Saving Nathaniel (30 page)

The bell above the door jingled again, but she didn't pay it any attention. A few moments later, a shadow fell across her table, its owner standing between her and the light.

The shadow attracted her attention with a polite, 'Ahem'.

Chapter 26

She looked up, intending to ask the shadow to move, it was blocking her light. When she saw the face attached to the voice, her stomach somersaulted. He was the last person she expected to see.

She swallowed her mouthful of bagel. 'Nat!'

'May I sit down?' he asked with a pleasant smile.

'Please do.' She indicated the chair opposite, but he took the one next to her. Her heart had begun a rapid thrumming in her chest

He draped his coat over the back of the chair and glanced around the room. 'This is nice. I haven't been in here before.'

'Me neither.' She wiped her mouth and chin with her napkin. Melted butter was delicious but messy.

He looked different but she couldn't immediately put her finger on what it was. She eyed him closely, and then she knew. He'd had a haircut since she'd seen him last. It made him look younger. She approved.

'So what brought you here today then?' he asked.

'I've been for a walk and I got peckish. You?'

'Business.'

'Of course, it would be. It's good to see you.'

'You too.'

'How've you been?'

'Pretty good.'

'You look well.'

'So do you. You've lost weight.'

'Flatterer.'

'You can't blame me for trying.' He gave her a warm smile and her heart soared. She dropped her hand under the table and let it rest lightly on his leg.

'I've missed you,' she said.

'Like those fleas?'

'Like those fleas…'

She divided her bagel and offered him half. 'I was just thinking about you,' she said. 'Maybe it was my thought waves that drew you in here.'

'You haven't managed to forget me yet then?'

'Not a chance. You're going to be a difficult man
to
forget. Not that I ever would.'

'Now
you
are trying to flatter
me
.' He popped the rest of the bagel in his mouth and licked butter off his fingers.

She handed him a napkin from the holder on the table. 'Is it working?'

'I'll let you know.'

They fell back into an easy flirtatious repartee as if they had never been apart. He took a sip of his coffee and gave himself a foam moustache. Megan smiled her amusement, and he gave her modest thanks as she wiped his face with the napkin. He concentrated on stirring on his coffee, making patterns in the foam with the spoon.

'I know it was you who took my keys,' he said unexpectedly.

Megan stopped smiling and dropped her eyes from his face, nodding her affirmation. Rebecca had returned the key box as instructed, over a week ago, without any explanation of how she had come by it. She had left it on his desk and it hadn't been referred to since.

'Why did you take them?' he asked. 'You did know I could have got into trouble if the Polis had done a spot check on my guns?'

'No, I…I didn't know about that,' she said, her voice small and timid.

'So, why did you do it?'

'I…erm…' She hesitated, screwing the napkin tightly in her hand. 'I was frightened you might try to…hurt yourself.'

'You mean…shoot myself?' he said, his voice low and astonished.

She nodded. 'Yes.'

He stared at her, aghast. 'Oh, Christ, Meg, did you really think I could?'

'I didn't want to take the chance.'

'Why ever did you think I would?'

The stressed napkin began to tear as she wrung it. 'You were in a real state, so depressed,' she said. 'You'd had too much to drink and weren't in your right mind some of the time. I wasn't going to risk it. I shouldn't have done it, I know, but I didn't know what else to do.' Her eyes remained firmly fixed on the table.

'Look at me, Meg.'

She wouldn't, and he lifted her chin to look at her properly. 'I wouldn't have done anything, honestly,' he said. 'I'm a miserable drunk, I admit that, and I get over-emotional, but I'd never hurt myself. I'm too much of a coward. Besides which, guns like that make so much noise…'

She afforded him an intent look. 'Are you making fun of me, Nat?'

'No...no...I'm not, truly.' He reached out his hand on the tabletop, inviting her to place hers in it. 'I appreciate what you did more than you'll ever know.'

She put her hand in his and he held it, wrapping his fingers around hers.

'Meg, listen,' he said, keeping his voice low in case they were overheard. 'About the other night…afterwards, I know I should have called you. It was shamefully remiss of me not to, but I couldn't think of anything to say to you that didn't sound…contrived.'

She looked at him with disbelief. 'You couldn't think of anything in two weeks? A simple, 'Hello' or, 'I'm fine' or even, 'Get lost' would have been nice.'

'By the time I'd worked out what I wanted to say I thought it would be too late and you wouldn't want to know. I'm sorry if I let you down.'

He looked as if he meant it and she immediately forgave him. They suspended their conversation as they finished their coffees. Megan was the first to speak. 'I think you ought to know that Rebecca knows.'

'About...?'

'Us...spending the night together.'

He nodded an understanding 'Ah, I thought as much. That would explain why she hasn't spoken more than a handful of words to me since and each one of them attached to a knife to the bollocks.'

'Don't be crude.'

'Sorry.'

'I didn't mean to say anything because it wasn't any of her business, but she guessed right away. She always does. And when she said some stupid, hurtful things, I had to put her right.'

'Things about me?'

'About both of us. She's allowed to do it to me, I'm her sister, but not to you.'

'What did she say?' he asked, his curiosity piqued.

'Suffice to say she was rather rude and spiteful and made some dreadful accusations.'

Nat leaned close to her. 'Then I think we have things we need to talk about, don't you?'

'I'd rather not, but if you think we should, I don't think this is the proper place to do it, do you?'

'No. I'll take you for a drive somewhere we can talk in private and then I'll take you home.'

She agreed. They collected their coats and left the coffee shop, and no-one paid them any attention at all.

Chapter 27

At a quiet picnic spot three miles outside the village, Nat pulled into a parking place and switched off the motor.

They both unfastened their seatbelts but neither attempted to get out of the vehicle.

Megan stared out of the side window while he rested his elbow on the door and rubbed his hand tensely over his forehead. Minutes passed in silence and the resting engine ticked as it cooled.

'For a man who wanted to talk, you don't have a lot to say,' she said.

He suddenly pressed the car's ignition button and re-started the engine. 'This was a bad idea. I'll take you home,' he said.

She prodded the button with her finger, and the engine died again. 'You'll do no such thing. You brought me out here because you wanted to talk…so talk.'

He sat back in his seat and fixed his eyes on a point in the distance. There was a long pause as he gathered his thoughts.

'I have to say, first off, that I'm sorry. I know I've said it a lot in the past and many a time it has been meaningless, but believe me this time, I am truly sorry. I was totally out of order for not calling you and for shutting you out and for ignoring you.'

'I'm sure you had your reasons,' she said. 'To be honest, when I left you that Sunday morning I never expected to see or hear from you again. I'm just happy to see you today and to know that you are alright.'

'I didn't mean to be cruel, Meg. I just couldn't find the right words to describe how I felt.'

'You don't need to explain anything.'

'I do...and I have something to ask you; something that's been playing on my mind. Will you listen to me now, while I've got you here and I've got the nerve to say it?'

She smiled wryly. 'It's not like I can go anywhere. It's a long walk home.'

He sighed deeply, and
wiped his hands across his face. She had come to recognise the gesture as his indication that something was troubling him.
At first he faltered, 'I really need to know...for you to tell me...' And then he blurted out his question. 'What in God's name possessed you to sleep with me, Meg?'

The question astounded her. 'Excuse me?'

'I want to know why you slept with me,' he said. 'What made you do it?'

She swivelled in her seat and looked at him hard, a frown creasing her brow. 'You want me to give you a reason for wanting to go to bed with you?'

He kept his eyes fixed on a spot on the horizon. 'Aye, I do.'

'No! I won't. I don't see why I should have to justify my reasons, justify myself.'

'Please, Meg. I have to know.' A small muscle twitched in his tense jaw prompting her blunt answer.

'Okay. I'll keep it plain and simple - you were there and I wanted to. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Will that do?'

Nat didn't speak, continuing to stare straight ahead, his lips drawn tightly together.

'It seemed like you wanted it too,' she added. 'It might have been my imagination, but you actually seemed to be enjoying it at the time. Or did I get that all wrong, too?'

He turned to face her. 'Oh no, Meg, you're not wrong, absolutely not. I was…I did enjoy it…and you're upset.'

'Too right I'm upset, Nat. If you'd rather I hadn't slept with you, that's your decision. I'll make damned sure it never happens again, and you can do like you do with a bug on your computer, and wipe the whole sordid episode from your memory.' She rocked back in her seat, her arms folded in a solid peeve.

Nat shook his head and looked down at his hands. 'It wasn't sordid…not in the least. It was truly beautiful…wonderful...words can't describe it and I don't regret it for a second.'

His heartfelt admission caused a twisting sensation deep in her chest. 'Then why didn't you ask me to stay? Why did you let me go home and leave you there alone, thinking it had all been some horrible squalid mistake and didn't give a damn?'

His jaw tightened again. 'Because I was scared. I thought it was all too good to be true.' He fingered his wedding ring, turning it around. 'I've had a couple of women in the last few years but only because I was desperate for company, for some kind of...something. They were just one night stands – sex for the sake of it for me, money for them
. With you, it was so much more. It was everything I could ever want or need. It was passionate and sensual and…and so incredibly loving and it scared me to death that you
,
or anyone, could want
me
like that.
'

'Why wouldn't I? You're a very wantable man.'

'I thought you might have slept with me out of pity, because you felt sorry for me or because you thought I was…am, such a pathetic waste of time, and you thought it would cheer me up.'

'You can stop right there,' she said, knocking her head back against the headrest.

'I'm sorry,' he said, 'but I couldn't think of any other plausible reason.'

'Then obviously you don't know me at all. If you could entertain the notion that for ONE minute I would do something like that...'

'I'm sorry.'

She screwed her eyes tightly closed and clenched her teeth. '...and if you say you're sorry one more time, Nathaniel Mackie…I shall scream until your ears bleed.'

There were a few moments of terse silence before he spoke again. 'I have a lot to thank you for, Meg.'

'Whatever it is, I didn't do it for gratitude,' she said, stiffly.

'No I'm sure you didn't, but I want to do it anyhow.' He ran his hands over the smooth leather of the steering wheel.

'I want to thank you for being there when I needed you and for coming to me and staying with me. You didn't have to, but you did. It was the worst possible time and you helped me deal with it. I came out the other side unscathed but without you, I don't know what might have happened. You might even have saved my life.'

'Oh, no, Nat…'

'Let me finish.
When I lost Joanna, a deep, dark hole was gouged in me, right down my very soul. The edges of it were all jagged and torn and it hurt
so
much. At first, I only wanted to throw myself into it and let it swallow me up and rip me to pieces and let there be an end to it all, but I was too much of a coward, too afraid of what was in there. I still am. I know it's still there, waiting for me to weaken and fall.
Over the last few months I
'
ve felt myself slipping towards it again and I know if I fall in, that will be it. I won't be able to get out. Do you know what saved me from it? You did. You came along and grabbed me by the collar and dragged me away from the edge. You held on and you would n
o
t let go.
I want you to keep holding on Meg, because I don
'
t want to fall.
'