Saving Sara (Redemption #1) (19 page)

31.

N
ot cool, man, not cool.” Jake glared at himself in the mirror, wishing he could erase today.

Starting in the morning, when he’d ventured near an
airfield
for the first time since the accident, and ending with
blurting
the truth to Sara at the school.

God, what a mess.

He’d never intended to tell her about the accident. He’d been dealing with it. Hell, ever since he’d arrived in Redemption he’d been too busy caring for Olly to obsess all day. It had only been at nights, when he lay in bed staring at the ceiling for hours, that he replayed the aftermath of the accident in his head.

Like a horror film stuck on repeat, he would see the smoke plume, the wreckage, the personal items strewn across the ground.

The toys had killed him the most. There’d been seven kids on board that flight. Seven kids who’d never get a chance to grow up because of him.

He turned away from the mirror in disgust. The only reason he’d told Sara the truth was because he’d wanted her to know he wasn’t jerking her around. Wasn’t some player who wanted to date her a few times with sex being the end game.

It wasn’t like that with them. Hadn’t been from the start, if he was completely honest. And while not being able to kiss her or touch her would frustrate the hell out of him, he’d meant what he’d said: if friendship was all that was on offer, he’d take it. He could do with a good friend.

He had drinking buddies back in the city. Guys he could call up to go to a ball game or hang out at a bar. But he’d been such a recluse since the accident that those guys had stopped calling about eight weeks into his funk.

He knew what drew him to Sara. On some innate level, he
connected
with her sadness. Because he felt it too. Every single
frigging
day.

That’s why he’d visited the airstrip today. To confront his demons. To see if the nightmares would dim if he faced his fears head on. He’d heard in town that the couple who owned the local airfield were retiring, were selling up. It reminded him of his one-time dream, to own a hangar, servicing smaller planes and private jets rather than commercial liners.

Not that he wanted anything to do with planes anymore, but remembering his dream had driven him to check the airfield out. He’d wanted to prove to himself that he’d come a long way since he’d been in Redemption.

Sadly, he’d parked at the end of a runway on the outer
perimeter
of a fence, taken one whiff of diesel fumes, and dived back into
his car.

Maybe he hadn’t come as far as he’d thought.

Hopefully, tonight would help him forget his crappy day and solidify his relationship with Sara.

After saying goodnight to Olly and Cilla, he checked that he had everything packed in the trunk and headed over to Sara’s. She thought they were staying in tonight. He had other ideas.

He knocked on her door, hoping he wasn’t overstepping. What he had planned for tonight could be construed as a date. Which was what he wanted, to set Sara’s reservations at ease, but she’d made it pretty clear she wasn’t interested in short term. Maybe a moonlit picnic could be as simple as two friends eating supper?

Yeah, and maybe he’d be getting his pilot’s license soon.

When she opened the door, Jake released the breath he hadn’t been aware he’d been holding. She looked at him the same way despite knowing the truth about his demons, a beguiling mix of sincerity and sweetness, and it made him relax.

“Come on in,” she said, holding the door open.

“Change of plans. We’re going out.”

She wrinkled her nose and glanced down at her sweatpants and hoodie. “But I’m not dressed for it.”

“You’re dressed fine for where we’re headed.” He held out his hand. “Ready to go?”

After the briefest hesitation, she snagged her keys off the hall table, took his hand and closed the door. “Should I be worried? You’re not taking me night bungee jumping or anything ridiculous like that?”

Jake snapped his fingers. “Damn, you’ve gone and spoiled t
he surprise.”

“Idiot.” She laughed and bumped him with her hip. “Where are we going?”

“Not far.” He opened the passenger door for her, wishing he didn’t have to release her hand.

He liked the contact with her, no matter how brief. Friends held hands, right?

“Olly hasn’t stopped raving about your art class all evening,” he said, wanting to confront any potential awkwardness right off the bat. “You’ve inspired him.”

“He’s such a great kid.”

He liked how her tone softened when she spoke of Olly.

“Best thing I ever did, bringing him here to Redemption while Rose recovers.”

“You’re a great uncle.”

He shot her a sideways glance, found her staring at him with warmth and something more. Something he wanted to interpret as a deeper caring but didn’t dare.

He returned his attention to the road and they made small talk, mostly about the fair. It only took five minutes to reach their destination, the oldest vineyard in the area, which had a picnic spot on the highest peak of the property. Locals in Redemption had used it for years and while it was technically private property, the Lanagans didn’t mind people using it.

When he pulled the car over and switched off the engine, she said, “What is this place?”

“Lovers Lane,” he deadpanned, laughing when she whacked his arm. “Come on, I’ve packed a picnic. Thought it’d be a nice place to relax.”

She helped him lay the blanket on the ground and unpack the basket. He’d kept it simple: baguettes, cheese, strawberries, cider.

When they’d finished setting it out, she sat next to him, which he took as another good sign. At least she wasn’t chastising him for picking the most romantic spot in Redemption. Not yet, anyway.

“This place is gorgeous,” she said, tucking her knees up,
hugging
her legs and resting her chin on her knees. She looked pensive as she stared at the vines and he wished he could capture her
whimsical
expression in the moonlight forever.

“Haven’t been here since I was a kid.” He opened the cider and poured them each a glass.

“You started young, huh?”

He liked her teasing and he placed a hand over his heart. “I can solemnly swear that you’re the first girl I’ve ever brought up here.”

“Lucky me.” Her eyes twinkled with amusement as he handed her a glass. “Though you know all this romance is wasted on
a friend?”

“Is it?” He stared into her eyes, reading every shift in emotion: wariness, fear, excitement, hope. He could identify with all.

“Smooth talker.” She clinked her glass to his and sipped at her cider, giving him the opportunity to broach the awkward topic of the day.

“You know what I told you earlier at school?”

Her hand stilled and she lowered the glass. “Yeah?”

“I just wanted to say you got me at a vulnerable moment so that’s why I blabbed all that heavy stuff.” He swirled the cider,
staring
into the amber depths. “I headed out to the airfield this morning. First time I’ve been near one since the accident.”

Sympathy radiated off her. “That must’ve been tough.”

“Tougher than I expected.” He’d known facing his fear would be hard but he hadn’t expected to feel so goddamn overwhelmed. He’d been filled with self-loathing, and had only averted being violently ill by driving away at high speed. Even now, twelve hours later, he couldn’t shake the shame and the despair. “Couldn’t even enter the place.”

“Scars run deep.” She placed a hand on his thigh, unaware that her simple stroking action, designed to comfort, was eliciting a reaction of a different kind. “Guess we’ve both learned that the ha
rd way.”

He tried to ignore the rhythmic stroking, not wanting to ruin the bonding moment. “That’s another reason why I told you. Because I feel like we have a connection beyond the attraction stuff.”

“You’re attracted to me?” Her wry grin made him chuckle.

“Yeah. Go figure, huh?”

She patted his leg and removed her hand, making him wish he’d had the sense to anchor it there when he had the chance.

“Why did you do it? Go to the airfield?”

“To confront my demons.” He screwed up his face. “And look how that turned out.”

“It’ll take time,” she said, her voice soft and filled with understanding. “A few months ago, I never could’ve envisaged myself in a classroom with kids.”

“Has it helped?”

She nodded. “More than I could’ve imagined. Don’t get me wrong, I still cry myself to sleep some nights, but it’s getting easier to function most days rather than wallowing in self-blame.”

Self-blame
? Why would Sara blame herself for Lucy’s death?

If Jake had any chance of getting closer to Sara, of getting her to trust him the way he trusted her, he had to know what had
happened
with her little girl. Had to know all of it.

“If you don’t mind me asking, what happened with Lucy?”

Sara tipped the rest of her cider onto the ground, placed the glass back in the basket and took her time answering. He didn’t push. She’d tell him if she wanted to.

“I loved my Lucy-Lou like nothing else. She was my world. I stayed in my marriage for her, long after I should have.” She toyed with her hair, winding the ends around her fingertip. “But I loved my job too. Loved being a financial analyst. Found it challenging and rewarding. Worked hard to get promoted in the company.”

Her finger twisted faster. “It was tough, working all day and looking after Lucy at night. And I often had to bring work home on the weekends, but I never let it interfere with our time together.”

Her hand stilled, her eyes glazed in memories. “We did
everything
together. Walks in Central Park. Visits to bookshops. Play dates. I loved every second. But then I got a great opportunity, to present at a conference in Atlantic City.”

Her voice hitched and he slid an arm around her shoulders in silent comfort. “Lucy had had a bad cold for over a week. She’d been to the doctor’s, taken a course of antibiotics. Greg insisted she’d be fine, that he had it covered and if there was any change he’d call.”

Her lips pursed like she’d sucked on a lemon. “I have to admit, the conference was amazing. Being surrounded by fellow analysts from all around the country, giving a kickass presentation, made me feel validated in a way motherhood couldn’t.”

She dragged in several breaths before continuing. “Final night of the conference, I was out partying so forgot to charge my cell. Was on my way back to New York City when the call came through that Lucy was in the hospital with breathing difficulties and a high fever. By the time I got home . . . A virulent strain of viral pneumonia, the docs said.”

Silent tears trickled down her cheeks, making Jake’s heart ache for her pain. “I didn’t make it to the hospital in time. I didn’t have a chance to comfort my baby or hold her or do something . . .”

Her audible anguish made him hold her tighter. “And I’ve blamed myself every single day since for not being there when Lucy needed me most. Maybe if I’d been there she wouldn’t have—”

“Don’t do that to yourself,” he said, wishing he could do
something
, anything, to ease her pain. “There’s nothing you could’ve done.”

“Is that what you tell yourself every day to get over the
accident
?”

It was a low blow and he was sure she hadn’t intended on it sounding so abrupt. But she had a point.

“Guilt eats away if you let it. Guess we both know that.”

She nodded and rested her head on his shoulder. She fit
perfectly
into the crook of his arm and as they sat in silence, looking out over the moonlit vineyard, he wondered how on earth this felt so right when he’d only know this woman a short time.

“I’ve never told anyone all that,” she said, so softly he barely heard.

“Ditto for me.” He stroked her arm as she snuggled closer.
“I thin
k you’re incredible, Sara, and I value the bond we share.”

She looked up at him, her face inches away, her lips temptin
gly close.

“I feel the same way—”

He didn’t let her finish, crushing his mouth to hers. She tasted sweet and tart, a tantalizing combination he couldn’t get enough of as he devoured her.

She moaned as he eased her down on the blanket, the fervency of her kisses increasing as he smoothed her back, her hip, her ass.

Turned on to the point of pain, he rolled on top of her, savoring her gasp of awareness as he ground against her a little. When one of her legs wrapped around him, bringing her in tempting contact despite the clothing barriers, he had to remind himself where they were before he committed an indecent act in public.

Rolling back onto his side, he stopped kissing her with
reluctance
.

“Guess that answers the question of us being just friends,” she said, running a fingertip down his cheek, lingering near his mouth, tracing his bottom lip, as he resisted the urge to suck it into his mouth.

“Guess so.” He swooped in for another kiss, buoyed by her soft laughter as she gently shoved him away.

“But we take it slow, okay?” She eyeballed him and he glimpsed the remnants of fear.

“So that counts out a roll in the vineyard right now?”

Rather than push him away again, she fisted her hands in his T-shirt and shook him a little. “Don’t tempt me.”

“Tease,” he said, kissing the corner of her mouth, wishing he could kiss her all over, all night.

In response, she jumped to her feet and dusted herself off. “Don’t forget, it’s been a long time for me.”

“Me too.” He kept a straight face with difficulty. “Does that mean if this ground is too hard, you’d be up for a little back seat action?”

“You’re pushing your luck.” Her laughter made his heart lighten. “Don’t make me regret this.”

He stood and snagged her hand. “I think we’ve both lived with regrets long enough.”

If his sudden deviation into seriousness surprised her, she didn’t show it.