SCARS (8 page)

              I pulled back. “We can’t. I mean, eventually we can but not right now.”

              “I just want to be with you darling. I had to be as close to you as I could get.”

              A shiver went through my body.

              I wanted to be close to him too.

              “Take off your coat and follow me.”

              I took his hand as he removed his coat and led him down the hallway to one of the nicer rooms in the house, the remodeled bathroom in varying shades of seafoam green glass tiles and a walk-in shower was probably the single most luxurious thing I’d ever splurged on. He shut the door and locked it behind us.

              Silently we stood there without a word between us. There seemed to be an unspoken understanding that it was intimacy we craved and that were things we could do other than have sex. We began to peel one another’s clothes off and stepped inside the glassed enclosed shower.

              I turned on the water and it hit us with its icy fingers then quickly yielded us to its warmth. James took me in his arms and we swayed to an inaudible tune. His face buried at my neck, me tasting his skin, each of us breathing the other’s scent in.

              His hands touching my body. Along my arms. Down my spine. On my ass. And his kisses. Those breathtaking kisses.

              I trembled in his arms.

              I thought I might cry from the intensity of it all.

              The sensation of a warm, sexual, sensual, hard body next to mine was enough to set my pleasure center on overload. It wasn’t enough to make me cry but it was enough to make me understand why Ellen had a hard time saying no to all those bad boys.

              The strength in my legs threatened to fail when he took my breast in his mouth and used his other hand to deftly massage and stroke the other one. It wasn’t long before I felt delicious thrill of an orgasm building and when he slid his thigh between my legs for me to ride it wasn’t long before I was shaking and rocking and climaxing crying out his name.

              As I floated back to reality in the strong, steady embraced of his arms I was strong enough to be vulnerable and weak for him.

              I grasped his penis and began to stroke him until he was so hard he was grinding against me and when he came his whole body shuddered and convulsed until we were weak in one another’s arms.

              I had never once dared to utter the L word to another person in the entire time since Kevin had betrayed me in the way that he. There in James’ arms in what felt like warm summer rain I felt love. Yes. That’s what it was. Love.

              It was hard to allow my heart to open. It had rusted shut over the last ten years. I wanted to stay there just as we were. I knew we couldn’t. The water would eventually run cold and we would have to get of the rain so to speak.

              Ellen might fume that I brought him into our house and that I had left her little to no warning that something like this might happen. I could tell her she did it to me all the time. But my mind could only absorb everything about James at the moment.

              His skin. His scent. The strength of his arms. The hardness of his body. And when he looked into my eyes I saw that lost soul looking back at me as if he’d found his home. I was looking at him much the same way.

              There was a world of hurt between us. That didn’t seem to matter. Because at that moment it didn’t seem to matter. All that mattered was that we were there. Nothing and no one between us. Just us.

              He had effectively blown the rust off those frozen shut doors and bulldozed his way in when I’d stumbled upon him at the beginning of the week on that bridge prepared to die.

              I knew that soul.

              I was that soul.

              Every morning it had been a life or death decision. Take the pills, don’t take the protocol. Being HIV positive was not this trendy lifestyle a certain classless group of politicians made it out to be. It was hell. It was branding and it was damn near impossible not to get lost in your diagnosis.

              But there, in the delirium of one another’s embrace, I dared to dream of forever with a man I could love for eternity.

Chapter Eleven

              “You know, eventually the water is going to get cold.”

              His words rang hollow. He was as seduced as I was. This was our own little piece of heaven for the moment and we wanted to keep it that way.

              Then the door slammed and I heard the piercing sound that was disapproval and anger. Ellen.

              “
Rayna!
”

              James chuckled. “Has your mother gotten home?

              A knot of dread filled the pit of my stomach and my skin grew clammy. “Time to face the music.”

              “Wait a minute. Are you ashamed of what we did? Because I’m sure as hell not.”

              “Ellen and I have an agreement. No strangers in the house until the other person has had a chance to meet them. She’s gonna be pissed.”

              There was a hammering at the door.

              “I know what you’re doing in there!”

              “Now I know you’re mom’s here.”

              “No. Mom wouldn’t care enough to be angry.”

              “Whenever you’re done defiling our bathroom you could at least extend me the courtesy of introducing me to the new man in your life.”

              Our foreheads touched. “So are you that? Are you the new man in my life?”

              “For you I am reborn.”

              He kissed me tenderly and we stood there a little bit longer. But as soon as the water began to cool he turned the water off.

              We stepped out of the shower. It was time to introduce ourselves to the world.

***

              “I should be pissed. And I am. But I’m looking at the two of you and I can’t really summon up too much rage.”

              “I know I’m not the one you probably saw Rayna with. I’m the first to agree with you there. I don’t deserve her. But we found each other. She won’t run away. I find I’m in too deep now to let her go. I don’t want to let her go. I refuse to let her go. Understand?”

              “Doesn’t make me any less angry that you two just up and fucked in this house without giving a thought as to when I might have come in.”

              “While it might have been hot, erotic and intense. But we did not just fuck in your precious seafoam green bathroom. Not that I’m one to kiss and tell but I needed him and he needed me. I won’t make excuses for what I did. He brought me back from brink. Understand? He may have been out on that bridge, but I have demons of my own.”

              “I just don’t want to see you hurt.”

              “As long as I live and breathe she won’t be.”

              Ellen looked at him and said, “You best make good on that promise. Because if you hurt her, I’ll fucking cut you. Capiche?”

              “Capiche.”

              “Did you take your meds?”

              “All but my metformin. Need to eat.”

              “Why don’t we eat out? Give us all a chance to know one another better.”

              I could see the pensive look on James’ face. We had just gone through what felt like a life altering experience. Eating out in a crowd wasn’t exactly his idea of a good time.

              “Could we perhaps get carryout?” I asked.

              “No, Rayna. I can do this. I’m not helpless.”

              “Yeah. I heard about the incident at Denny’s the other day.”

              The incident.

              She said it with such distaste I could see that it shamed James to degree.

              “I think I’ll just take James home. Take my meds with me. Stay with him for a while.”

              Ellen looked shocked. When she gasped James took my hand and squeezed it.

              “It’s okay, I’m not offended. People fear what they don’t understand. At least she’s open to hearing about it.”

              James had such optimism where Ellen was concerned. Ellen was a hard nut to crack. For so long she had been my protector. At the time I doubted James fully appreciated the difficulty of the position Ellen was in. In a way she was passing the torch. And she wasn’t sure of the guy taking the flame from her.

              “You gotta understand James. It’s been me and Rayna against the world for a long time now. Boyfriends, even fiances have come and gone. They’ve either been too weak or too much of an asshole or both to stand the test of time. The fact she’s known you all of a week and has managed to engage in some of the most reckless behavior I’ve seen from her ever scares me.”

              “I understand, Ellen. I’ve tried to push her away. But she won’t let me and I can’t deny her anything it is she asks for. It’s none of your business but I took all the precautionary measures needed to make love to her. And while didn’t have sex in the shower we did share the pleasure of one another’s company. I’m a grown man, I’ve served my country. I have a checkered past. I make no apologies to you or anyone else for my life and how I’ve lived it. Rayna wants me in her life. I want her in mine. End of story.”

              Ellen gave me a look of disbelief.

              “You’re allowing a man to speak for you? This is not the Rayna I know and love.”

              I was too shocked to speak. I wanted my moment in the shower to stay there between James and I. And I wanted Ellen on my side. Both Ellen and James had strong personalities. I would have to be my own person. Make my own decisions. I couldn’t lean in the shadows of either of them.

              “James, I can speak for myself. I’m not a child. However that being said, Ellen, I’m not ashamed of my actions either. I haven’t felt this alive in years. I want more than just survival. I want a life worth living. And for whatever reason James brings that out in me. I’m not about to walk away from it. James, I would prefer you to be more discreet when speaking about our sex life. But Ellen, I sure as hell don’t regret it either.”

              James seemed satisfied. He didn’t seem to take offense at anything I said. Ellen leaned forward. “If he’s so great then why don’t go find myself a broken down alcoholic war vet since he seems to dazzle you so.”

              James went stiff and let go of my hand as it clenched into a fist.

              “Ellen, I know we’ve been through a lot but you’re crossing a line you may not be able to come back from.”

              “You’ve know this guy for a week. We’ve known each other for fifteen years are you seriously threatening to throw me over for him.”

              “We all have our secrets Ellen. Some are just darker than others.”

              “Are you implying this man has secrets that would make him an ill suited match for you?”

              “No. I’m saying that I have more in common with him than you might think. So please for the sake of our friendship I’m asking you to afford me the same consideration that I afford you every single time you bring a one night stand home. I don’t judge you or the guy for it so please don’t judge me for my choice in partner. And don’t you dare judge him for his.”

              “Well I guess that settles that,” Ellen said standing up. “James, I hope you’re all that Rayna’s looking for, because clearly our friendship means nothing to her.”

              I looked at James. He was as white as a sheet and fists were clenched as were his teeth. Unshed tears were in his eyes and was beginning to tremble all over.

              For a moment I pushed aside the heartbreak I was feeling at Ellen’s irrational behavior and turned to James. I took his hand and touched his cheek. He had that thousand yard stare and I knew he was trapped in some horrible time and space from his past. For the first time in this entire mess Ellen’s demeanor softened considerably.

              “Is he having a flashback?”

              “Could you get me a cool wet cloth and a glass of water?”

              “Yeah, of course.”

              Then Ellen did what she always did in a crisis. She sprang into action. A regular Florence Nightingale.

              I used to sing.

              I wanted to be a regular Adele. I didn’t have her pipes. But I was killer on guitar. And I was skilled at writing a tune. My voice was quality. It just had a different range. The only song of hers that I ever tried and pulled off without having eggs or rotten tomatoes thrown at me was Skyfall.