Saving Lawson (Loving Lawson Book 2) (12 page)

              I let out a hiss from the pain and smiled brightly at him. He shuddered at my puffy lips and swollen face. I couldn’t open my eye, and the other only lifted halfway.

              “You also look like a fucking blowfish.”

              I shrugged, and even that hurt like a motherfucker. “At least I did it, right?”

              He just stared at me for a moment as I attempted to eat my morning porridge. And then, out of nowhere, his mouth widened into a grin – one, that I was sure all the ladies flocked to – and he laughed. Just laughed. A real fucking laugh for once. And he shook his head at the same time.

              “Ryker,” he said, in between his laughter, “you’re a fucking psycho, man. I really didn’t think you were going to go through with it. Fuckin’ hell, I was just gonna give you a fuckin’ pat on the back for getting near the fucker. You…
surprised
me. And I’m not usually surprised.”

              “See, I’ve got fight in me.”

              “And now you’re letting your ego get to your head.”

              I chuckled and stopped immediately. God, the pain. “Well, you were right, and I wanted to be like you. I wanted to have your spirit.”

              He contemplated my words before sighing. “Yeah, well, fuckers like me don’t have a spirit, Ry. We’re dead on the inside. But bein’ here with you… it’s been a fucking great ride.”

              I knew he was telling me this because he was due out in a matter of weeks. The thought of being without the guy I spent my days with had me panicked and torn. He was a good friend despite how frightening he could be.

              “If you ever need help out in the real world,” he added, solemnly, “you can trust that I’ll be there for you, right?”

              I nodded. “I appreciate that.”

              But he wasn’t finished. He was troubled by something. He ran a hand through his dark thick hair and whispered, “Don’t go down the same road as I did, either. Don’t fuck up your life. Don’t go down the shitter just because you’ve been burned, Ry. The world’s a fuckin’ dump, sure, but if you look hard enough, there’s good there.”

              I nodded again, but in my heart I knew he was wrong. There was no more good in this world.

I had already come to terms with that.

Allie

I always prided myself on trying to be honest every step of the way. Even if the truth was hard to deal with, I owed it to anyone that wanted to know.

              Ryker damaged me. He fed me lies and hid parts of himself that were still a mystery to me. I felt him slipping through from my fingers long before he was arrested. I’d always known a relationship could only function when honesty was fundamental. Because with honesty there came communication, and when you could communicate everything with the person you were meant to share your life with, miscommunication became a thing of the past.

              I wondered if Heath was slipping through my fingers too. Maybe I’d been naïve to think that everything between us had been perfect. Maybe I’d been grasping for a happily ever after and I ignored all the signs the way I did with his brother.

              All I kept thinking about was the way he effortlessly lied to me. It came out quick and easy, like he’d done it before. Had he? If he lied to me about where he was all night, what other lies could there be?

              I swallowed a lump, pondering the possibility while wanting nothing more than to clench my chest and ease my aching heart. I couldn’t deal with him hurting me. God, if he broke my heart… I’d given it to him so willingly – so blindingly!

              Ever since that night he came home with questionable scratches on his face, he’d become closed off around me. While he’d been adamant I had no right not to trust him, I begged to differ. He was carrying a big secret in front of me. He continued to leave some nights, only this time he didn’t offer an explanation – or a lie – about his whereabouts. After, he would come home, barely say a word to me, and spend most of his time with Kayden.

              Then, to make it worse, I heard strange rumours when I was in class before a random girl came up to me and said, “I’m sorry about Heath. Men are dogs, huh?” I didn’t understand it for some days, not until I heard from a class friend that filled me in on the gossip. Apparently for a while Heath’s fangirls had thought that because I hadn’t showed up at his fights, I’d probably caught him with another girl.

              At first, I was a little relieved that Heath was genuinely fighting still. But then they said the name Trudy and all relief turned into bitter anger. That anger for the possibility of his unfaithfulness with that bitch grew inside of me every night he came home late. I wondered if he was with her, even walked into the rooms he’d leave and see if he left the smell of perfume behind.

              I was turning into a crazy, paranoid girl.

              The gap in our bed grew bigger, and neither of us were willing to close it. I was hurt and angry and suspicious of everything. I was dying to know what was so important to be shoved aside like I was. I felt pathetic and needy, and soon I was depressed by allowing a man determine my happiness!

              Regardless of how in love I was with him, I refused to be treated less than I deserved. I wasn’t going to be another doormat for someone to walk all over, and I was not going to live with being lied to either. I fought the depression by hardening my heart and focusing every bit of my energy in my classes and Kayden. I ignored the rumours and the stares. Stares that dripped of pity or amusement. I wasn’t going to let it get to me – after all, I put myself in this position to begin with, and I should have known what to expect.

              Being with someone always means risking having your heart broken, and at the end of the day, it’s nobody’s fault but your own. You made the leap. You chose to step in, blind but with both eyes open. That’s what it takes to fall in love, and it’s scary but wonderful at the same time.

              It also hurts like a motherfucker.

              One week later, we started clearing out the apartment for the move. Heath was reasonable to deal with. He didn’t lock his jaw around me like he was fighting to hold back words. He packed most of the stuff while I looked after Kayden, and at random times he’d stop and just look at me. I wouldn’t look back. I pretended to be busy, but I could feel the heat of his gaze on my back, and it felt like we’d rewound the clocks and were now stuck in our old pattern of awkward interactions.

              Every time he carried a big box out of the apartment, I’d stop what I was doing and watch him. It was hard not to admire a sweaty, built man that made your heart pound harder and your mind dizzy with lust. He was particularly beautiful this day, wearing a tight white tee that made his biceps strain against the sleeves. The words, “Bro, do you even lift?” took up his entire back in giant bold letters, making me roll my eyes at his ego. And it was these short moments that made my heart thaw and my walls crumble. I wanted to race to him, to tell him it was okay, that he could keep whatever he wanted from me so long as I could feel his love for me again.

              Of course I didn’t. I was too proud.

              It took the morning to empty most of the apartment, and at the new house, it took an entire afternoon to organize all our things. We didn’t have that much stuff, so the house was still bare and in need of more furniture. We made several trips back and forth, and we were well aware we’d have to be at the apartment at least another night before everything was completely cleared. So we kept the bed behind for the night and the bare essentials.

              It was while I was emptying out the cupboards in the bathroom that he approached me. He leaned his giant body against the doorframe and crossed his arms, watching me intently like I was doing some magic trick he was trying to figure out.

              Instantly my body heated. I trembled a little as I put my make-up away, and waited for him to say something. When I glanced at the mirror briefly, I found his eyes travelling down my body in a heated sort of way, and as always, I felt my belly flip-flop and my sex clench. Just envisioning what it was like with him was a turn on, but the way he looked hungry for me was a trigger I felt deep in my bones. It turned me to mush. Made me feel sexy and desirable, regardless of our troubles.

“I’ve got a fight tonight,” he finally said.

              I tensed a little at his words – half of me wondering if it was another lie – before I shrugged. “Okay.”

              He didn’t leave. He just continued to watch me in that addictive way I loved. Half of me sort of prayed he’d just nail me against the wall, while the other logical, boring part of me remembered the lies.

             
Not a doormat, Allie.
I reminded myself over and over again.

              “I’m being serious,” he then added solemnly. “I really am fighting.”

              “Okay,” I repeated absently.

              “Come with me.”

              I froze and looked up at his reflection in the mirror again and really took his appearance in. His dark eyes met my own, and they finally looked soft and inviting. The scratches were long gone, but his cheeks were filled with stubble now, and his hair fell over the top of his forehead. He looked so freaking raw and unkempt, and I couldn’t imagine a different look that might suit him better.

              “I can’t,” I replied. “I’ve got Kayden –”

              “Call your mom,” he interrupted, like he already had all the answers. “Tell her I’ll give her some money for it. She can come and look after him. It’s about time we pay her for babysitting him anyway.”             

              When I didn’t reply right away, he pushed off the doorframe and moved closer to me. His front pushed against my back and his fingers combed through strands of my hair from top to bottom.

              “Allison, I don’t want to fight with you.”

             
Allison.
I longed for him to call me that, the way it rolled off his tongue with affection.

              “I love you too much to keep this up,” he continued soothingly. “We’re wasting time fighting, and it’s not worth it. We’re better than that.”

              I wanted to stop feeling this way, but all it took was reliving his lie and feeling like I was being laughed at in public to worsen it.

              “I thought we were better than that too,” I replied in a hard tone. “I thought you were different. But all it takes to really know what you’re like is walking the streets and hearing people talk.”

              His face twisted to confusion. “Hearing people talk?”

              “You’re lying to me, but they seem to think they know what you’re up to when you disappear.”

              His expression turned grave as he replied, “What do you mean?”

              I turned around and faced him. I felt like I’d swallowed a gulf ball when I managed out, “They say you’re with other girls.”

              The grave look immediately disappeared and turned to irritation. “Fucking hell, Allie –”

              “You tell me you’re not out there fucking other girls, but I’m hearing a shit load of Trudy in these rumours.”

              Now there was nothing but shock in his eyes. “Trudy?”

              “Yes, Trudy.”

              I felt a little dumb mentioning her. His reaction spoke surprise on a nuclear level. I was pretty sure I was trying to find something to argue about. All that frustration needed a way to be vented out, and I’d just walked into the dumbest argument of all.

              “Yeah, well, Trudy’s probably the one starting those rumours,” he said to me.

              “What a convenient time for Trudy to start them,” I sarcastically replied, pushing past him. He followed me into the half-full bedroom and stood by the bed next to me as I packed the clothes into the opened suitcase on the mattress.

              “Look,” he said tensely, “if it wasn’t for you calling Matt and asking him where I was, then she probably wouldn’t have opened her ugly mouth in the first place.”

              I shot him a strange look. “What does calling Matt have anything to do with Trudy?”

              “Because he’s the one that called her! Asked her if she was spending time in bed with me, for fuck’s sake.”

              I stared at him for a moment, the shirt in my hand half folded. What the hell did he just admit to me right now? My heart picked up pace.

              “How do you even know he called her?” I demanded, feeling like I’d just caught him.

              He sighed and shook his head. “Why the fuck do you have to think the worst in me? The reason I know isn’t because I was actually in her bed, Allie. It’s because she told me as I went into the building that night.”

              “How convenient again that she’s there to tell you that,” I muttered under my breath, grabbing at another shirt to fold away.

              “It wasn’t the first time,” he replied hesitantly. “I caught her drunk and passed out next to the elevators. I took her to her apartment –”

              “What?” I cut in. “You took her to her apartment?!”

              He gritted his teeth as he stared hard at me. “Allie, I didn’t fucking do anything! Don’t you dare give me that look like I did –”

              “Well, you’re not entirely forthcoming with information anymore, Heath! So I think I’m entitled to give you any kind of look I want.”

              He opened his mouth to say something, but he stopped himself and whipped away from me. Dragging his fingers through his hair, he hurried out of the room and left me alone. Usually, I’d take this time to calm down, but I felt too angry to look past everything. And now on top of everything else, I had to imagine him touching Trudy and taking her to her apartment. Really? How could I be understanding of my man taking a girl he’s bedded in this very fucking apartment to hers?

              I was shaking with anger by the time he returned. His chest was rising and falling fast as he stopped beside me.

              “We’ve taken this too far now,” he said. “Fighting isn’t us. Please, let’s drop it.”

              “I’ll drop it when you tell me what’s going on,” I retorted.

              “Allie, look at me.”

              I didn’t.

              “Allie, please.”

              When I didn’t, he yanked the shirt from my hands and threw it on the mattress.

              “Cut it out, Allie,” he angrily said. “I’m trying my fucking hardest here. Just look at me and let me try to help you understand.”

              It took everything in me to bite my tongue. I crossed my arms and slowly turned to him. He was pissed, and he was clenching his jaw to steady his own temper. But at the same time, those eyes focused in on mine, and there was warmth and love there.

              “You act like I don’t want to be open with you,” he said softly. He moved to grab my hand but stopped himself. “I just… I wish you knew how wrong that was. I’m withholding information from you not because I want to, but because it’s for your own safety.”

              Fear gripped me as I stared at him in confusion. “What are you talking about? Is anyone after you?”

              “Yes and no.”

              “What kind of answer is that?” My voice broke and I wiped away the tears that sprung to my eyes. “This is so unfair, Heath. It’s like I’m back there again with Ryker, but only it’s with you.”