Scared of Beautiful (25 page)

Jackson

When Jade walks in and delivers the news that Maia will be arriving in the morning, my heart soars. Hell, my heart practically doubles on the stupid machine I’m hooked up to. Even the knowledge of my impending jail sentence is not enough to darken my mood. I replay over and over what to say to her in my mind while Jade holds a vigil with a magazine on the couch in my room. I’ll tell her how sorry I am, how lost I am whenever I am away from her. I’ll promise that there will never be a day that goes by where she will ever feel unloved. Hell, that’s a promise I make to myself, as well. I plan on spending every second of the rest of our lives proving that I am a better person than I have been up until now.

The dark cloud of destructive thought that has been hovering over me descends as I realize that she may not want to wait around for a prisoner to be freed. If she knew the horror of what took place last night, she might hate me. More so than she already does. But I have to believe that what we had is strong enough to get past that.
I have to
. It’s the only thing I have left.

“Why so quiet?” Jade asks eventually.

“Just thinking,” I say, wincing as I move my left arm and the handcuff grates against my wrist.

“About Maia?” she asks. “Oh wait, stupid question.” Jade winks at me, and I would have thrown my pillow at her had I the ability to use either of my arms.

“Go home and get some sleep Jade,” I say.

“No, I’m waiting here till Maia arrives,” she replies defiantly. “She’ll never forgive me if you die or abscond before she gets here.” Jade’s eyes glint with amusement.

“How?” I reply sarcastically gesturing down at my cuffed arm.

“I said no,” she returns flatly, and I sigh and smile. There was never a better and more infuriating friend on this planet. “You just want to check out the hot nurses,” I tease.

“Guilty,” she grins, “and speaking of which, another roaming of the halls is in order.” Jade winks as she slides out the door.

A few minutes later, a nurse comes in to deliver my Valium. I guess they figure criminals are prone to violent outbursts, so sedation is a good idea. I have no idea how Jade convinced them that she needs to stay with me. Not that it makes a difference, considering there are two policemen outside my door 24/7. I drift off to sleep smiling, knowing that come morning, I will see the most beautiful sight in the world.

* * *

That dream is short lived. I awake instead to see a small, stocky man in a very expensive suit holding a briefcase, perched on a chair next to my bed.

“Who are you?” I ask groggily.

“Phillip Mercer,” he says holding out his hand.

I glance down at my useless upper appendages and glare at him.

“Oh sorry,” he says, only slightly amused. “I am your attorney. I’m being paid an absurd amount of money to make sure that you stay out jail. So let’s get to work.”

“Did Maia hire you? Is she here?” I ask anxiously, trying to sit up. I notice Jade isn’t in the room, either.

“I was hired by a phone call. I don’t know a Maia,” he answers shortly. Flipping through a notepad, he starts what I presume to be building my defense. “So the charges are accessory to murder and robbery. Pretty serious for a kid who’s enrolled at Brown University and has no major priors. Want to tell me what really happened?”

I consider selling out Emmanuel. The fucker was planning on killing me, after all. But there’s a code in my neighborhood, and I’m not sure I want to break it just yet.

I tell Phillip about the plan to rob the truck, how the second guard was in on it. I’m deliberately brief in my answers, careful not to implicate anyone.

“Here’s the thing, kid,” Phillip says, leaning forward on his chair and clasping his hands together. “I have no time for this bullshit. I am one of the highest paid criminal lawyers in the country. So what I don’t do is sit in front of clients who want to withhold the truth. That guy, Emmanuel, who will live, by the way, after he slammed the getaway car into a pylon, will never leave you alone. In jail or when he gets out. Now, I need something to offer the DA, and with any luck, we may even be able to get out of court altogether if they come back with a decent plea bargain.”

I look at the clock on the opposite wall.
11:45am
. Maia should have been here by now.
What the fuck is the point of even trying to be free? What’s waiting out there for me if she isn’t?

I sigh. “Okay, I’ll tell you exactly what happened.”

Phillip is right; Emmanuel will kill me either way. At least if he gets a long sentence and I get the fuck out of dodge, I have some chance at staying alive. I’m as good as dead in a prison with him. I sell Emmanuel out. Phillip arranges for my phone to be analyzed to retrieve whatever we can in the form of conversations between the two of us, to gather evidence to make my case.

A lawyer for the prosecutor comes in awhile later, and I sign a statement attesting to my story. I wait anxiously for Phillip to come back from the DA’s office to learn my fate. What I really want to do is get up and find Maia.

After several hours, Phillip comes back with a satisfied, smug smile on his face. “Well kid, you’re free.” A policeman follows him in and unshackles me from the bed rail.

“What? Wait, really?” I am truly astonished by this news. I did not expect that.

“Your friend had a number of outstanding warrants, and this is his third strike. He won’t be seeing the outside of a prison until well after retirement age.” I nod and avert my eyes downwards. Emmanuel may be the worst kind of person, but I still broke the code.

Phillip clears his throat, and I look up from my bruised but now free wrist. Jade has walked back in and sits on the couch, pretending not to eavesdrop. “You really think that guy wouldn’t have sold you down the river in a heartbeat? You really should not feel guilty about this.”

“You don’t understand,” I say dismissively
. What could an obviously very rich lawyer know about a neighborhood like mine?

As if reading my mind, Phillip retorts, “What would I know? More than you might think. I grew up in the Bronx in a one bedroom walk up with four siblings and no father. I worked my way through community college just for the chance to get into a university. I had plenty of opportunities to make money the easy way on those streets. So before you assume anything about anyone kid, make sure you know the facts.”

I look at him with a new respect.

“You are at an ivy league school, which is more than I started with. Fuck it up, and the only sell-out in here will be you.” Phillip’s voice is stern, almost paternal. “You’ve obviously got friends in high places who care about you, considering how much I charge.”

“I don’t think I do,” I say, painfully reminded of Maia’s absence.

Phillip leaves after saying his goodbyes, but his words resonate in my mind.

Jade shifts noticeably in her seat. “So the blonde at the nurse’s station tells me that you can be discharged tomorrow. What’s the plan?”

“Did Maia call?” I ask Jade anxiously. She shakes her head. “Did you try and call her?” I persist. She nods back at me, not meeting my eyes. From this vantage point, she looks a little pissed. “What?” I ask.

“Her phone has gone to voicemail all morning. I think she may be avoiding my calls.”

“Why would she do that?” My plans of making things right with Maia seem to be going down the shit chute, rapidly. “Unless…” I say with sadness. “Who could blame her?” I question with rising anger. “No one wants to be involved with a common thief.”

“No!” Jade says sternly before jumping up from the sofa. “You and I are not doing this again. We are not repeating the whole Shana thing. I am not going to sit here and watch you fuck up your life for the next four years, or more.”

I look away, and Jade walks over and cups my face in her hands. “Are you hearing me?”

“I heard you,” I say quietly. I have never felt so broken in my life.
This is all my fault
. If I had just told Maia the truth, rather than try to protect her, none of this would have happened. I walk over to the bathroom door and give it a solid punch with my good arm.

“Good idea Jackson, fuck up your good arm,” Jade says sarcastically.

Jade’s right about one thing. That now is not the time to screw up my life a second time. Phillip’s words continue to resonate in the back of my mind. I can’t imagine the regret I’d feel if I didn’t at least try to convince Maia, beyond all question, that I need her to breathe.

Maia

I find hospitals to be the coldest and most depressing places on earth. And not because they are filled with the sick and dying, but because as the moments tick by, while my mother’s ventilator whooshes monotonously in the background, I’m reminded of the meaning of family. Little children run to hug relatives, adults embrace the hands of their elderly parents. The world is full of so much love for them. I’m happy for them, and also insanely jealous.

My hand rests gently atop my mother’s. According to the doctors, there are no signs of life, not yet; but Blake assures me that some coma patients are able to hear everything. So I talk. I tell her about school, about my life, about how I feel. It’s not until I start to tell her about Jackson that the tears come streaming down my cheeks.

“I really do love him,” I say almost sobbing. “I’ve never felt so empty in my life. I screwed so much up. Then he left, and I don’t know how it all just fell apart. I miss him. I’m lonely. But that’s over now. Now I’m focusing on you. I should never have let things get this far. I’m so sorry. I should have been there. For you.”

The curtain shuffles slightly behind me and I quickly wipe my eyes with my sleeve. Blake walks cautiously into the room. He looks every bit the lifesaving doctor in his white surgical coat, complete with a stethoscope hanging casually around his neck.

“Hi,” I say softly.

“Thought you could use some lunch,” he says quietly.

I glance down at my watch. It’s closer to dinner than lunch, but I nod and give my mother a gentle kiss on the cheek before walking out with him. The hospital cafeteria is a hot mess, with ringing cell phones, exhausted looking family members, and a lot of very antsy children running around. We order and collect our food before Blake leads me to a table in the corner.

It seems like a very long while before either of us speaks. Finally, he clears his throat. “It will be okay, Maia. One way or another, everything will work out the way it should.”

I wonder how much of the Jackson conversation he heard. “I believe that Blake, I really do. But right now everything just feels so hopeless to me. What did I do to deserve so much support from you?” I ask gratefully.

“I’m being a friend Maia, that’s all. You are beautiful. No man could possibly deny that, but you obviously have unresolved issues elsewhere,” he says looking down. “To be honest, I don’t think I can distract you from them completely.” So he did hear the conversation I had with my mother.

“Then why waste your time?” I ask, feeling every bit as undeserving as I should.

“Because that’s what friends do,” he replies simply. “And gentlemen don’t push too hard, either.” He gives me a reassuring and gorgeous smile before getting up to return our trays.

My cell phone has remained perched on my bedside, minus the sim card, since my mother entered the hospital. I don’t know if Jade or Jackson has called, and the thought plays on my mind steadily throughout the day. I call my lawyer from a pay phone in the hospital lobby, and he advises me that the charges against Jackson have been dropped completely. I make a second call to the police station here to confirm that the charges are still holding against my father, and they are. I breathe a sigh of relief on both accounts. I’m anxious as to how Jade will react to me not showing up in Atlanta or calling, but I can only hope that once she knows my reasons, she will understand.

It’s dark by the time I leave the hospital. My mother had no visitors today besides me. It’s no surprise, considering that in our society, this is a major scandal. Then a thought slams into me.
I haven’t told Megs about what happened
. Even if she was worried about my mother not coming home yesterday, there was no way for her to contact me, due to my disabled phone.