SCARRED (6 page)

Serene smiled. “Well, if you insist.”

      “I do.”

      “Thanks!” she said and kissed him quickly in her usual spot just under the mask.

      Lawson walked back to the pot of soup and sipped a little from the spoon. He winced and threw the spoon in the sink. With a sigh, he began looking through the cabinets to see what he could find to salvage it; the bread went directly into the trash can, which he replaced with frozen ones from the freezer. Thankfully the weekend was upon them and he could cook.

* * * *

      Theirs was a strange relationship. Lawson and Serene were both to a point where they felt like they belonged to each other. It was easy when they were together, and torture when they were apart. Lawson knew he was dealing with a ticking time bomb. Eventually he would have to set Serene free, or tell her the truth. Both options caused his eyes to water and his stomach to cramp.

      If she knew the truth it was inevitable that she would spit in his face and walk away. He couldn’t bear that. So, for yet another week, he would pretend that she was his, his for good, and enjoy her company and her body.

      He was proud of the slow transformation that was coming over her. She was becoming poised and refined. She still had the mind of a child at times, but Lawson found that endearing, and would never want to completely take it from her.

      They were lying together one night, and Lawson twirled a piece of her wavy hair around his finger. His mind was full of questions that he usually could ignore, but it was to a point that he no longer could.

      “Serene?”

      “Yes?” she said looking up at him quickly. Her latest hobby was crossword puzzles, and she was currently working on a new one. She covered her mouth and coughed dryly.

      “Tell me about your father.”

      Her body stiffened. “Why would you want to know about him?”

      “You never speak of him, and I’m just curious.”

      Serene didn’t want to talk about her father. She didn’t want to picture his face in her mind. The roaring began in her ears, and she counted to ten until it abated. “I prefer to not discuss him, Lawson.”

      “Did he abuse you?”

      Serene bit her lip. What did it matter if he knew?
Because he will see you differently.
Her mind told her. “He was a difficult man to live with.”

      “I see.” Lawson said quietly. “You don’t remember your mother at all?”

      “A few vague memories. I know she liked to draw. I remember a dark-haired woman that liked to read to me.”

      “How did you say she died?”

      “I didn’t.”

      Lawson knew this, but was hoping Serene would tell him. “Was she sick?”

      “Sort of.” Serene’s voice was barely above a whisper and the roaring had returned to her ears. She coughed again and Lawson noticed her hands were trembling. He looked down and saw a faint sheen of sweat across her forehead. He held her tightly, sorry he had mentioned it all.

      “I saw her.”

      His body stiffened. “What do you mean?”

      Serene had bottled all of it up for a long time. She had convinced herself for years that she didn’t remember, and once she realized she did, she packaged those memories and tried to throw them away every time they threatened to resurface.

      “I saw her hanging.”

      Lawson closed his eyes. He wished with all of his heart he could take back the original question about her father.

      “She hung herself?”

      Serene nodded. “Her eyes were puffy and swollen. Daddy had beaten her again. I barely remember her holding me tightly to her chest. I had been asleep and woke up to her holding me too tightly. I had pushed at her, telling her I couldn’t breathe.” Serene took a deep breath and felt drops of sweat run down the sides of her face. “The last thing she knew of me was my hands on her chest telling her she was hurting me.”

      Lawson let go of her and crawled around to face her. He took her face in his hands just as the tears began to fall. “You cannot blame yourself, Serene. Your mother was going to hang herself, and she came to you to say goodbye.”

      “I don’t know.”

      “How old were you?”

      Serene looked at him with the saddest expression he had ever seen. “I think I was five or six.”

      Lawson didn’t ask her anymore questions right away. He simply held her until the tears stopped.

      After Serene had washed her face Lawson asked about her father.

      “He’s a mean man, Lawson. That’s really all there is to know.”

      “Did he at least try to be a good father to you?”

      Serene looked away and begged the tears to not start again. “He fed me most of the time. He really didn’t know how to care for a kid.”

      “Did he beat you too?”

      “Only when I didn’t do what I was told, or if I was too noisy.”

      Lawson sat back on the bed and regarded the woman before him. She resembled a child now more than ever with her dark hair cascading around her face, hiding the pain. He finally understood how someone as seemingly innocent and beautiful could end up the clutches of someone like Ted. Ted was just like her father. It was an odd occurrence among abused children of the world; once grown they gravitated towards examples of their abusers.

      “I’m so sorry you’ve gone through so much, Serene.”

      She peeked out from her hair and gave him a shy smile. “It’s fine now, Lawson. I have you.”

      Nothing she could have said could have stabbed his heart more. They had been together six months. Half of their allotted time was gone.
How am I going to do this to her?
Lawson pulled her towards him and breathed in the wonderful scent of her hair.
How?

* * * *

      Serene woke with a start, and looked around the dark room. Lawson had covered her and left her sometime after she had fallen asleep. Her body was aching like she had a fever, but she attributed it to being upset earlier. She knew something had woken her but was still disoriented from sleep and there was a thick feeling in her head. There it was again, voices, angry voices. She crept from her bed on tiptoe and leaned into her door with an ear against the cool wood. The voices were slightly muffled, so she carefully turned the door knob and opened the door a crack.

      “I warned you to never come to my personal home.” Lawson said in a low voice.

      “Bullshit! Your
personal home
? This is just where you house your whores!”

      Serene felt her blood turn to ice.
Ted.
A panic ran through her. Was he here for her? Would Lawson send her away? Who are these whores?
What number am I? How many have been here before me?

      The questions ran faster through her mind than she could try to formulate an answer for even one. She leaned towards the crack to listen further.

      “Say something!”

      “You don’t know anything about me, Ted, and you know it.”

      “I want what’s mine!” Ted shouted.

      “You have what’s yours, Ted. You have your shitty little house and your pathetic tiny life.” Lawson’s voice was even and deadly sounding. She could smell cigarette smoke and wasn’t sure which one was smoking. Serene hadn’t seen Lawson smoke since the night he had picked her up from Ted’s. A cool draft coming in through the crack indicated the front door was standing open. It was an incredibly cold night.

      “Why did you take my business?”

      “I took
my clients
and directed their traffic elsewhere.”

      “You’re a lousy son of a bitch, you know that?” Ted’s voice had dropped an octave, and Serene knew that was bad news.

      “Goodnight, Ted, and if you ever come to my home again, I will personally blow your brains all over my lawn.”

      Serene’s eyes widened. She had never heard Lawson speak in such a way. Well, she had seen him pull a gun on Ted the very first night, but she had a hard time reconciling that man with the one that was always so gentle and kind to her. Which one was the real Lawson?

      Serene listened for some type of response, and was beginning to think that Ted had simply left, but she was wrong. His voice came out of the darkness and caused a shiver to run down her spine.

      “By the way, you may have destroyed what little trade I had, but one thing you have belongs to me and only me; I expect it returned in six more months, right on time.”

      “She’ll be free, Ted. I know for a fact she’ll never return to you. I’m going to ensure it.”

      He didn’t wait for a response and Serene heard the front door slam shut. She took a deep breath and opened the door enough so she could step through. Ted’s presence and what he said was bad enough, but now Lawson had confirmed that he had no intention of keeping her beyond the year agreement.

      She could make out his silhouette from the small light he allowed to burn in the living room during the night. She opened her mouth slightly when she saw him retrieve the mask he usually wore from the back of the couch and slip it easily back in place.

     
He let Ted see him without the mask, but not me! Why?
Anger burned through her and tears stung her eyes. Lawson hadn’t been aware she was listening and he wasn’t aware that she was in the hallway. She heard him mutter something to himself, and walk silently into the dining room. Serene, equally silent, walked up the hallway to the entrance of the dining room. He was sitting in his usual spot with elbows on the table, and his head in his hands.

      She pushed the light switch up to the very top of its slide, and watched the light illuminate him in a glare. His head shot up and for a moment neither of them spoke. Lawson finally leaned back in his chair, with his knees spread wide. His hands dropped in his lap in a defeated way; hanging loosely on the inside of his thighs. His robe was opened and she saw he wore black satin pajamas. She had never seen them before and she honestly thought that was fitting since she wasn’t sure if he was a stranger or not.

      She could almost forget the mask these days. In her mind, it was just a thing he did, like a quirk. He had worn a different mask for the past month. It was almost flesh colored, and was far more appealing than the white one. It also seemed to fit snugger, giving him, although not a natural look, at least a more normal one.

     
Lawson looked at her sadly. “How much did you hear?”

      She crossed her arms and glared at him. “Enough.”

      He held her gaze a moment longer before lowering his eyes. “I guess you have some questions then.”

      “Oh, I have plenty Lawson, but I guess the biggest one is why you can answer the door for God knows who in the middle of the night without that stupid mask, but you wear it
every fucking time you are around me!
”

      Lawson nodded his head. “I understand why that might disturb you, but I prefer to wear it, ok?”

      “
No! It’s not ok!
” Serene shouted and let her hands drop sharply to her sides, her breath coming out in a wheeze. “What’s the deal between you and Ted?”

      “Meaning?”

      Serene brought her hands up in front of her like claws. “You are so infuriating! What is your relationship with him? Did you know him before the night you picked me up?”