Saving Grace (30 page)

Samuel broke their gaze, but not before Grace caught a look of discomfort. “You did — you
are
responsible!” she accused. “How could you? Do you not you realize that I might have been with Helen and Christopher all this time? I might have been —”

“With me?” Samuel finished, meeting her furious gaze. “Or at the least, free to choose whichever man you wished? Yes, Grace. I do. I think of it every time I meet you here. Every night when I retire to bed alone.” He reached for her, taking her hand once more.

“But why?” Grace asked, pushing aside the image of Samuel sleeping alone. The last thing she wanted to feel for him right now was sympathy. He had incited Lord Sutherland’s initial anger against her. He’d all but thrust her into her current role — temporary though it now might be. “Lord Sutherland wouldn’t have known — or blamed me for our predicament.”
We might not have started off so terribly. We might not have started off at
all.

She quickly dismissed the distress that possibility caused.

“I cannot explain my actions,” Samuel said. His fingers stroked the back of her hand as if to make up for his words, but Grace would have none of that and pulled away.

Samuel’s hand reached for her again, then dropped to his lap as if defeated. “Perhaps someday I can tell you, but not yet. Only know that I have questioned my actions — over a dozen times since. Beyond making clear to Nicholas what had occurred with your servants, sending that letter with your father, telling him I no longer wished to marry you was one of the most difficult things that I have ever done.”

“Then why did you do it?” Grace demanded. Angry tears brimmed in her eyes as she looked to him for the answer he refused to give. “I do not wish to be some pawn in your game.”

“You’re not,” Samuel said. “And this isn’t a game.”

Grace shook her head and removed herself from the bench.

“Please, Grace ... Trust me awhile longer,” he said. “Will you come again?”

She closed her heart against the tenderness of his request. “I don’t know,” she answered honestly. She didn’t feel as if she knew much of anything anymore. Lord Sutherland had proven that he could be agreeable, but Samuel had betrayed her in the worst way. She didn’t know what to think. She started back on the path toward the house.

“You’re not a pawn,” Samuel called to her.

“You’re wrong,” Grace whispered. Somehow he was using her, and it didn’t feel so different from the way Father had planned to use her. She was nothing but a game piece for men to move to and fro as they pleased.

If Lord Sutherland does not have success in London …

Then I will be nothing. I will have nothing. I will never be free.

My Dearest Grace,

I am so glad to hear that Lord Sutherland is not as disagreeable as you first believed …

Grace plucked berries from an exceedingly overgrown bush near the back of the Sutherland gardens. Working with care, she managed to avoid most of the thorns and felt a sense of satisfaction as the berries dropped and the pail began to fill. The offering was sure to please Nicholas’s mother, who just last night had requested a berry tart for today, only to have a message delivered from cook that there were no berries to be had.

Grace had begged to differ but held her tongue. This late in autumn, not many bushes still bore fruit, but she had seen one or two during her wanderings in the garden.

The berries on this bush alone are more than enough for a few pies.
Grace worked quickly, pausing now and then to wipe her stained fingers across her skirt.

She wore her oldest, plainest frock, as the gown that had been ruined with mud had disappeared from her room after the gardening incident. She’d owned this
dress for a dozen years and had kept it only because she’d refashioned it from a dress that had been her mother’s.

Grace imagined the same fabric swishing about her mother’s feet as she worked and felt a melancholy she did not often possess.

It is because I am away from Helen and Christopher.
She had no ability to change their circumstance. Helen, in particular, had been on her mind of late, and though Grace had given another letter to Samuel to post, she had not visited him again to know if he had one for her in return.

If Father tries to arrange a marriage for her ... after taking Lord Sutherland’s money.

Grace wished she’d asked Lord Sutherland to inquire after her sister while he was in London. Based on their last afternoon together, she believed he might have taken the trouble to do such a favor. He’d been entirely pleasant company that day, and instead of feeling glad that he was gone, Grace had found that she missed him.

Especially since I’ve only his mother for company. And because I am no longer certain I can trust Samuel.
The more she thought about what Mr. Preston had done, the more betrayed she felt. She was certain Miranda and Harrison would never have taken him into their confidence had they realized how he would reveal their involvement.

She missed Samuel’s company but could not bring herself to seek him out again. She did not want to think about what missing Lord Sutherland might mean. And she missed her mother too. Grace forced herself to think on her previous resolution: to never fall in love with a man. Her mother was proof enough that doing so only led to misery.

I am miserable too,
Grace realized.
And it is the fault of
two
men.
She glanced down at the near-full pail and questioned her motives for picking the berries. Was it only a way to pass the time or an opportunity to do something nice?

Or is it because I wish Lord Sutherland’s mother to approve of me, because I am coming to care for him?

The thought was alarming — and distressful enough that Grace lost her concentration and pricked her finger on a particularly large thorn. Muttering an oath, she took up the pail and turned and fled the berry patch, intending to retreat to the safety of the library for the afternoon.

The only reason it is safe is because he is not here.

With a start, Grace realized the truth of the thought. Most afternoons that she spent in the library were with full knowledge
— hope? —
that Lord Sutherland would join her
.

“Oh no, oh no, oh no.”

This cannot be happening
.
I cannot come to care for him. Not now when I may soon be free. Not ever.

She marched past the bench at her meeting place with Samuel, not calling out to him or so much as glancing up to see if he was there.

“Grace!” His voice was hopeful as he popped up from the other side of the wall.

She slowed her steps, then stopped. Being rude would not help matters. “Hello, Samuel.”

“You came.” He was beaming.

“Not really.” Grace held up the bucket. “I have been picking berries for the dowager and had to come by this way to return to the house.”

One corner of his mouth lifted in a telltale smirk. “I know of another path. It is shorter and runs closer to the house. Though perhaps it has become overgrown in recent years.”

“The most overgrown thing around here is your pride,” Grace said, but her shoulders hung in defeat. “You have called my bluff,” she admitted, having taken the shorter path to the house many times before. She set the pail on the bench and climbed up. She did not accept his hand for help.

“As you called mine last time we met,” Samuel said, looking into her eyes with open honesty. “Can you forgive me?”

“For ruining my life?” Grace said. “That is quite a lot to ask.”

“Have I ruined your life?” Samuel asked. “Or just altered it?”

It was Grace who broke their gaze. “I don’t know.”

A sadness came to Samuel’s face. “I suspected as much.”

Grace doubted very much that he’d believed she might fall in love with Lord Sutherland, the man trying to destroy him. The bitter, revengeful side that Lord Sutherland presented to the world was hardly loveable. More likely, Samuel had assumed that she would come to accept her lot — one that he, at least partially, had cast upon her. She wished she understood why he had done it, but he’d already made it clear that he would not explain.

And so here we are again.
She could remain angry at him and lose his friendship, or she could forgive him and trust that whatever his reasons, he had believed them to be best at the time. But not now, he had admitted. It seemed that Samuel faced the same dilemma she did: the continuous wondering of what if they had been able to be together? And what might be done so they could have that opportunity now?

Nothing
.

For while Lord Sutherland might be willing to let her free to go far away with her siblings, it wasn’t likely that he would allow her anywhere near Samuel.

Were I to choose Samuel over Lord Sutherland ...

Grace could not do that to him — could not hurt Lord Sutherland in that manner when he had been kind to her.

But perhaps she could do something for both men.

Something before I leave them both.
A daunting idea occurred to her, a seemingly impossible goal: reuniting the two families.

But how?
Grace sighed with the heaviness of it.

“You are troubled today,” Samuel said. With his usual patience, he had waited and watched as she attempted to sort out her muddled feelings.

“I am,” Grace said. “I had imagined for myself a quiet life in the country with only Helen and Christopher as companions. In my dream of the future, the only man present aside from my brother would have been my grandfather, had he lived. I should have been content to push his chair along country lanes, with no more thought or care than which wildflowers to pick for the vase on the table.”

Samuel’s mouth twisted in amusement. He reached down, plucking a berry from her pail. “You wished for fields of flowers and an invalid man and instead find yourself with berries and a grumpy old woman.”

“Lady Sutherland is not old,” Grace said. “And had her son acquired his fiancée in the usual fashion, I doubt she would be so cross.”

“Hmm.” Samuel folded his arms and studied Grace as a doctor might study a troubled patient. “Defending one’s mother-in-law is a serious indication of commitment.”

“She’s not my mother-in-law yet, and she may never be. Besides, I wasn’t defending —” At his wicked grin, Grace broke off. “You are despicable.”

“And you are no longer fretting over flowers or berries or whatever was bothering you. I’ve teased you from your mood.”

“
Positively
despicable.”

He laughed, and it warmed her heart to hear it. Their last meeting had no laughter, and she had missed it. She’d missed him. She needed his friendship and knew she must forgive him.

But I needn’t make it easy for him.

“I will forgive you on one condition,” Grace said. She pursed her lips and narrowed her eyes shrewdly, as if she had but a few coins and was about to bargain in the market for tonight’s supper.

“All right,” Samuel said. “Anything for the lady’s favor.”

“
Anything?
” Grace asked.

“Within reason,” Samuel amended. He rolled his eyes and muttered, “Women. Always taking our statements literally.”

“Your statement
was
literal,” Grace said, turning from him to feign disgust. “Please be sure that you take my request the same way, for I want no substitutions.”

“What is it you wish, milady?” Samuel asked with a gallant bow that had him disappearing behind the wall for a second.

“I would like to — no, I
need
to know if my sister Helen is well. Her letters say as much, but I should like to know what Father is up to and how Helen is really faring by herself at home with him.”

Samuel reached into his coat and produced a letter. “Perhaps this will shed some light.”

“Perhaps,” Grace said, taking the envelope eagerly. “But I would feel better if someone had seen her. Miranda, my maid, will know how she is — if she’ll still speak with you, that is.”

“Oh, I am certain she will,” Samuel said, with far more confidence than Grace thought he deserved. “And Harrison, will he be a reliable source as well?”

“Yes,” Grace said. “Though he may be more difficult to locate. Miranda has likely returned to my father’s house to be with Helen. With our carriage broken and the horses only borrowed, Harrison has probably been forced to seek other employment. He may have returned to my late grandfather’s home, seeking a position with the new duke.”

“Or it is possible that they are both nearby, worrying over their eldest charge and holding me accountable for her well-being?”

“What do you mean?”

“This time I mean what I said — literally.” Samuel’s mouth widened in his mischievous grin. “Your maid and man have positions in my employ, for now. They ask after you daily and become rather testy when I have no news to give.”

“This
entire
time they have been at your house, and you did not tell me?” Instead of being grateful, Grace flew at him, holding out her hands as if she meant to choke him.

Samuel leaned from her reach. “Such gratitude. I am paying them well.”