Saving Alexander (27 page)

Sage chuckled. “Don’t remind me. The last time, one of them tried to grab the scarf I was wearing as a souvenir. I’ve never seen a fashion designer go so ballistic thinking one of her creations was being pinched. There was a lot of girl-fighting that night, I can tell you.”

Luke looked at him with awe. “Crikey, you have the best life.”

Sage laughed. “Jenny’s also me got a whole load of voiceovers for various commercial radio ads when I get back. So she’s really keeping me busy.”

Later that night, alone in his hotel room, he sat, staring at the TV, watching an interview with Alex on national television with one of the entertainment channels. Alex looked a little thinner than usual but still as handsome as ever. His dark hair had grown longer, lying thick and straight on his head, making Sage wish he was with him to run his hands through it. Alex looked debonair and very sexy in his tight chinos and button-down cream shirt. Sage wondered with a pang in his chest whether he was still seeing Eric. The interviewer was asking him about the increased success of his books with the recent incidents. Alex was very professional, answering the questions and responding with a smile. It was only when the next question was asked that Sage saw him lose his composure.

“I know you were involved for a short time in a relationship with the delectable Christopher Sage. I’m not going to ask you anything about that, or why you’re no longer together. I know you’ve both said it was an amicable breakup. But he is a man who’s every gay man’s fantasy. I’m sure our viewers would like to know what he’s actually like as a person. Is he really as nice as seems to be on TV and in his interviews?”

Sage saw Alex swallow slightly, looking down at his hands. “He’s a consummate professional and one of the nicest people I know. He’s very charming and a complete gentleman. Yes, he’s as nice as he appears to be.”

The interviewer laughed, leaning forward, conveniently forgetting her earlier statement about not probing their breakup. “He was recently interviewed by
People
magazine and declined to answer any questions about the relationship the two of you had. He was decidedly cagey about it and at one time it even looked like he might deck the interviewer. Luckily they changed their tactic and went onto something less personal. He obviously feels less easy about it than you do. Can you perhaps tell us anything as to why he might feel that way?”

Sage held his breath. He remembered that interview vividly. The young reporter had definitely overstepped the boundaries of the agreed interview and he’d been lucky not to get punched on the nose on national television for his indiscretion. It had taken all Sage’s self control to keep himself in check. He’d seen Jenny desperately trying to get the interviewer’s attention, making throat-cutting gestures behind the scenes.

At the interviewer’s blatant question, Alex looked like a rabbit caught in headlights. Sage watched his face intently, waiting for the reply.

“I’m afraid you’d have to ask him that and chance getting decked,” Alex replied firmly with a tight smile. “I can’t presume to know what he’s thinking.”

Sage watched the rest of the interview feeling numb. It appeared Alex definitely had
him
out of his system. He switched off the TV and lay back on the bed in the darkness.

Chapter 25

Alex watched Melanie as she sucked the end of her pen, reading something in her notes from their previous sessions since the Eric incident. When she looked up she frowned.

“So you’ve been seeing someone else since your last session with Eric. Somebody at Study in Scarlet?”

Alex swallowed. “No. I found another agency that specialises in it.”

“How far do they take it with you?” Melanie’s voice was soft.

A sense of shame washed over Alex. “Hard enough, the usual stuff. It’s no worse than it was before, if that’s what you mean. But it’s not the same.” He coloured. “I can’t even orgasm when the sex act is going on.”

Melanie regarded him with compassion. “Alex. This sounds to me as if it’s become a habit as opposed to a real need. We’ve talked about this in therapy before. You’re just going through the motions now. Being with Sage made you see there is another way of life.”

“And losing him made me realise that there isn’t,” Alex spat back. “I still need this. I know I do.”

Melanie sighed. “You’re punishing yourself again. You think you can’t be loved, ergo you need to prove someone needs you, even if it’s just for the whipping and flogging.”

Alex pressed his lips together mutinously. “I need to go. I just can’t orgasm, it’s no big deal.”

Melanie regarded him thoughtfully. “Alex. Tell me more about why you used your safe word with Sage. We’ve talked about it since you split up but I still feel you’re holding back.”

Alex looked down at his hands. His lips tightened. “I needed to let him go.”

“Why did you feel that?”

“He would have gotten hurt if I hadn’t.”

“Hurt by whom?”

Alex looked at the psychologist who was watching her intently. “Eric threatened to hurt him. And I knew that I would one day. Eric showed me that no matter how I try not to be, I’m still damaged.”

“The same Eric that disregarded all the rules you put in place and used you for his own gratification? The man who assaulted and raped you?” Melanie’s voice was hard.

“Eric didn’t rape me.” Alex’s voice wavered. “He did what he normally did to me, what I normally pay him for.” His body was cold and he trembled at the memory of that last vicious assault, the degradation and the pain he’d felt.

Melanie’s voice was like steel as she leaned forward to look at Alex’s face.

“But this time you didn’t want that. You were in a relationship, with a man who loved you, whom you loved in return. You were trying to sort yourself out and you were getting better. And this man decided that wasn’t enough for him, he needed more from you. So he bound you, gagged you—something you had requested he not do—did his S-and-M thing and then entered you from the front—again something you had been specifically against—and violated your body and your mind by not wearing a condom.”

Alex heard from Melanie’s tone and words that she wanted there to be no doubt that she didn’t agree with Alex’s assessment of the situation—his lie to himself.

Alex felt faint. He wondered why Melanie was being so harsh, so aggressive.

“Is that how it went down? Is that how you see it happened?” Melanie was unwavering.

Alex stared at the woman who stared back, deep into his eyes. “Alex. Is that right? Is that how you chose the evening to play out? Was it your choice to have it done that way to you? Or was it Eric’s choice?”

Melanie’s voice softened as she saw Alex’s obvious distress. “I know you think I’m being cruel. But one thing I’ve always been with you is honest. I’ve worked with many people in your situation before and I have a lot of experience. I’m a specialist in this field— it’s why Cully sent you to me. So I feel I can ask questions other people might not. And I’m asking you: Did you choose to have those things done to you or did you not?”

Her voice rose slightly. A wave of nausea washed over Alex and he jumped up, reaching the wastepaper bin and retching into it, whilst kneeling on the floor, his body shaking, head throbbing.

Melanie simply sat watching him. When Alex finally finished being sick, it was as if he’d been put through a mangle. His body and his ribs ached from the constant vomiting. The start of a red tide ebbed through his body, an anger that swelled up from the very depths of his being. He stood up slowly, turning to face Melanie slowly. Melanie still regarded him with an expression of expectation.

Alex’s voice got louder as he spoke. “I didn’t want it. I didn’t want to be whipped, bitten and screwed like that. I wanted a basic need to be met and that’s what I asked for. I was getting over all the violence, I was even over the sex because I had a really good man in my life who was good to me and gentle and provided me with everything I needed in that department. I was starting to feel like I had a future. Then I went to Eric. I was going to tell him that was the last session. He made me feel like I used to, dirty and used, like I was nothing. He hurt me so badly and I told myself it was me wanting him to do it subconsciously. But I hated every minute of it. It didn’t feel right like it used to.”

He broke off, his chest heaving. “I had to wait for more test results to prove I was still clean, that I wasn’t infected with anything Eric gave me. That was so bloody hard, Melanie.” His voice broke. “Thank God it was all right. I don’t know what I would have done otherwise.”

Melanie spoke quietly. “Alex, I was with you when you got the results. I know how difficult it was for you.” Her voice softened. “I was so worried you might do something stupid.”

Melanie didn’t have to elaborate on this statement. Alex knew the therapist had been scared he’d try to self-harm or even worse, try and kill himself. This final betrayal by Eric may have well been the proverbial straw breaking the camel’s back. But after what Alex had been through in his life, facing worse than what Eric had put him through, there was no way he’d ever give anyone the satisfaction of that action. Deep inside, he knew Melanie had known this too.

Melanie regarded him thoughtfully. “And now when you’re at this new place? Does it feel right there either? How do you feel about it? Does it excite you, give you pleasure?”

Alex shook his head slowly. “No,” he whispered brokenly.

Melanie spoke softly. “So you don’t really want it any more. You were starting to cope without it and then someone came along and forced you to take it. Just like Rudy did. What does that make what Eric did to you, then? I need to hear you say it, I need you to be honest with yourself.”

Alex stood there, white faced. He couldn’t bring himself to verbalise what had happened with Eric any more than he’d been able to do it with Rudy.

Melanie sighed, closing her notebook. She stood up, coming over to Alex. She didn’t touch him, simply stood close. Alex felt her warmth and smelt the fruity smell of whatever perfume she was wearing.

“Alex, look at me. Come on, look me in the eyes. Pretend I’m Sage. I know that’s going to be hard but I need you to focus.”

Alex raised his eyes slowly to meet Melanie’s brown eyes. The woman gazed back at him, her look clear and unwavering.

“When you looked into Sage’s eyes like this, what did you see, Alex? Describe it for me. Use any words you like, but tell me what he meant to you. What he made you feel.”

“Safe. He made me feel safe. Loved and respected.” Alex’s whisper was hardly audible. Melanie nodded.

“What else, Alex? Think of your man. Tell me what he was like.”

Alex thought back to the times he’d shared Sage’s bed, snuggling up to his warm body in the aftermath of sex or just dozing on a lazy Sunday morning. He saw Sage’s cheeky and surprised smile when Alex had pushed him down onto the hay in his barn, pulling off his clothes like a man possessed and mounting him like the stallion in the next stable. Alex heard Sage’s deep chuckle echoing in his ears as they watched an episode of
The Big Bang Theory
, a show to which they’d both become addicted. In his mind’s eye he saw Sage wrapping him into his strong embrace when Alex was troubled or in the grips of a nightmare, shushing him and saying that everything was going to be okay. And he remembered Sage’s mouth, warm and loving on his skin as he kissed Alex’s scars and told him that he loved him.

It was as if a dam broke inside him and all the feelings he’d been repressing since he’d sent Sage away welled up inside and threatened to overwhelm Alex like a tsunami rising up over a beach.

Alex gave a choked cry, shouting out a loud cry of sheer anger and pain. Melanie stepped away, out of reach, and stood silently watching as Alex turned, sweeping the objects on a nearby side table onto the floor with a vicious sweep of his hand. The green glass vase crashed to the floor, smashing into pieces. The magazines that had been so carefully organised fell to the ground like paper bricks. The tulips that had been in the vase lay strewn across the floor, petals of yellow and red having slowly floated to the ground like leaves of confetti. Alex’s chest heaved, his breath coming in short, deep gasps as he looked at the destruction he’d caused. Melanie stood, still carefully watching, making no move to come to him.

Alex sank down to the floor, his arms wrapped around his knees, face buried in his chest as he sobbed. “Eric raped me. He abused me, Melanie. I thought I’d left it all behind and he went and dredged it all up again. Oh God, I lost Sage. I’ve lost him, Mel.”

He was too busy sobbing to hear Melanie’s sigh of relief as she came over to him, sitting down beside him, putting her arms around him and pulling him close. Alex leaned into her, his body heaving with sobs and the knowledge that he’d sent away the only man he’d ever really loved.

“Let it all out, sweetheart. You’ve been so brave to come this far. Now we can start the healing process all over again. We’ve done it together before. We’ll do it this time as well. Maybe we can get Sage back for you, just in time for Christmas. You and me, Alex. We can do this.”

Chapter 26

The end of the year was drawing close and Christmas was only a month away. Sage was in the midst of filming a particular gruelling action scene when he saw Alex come into the studio. His heart flipped and he missed a particularly crucial moment when he was supposed to raise his arm to defend himself. His co-star’s hand smacked into his chin, knocking him to the ground in a blur of stars.

“Jesus, Sage! I’m sorry! Why the hell didn’t you defend yourself, you silly blighter?”

Sage sat up rubbing his chin ruefully. “It’s not your fault, Mike. I didn’t follow the move through. I’ll be fine. Just a little bit of wounded pride.” He grinned but his eyes followed Alex as he disappeared into Luke’s office.

What is he doing here?
Perhaps he was coming back to work in the studio. The last six weeks had been sheer hell for Sage, knowing Alex wasn’t far away but not seeing him.

He had butterflies in his chest, small, flying creatures that darted around, bumping the wall of his rib cage. He wandered over to Luke’s office, his insatiable curiosity getting the better of him. The door was open and he looked into Luke’s office, pretending to need a question answered, one which he’d already rehearsed in his head.