Saviour (29 page)

“T
his is for you baby, just for you, I'm so sorry for yesterday, I should have told you before about my past, but I didn't know what you would think. I felt too ashamed, but I should never have let you walk in there unaware. I forget how well you can read me, I should have realised you would work things out, I’ve never had anyone that could do that before. I love you and I am truly sorry”

What?
No. Ashamed? Ashamed of what for fucks sake? Why should he feel ashamed? I swear to God, next time I see that woman, so help me, I will swing for her.

I
turn around in the bath, sending water over the sides and face him. Beyond angry, ropeable is the word they use here and I know who it is I would like to hang, that fucking green eyed cat witch!

“You
listen to me, just fucking listen, you have nothing, no reason to feel ashamed, you did nothing wrong in all of that, nothing”

I'm
kneeling between his legs, my hands holding either side of his face. I kiss his forehead, his nose, and eyes.

“
She is the one that should be ashamed. I cannot believe the front of the woman, that she stayed around and married your dad, knowing that his children knew what she had done. I meant what I said to her yesterday Gabe, she's a rapist, she's a fucking sex offender, a pedophile of the very worst kind, she is your step Mother, you were a minor, she abused her position and she abused you. You should have been able to trust her and she let you down. She should have gone to prison”

I'm
crying now as I speak, out of anger, frustration and because I hate the fact that he felt too ashamed to tell me about it.

“Gabe.
Imagine and this sounds awful and god forbid that it would ever happen. What if you found out Ava's step dad was doing the same terrible things to her, I know you would kill him, slowly, I know that, but taking that option out of the equation, you would have no hesitation in getting the police involved and having him sent to prison and you would never, not for a Nano second ever consider that it was Ava's fault. I totally understand why your brothers handled things the way they did and quite possibly, under the circumstances, at the time, it was the right thing to do”

I
kiss his mouth to try and ease the pain of that awful, awful thought but I have to make him see, I have to make him understand, it's not his fault, he did nothing wrong .

“But
I didn't stop her, I didn't tell anyone and sometimes, I couldn’t help it, but sometimes, I liked it”

“
Gabe, of course you did, you were a fifteen year old boy, getting regular sex but you were still a child, she threatened you, you were scared, intimidated, fuck knows what was going through your mind, I can't even begin to contemplate or imagine what you must have been going through, it must have been so awful for you, being put under that pressure, all those feelings of guilt but at the same time, enjoying the sex, I can’t begin to imagine how that would fuck with your head”

And
he suddenly cracks and crumbles, my beautiful, handsome, kind, loving boy shatters in front of me, his face is just so full of pain and anguish, it kills me to watch but I can't look away, I have to be here for him, stay strong for him, I need him to know that I'm here and that I don't blame him at all. He's sobbing, his body is shaking. I move closer to him and hold him to my chest as he cries, he leans back, looks at me, and it’s apparent in those beautiful eyes of his that his heart is obviously breaking and he says

“
But I come, every time, she made me come, I tried Lauren, I used to try so hard not to, I would even have a wank whenever I knew she was gonna come around, you know, to try and stop myself, but she always made me come” he can barely breathe as he struggles to get his words out between sobs, what can I say? I have to make him see.

“
No baby, no, no, no you were fifteen, a fifteen year old boy, you could have been fucked by a scabby horse and you would have come, you were full of raging hormones and regardless of all of that, it doesn't mean anything. What she did was wrong and you were a helpless, powerless child, unable to do anything about it”

Finally,
finally he just sobs, he doesn't argue, he just sobs. I sit and hold him and say nothing, I just let him cry.

The
water has gone cold, I don't know how long we have been sitting here, I don't really care but I shiver... Shit, I really didn't want to interrupt him and his thoughts. He looks up at me. “Fuck Lauren, your freezing”

Before
I can say anything he's out of the bath, grabs a towel and helps me out, wrapping me up. We are both shivering to the point where our teeth are chattering. He pulls a towel around his shoulders and wraps that and his arms around me too. We stand and hold each other until we have warmed up. He lifts my chin up and our eyes meet, his eyes are the darkest blue and burn into mine with such intensity, my knees feel like they will give way from the weight of the love I feel for him, it floors me, renders me speechless.

“
I love you Lauren, I love you to the point where that word isn’t enough to describe what I feel, it burns, it burns my heart and my chest trying to think of the right words, I just need you to know that, don’t ever doubt what I feel”

I
say nothing, I don't need to, he knows what I feel and I make sure that he knows when we finally make it into bed. I take complete control and make beautiful love to him until he calls out my name and we both cry some more.

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

As
I start to wake on Monday morning, I can feel Gabe’s arm and leg flung across me. I listen to his steady breathing, I'm glad that he's slept in for a bit, I woke us both up during the night with the awful nightmares I kept having. I dreamt of Jackie and naked young boys with no faces and Jason was there too, hovering menacingly in the background, it was all a tangled mess and I woke screaming and crying twice, Gabe holding me, trying to calm me down. I feel bad as I know he's got another big meeting today, trying to bang out this South Australia deal.

I
slide very carefully out of bed, I really don't want to leave him but I need some more painkillers, I must ring my doctors today and get myself checked out.

I
head to the kitchen and make us both a coffee, it’s only 6.30 so I take them back to the bedroom. He hasn't moved, he's still lying in the same position as I left him. I put his coffee on the bedside table and go sit in the chair by the window so that I can watch my beautiful boy sleep for five more minutes before I wake him.

What
a pair we are. Both of us fucked up by people that we should have been able to trust. So what does all this mean for us? We both now know each other’s deep dark, dirty secrets, but so what, does it matter, does it change things? We both now know that we’re a pair of fucked up people and it actually doesn’t change a thing, I still love him despite all of the Jackie shit, in fact, I love him more because of it and I know he loves me and armed with that knowledge, I know I can face anything, fuck everyone else. I don't care that he's younger than me, I don't care that I've only just ended my marriage and jumped straight into this relationship and I don't care what anyone else thinks, like Gabe keeps telling me, fuck them all. Right at this moment in time, I feel, utterly blessed, as I look at him, this boy, my lover, this beautiful, kind, loving person, I feel blessed, that right at the moment my world fell apart, right at the moment I was at my lowest, he found me, Gabriel, my love, my angel, fell from the sky and landed at my feet and I don't intend ever letting him go!

I
climb back into bed beside him and put his arm back around me and slide my leg back under his. I kiss him gently on the mouth. Without even opening his eyes, he smiles as he pulls me into him and kisses me back, he holds me so tight, I can barely breathe, his hands and his mouth are all over me.

“I
love you so much Lauren, don't ever leave me”

“
I love you too and I'm not going anywhere, ever”

~

An hour later, I'm waving him good bye as he leaves for work. I have a lazy morning trawling through the Internet, trying to source furniture, accessories, paint, flooring, and lighting for the Palmers house. I have a pretty good idea of what I want to do with the place; I just need to find the pieces. I try to get Ryder on the phone but my call just goes to message bank, I phone my doctors and manage to get an appointment for Tuesday late morning, I phone Jo, Jemma and Lulu and give them all the details on my week with Ava and how we got along, I tell them about meeting the rest of the family at the weekend, omitting the details I have discovered about Gabe’s past. We arrange to meet up Friday night for dinner and drinks. Jemma tells me that Max has been for a beer with Jay over the weekend and that he knows that I'm with someone else and he is livid. Max told him straight up that it was his own fault and that he didn't deserve me, which didn't go down too well, go Maxi Boy. I text him after my calls and tell him thanks for sticking up for me, he texts me back with
'Your welcome Lauren, I feel really bad that I didn't work out what was going on .... But please be careful, he is beyond angry with you x'

Shit,
I should check my old phone for messages but first I need to call my mum, I have been putting it off and putting it off but it needs to be done. I get her number from my phone, which I am surprised is still working; I thought Jason would have had it cut off as he pays my bill. There are a quite a few messages on there, most from Jason, I will listen to them later, let’s get my mother out of the way first.

My relationship with my mum is strained at the best of times; I have never measured up in her eyes, me getting pregnant at a young age was a huge disappointment for her, despite the successful businesses Jason and I had gone on to run, whilst dealing with the pressures of parenthood, she had never really forgiven me and what made things harder was the love and support my dad had given us. I had grown up all of my life knowing I was his favourite, even my brothers and sister had been aware of the fact and it was always a standing joke amongst the family. My dad had died from a massive heart attack when I was thirty and my close, happy family had imploded. Both of my brothers had gone back to the UK to live and my sister had moved interstate to the north central coast of New South Wales. Each and every one of them had failed marriages behind them, all happening after the death of my dad and now I was going to call and tell her that I was also shit at marriage too. Mum had remarried an Aussie a couple of years back and pretty much abandoned us all. I think she felt her time was done raising us and she had a new chance of happiness and she was going to take it. She and Dave lived in Bendigo a city North West of Melbourne, about a four hour drive from me. It was classed as a city but was more like a big country town and quite beautiful. But the distance had meant I didn’t see her very often and our phone calls had become less and less frequent as she had become less and less interested in my life and more involved with Dave and his grown up children and grandchildren.

I
use my new phone so my mum doesn’t recognise the number, just in case she already knows what has gone on and doesn’t want to talk to me. She picks up on the third ring.

“Hi
mummy, it’s Lauren, your daughter”

“Oh,
hello Lauren my daughter, is this a new number? It didn’t come up as you on my phone”

“Yes
it is a new number, delete the old one and swap it with this, how are you?”

“Yeah,
we are all good here; Jason rang me a couple of weeks ago, asking if I had seen you, what was that all about, what’s going on?”

“Jason
rang looking for me, why didn’t you call and tell me?”

“Well
I was going to but we had to pick Emma’s kids up from school and it went right out of my head and he didn’t call back so I assumed he had found you and you had gotten over your little sulk”

Emma’s
kids. Of course, her new husband’s grandchildren would obviously be top of her priority, much more important than her own, possibly missing youngest child.

“Wow,
thanks for being so concerned with my welfare mother, good job I was only running from a case of domestic violence and that it wasn’t anything too serious ehh”

“What,
what are you talking about, what domestic violence, what’s going on?”

“I
have left Jason mum; he has violently abused me our entire marriage but it’s gotten progressively worse over the past couple of years and I ended up at the hospital a few weeks back with bruised ribs, a fractured cheek, and a dislocated shoulder. On top of that, he has also been shagging around. I don’t know how many other women there have been or for how long it’s been going on but I know for sure that there has been at least one and I’m done with it mum, I’ve left him and not only have I left him but I’ve met somebody else and moved in with him” I pause for a second “and he’s ten years younger than me, his name is Gabriel, and I’m so in love I could burst”

“Gabriel,
what sort of name is that for a bloke?”

“What,
that’s all you have to say?”