Scars (6 page)

It took them two days and a half to reach Oregon, but as far as Holly was concerned, the trip was over way too soon. The town the bus stopped into was called Clarksonville, a few miles away from Portland. The little station left a lot to be desired in terms of destination options, so Holly and Matt decided to board yet another bus that would take them to Portland and to a broader selection of places to go.

Holly was happy with that choice, mostly because it gave her a few extra miles to spend in Matt’s company. It was only 45 minutes worth of traveling time, but she was hoping to make it count.

“Where will you go after we get to Portland?” Matt asked as they watched the Oregon countryside whiz by the bus windows.

“I don’t know,” Holly admitted. “I will probably just close my eyes and see where my finger lands on the map. What about you?”

She asked the question more out of politeness than anything else. She wasn’t really interested in the answer. All she was interested in was the fact that wherever Matt would go next, it wouldn’t be on her path, and that knowledge was making her sadder than she probably had a right to be.

“I don’t know,” he said. “Seattle, maybe. But I won’t go anywhere until tomorrow morning. Tonight I just want to check in to a motel, have a decent meal, and a decent good night’s sleep.” He hesitated visibly. “Would you care to join me?”

Holly arched a blond eyebrow. “Excuse me?”

For the first time, it was Matt’s turn to blush. He went scarlet, panicking. “I meant for dinner!” He croaked. "Not for the rest!”

“Oh.” Holly grinned, amused by Matt’s embarrassment. “Sure. I’d like that.”

“Really?”

“You sound surprised.”

Matt shrugged and gave her a shy smile. “I’m always surprised when a pretty woman wants to go out with me.”

Holly stared at him. Maybe she had been all wrong about him; maybe he did have a softer side. He sure looked soft enough now, acting so shy and insecure. And then something he had said finally registered.

Go out?

Holly felt her heart pick up the pace.

“Hold on,” she said. “When you say ‘go out’, you mean…like a date?”

“Yes. I mean, we don’t have that much time left or that much to lose if things go wrong. We can just have a nice evening with no strings attached.” He cleared his throat. “Unless you don’t want to, of course.”

“Oh no, I want to,” Holly said quickly. And she really did. She had not realized just how badly she was crushing on this man until now.
Oh God, listen to me. I haven’t used the word ‘crush’ since I was fifteen.
“I’d love to go out with you.”

Matt smiled and visibly relaxed. He found her hand again and held it all the way to Portland.

They checked in to a motel not very far off the bus station. Neither of them had any idea what would happen the next morning or where they would be traveling the next day. All they knew was that right here, right now, they wanted to be with each other.

Holly had never done this before—she had never gone on a date with a perfect stranger, that is. She didn’t go on many dates to begin with; it was just
such
a hassle to sneak around her parents, who of course didn’t like the idea of her dating anyone they hadn’t pre-approved, if not chosen themselves. She felt abuzz with a pleasant sense of nervous anticipation she had not felt in a long time, if ever. Besides, this wasn’t just some cute guy who had picked her up. This was a very special man she had met on the bravest, craziest journey of her life.

She took her time to shower, washing away the dirt from two and half days on the road as well as the last remaining doubts. Now more than ever, she felt like she had made the right decision. Matt’s confidence and firm beliefs on the free will of people had finally convinced her that to follow her own path was truly the only option. What kind of life would it be otherwise?

By the time Holly stepped out of the shower stall, she felt energized and self-confident. She truly could do this. It wouldn’t be easy, but she could do it. She could learn to rely only on herself and her own means. Everyone else did, after all. She could do it, too. She
had
to do it. Failure, Holly decided right then and there, was simply not an option.

She donned a simple, 60’s-inspired dress for dinner, sky blue and sporting a full skirt that made her feel pretty and incredibly feminine. After two days and a half stuck on a bus and only relying on quick wash-ups in gas station bathrooms, Holly felt like she could use as much feminine as she could possibly get. She put on her sneakers, which were the only pair of shoes she had brought with her. Admittedly, they were not the perfect accessory in this case, but at least they were black; they went with everything. She didn’t put on any makeup—mostly because she had none with her, but also because she felt makeup would be at odds on a date with Matt. With Matt, she felt no need to hide or make herself any more appealing than necessary. She could just be herself, and he would still listen and give her his undivided attention. She loved that about him.

Holly shook her head, pushing the word “love” out of her thoughts. It was a dangerous word that had to remain forbidden for the time being. It was only a crush for now, but she could easily see herself falling for Matt…and it was about the last thing she could afford at this precarious moment of her life.

She was halfway out the door when the shrill ringing of a phone stopped her. It took her a few moments to realize it was her own cell phone. Holly cursed softly. She had misplaced an old cell phone months ago, and now she had a pretty good idea of where she had left it—at the bottom of her duffel bag, after her latest trip to Paris.

She raced to the duffel bag and rummaged through it, retrieving the shrieking object. The word “Mom” flashed on the display. Holly debated with herself for quite some time, but eventually she picked up; old habits die hard.

“Mom?” she called, tentatively.

“Holly! Thank God! Are you all right? Where are you? What happened?”

Holly took a deep, steadying breath. She was already regretting picking up the call. “I’m fine, Mom.”

“Where are you?” Eleanor Springford asked again, her voice almost as shrill as the ringing of the phone had been.

“On a trip,” Holly answered vaguely.

There were a few seconds of silence from the other end of the line.

“Are you serious?” Her mother said. “We thought something had happened to you. I was afraid somebody might have kidnapped you.”

Holly made a conscious effort not to roll her eyes…and then she remembered her mother couldn’t see her, so she gave her awaiting eye roll all that she had.

“Who would kidnap me, mother?”

“You never know. Our family is wealthy.”

“Yeah,” Holly said bitterly, “I was made very aware of that.”

“What’s gotten into you, Holly? Where are you? Why didn’t you leave a note?”

“I told you, I’m on a trip.”

“Holly, we were worried sick!” Her mother snapped. “When are you coming home?”

“I’m not coming home, Mom.”

Strange. Holly always thought it would be much harder to say it out loud, especially to her parents. As it turned out, however, speaking those words was quite freeing.

“What are you talking about?”

Finally, Eleanor’s voice had dropped in decibels. Now it was almost a near-whisper. Holly almost felt sorry for the shock she could hear in her mother’s voice.

“I can’t do it, Mom,” she said, sitting down on the bed and readying herself for what was probably going to be the hardest conversation of her life. “I can’t live a life I did not choose.”

“Holly, we’re only trying to do what’s best for you…”

“Well, you’re doing it all wrong,” Holly said, with no heat in her voice. “I need to focus on my own path, and I can’t do it in Lincoln. I can’t do it while dodging marriage proposals and forced engagements.”

“Holly—”

“No, Mom,” Holly cut her off firmly. “I’m not coming back. I’m just not doing it.”

“Do you want to send me spiraling back into depression? Is that what you want?”

Holly cringed. She had not seen that coming. She had not seen her mother playing the depression card.

“Mom, come on…”

“I’m serious, Holly. How do you think this is going to affect me, my only daughter running away? I’ll be back on Xanax and white wine cocktails in no time.”

“No, you won’t.”

“I’ll try not to,” Eleanor said. “But it’s what I do when my heart gets broken. I can’t help it, you know that.”

Holly pinched the bridge of her nose with her thumb and forefinger. She could feel tears coming on, and she hated that. She hated that her family still held so much power over her. She took a deep, shaky breath.

“I have to go, Mom,” she said, willing her voice not to break. If she continued talking to her mother, she would surely end up caving. “I’m okay. I love you.”

She quickly disconnected the call before her mother could say anything else, and then she proceeded to take the phone apart. She took out the battery and she threw all the pieces against the nearest wall, listening to the smashing sounds with a certain satisfaction. Tears were streaming down her face by then, but she didn’t care. She fell on her back on the mattress and stared up at the ceiling fan.

It wasn’t fair, damn it. Why couldn’t she have a shot at life as she wanted it? Why was she being forced to run from everything and everyone she had ever known? Why was she being pulled back once she had finally found the strength to be true to herself? More importantly, why was she even
considering
going back?

Her mother just
had
to play that card. She had been more or less fine for a couple of years now, but Holly knew a relapse was always around the corner. And Eleanor knew that she knew. Now Holly was faced with yet another important decision in the span of hardly three days—she could either keep on this path she had just begun to create for herself…or she could go back and rescue her mother from herself. Again. Just like she had done for most of her puberty years, cleaning up vomit from the luxury bathroom in her parents’ bedroom because her mother was too embarrassed to let the hired help do it. 

It just wasn’t fair.

She didn’t know how long she lay there, staring up at the ceiling, her head a jumble of thoughts and her chest a swirl of emotions. It must have been a while, however, because eventually she was startled out of her reverie by someone knocking on her door.

Holly jumped up.

Shit!
she thought, as the fact that she had someplace she was supposed to be resurfaced in her mind.
Matt!

She all but rushed to open the door, and sure enough Matt was standing in the doorway, looking warily at her.

“Are you okay?” He asked.

“I…what time is it?”

He arched a dark eyebrow at her. “It’s ten thirty.”

Fuck.
She was two hours late. “Matt, I’m so sorry…I lost track of time.”

He stared at her, unconvinced. “You know, if you’ve changed your mind you could’ve just canceled.”

“That’s not it,” Holly said quickly. “I promise, Matt. I didn’t change my mind.”

He studied her carefully, still obviously skeptical. “Well, what happened, then?”

“I…” Holly hesitated. “My mother called.”

Matt cringed visibly. “What did she want?”

“She wanted to know where I am. And she wants me to go back.”

“But you’re not, are you?”

Holly didn’t say anything. She couldn’t; she didn’t have an answer at the moment.

“Holly, please,” Matt said, “tell me you’re not going back to those godawful people.”

Holly scowled. “Those ‘godawful people’ are my parents.”

Matt shrugged. “So? You can’t honestly tell me they’re shining examples of good parenting.”

Holly sighed. “I suppose not. Would you like to come in?”

Matt nodded, and she stepped aside to let him in. “So what happened? What did she say exactly?” He asked.

Holly didn’t particularly feel like talking about it, but still she found herself spilling her beans and telling Matt everything that went down during her conversation with her mother—including Eleanor holding her depression over her head like a Damocles’ sword. She told him about her mother’s past struggle and how she had been there to take care of her.

Matt listened closely, as usual, and then he sighed heavily. “Holly,” he began, carefully choosing his words, “I understand how you worried you must be, but you can’t allow your mother to threaten you in such a way. She’s counting on your guilt to make you run back to her and to that life you told me about, the one that doesn’t belong to you. Is that really what you want? To let yourself be trapped?”

“No,” Holly said softly. “It’s not what I want. But if anything happens, it’ll be on me.”

“Nothing’s going to happen, I can guarantee that,” Matt said. “Your mother is just exploiting what she knows to be your weakness. She’s not going to do anything stupid, believe me. It’s a guilt trip, a mind game. Nothing more and nothing less.”

Holly bit her bottom lip, still uncertain.

Surprisingly, Matt reached out. Ever so gently, he touched her mouth with his thumb and pulled her lip out from between her teeth.

“Nothing’s going to happen to your mom,” he said again, his green eyes staring deep into hers to make sure she was really listening. “You need to live your life now, the one you’ve chosen for yourself. Everything else will fall into place, and everyone else will just have to deal with it.”

Holly felt herself tremble. It didn’t really matter that Matt had a point; as long as he looked at her like that, he might as well be trying to buy her soul, and she would have gladly sold it to him. There was an electric buzz in the air. Holly could feel it traveling all over her body.

Apparently, Matt felt it too, because he gently cupped the back of her neck and pulled her to him.