Saving Amy (8 page)

Just one.

Of course once I started I couldn’t seem to stop at just one. Perched on the edge of the bath I ran the
blood-stained
blade through my soft flesh for the fourth time… but I wanted more. The painful balloon forming in my chest deflated a little more with each cut. Each time was deeper and I watched intently as the pain drained from my body, making pretty red patterns as it spiralled down my leg.

I could breathe again after the sixth cut. My heart felt lighter and my lungs were freed. I sighed contentedly as I cleaned myself up and sprayed the evidence of my anguish with antiseptic before grabbing my dressings from under my bed and covering them up. That always disappointed me somewhat. I liked to see them. I
needed
to see them. They were a reminder that my pain was real.

Regret consumed me as I curled myself up into a tight ball on top of my comforter. I didn’t think I’d ever have to lie here again. I didn’t
want
to ever have to lie here again. Once again I sobbed heavily into my pillow, crying until my eyes were too sore and swollen to produce fresh tears.

My ears pricked up at the sound of the doorbell and automatically I noted the time – 07:45 PM. No one ever visited this house and it was surely too late for a salesman. Gently easing myself out of bed I crept across the landing to the top of the stairs, making sure I avoided the loose floorboard outside my bedroom door.

“Well you can’t. She’s sleeping. Surely this can wait until morning?” I heard my dad say. He sounded angry and it ignited fear in my bones. Whoever it was would be my fault.

“I’m afraid it can’t. This medication was missed off her prescription and it’s vital I explain the dosage and instructions to her,” replied the most soothing voice in the world.

I was already half way down the stairs. When I reached the bottom my dad turned and glared at me. His sinister eyes were bursting with promise and I knew he was annoyed with me. Possibly foolishly - with Richard just feet away from me – I didn’t care.

“Amy,” Richard said and his velvety voiced melted into my ears. “I’m sorry to bother you so late but I just need to run through a couple of things with you. Is that okay?” I nodded overenthusiastically and I heard my dad’s breathing becoming jagged beside me. Bravely – or stupidly – I stepped past him and out onto the front yard, closing the door behind me.

Richard was wearing tight blue jeans and a white v-neck sweater. He looked like he’d just jumped off the cover of Vogue magazine and my ridiculous heart did that stupid fluttering thing. He looked nervous as he handed me a white paper bag containing a small box of pills.
Surely a late night home visit to drop off meds is above and beyond his precious duties,
my smartass subconscious bellowed. I mentally slapped the invisible face behind the unwelcome voice and embraced the few minutes of feeling safe that were about to follow.

“What are these?” I asked, peering into the paper bag.

“Aspirin,” he answered in a confessional tone, leaving me bewildered. “I was called into the E.R. this afternoon on my way to see you. When I’d finished you were gone. I had to know you were okay.”

Why?

“I’m fine. I told you I would be fine.”

“And would you tell me if you weren’t?” I thought about it for a moment and decided I probably wouldn’t. What would be the point?

“Yes, I would,” I lied. “But let’s face it, you’re not around for me to tell now. I’m not your patient anymore,” I answered a little more acerbically than I’d intended. The realisation sent my heart diving into my stomach.

“I’m here now.”

Again, why?

What did he want from me? Was I really just his patient? I had no reason to believe he was anything more than my doctor but I could just
feel
some kind of invisible, inexplicable force between us. Magnetic almost – as if I was physically being pulled towards him. I studied his face intently for signs that he felt it too. His brow was furrowed – was he confused, like me? His breathing was strained – was his heart aching, like mine? His fingers were fidgeting by his sides – was it stop them reaching out and touching me, like mine with him?

Of course it isn’t. Stop being so fucking dumb.

Struggling to believe he felt it too I convinced myself I was just seeing what I wanted to and the sheer perplexity of it all rapidly grew into frustration.

“Look, Richard… I’ve told you I don’t want support from any shrink, counsellor or whoever else you’ve got up your sleeve,” I snapped.

“What about me? What about support from
me?
”

Why!

“I really do understand some of what you’re going through.”

Like hell you do.

“You’ve been great – everyone at the hospital has. But I’ve been discharged now. I’m not your responsibility anymore.” Richard’s brow dropped and he started rubbing his forearm. I couldn’t tell if he was disappointed or frustrated but he was most definitely not what he should’ve been – indifferent.

My mind and my heart were bursting at the seams.

“Of course.” He nodded crisply – back in doctor mode. “My apologies again for disturbing you so late. If you need anything or have any concerns, please don’t hesitate to contact the hospital,” he responded so frustratingly formally. I decided there and then he definitely had two sides. Richard and Doctor Lewis were like two completely different people – like Jekyll and Hyde.

Nodding equally formally, I turned to go back inside.

“Amy?” He gently grabbed my arm just above my cast and pulled me back a step. “Take care of yourself.”

I nodded once again and smiled warmly at him. When he released his hold of my arm my heart struck a painfully fast rhythm and I knew this was probably the last time I’d ever see him. Swallowing back a choking lump in my throat I headed back inside, closing the door without looking back.

I was taking my first step on the stairs when I was abruptly pulled back down.

“What have you been telling him?” my dad roared. Before my brain had time to process his words I found myself pinned up against the wall by the strong, smarting grip of his hand around the base of my throat.

“Nothing. I’ve said nothing,” I wheezed.

“Don’t bullshit me, girl. Doctor’s don’t just turn up like that. I’m sure he has enough monkeys to do his dirty work for him. I hope for your sake you’re telling the goddamn truth.”

“I am. I swear it,” I choked out.

“Get upstairs,” he demanded after giving my neck one last shove into the wall. I breathed a sigh of relief. I was expecting worse.

I was back hibernating under my quilt – which was still damp from my earlier tears – when every bad thought that led me down the path to the hospital returned with vigorous speed. I tried to remember the plans I made but now I was here, back in reality, I couldn’t see them actually materialising. Graduation was one week away and I’d missed all but one final. Who would employ me now?

There was no way out. I would never escape my father – he’d make sure of it. Trying to resign myself to the life I’d been given, I sank my face into my tearstained pillow and sobbed violently into it –
again.

Me: Good luck 2day. Sorry I’m not with U. I’m sure you’ll do amazing! Xxx

I
tapped Julie’s name into the recipient bar and hit ‘send’. Today was graduation and Julie had been asked to give a short speech as a sort of consolation prize for missing out on being valedictorian by just two credits. Today was the start of her future and I just knew she’d go on to do amazing things with her life. She had everything I used to wish for and nobody deserved it more than she did.

I started to wonder if school had bothered to contact my dad over the fact I’d just stopped attending one day, and what excuse he gave them if they had. Eventually I decided they couldn’t have done –
I
’d have been
a few bruises
worse off if they had. They mustn’t have given a rat’s ass about me either.

My cell vibrated against the wood of my dresser.

Julie: Cheers Amy. Wish u were here. I’ll fill u in tomoz! Love u xxx

Shit. I’d forgotten we were meeting tomorrow. If graduating
was
about passing the world’s shittiest friend final I’d have been the first to get my diploma. I was both relieved and grateful that she’d reminded me. I didn’t know when I would see her again now she’d been accepted into the University of Florida.

I could’ve quite easily gotten depressed about that today so I decided to jump in the shower before it took over my mind. By the time I’d finished it was time to trawl the city in search of a job. Someone must have to something to offer. I was prepared to do
anything.
Selling, waitressing, scrubbing toilets…

I got in my car feeling unusually upbeat -
positive
– and headed out towards the city.

When I got back in my car I slammed the door closed and slumped my head over the wheel. I was all rejected out. I couldn’t take another ‘no’, ‘sorry no vacancies’ or ‘what qualifications do you hold?’ for today. It was 05:15 PM but I couldn’t face going home yet – my dad was due home shortly so I planned to hold out until I knew he’d be in bed.

My only friend was busy graduating and I had no money so it looked like I was in for a few hours sat in my car with the stereo blaring to drown out my thoughts. I scanned through the stations until I came across a half-decent song, threw my head back and closed my eyes – letting Adele distract me for what wouldn’t be long enough.

Startled by a knock on my window, my eyes jolted towards the glass. Then my heart sank. It was Leon. Hesitantly, I rolled down the window.

“Long time no see,” he chatted as if we were friends but I knew he was only here to make money.

“What do you want, Leon?”

“That’s no way to greet an old friend now is it? You seem tense. I can help you with that.”

Here we go.

“No thanks. I’m done with that shit,” I declared and hoped it was enough to send him packing. Oddly, I hadn’t given the stuff a single thought since ending up in hospital and I’d had more than enough reasons to. Bizarrely, somewhere entrenched in the back of my mind, I wondered if it was because of Richard and some kind of deep desire not to let him down – even though the rational part of me knew I’d probably never see him again.

“
Really?
” The arrogant fucker sounded surprised. “Well it’s always best to have something handy for when things get too much. Here…” He passed me a familiar pouch through the window. Immediately I pushed it away.

“Seriously, I’m not interested. I’ve no cash on me even if I was,” I declared, positive the fact I had nothing to offer him would definitely send him on his merry way.

“Call it a favour. You’ll thank me in the end.” Leon dropped the pouch onto my knee and then winked and walked away before I could pass it back to him. I huffed into my shoulder and stuffed the packet into a rip in the lining of my purse before anyone saw it. I would dispose of it later.

It was 06:45 PM already. The time had passed quicker than expected but I didn’t think I could hold out much longer. My neck was stiff and I was getting cramp in my legs.
Balls to it.
I gave in and started the engine to head home. If I was fast enough I could probably make it to my bedroom without seeing my dad on the way.

His car was missing from the drive when I arrived home and my veins were saturated with relief. After killing the engine I grabbed my purse and scuttled hurriedly down the path to the front door. As usual I planned to run straight upstairs but I froze when I stepped inside and saw my mom crumpled on the floor, rocking back and forth.

“Amelia,” she gasped and held out her hand for me to help her stand. Selfishly I wanted to ignore her and get to my room but deep down I knew that would make me as sadistic as my father. Taking her shaking hand, I pulled her upright. Her lips were swollen to double their size and a trail of dried blood was stuck to her chin.

“Are you alright?” I felt obliged to ask. She nodded and sniffed in her tears. She looked a mess and as much as I wanted to think she deserved it, I didn’t. I looked into her empty eyes and saw my future. The thought ripped through my heart and suddenly I was terrified.

“Go sit down. I’ll get you some water,” I offered. That was probably the longest interaction we’d ever had. She smiled as gratefully as she could manage and went into the living room. When I stepped past her to get to the kitchen she stopped me, pulling me back by the arm.

“Maybe something a little stronger,” she suggested – erasing all traces of my sympathy. My eyes scanned her up and down in disgust then I reached for the half-empty gin bottle on the walnut bookshelf and threw it onto the couch where she was heading. Immediately I left the room and I could hear her screwing the cap off before I’d even reached the stairs.

That was another day over and nothing had changed. I was
back
here – alone under my flowery quilt – with no job, soon to be no friends, no education and no escape.

I was scared…

**********

Sitting in The Daily Grind coffee house waiting for Julie I’d almost finished my iced-tea. Leaning back into the dark green couch, which housed a squared-off lightwood table, I was surrounded by businessmen and students. I found myself staring at the passers-by – watching and admiring them going about their business. Watching them
live…