SCARRED (Scars) (13 page)

“I was ashamed of what I had become. I didn’t want you disappointed in me. I thought I could fix the problem myself before you realized what was going on.”

“I always had a feeling that there was something going on. I just never knew for sure what it was. You should have had a little faith in me to talk to me rather than hide it.”

“Why, so you could have left me sooner?”

“I can’t tell you whether I would have left sooner or stayed and worked things out. You took that decision away when you chose to keep it from me. Now I most definitely know that it is over. I am leaving this God forsaken town and all of the pain that comes with it.”

“What do you mean? Where are you going?”

“I have looked into buying a restaurant in Florida. I plan on using the money from my 401k to make the move.”

“So you really are serious. We are over and you are leaving me?”

“Yes, I am doing this. Layla is going to stay here and finish her senior year with my mom before she heads off to college and Blake is moving with me. He will be able to start at a new high school his freshman year. He’s always loved Florida anyway.”

“Please don’t do this. I will fix this. I love you. I promise I will fix this.” Jace cries out.

“I can’t. I need to do this for myself and my kids. You hurt me more than you will ever know. There is no going back.
All I want from you now if for you to get clean and do something with your life. I do love you but not at the risk of my health or my sanity.”

A Ω A Ω A Ω

Lately the stresses of life have taken their toll on me and by toll, I mean stress has kicked the shit out of
me to the point that I collapsed in the middle of the bedroom floor. Apparently my heart couldn’t take the constant up and down of my blood pressure and decided to give me a reality check.

The worst part of it all is that my daughter was who found me. She had been shopping with my mom and got home to find me unconscious in the middle of my bedroom. I hate that she had to see that since I know she thought I was dead. When I came to and the paramedics were checking me out, I could see the fear in her eyes.

My mom called Jace and he came down to meet her and the paramedics. Bad thing is that instead of helping, he made matters worse. He started an argument with my moms boyfriend and then acted as if there was nothing wrong with me.

The damn drugs…It is always the damn drugs. The pills are so addictive. Jace, well he fell into that oblivion head first. I tried to help him. He wouldn’t let me in. He kept telling me he didn’t have a problem. Based on my own past, I knew different.

Our relationship has never been easy. I was never a priority for Jace. I should have known from the beginning but was blinded by my need to be happy. Our honeymoon should have really opened my eyes when his only worry was fishing and talking to his friends about fishing. Looking back now, Cabo was beautiful and romantic; unfortunately I didn’t get to take advantage of all that it offered.

Now I see things a lot clearer. No, I am still not a priority for Jace. I now know that I will never be. It is finally time for me to move on. I don’t quite know what I am looking for but I am certain that it will not be found in this town.

A Ω A Ω A Ω

Once our divorce has officially been filed I find out that there is a year long wait before it can be finalized. They call it a ‘reconciliation peri
od’. Apparently the courts think that if you think it over for a year that you may change your mind. Not me, I am done. I just want to start over, away from here.

I don’t wait for the finalization before I move to Florida. As soon as the kids are out of school for the summer, I pack our things and hit the road. I need to hurry and get settled so I can get the restaurant running correctly and start bringing some money in on a steady basis. I was able to cash my 401k in and get enough out of our separation to purchase the failing restaurant and a small house just outside of Daytona Beach, FL.

CHAPTER 16

2010

Okay, that was quick and easy. After waiting what seems like the longest year ever, my divorce is finally official. I thought the day would never come. Now one last thing before I head home. I called Gavin earlier in the day to have him meet me out by the old lake. When we arrive, I get out and meet him in front of his car. Leaning against his hood, I try to think of the easiest way to do this. Unfortunately, the only thing to do is just get it out.

"We need to talk"

"What's wrong?"

"
Layla told me about the conversation the two of you had at the restaurant last month. I am here to squash that thought before you try and act on it."

"It was just a conversation, we were all joking around."

"Well it will not happen with my daughter. You should know better than to even bring something like that up to her. You are married. She is my daughter, I don't care if she is over eighteen. You will not do that to me. Not after everything we have been through. Why would you even try to hurt me like that?"

"I'm not trying to hurt you. It was a meaningless conversation. And think about it, who really hurt whom here?"

"What the hell are you talking about, who hurt whom, you destroyed me. You got married, did you think I would continue to be your fuck buddy?"

"You hurt me twenty years ago when you left out of the blue. I didn't know what happened, you just disappeared. Five years later you come back to town, the same beautiful woman that left me. I saw you that night at the restaurant and all of the feelings that I was forced to bury resurfaced."

"Yeah, and when I came back you were seeing someone. The same someone you married, the same someone you are still married to. Plus, I was a different person when I came back. I grew up. I had to grow up. Twenty years ago I was not ready for what you wanted. I was just out of high school and trying to find my place in the world. You were looking for long term, a relationship, a family. I was trying to decide on which college to attend. When I got in trouble for drinking I decided the military would be better for me. I needed to get out of this town before I ended up like everyone else I grew up with; an alcoholic or a drug addict with no future. I was determined to be more than that. I deserved to be more than that."

"You wanted me to wait around for you?"

"No! I never wanted that for you. That is why I just disappeared. I knew I wouldn't be able to stay here and drag you down with me. I knew if I tried to explain it that you would never have let me leave. It was for the best."

"The best? For who?"

"For both of us. For you so you could go on with your life without me holding you back; and for me so I could get out of the bottomless pit of shit this town offers to those who grow up here. You didn't grow up here. You moved here to help put an end to the bullshit in this town. The people here have gone no where. The are the exact same people  they were twenty years ago. I wanted more, and while I haven’t lived the perfect life , I know I am a lot better off than I would have been if I would have stayed. Yes, I came back, but left again wanting more for my children than the same shit that was available to me. Besides, you met someone while I was gone. You moved on without me."

"A lot of good that did me. Did I tell you about my ex-wife? Did I tell you about what she did to me? She left me and took our child  while I was laid up in the hospital bed in a body cast from the waist up. You are saying that was best for me?"

"You loved her. The two of you have a beautiful daughter together. Don't ever forget that. Besides, isn't the body cast how you met Lisa? The two of you have been together for how many years now and you have two beautiful kids together. When I came back, no matter what happened, I would have never been able to give you that."

“What do you mean?”

“After Renee, I had a tubal ligation.”

“It could have been reversed.”

“No! I buried my daughter. After that, I would have never been able to handle the emotional trauma of having another baby.”

“We would have gotten through it. Look, I love my kids more than anything and wouldn’t trade them for the world, but if things had been different I would have gone without having more for you.”

“You were married!”

“And as I’ve told you so many times, you are mine!”

“Not anymore, there has been too much. We don’t get to have ‘what-ifs’ and will not discuss what might have been. I am broken and scarred. There is no healing. I can’t change the past and neither can you.”

“You left me. Again!”

“I know. I left everyone except my kids. Layla came back this summer to get ready to go to college. That is why I am here now, to get her settled into classes. You are the one who decided to have a conversation with her that she had no business being in. She was never to know about us, and you most certainly shouldn’t have had a discussion about a relationship between you and I.”

“She thinks we should have been together all along.”

“Yeah and she also thinks she is going to marry a man that is going to bow to her feet and give her everything she wants. It’s time for me to start over. I am tired of my past haunting me. Go home to your wife and forget I ever existed.”

“Jordan, I can’t do that.”

“You’re going to have to. Move on Gavin. There is nothing for us here anymore.”

I get in my car and pull out of the parking lot and head south. I have a new life away from this fucking cracked out town and I plan on making the most of it.

CHAPTER 17

2012

“Hi there, my name is Jordan and I will be your server today. Can I get you something to drink, maybe an appetizer to start off with?” I ask the gentleman sitting at table three.

“No appetizers today, but I would like a steak sandwich, no cheese, add mushrooms with a side of fries, a Bud Light bottle, and your phone number.”

Mother-Fucker!

“Excuse me?” I question the man sitting in front of me. It’s a hot humid day and I am greasy and sweaty from working at the restaurant. With the way I look and smell, this would be the one day my past comes back to haunt me.

“
I said I would like a steak and mushroom sandwich, no cheese, a side of fries, a Bud Light bottle and your phone number.” he repeats grinning at me.

“
I got the order. I am trying to figure out why you would want my phone number. What would make you even think I would give you my phone number?”

“
I wasn't sure you would give me your number; more like wishful thinking.” he responds, winking at me.

At a loss for words, I look around at the other customers in the restaurant then back at the man sitting in front of me. He is still staring with a devilish grin plastered across his face.

“
Um
...Let me go get this put in and get your drink for you.” I respond; gnawing on the inside of my cheek.

“
Okay, thank you, but I am serious about wanting to get your number.”

Somehow I don't doubt that

I turn on my heel and move away from the table to put his order in and get his drink from the bartender. While I am punching things into the computer, Kristen walks up beside me.

“
You are going to break the screen punching it with your fingers that hard.” Kristen nudges my side. “You okay?”

“
Yeah, just the guy at table three has me a little out of sorts.”

“
He is gorgeous. He has me out of sorts and I'm not even waiting on him.” she says nudging me in the side again.

“
Yeah, well you give him your phone number then.” I spit out between gritted teeth.

“
What?
” Kristen questions animatedly.

“
When I went to take his order he told me what food and drink he wanted and then asked for my phone number.”

“
Then why don't you give it to him?” she asks.

“
Kristen, do you remember me telling you about the cop I dated years ago?”

“Yeah, why?”

“Well, that’s him.”

“Oh my God! Really! What is he doing here?”

“That’s what I want to know.”

“Well I’ll admit that when you
told d me about him, I thought you were exaggerating. Now that I see him, I wonder why you ever walked away. Damn Jordan, he is hot.”

“Yeah he is, but I moved here to get away from all that bullshit. I have been hurt too damn many times to be dealing with this now. Y
ou of all people know what I have been through.”

“
Well you know what they say… ’The best way to get over one man is to get under another one'.” Kristin belts out laughing.

“
Kristen, you are under a different man almost every night. I am not ready for this. I have been running from this for twenty years; and that saying does not refer to continually torturing yourself by getting under the same man.”

“
Hey! I am not under a different man every night. I just haven’t found my forever. I am just sampling the menu to help me decide on the main course. You may not be ready for any relationship, but you need to take some time to enjoy things that are handed to you on a silver platter...and that, my friend...” Kristen nods in his direction, “...is Beluga Caviar just waiting to be tasted.”

“
I have already tasted that particular caviar, many times. I have cravings for that caviar often. I cannot go there again. How about you take him his beer. I'm going to go smoke.” I shove the beer bottle into her hands and turn on a huff. Kristin grabs the bottle, heads over to his table, and immediately strikes up a conversation while I head out to go smoke and calm my nerves.

By the time my cigarette is finished, the food is ready to go out to
his table, so quickly I wash my hands, grab the plate to take it to him. Kristin has moved on to chat with one of her customers a few tables over so there is no way I can pass his food off to her to deliver.

“
Is there anything else I can get for you?”

“
What, no phone number?” he asks, his eyes sparkling.

Damn, he is gorgeous.
Of course, he always has been. It is like my life has come full circle. That or it is a scratched record and just keeps skipping back to the same person.

“
No! You just let me know if there is anything I can get you.”

I notice the way Kristen keeps eyeing me as I move about the restaurant checking on my other tables while Gavin works on the sandwich in front of him. Each time I catch a glimpse of Kristen’s smirk, the urge to smack her builds.

It is a beautiful day at the restaurant. The sun is shining and there is a nice breeze. Wearing the required summer uniform of denim shorts and a tank top, soaking up the sunny, eighty degree temperature, When an eerie feeling overcomes me, I look around the restaurant to find Gavin sitting, quietly eating, following my every move with those metallic grey eyes.

Okay, it’s time to get him out of here so I can concentrate on the rest of the day. Kristen just grabbed his empty plate off the table so I guess this is my cue.

Gathering my nerves, I print the check and put it in the binder before setting it down in front of him.

“
I can take this anytime you are ready.”

“
Is your number in here?” he asks as he winks again.

“
No, but there is a comment card in there. We would love to know what you thought about the restaurant, the food, the service, and such. They help us stay on our toes with our customers and changing trends.”

“I can help you get off your toes if you would like. Hell, I can help you get off your feet too. Nothing would pleasure me more than to get you in a horizontal position.”

I turn to walk away and wonder if it was best to give him a comment card. I know I didn't offer him dessert, but I need to get him out of here. Then maybe I can concentrate on the rest of my day. I am also a little afraid to find out what kind of dessert he would ask for. The way his eyes bear straight through me and that lascivious grin he keeps flashing brings back so many memories.

Making my way around the restaurant taking care of a few of my other customers, running food, and straightening up the wait station, I am suddenly frozen in the moment when Kristen comes up and hands me the check binder.

“This is from the God at table three.” she says, smiling like the Cheshire cat from Alice in Wonderland. “He said he didn't need change.”

Opening the book I notice there is a hundred dollar bill tucked inside with his business card on top of it. The comment card is gone but that thought is immediately dismissed when I realize his bill was only fifteen dollars.

So now he thinks he can buy me back.

Quickly heading to the table to question him I stop short when I see he is nowhere to be found. With there being nothing I can do at this point, I stand there for a minute with my mouth gaping open staring at the now empty table
. Unconsciously, I tuck the business card in my back pocket.

A Ω A Ω A Ω

Later that night as I am closing the restaurant, Kristen is sorting through the daily comment cards while I count my drawers down, make the deposit and get ready for the next day. Suddenly Kristen has stopped reading and is staring at me with her eyes bugged out, speechless.

“
What's that look for?”

“
Oh my God Jordan, you have got to read this.” she explains as she hands a card over to me.

Glancing at the comment card Kristen handed me, it appears like most any other comment card we receive; clean restaurant, excellent food, great service, etcetera. That is until I read a little further down the card and see the name, Gavin Lee.

Ignoring it, I ask “Okay, it’s just a comment card. We get them every day so what is that look for.

“
You haven't seen anything yet. Turn the card over and check out what is on the back.” Kristen urges, still carrying the bugged out look on her face.

Oh Hell!

I flip the card over and find the following message.

             
             
Please forward this to Jordan:

                            Jordan,

             
              Twenty years ago you stole my heart and walked

             
              Away. Rather, you kept running away. When I

             
              Walked into this restaurant today, my world was

             
              Turned upside down again. You are still as

             
              Beautiful as the woman I met all those years ago.

             
              The woman I mane MINE! I know a dinner date

             
              would be a bit far fetched at this time but I would

             
              love to meet you for coffee sometime. Please give

             
              me a call if you are interested.

             
              You already have my number.

                            Waiting Patiently

             
              Gavin

“So what are you going to do?” Kristen asked speculatively.

“I don't have a clue. You know I am not interested in dating anyone after all that I’ve been through. That’s why I left everything back home and started over here, without the past haunting me around every corner. I came here to forget, to get away. That past keeps haunting me. Those wounds don't heal overnight.”

“
Oh Jesus Jordan, it's just coffee. Nobody said you had to jump into bed with him tonight, although I would!” Kristen giggles.

“
Yeah, you would.” I giggle with her. “Enough of this, let's get this shit done so I can get home and get some sleep. I haven't had a good nights sleep in weeks. All I want to do is go home, pour a glass of wine, soak in a hot bath, take a Xanax and hit the sack. Do you still need to stay in the guest house?”

“
Yeah, If it is okay with you I would like to stay there for a while so I can get my shit straight. I love your guest house. I would almost consider paying rent so I can move in permanently. My parents are driving me crazy and I still cannot believe I had to move back home after I let that fucktard, Jeff, kick me out of my own apartment. Hell, he even cleaned out my bank account. Stupid me! I still don't understand why you bought that big house for yourself. Your kids have both gone away to college, and it's not like you need all of those rooms to yourself.”

“
I love having a big house. It gives the kids somewhere they feel they can always come back to.” I frown. “It didn’t take my mom three weeks to sell my car and turn my bedroom into an office when I joined the Navy and left for boot camp. I never want my kids to feel that way. As far as your ex and the guest house goes, it happens, and yes you can move into the guest house as long as you don't try to move anyone in with you. There is no way in Hell any man is going to throw me out of MY BEACH HOUSE.” I say laughing out loud. “Okay, let's get out of here.” I stand up and grab my purse.