Saving Scotty (22 page)

No, of course not. Of course she couldn’t see that. Why would she? I was brought in here by this loving man, and any normal person would assume that this child was a product of our love for one another. To think differently would be to give voice to the unspeakable. She didn’t appear that she wanted to do that, to her credit. She obviously wanted to give the benefit of the doubt.

So, I started to calm down. “Uh, Dr. Montgall, I wanted to tell you the truth about this. Because I don’t want there to be any wrong ideas. This, uh, fetus doesn’t belong to this man right here,” I said, taking Nick’s hand, and looking up at him. He looked down at me with such inestimable sorrow that I couldn’t stand it. “It belongs to somebody else. Somebody who’s…not a nice man. So, I’m not sad or heartbroken to be losing it. I’m not quite sure what emotions I’m feeling, or what emotions I’m supposed to be feeling, but sorrow for losing it is definitely not one of my emotions right now. Perhaps it will be later, because every life is sacred, so they say. But, for now, I don’t feel a bit of sorrow for what’s happening to me.”

Poor Dr. Montgall looked as if she had no idea how she was supposed to react to what I was saying to her. “I’m very sorry to hear that,” she finally said. “If you need counseling to try to handle your emotions, then I can refer you to somebody who might be able to help.”

I nodded my head. “Thank you for that. I might take you up on it.” I actually thought that I probably wouldn’t. To say that I was scared to think about what a counselor might dredge up inside of my screwed-up brain was an understatement. Some emotions were better off left buried, I thought.

I was ready to bury what had happened to me in Mr. Lucas’ house of horrors. I was ready to move past it. Sail on past it and marry Nick, if he asked me, and have beautiful babies with him. I was so ready to do all of that, as if those few days of torment had never happened. But this baby wouldn’t let me. This baby was a physical reminder that what had happened wasn’t just a horrible nightmare. It was real, realer than anything in my entire life.

“Well,” said Dr. Montgall. “If you don’t mind getting dressed, I’ll get you to your room for the evening.”

Nick finally spoke up. “I’m going to be able to stay with her tonight, won’t I? And I want her to have a private room. I’ll pay top dollar for the best room you have.”

“I’m sure that can be arranged,” she said. “We have a private room with a larger bed, so that you can sleep in the same bed if you so choose.”

I looked at Nick, who was nodding his head. I was relieved about this. Having a private room, and having Nick hold me all night, was something that I so needed at that time, so I was relieved that this was an option.

That night, after I got into a nightgown that was thoughtfully brought to me by Nick, and I laid there in the bed with him, anticipating that tomorrow I would have surgery that would effectively cleanse me of the rest of the thing that was implanted in me, I once again let my emotions out. And the tears that flowed out of me that night were by the far the most tears that I had ever shed for that man. He had once again taken something sacred from me, and that was the ability to say that any child that I had with Nick would be my first. It wouldn’t be my first. It would be my second, or even my third, child, if the doctor was correct that I was carrying twins.

And, for some reason, I felt that would be taking away something very special.

And, right at that moment, I finally felt my true feelings towards that man. They were no longer veiled. There was a burning hatred for him, for all that he did and all that he had taken from me.

I finally was ready to fry him. And that was something that I was going to do, if it was the last thing that I did in this world.

Chapter 40

Nick

I was lying in bed with Scotty, and I couldn’t tell her how I really felt about what she was going through. I couldn’t tell her that my overwhelming feeling, right at that moment, was relief. I was so concerned and worried that her bleeding meant something life-threatening, because that was what had happened to Michelle. That was the first sign that there was something seriously wrong with my sister, and my greatest fear was that Scotty would end up like Michelle. Slowly succumbing to a hideous disease that nobody had any control over. And that I would lose Scotty, the person that I loved most in this world, like I lost Michelle. I wasn’t sure that I would be able to recover from something like that.

So, when the doctor informed Scotty that she was having a miscarriage, all I could think about was that Scotty wasn’t going to die. That was all that I understood. All that I knew. Just that. Yet, I couldn’t express this to Scotty. She obviously was devastated, although I wasn’t sure exactly why.
I only knew that she was. I was holding her, and I could feel her shaking throughout the night. And I had never seen her crying so much. Not even the first night that she was home with me, and I had to get the inhaler for her. I knew that she wasn’t crying for the life that was inside of her, and was now “expunging” itself. She said that she felt no sorrow for it. I could only imagine that this entire issue of her becoming pregnant by that monster was bringing up the raw feelings that she was experiencing after coming off that island.

I wish that I knew how to help her. How to erase all that had happened to her. I hated to feel helpless, and that was
exactly how I felt in this situation. It occurred to me that I had never been out of control before, in my adult life. I was able to manipulate and control most situations so that I always got what I wanted. But this was one situation where I couldn’t do that. Scotty was going through something horrible. It was hard to imagine that she was so traumatized, these past few months, because she was just so good at hiding what she felt. It had really seemed to me that she was recovering nicely, because she seemed so happy and was really getting back into the routine of work and school so well. Then this happened. And it seemed that Scotty was more shattered than I had ever seen her.  

I stroked her hair while I laid behind her. She kept waking up, throughout the night.

“Stop, stop, stop. Don’t touch me!” she would scream out, and then look at me with haunted eyes that seemed to see right past me. She would be breathing heavily and sweating, and would look around the room, frightened. “Where am I?”

“You’re in the hospital, honey. I’m here. I’m right here.”

But she would just stare at me, as if she didn’t recognize me, and would go right back to sleep.

A half hour later, it would start again. “Leave me alone! Why are you doing this to me?” But she wouldn’t even be awake when she would say this. Her eyes were still closed, and then she would start mumbling incoherently
.

I even heard her speaking feverishly about a baby. “No, no, no, don’t take her. My baby. Please, please, please don’t take her. No!” And then I looked at her, and her eyes were closed and her head was shaking and tears were streaming down her face. She clutched the pillow and started screaming about them taking her baby away.

I felt confused about that. She told the lady that she felt no sorrow for the life inside of her that was now gone. Yet, her dreaming about it and begging somebody not to take the baby would tell me that he unconscious mind was feeling very differently about all of that. It never occurred to me that she would ever feel conflicted about a life that was never supposed to be there in the first place. It must have been her motherly instinct coming into place. After all, even if this life was not something that she wanted, and was something that occurred through violence and violation, it was still her baby. Being a man, it was difficult for me to comprehend, but I knew that I had to come to terms with the fact that Scotty might feel very differently about losing this baby, or babies, then she had let on.

Which would make this entire recovery process that much more complex. I knew that I had to help her, to save her from her demons, somehow, someway. I just wasn’t clear on how to go about it.

I spent that entire night with Scotty in the hospital bed, sleepless and staring at the ceiling. My arm was wrapped around her the entire time. My mind was turning, all that night, about helping her. She needed counseling, that was clear. And she really needed closure on what had happened to her. I would need to talk to her, a bit more forcefully, about the possibility that she should press charges against that man. That might be able to save her psyche more than anything else. To know that he was locked up and she was safe from him. And that he got his just desserts that he so richly deserved for all that he had done to her.

Finally, the light started streaming in through the windows, and Scotty woke up for real. At first, she looked around the room, and looked frightened. And then I could see the
realization dawn on her about what had happened, and she once again looked destroyed.

She blinked back tears as she looked at me. “Is this real? I, I, I had this dream that there was a baby, and they were trying to take her away from me. I, I….is this really happening to me?”

I nodded my head. “Yes. The doctor has to come in here to check up on you again. They, uh, need to see, if the, uh, the fetus has, uh…”

She nodded her head in recognition. “Yes, I remember now. I had nightmares about it all last night. And about him, too. Even more vivid nightmares than I had ever had before. I…” But she didn’t finish that sentence. She started crying again. “Oh, Nick, why? Why do I feel like this? This thing, it belonged to me. It did. I mean, no matter how it got there, it was mine. And now it’s not. I don’t understand why I’m feeling this way now.” She just shook her head, and I held her in my arms while she bawled. “Oh, please, just make it stop. Make the pain go away. I thought that I was over it, but I’m not. I’m not. And I just really want my baby. My baby.”

I felt so impotent as I held her head against my chest and stroked the back of her head. I wanted to tell her that it wasn’t the end of the world, and that she and I would have our own baby soon. But, somehow, I knew that those were not the right words to tell her. Her feelings for the life inside of her, that was now gone, apparently had shifted dramatically since the previous night. She was obviously feeling the grief over what had happened and sorrow for losing it. And I just had to let her feel it. There was nothing else that I could have done in that situation.

So, I just said nothing, and just held her while she cried and clutched at my shirt desperately. “My baby. Why was she taken from me? I don’t understand. Why?”

I had no words, but I had to say something. “Scotty, honey, it wasn’t meant to be. It just wasn’t. Sometimes things happen, and there’s no good explanation, except that fate is cruel. I wish that fate wouldn’t always be so cruel to you, but I’m right here. I hope that I can make things right for you. I just want to make things better.”

She said nothing, but just shook her head. “I’m so sad, but I’m so angry, too. So angry. That man has put me through so much, and now I have to go through this, too. Because of him. I hate him, Nick. I hate him.” She said that she hated him with such force that it seemed as if she was just now realizing how much she really did despise that man. “I hate him, and I want him to burn
in hell for what he did. I do. I won’t rest until that man is behind bars, and I know that he will stay there for the rest of his life.”

I felt encouraged to hear her talk like that. Truth be told, Jack and I had been relentlessly trying to get her to go to the authorities to turn that pervert’s ass in. But, every time, she would say that she wasn’t ready. She was afraid. She thought that nobody would believe her, just like the first time.
She felt that he was too wealthy and powerful, and that she couldn’t face him in court.

But, sometimes, she would start to talk like she wanted to turn him in. I would make an appointment with a detective on the police force, only to have her back out at the very last second.

I had never, however, seen the look of solid determination in her eyes like I saw, right at that second. I held my breath, thinking that maybe, just maybe, this time she really would do it. She would really go to the police with the evidence that she had, and press charges against him.

I wasn’t sure why the doctor who examined her hadn’t gone to the authorities yet. I had put in a phone call to her, several different times, and she never called me back. Which angered me, beyond belief. Scotty wasn’t strong enough, just yet, to tackle this all on her own. I didn’t know why Dr. Woods didn’t already contact the necessary people to get the ball rolling. I even went down to her office one day, without telling Scotty, to confront her. Of course, she wasn’t there. She was out of the office that day.

So, since Dr. Woods didn’t do the right thing in going to authorities to turn in the pervert, it was all on Scotty’s shoulders. All on Scotty’s fragile shoulders. Scotty needed to get a different attitude about frying the pervert’s ass. And it sounded like she was finally getting this different attitude. I only hoped that this different attitude was one that would last long enough for her to see it through.

And then, when Mr. Lucas finally got his comeuppance that he so richly deserved, perhaps, just perhaps, Scotty could finally sleep at night.

At least that was my hope.

Chapter 41

Scotty

When I woke up that morning, in the hospital, with Nick, I, at first, thought that everything was a horrible, horrible dream. Once I started to slowly realize that I wasn’t having a dream – that I really was impregnated by that horrible man, and I had lost the baby, or babies, I started to think about something else. And that was that I was terribly unhappy and depressed to be losing these children. I had no idea why I started to think that way, because, when I found out about it, all that I could think was that I wanted that life, or lives, out of me. Yesterday.

I was confused by my feelings. I thought that I was coming out of the confusion of my earlier roller-coaster of emotions, and that I was emerging from the fog and depression unscathed. Now, here I was, right back on the roller coaster. Happy that I was having a miscarriage, as opposed to delivering babies who belonged to that horrible man, one moment. The next moment, feeling sad and depressed because the life that was growing inside of me, even though I had no idea, until I was having the miscarriage, that this life was even there, was snuffed out. That was my maternal instinct kicking in, I guess.

I found that I couldn’t really talk to Nick about this, because I didn’t know how I felt, from one moment to the next. He probably would have thought that I was crazy if I really expressed my feelings to him. I loved him so much, but he was a man, and he probably wouldn’t understand ambiguity in this case. He probably would have thought that I should either be happy that I had a miscarriage, instead of having to carry the
life to term, or sad about it. I didn’t think that he would understand that I was feeling both of these emotions, equally strongly.

I didn’t want to think about it, though. All that I could concentrate on,
with zero ambiguity, was my absolute hatred of that horrible man. I knew that I was going to be having some kind of procedure that day. A D&C, or something like that. I had no idea what that was, but I knew that the doctor was going to explain it to me soon enough. I also imagined that I would be going home that same day. So, I would be going home, with Nick. And I would have a talk with him about going to the authorities about Mr. Lucas, first thing Monday morning. I hoped that he would be able to go with me, if he didn’t have too much to do at work. I literally needed him to hold my hand while I went to talk to whomever it is was in charge of that particular division.

At some point, Dr. Woods came into my room. She had a very sympathetic look on her face. “How are you doing today?” she asked me.

“Fine,” I said, squeezing Nick’s hand. “It seems that I have stopped bleeding.”

“Good,” she said. “I wanted to tell you a little bit about the procedure that we’re going to do today. A D&C means dilation and curettage. You will be under general anesthesia during the process. Your cervix will be dilated, and then I will use what is called a
curette that will gently scrape the surface of your uterus. This is a necessary procedure, because there might still be matter inside of your uterus that will cause problems later on.”

I nodded my head. “Okay, thank you for the education about that. When will this happen?”

“I have you booked for 10 AM. It’s really a simple procedure, and you will be in recovery for a few hours, after which you may go home.”

Nick was standing there, holding my hand, but not really saying anything. I was sure that this was not his comfort zone, and I felt badly for him.

Dr. Woods came over and put her hand on my shoulder. “I’m very sorry about this. But you should know that this procedure, and your miscarriage, should not affect your ability to conceive in the future. I know that many women worry about that, so I wanted to ease your mind.”

“Thank you, Dr. Woods,” I said.

She smiled. “Okay, then, I need to take you down to get prepped for surgery.” She looked at Nick. “You may come with her to the waiting area if you like.”

“Of course,” he said. “That goes without saying.”

I smiled. If Nick was allowed in the room during surgery, he probably would be there. Even though I was quite sure that this procedure was distasteful for all involved.

∞

The surgery seemed to go well, I guess. I really wanted to stay in that euphoric state that I was in, right before I went under. I counted back from 100, and, by the time that I said “96”, I was floating, and feeling that nothing had touched me. All of the tragedy that had happened to me in the past few weeks didn’t happen, or, at least it felt that way in that split second in time. Then, the next thing I knew, I was waking up in the recovery room. There was a blanket over me, but I was still freezing.

Dr. Woods came over to me, my chart in hand. “Ms. James, your surgery went well. How are you feeling?”

I shook my head. “I’m okay, physically. Emotionally, I’m not so sure. I don’t really understand how I feel. I mean, this was the best possible scenario, under the circumstances. I couldn’t imagine bringing this life to term. That would be horrible. Beyond horrible. But, at the same time…I don’t know, that was my baby.” And then I looked at her. “Was there more than one?”

“Yes,” Dr. Woods said with a nod of her head. “It did seem that there were two fetuses that were miscarried.”

Somehow, knowing that made my heart hurt even more. Now I had to mourn for the loss of two lives, not just one. Two lives that I had no idea existed until I started bleeding on Nick’s bathroom floor. And now they were all that I could think about.

“Well, thank you very much,” I said to her. “Thank you for taking care of me.”

She squeezed my hand. “Of course,” she said. “Again, you have my condolences.”

I had to lay in the recovery room for about another hour, before a nurse came by to let me know that I was free to go. So, I got dressed and hopped down and sat down in my wheelchair and wheeled myself out to the waiting area, where Nick was sitting. He wasn’t doing anything at all. He wasn’t watching television or reading a magazine or anything. He was just staring into nothingness, although he did seem extremely happy to see me.

He got up and started pushing me out the hospital door. “How are you doing, my love? Is there anything that I can do for you?”

I shook my head. I was feeling that I wasn’t able to talk without crying right at that moment, so I just didn’t talk at all. I just wanted to go home. Go home and get into bed and feel my raw emotions for
a while. And then I wanted to take action. Call the sex offender division of the NYPD and get the ball rolling. Mr. Lucas was finally going to pay for what he did. I was more afraid than angry before. Now my anger had finally overtaken my fear, and I knew that Mr. Lucas was going down.

Nick then pushed me out the door and helped me into the waiting limo. He was being so good, but he didn’t know what to say, and neither did I. So, we rode in silence to his loft.

When we finally got into his loft, I asked to go upstairs to the bedroom. “I’m sorry, Nick, I’m just really tired. I know that you have to go to work tomorrow, and I have school, so I need to save my energy for that.”

“Of course, honey. Whatever you need,” he said.

“Thanks,” I said, as Nick carried me up the stairs. He gently laid me down on the bed and laid down beside me.

“I’ll just lay here with you until you fall asleep,” he said.

“Thank you,” I said, but I was drifting off, even as I said it. Within a few minutes, I was out like a light.