SCARS (16 page)

              I sat there. Stunned. Maybe more so than I should have been, just staring down at the phone.

              “Who was it?”

              For another few minutes I didn’t say anything. The reality of what I had been told made me want to cry. But it wasn’t grief I was feeling. It was terror. Sheer. Unadulterated terror. When I burst into tears. James’ face clouded in fury.

              “Was it that asshole, Kevin?”

              “He never got treatment. He infected seven other women. They were suing him. He was diagnosed with full-blown AIDS a month ago. He died yesterday. His mother thought I should know.”

              James went from full-blown rage to dialing it back in order to comfort me.

              “Are you sad?”

              “No, I’m scared. What if I infect you? What if you get full-blown AIDS? What if you die?”

              I was near hysterics.

              That wasn’t like me.

              But just the thought of James lying in a hospital bed dying because of me was more than I could take. I began to hyperventilate.

              I turned to him and he cradled my face and wiped my tears away. “Hey. Your viral load is low. I take PReP and we use condoms. We’re safe.”

              “There’s always a chance in mixed couples for infection.”

              “Listen,” he said calmly. “If I didn’t think the risk was worth it I wouldn’t have come for you that first time. If you’re afraid of dying I understand. But don’t allow yourself to be paralyzed. You’re much too valuable to me as you are to ever be caught up in fear. I’ve lived like that for far too long. If you need grieve Kevin, grieve him. Or at least the man you believed him to be. You were, at one time, going to spend the rest of your life with him.”

              “You know, when I first met Kevin he was everything I fantasized about. He was college educated. A professional. I thought a great lover. I thought he loved me. When he asked me to marry him and we moved in together it was like a dream come true. I thought, finally I’ll be free of my family. But then one day I walk in and find him with another woman. A few months later I’m having a regular check-up because I keep getting a cold that just won’t let up. They run tests and the betrayal is only compounded. I never confronted him about it. And now I’ll never be able to.”

              “Do you need to go to the funeral?”

              “No. That’s for people who still love him. I don’t love him anymore and won’t miss him. Maybe once the headstone is installed I’ll take a moment to thank him for showing his true colors. It’s led me to you. I would have preferred a less painful route.” I was finally regaining my senses. “I have you now. This disease is what it is, and if you think I’m worth the risk then you’re a better class of man than the ones I’ve dated in the past.”

              “That’s not setting the bar all that high is it?” he asked with a wink.

              “Oh James. I proved these last ten years that if I had to I could do it on my own. Every morning is a struggle. Every day is a grind. But even on that bridge. I don’t know. You made everything better. Everything was in color. Every morning I had a purpose to get up. Things weren’t a grind. Without these last years proving I could do anything I needed to in order to survive, with you life is worth not just surviving, but living.”

              “You made me love again. I mean you gave me life. Anything you ask of me it’s yours to have.”

              “Is it okay, I am sad about Kevin?”

              “Of course, angel,” he said pulling me close and stroking my hair. “Of course.”

              We sat there at my prom. My only prom, with me grieving a man who had nearly ruined my life. As I grieved I felt closure. And the shackles of impact on my life lifted and suddenly, I was free from him. Of any obligation I felt towards him. He no longer took up any space in my heart or my head and James was the only man for me. Would only ever be the man for me. I didn’t have to be sad anymore. Not where Kevin was concerned and I thanked God for that.

Chapter Twenty-Two (Start here)

              I ran through the woods. As I ran I heard screams of terror. Cries of agony. It took me back to my childhood almost instantaneously. I pushed myself hard. My blood pounded in my ears. More cries. More like howls of pain. It took me a minute to realize I knew that sound. It wasn’t that of a child. It was that of a man. It was James and he needed me.

              I ran blindly through the woods as it started to rain. I broke out into a cold sweat. My stomach churned. Everywhere I turned there was darkness. I tried to be the light. His light. But he howled on and on and no matter what I did or where I went I couldn’t find him.

              Thunder rolled, lightning lit up the morning sky. All the same I could not get to him. Not until I reached a clearing. Illuminated by a brilliant light.

              A car burned as if it had come from the pits of Hades itself, and off to the side James was on his knees. I came up closer but as I went to speak to him I heard him howl again, and I saw me as a teenager badly bruised and cut in his arms still and dead as he rocked me back and forth.

              I vomited.

              Then I sat up straight in bed. I reached for James, but he wasn’t there.

              I was covered in sweat as I got out of bed.

              The silence of the house was deafening. Panic and adrenaline flooded my senses. I threw the blankets back, got out of bed and headed out to search the house.

              As I came out of the bedroom I heard water running. The bathroom door was shut. I went to turn the knob. It was locked. I grabbed a wire hanger and straightened out the hook and pushed it into the hole and turned the knob as I did so. The door gave way and I could hear the shower running. I could hear James sobbing at the same time.

              I slipped out of my clothing and pulled the shower curtain back. He stood there, his face pressed into his clenched fists. His whole body tense. The water was scalding hot. His skin was beet red except for his scars as the rain pelted down his back.

              Stepping in with him I shivered, pressed my body flush to his and brought my arms around him. And as he howled with pain unspoken I held him.

              For hours it seemed that we stood there like that. Him howling. Ripping my heart out with each roar. His body quaking with each touch of comfort I attempted.

              Finally he turned around and gazed at me a look of torture on his face. I smelled alcohol on his breath. At that moment I was filled with rage and a sense of hurt that went beyond the pale. Tears blurred my vision. Alcohol was his demon as food was mine. Could I be with a man who would turn to booze every time the voices in head and the pain in his heart proved to be too much?

              I wanted to push him away. Slap his face. I wanted to roar and howl with my own pain. It wasn’t fair. This man with a heart of gold for me had been wrecked in ways by others from whom I couldn’t possibly comfort him.

              Tears slid down my cheeks as all I could choke out was a, “Why?”

              He shook in my arms as he attempted to wipe away my tears. I could never hide my emotions very well. Especially my anger. God knew I had plenty to spare. All I could think about was the alcohol on George’s breath every time he came to my room as a child.

              “I…I’m sorry,” was all he could manage at first.

              I so badly wanted to pound his chest relentlessly with my fists. I wanted to hate him. I wanted to get out of that room and run back to the relative safety of Ellen’s and my house where life had been safe and predictable.

              It must’ve been on my face because James looked at me in such a defeated and lost way. He let go of me.

              “It you must, go. Rayna you deserve better. I went to the bridge tonight because I dreamt of Lana. I drank there because all I could think about was how she had once loved me first and how I was betraying her memory by moving on. And maybe I am. I felt so guilty. I thought of her lying dead on her bedroom floor beaten beyond recognition. I thought of how I had failed her. I stood on that bridge tonight and tried to join her. I drained half of my last bottle of whiskey and then I looked to the other side of the bridge and I saw you standing there. Dressed in your wedding gown. I thought of the effort I was putting into our dream. And I threw the bottle over the side of the bridge. And I came home. The whole time I hated myself for betraying you. Knowing you could never forgive me. Rayna if you leave I understand. But please know I’ll always love you. And I’ll always be around to protect you. Losing you would leave me dead inside.”

              I looked down at my hand. The ring was a reminder of what I seen in this man that first time on the bridge. I had seen a good man who’ lost his way. Two months had passed. He was building something. Something for me out in the yard

              In this man’s eyes I had seen everything. Empathy. Compassion. Love. Passion. Desire and tenderness. He had gone out of his way to protect me from Georgia. From the devils of my past. He had saved my life when I was fourteen. Although the time between when I was in the car and getting home was unclear, I knew on some level he held the key to that as well. And when I went to the crash site someone had hidden my crimes from the world. Surely it had been him. But I had to be sure. I had to know.

              “Tell me about the night you saved me,” I whispered. “Tell me James. Tell me everything.”

              “I pulled you out. Your wounds, for the most part were superficial. But you had so much damage to your hands I couldn’t treat them. So once the fire was out I did my best to hide the scene from prying eyes. Then I drove six hours away and took you to an emergency room and since I didn’t know your name I gave you a fictitious one. They treated you. Kept you for forty-eight hours then streeted you into my custody.”

              “How did you manage that?”

“I told them I was your cousin.”

The tension between us was thick. The thought of him back on that bridge terrified me. The thought he had almost thrown himself over the edge of the bridge terrified me. The fact he had hallucinated me well, I was almost grateful to the liquor for providing that trap door of an escape.

Still alcoholism wasn’t something to romanticize in my life.

Alcohol stripped you of your control. Your inhibitions. It made you a reckless person. Someone who was not only reckless with your own life, but reckless with others as well. But James had warned me he was dangerous and had tried to push me away. But I hadn’t let him. I had been firm in my belief in him. This was one mistake. I didn’t know where I stood. He wasn’t my father. But could I bear losing him to a ghost of a woman he had loved years ago?

He reached out for me and instinctively I went into his arms.

Maybe I was inviting devastation into my life. Maybe more pain. The kind that could bury you. But I couldn’t help myself. I loved James. Enough to fight for him. With him. Against his beasts and mine.

“Please forgive me, angel. I don’t think I can do this without you.”

“Promise me you won’t go to that bridge ever again. Not for any reason.”

He gripped me tightly he looked me in the eye. I knew there was hesitation there. That this might not be a fair thing to ask of him. That this might be where he went to remember Lana good, bad or otherwise.

“I know you need to remember her. That you need to honor her. But not the bridge please. The bridge is too dangerous.”

He said nothing as he gazed heatedly into my eyes.

“You have my word.”

“Never again?”

“Never, Rayna.”

Relief washed over me and I leaned my whole weight into him. He held me there as he leaned his whole weight into me. We clung to one another there as the water began to cool.

Standing there I knew he would never touch the bottle again while I lived and breathed. He was a man of his word. Not going to that bridge meant moving on. Though his guilt was something that he would always wrestle with. As I wrestled with mine.

“I love you, Rayna,” he murmured, “I love you so much it hurts.”

I knew what he was speaking of. It hurt to stand there. To know he had slipped. But I could either forgive him or judge him. As I had lived my life being judged by my sister and my mother I knew I could not, in good conscience inflict this upon someone else. Especially someone I claimed to love.

“I forgive you, James.”

The air seemed to go out of his body and he stood straight up. Gathering me up in his arms he cradled my face in his hands. He looked at me with such heated desire and desperate passion I whispered, “I love you, James. I will always love you.”