Saviour (16 page)

“Fuck
Jay, what have you done to us? We were always so good, you were my best friend”

I
say it out loud to a picture of us laughing into the camera. It was taken on holiday in Bali; we went with Jemma and Max, around fifteen years ago. We look so happy, then it occurs to me, when we got back to our room, the night this picture was taken, Jason had accused me of flirting with Jemma’s husband, we had an almighty blue and he had pushed me. I was holding a glass at the time and I fell, breaking it in my hand. I ended up with six stitches and a ruined holiday; Jason blaming it all on the fact that I'd had too much to drink and claiming he'd only given me a little shove and I fell because I was too drunk to stand. I let out a long breath I hadn't realised I was holding. I feel an overwhelming sense of sadness wash over me. Without even turning around I know Gabe is behind me. It's like a mild electrical current running between us. His arm is over my shoulder and he kisses my hair. I reach up and weave my fingers through his.

“
You okay bubby?” he asks. I know if I speak, I will cry so I just shake my head no.

“
Come on, let’s get you home” I nod in agreement. I close the front door, lock it and walk away. My emotions are raw and shot to pieces and I'm really struggling not to cry as we get in the car and drive away from my former life, another part of who I was gone.

Gabriel's phone rings and unfortunately for him, it's connected to the cars blue tooth.

“
G’Day, Gabriel Wilde”

“Hey
baby, how are you? Long time no see, or speak for that matter”

It's
a woman, obviously, I doubt that any of Gabe’s mates would call him baby. I keep staring out of the window. Great, just what I need today!

“Who
is this?”

“It’s
Alyssa, Gabe”

“What
can I do for you Alyssa?”

“Well
don't sound too pleased to hear from me, will you?”

“Alyssa
, you’re on blue tooth in my car and my girlfriend is listening, what do you want?”

Hee heee, I think to myself, he called me his girlfriend but he’s obviously on the phone to an ex, so I hold off on the smile.

“Ha, your girlfriend, that's funny. I have tickets for the Footy Grand Final and wondered if you wanted to come with me, we could make a night of it, get a hotel and stay over in the city?”

He
turns to me and says “What do you think babe, do you mind if I go to the footy and stay in the city with Alyssa over night?”

He’s
grinning from ear to ear. I shake my head at him, bastard,

“Sure
baby, go for it”

His
face is a picture as he shakes his head and mouths “WHAT” at me. I can't help but smile... That'll teach him, smart arse!

“Sorry
Alyssa but I have plans for that Saturday so no but thanks for the invite… .And Alyssa, please don’t call me again, ever”

He
ends the call before Alyssa can respond.

“I
can't believe you said that” I try not to laugh but can't help myself. He shakes his head. “You are so gonna pay for that”

“You
get a call from some random bird inviting you to a dirty night in the city and I'm gonna pay, I don't think so sunshine and who the fuck is fucking Alyssa anyway?”

He's
still shaking his head.

“You
sounded so English when you said that, I love it when you’re angry and that accent makes an appearance”

“Don’t
avoid the question Gabriel, who is she?”

“Just
some girl I hooked up with about a month or so ago, one of the few I saw more than once but that was it and I've not spoken to her since”

“Did
you bang her?”

Do
I really want to know this? Well I’ve asked now. Bring it on!

“
Yes I banged her”

“Lots
?” 

“I
only spent two nights with her but yes, I suppose over such a short period of time, it was lots yes”

We
are back at his house, sitting in the car that’s now parked on the drive. I can’t make my legs move, so I stay in my seat.

“Was
she good, in bed I mean?”

“Why
are you doing this Lauren, why would you want to know these things, why are you punishing yourself like this?”

And
there it is, it hits me. That's exactly what I'm doing. I feel guilty about going behind Jason's back and taking my stuff from the house, I feel guilty because I have had sex with another man and I feel guilty because, I do already have strong feelings for this other man. Punishment, that's what this is all about.

“Was
she good Gabe? Just answer the fucking question”

“Yes
the sex was good but that's all it was Lauren, sex, two people fucking, nothing else. I had and I have, no feelings for the woman what so ever, I haven't accepted her calls since the last time I saw her and If I wasn't driving today and had seen my caller ID I wouldn't have taken her call then. I can't change something that I did five weeks ago, something that happened before I even knew you existed”

I
move to get out of the car but he leans across to grab the door and stops me

“Don’t
get out without saying something, fucking talk to me Lauren, I'm sorry okay, I'm sorry she called and I'm sorry you heard but there's nothing there, she means nothing”

“I know”

“Good”

“Can
we get out now?”

He
lets go of my door and we both get out. We put all of my stuff in the guest room. I rummage through it and find a pair of jeans and my favourite hoodie. I slip my feet into a pair of thongs and go out to the family room.

“
What was that? Exactly what did me telling you all of that achieve, what did it prove?”

He's
seriously pissed and has every right to be. I've just caused an argument with him, to make me feel better about what I have done to my husband. Totally fucked up. I seriously need help.

“
I'm sorry, I just lost it for a bit, it was hard, you know, going back there, then her calling and I just flipped, I'm sorry”

He
shakes his head as he walks towards me. He pulls me gently to him and kisses me on the mouth, gently, softly, his tongue flicks in and out and over my lips and a moan escapes from me. Suddenly the world is better. He moves his head back and looks at me.

“Let’s
not argue Lauren, especially about things we can't change” He kisses my nose as I nod and tell him I'm sorry, again.

I'm keen to hit the shops and keep busy, Gabriel has been so good to me, I don't want him to know how upset I am about taking all my stuff from my house this morning. It's another step closer to the end of my marriage and I still have to get to grips with this and the speed with which I've landed in this new relationship. It didn't go unnoticed that he had said earlier, ‘Let's go home’ and not ‘let's go back to mine’ I'm feeling a bit panicky about the speed with which my feelings are growing for him and I don't want to delay the work needing to be done on my new place so it’s ready in time for me to move into at the weekend, the longer I stay with Gabe, the faster my feelings are freefalling towards wanting things to work out between us and I really don’t know if that is what I need right now, I’m so confused and being so close to him doesn’t allow me to think clearly.

I
think I need to put some space between us. I'm aware of how much I like him and I don't want my feelings to grow stronger, I know deep down, he's way out of my league and despite all that he's said, I still have this nagging doubt that I'm just another notch on his bedpost, despite all of his reassurances. Basically I’m an emotional mess and I need a chance to draw breath.

“Right
, I'm no longer naked; shall we go and look at paint and flooring?”

Gabe’s
taken a beer from the fridge and has sat on a bar stool at the kitchen bench.

“
Sit down for a sec' I wanna talk to you about something” he motions to the stool next to him with his beer. He takes a swig and tilts his head to one side, looking at me. He's holding the bottle under his chin, with his index finger tapping on his lips, he looks serious, and I see his Adams Apple move as he swallows, hard, as I climb up on the stool.

“I’ve
been thinking” he says “or wondering, what do you think is going to happen, long term I mean, what do you see, for us?”

Here
we go, the moving too quickly speech, lets slow things down, all of my bullshit and freaking out is too much for him. I don't know what to answer so simply say “I have no idea” My heart rate is increasing rapidly and I start to feel sick, he wants to end things, he’s guessed the depth of my feelings, I must be so obvious, whiney, needy, a complete mess basically but c'est la vie and all that, I'm a big girl, I will just pull up my big girl pants and get on with my life.

Yeah
right who am I kidding?  He is not the type of man one ever gets over, ever.

“
Lauren. Laaaauuuuuurrrrrren are you listening to me?” he's waving his beer bottle in front of my face as he speaks

“Do
you want me to go?” I ask him. What a mess, what a fucking mess my life has become.

“No
Lauren, I don't want you to go, why would you say that? I love having you here, I don't want you to go now and I don't want you to go at the weekend” He says, he's now got a bemused look on his face and is shaking his head.

“
What do you mean, go where at the weekend?” I'm totally confused, what am I missing

“
I don't want you to move out of here and into the unit at the weekend. I want you to stay here, with me; if you want to?”

He’s
speaking to me like I'm a child.

“
You want me to move in here, with you, not the unit, here?” And it seems to be catching as I now sound like a child.

“Are
you right?” he asks

“
How many times do I need to repeat myself? Would you, like to move, in here, with me?”

Wow.
Not what I was expecting. I'm lost for words, yes, it does happen, occasionally!

CHAPTER NINE

“Would you get me a drink please? It's a job and half getting up and down off these stools, they really weren't made with short people in mind” I'm waffling, talking complete nonsense as I try to compose myself. Gabe’s looking at me like I’m totally mad, he shakes his head slightly, he’s probably regretting more and more asking me to move in.
y, he'e a child.n tow, is one of my better ideasdive and I'sly dawns on me how lonely I

“What
would you like to drink?”

“A
glass of wine please”

He
goes to the fridge and pour’s my drink and gets himself another beer. When he returns to the bench he leans on one elbow in front of me, his hand under his chin. I'm unnerved by his closeness to me and he knows it. I can see the hint of a smile at the corners of his mouth as he watches me, my breathing getting heavier. I take a sip of my wine, there's barely enough room to tilt my glass the space between us is so small. His smile becomes more obvious as he awaits my response. I take a deep breath

“
I left my husband less than a week ago, I have no money, no job, I have a shit load of issues and a husband who will be rampaging through the streets looking for me, once he realises what I've done today and you want me to move in here with you?”

He does the head tilt and blows out a sigh so big that it moves my hair as well as his own.
“I’m fully aware of the facts Lauren, I know when you left your husband, and I know why you left him, I'm aware of your financial situation and your employment status. I'm beginning to realise that yes you are a bit of a mental case but is it any wonder, after what you've been through and just so you know, with regard to your husband, I don't give a flying fuck about him or what he does. But apart from all of that, what I fail to see is what any of this has to do with our living arrangements. We are two consenting adults, we enjoy each other’s company and find each other physically attractive, where is the issue?”

“
You make it sound very easy, like a list and I tick enough of the boxes, cold almost, no emotion involved and I don't understand, why me, why would you want me?”

“Lauren
” He lets out another huff after he says my name; I’m pissing him off, I’m pissing me off so I’m really not surprised.

“You’re seriously starting to piss me off now”

Told ya!

“W
hat do I need to say, how can I make you understand what I feel, there is nothing cold about us or me when your around and I assure you there are plenty of emotions involved, I've loved waking up with you these past few mornings, I've loved going to bed with you at night, I'm sorry if I've made the facts sound cold, I'm just stating ... Well, stating the facts. I don't want you to go off and live in that unit on your own, I want you to stay here with me, I want to keep you safe, away from Jason. I want you in my life; I want you to be a part of my life, tell me how to make this clearer and I’ll do it, I just want you, here, with me, all the time. I know it’s all happening a bit fast but so what, let’s just go with it, see where it takes us”