  I dropped all of our belongings on the floor in front of me, closed my eyes, leaned back and rested my head against the wall.  Without looking at Grace or Lea, I just whispered “Lea, get her out of those wet clothes.”

“I’m fine,” Grace stammered.  Even with my eyes closed, I could tell how cold she was by the sound of her teeth chattering.

I snapped my eyes open and glared at her.  “You’re impossible!”  I stalked towards her, picked her up with one hand, and flung her over my shoulder, ass to the ceiling,
again
.  “Bring the bags for me, will you?  My hands seem a bit full,” I said, locking eyes with Lea.

I carried Grace through the house, down a long hallway and into a dark room.  Lea switched on the lights and I threw
Grace down on a beautiful king-size four-poster bed.  “Get out of your clothes,” I seethed.  Rage washed over me in thick heavy waves. She sat there with a defiant look across her cold, pale, shivering face. “Do you know what hypothermia is?  Get out of your clothes!” I yelled.

She clamped down on her chattering teeth and began taking off her sneakers and socks.  My eyes never left her, as I peeled off my own wet shirt and pants and stood in my ice-cold boxers in front of her.  “I meant every word I said, Grace.  And you cannot sit there and tell me that you don’t feel the same.”  I looked away from her stoic expression and leaned over my bag, searching through it for dry clothes.

Before I could stand up straight, she picked up her bag, and walked into the bathroom, clicking the lock on the door.  I rushed up to the door and tried the knob, but I knew before I even put my hand to it that it wouldn’t turn.  I thumped my head against the wood and my stomach clenched with the thought of her not being with me.  “Come on, God.  How can this be wrong?  It feels too right. 
Please
, I don’t want to do this shit anymore,” I whispered.

I kicked at her door softly and continued dressing.  I packed up my bag when I was done, threw my crap in the next empty room and went to find Lea.

I didn’t have to look too far, because she was waiting at the end of the hallway for me.

Her face was covered in concern, “What the hell, Shane?”

“No.  You tell me what the hell, Lea?  Why the hell does she want Blake all of a sudden?”

“I don’t know.  I thought you and her would…”

I stalked past her and into the living area where everyone was waiting, “Yeah, well you thought wrong.  She doesn’t want me so she pulls me close, holds on to dear life and lies to my fucking face.”  Everyone looked up when I walked in from being with Lea in the hallway.  “I’m going to the resort bar on those stupid snowmobiles and I’m getting so drunk that I can forget the damned person I am when I look in the God forsaken mirror.”

Brayden hung his arm over my shoulder and Tucker nodded his head.  Blake took up the rear and
the four of us walked out of the cabin and jumped onto the snowmobiles.  I was surprised that Blake didn’t feel the need to wait for Grace. 
What the hell game was he playing?