Save Me (11 page)

Chapter Twenty-One

Tegan

As soon as I couldn’t hear his bike anymore I turned around and headed in the direction of the bus stop. Going home wasn’t an option, not while they were still over. The bus I wanted was fifteen minutes away.

Sitting down on the bench, I pulled my purse out to make
sure I had enough for the fare. Walking wasn’t happening.

My phone showed far too many missed calls, texts and voice mail messages
for my liking. Wow, they weren’t giving up easily. I just wanted to be left alone for a while. I slipped my phone in my bag and closed my eyes. It was getting harder. Things were supposed to get easier with time but it wasn’t. I just wanted things to go back to how they were so I didn’t feel like a stranger and I could breathe again.

The journey on the bus took twenty minutes longer than it did in a car but with every mile I put between myself and home I relaxed more. If Mum said she wanted to move I’d be collecting house brochures in a flash. Everything at home was filled with Dad and I couldn’t stand it.

The bus was filled mostly with old people and young mums. I felt like I didn’t even belong on a shitty old bus. Looking out at the passing landscape, I wondered what the hell I was going to do, now and long-term.

Before
Dad died I had a plan: go to sixth form and study music, get good grades so I could to take it to university and then work towards my dream job. I wasn’t sure what that dream job was yet but I knew it involved the piano.

Dad
dreamt of opening up a music shop, said it was so he could supply me with instruments whenever I needed to jet off around the world and play. I wasn’t so far up my own arse that I thought I’d be able to travel the world and play in some form but I was certainly going to do my best to be able to. Now the idea just made me feel sick.

I needed a new plan but my future looked blank. Right now I had no idea what I was doing or even what I was thinking half the time. I could look at decisions I
now made and think ‘Tegan would never do that’. Well, Tegan was elsewhere right now, so fuck it all.

As the bus reached my stop, I made my way to the door. “Thanks,”
I mumbled to the driver and got off. It was around nine thirty and the sun was still holding out – just. Well, at least I wouldn’t get cold.

Without thinking too much where I was going, or more importantly
, why I was going there, I trudged up Lucas’s hill, pushing on my thighs to help myself get up. He came here to think things through and clear his head. I wasn’t expecting miracles but I hoped it’d do the same for me.

It was
so pretty up here with the waves gently crashing against the shore. I sat close to the edge and played with the blades of grass.
New plan, Tegan, come on. Sixth form?
Facing my friends – the ones whose messages and calls I’d ignored for months – was the last thing I wanted.

I sighed in frustration and
lay down on my back with my arm slung over my eyes. It was useless. I was just going to be a disappointing fuck-up and, to be honest, I didn’t even care all that much.

“Tegan?” Lucas’
s voice made my heart leap.

I sat up
and looked around.
Should’ve known he’d figure out where I was.
“What do you want?”

He stepped closer, standing over me. “What the
hell
are you doing?” His voice was too calm and too controlled.

“What does it look like I’m doing?” I said sarcastically, standing up to face him. I dug my nails into my palms.
I didn’t want to fight with him but I didn’t want to want him more.

“We had no idea where you where after Kai dropped you off. Anything could have happened, Tegan,” he
snapped.

“I don’t care what happens to me,” I
replied. It was one of the most honest things I’d said to him. I really couldn’t care less. Part of me wished I were in the car with him when it crashed.

Lucas’
s face paled. Grabbing my wrist, he whispered, “Don’t say that. Maybe you don’t care, Tegan, but the rest of us do.”

I ripped my
arm from his grip. “Don’t touch me.”

He let me step away
, like I knew he would. “You need to stop this. You
have
to deal with what happened.”

No, I really didn’t.

His words were like a sledgehammer to my chest. Anger
boiled over and I wanted to punch something. Punch him. Punch the whole fucked-up world. Spinning around, I headed back down.

“Tegan,”
he called after me.

“
Just leave me alone, Lucas,” I screamed. I was breathing heavy and my hands were shaking violently. I fought harder than I’d ever had to to stay in control. Chanting over and over to let it go and block it out, I sped down towards the bottom, all the time ignoring his footsteps behind me.

Stopping at the bus stop I got off at, I busied myself looking at the
timetable. He was still there, still hovering around, slightly glaring at me.

“Tegan, let me drive you.” I
ran my finger down the column of times to find mine. “Fuck sake, Tegan, just come and get in my car!” I’d never seen him so pissed off before. Whatever.

“No,”
I replied.

He sighed and stepped in front of me. “Please. I can’t just leave you here.”

“Why not?”

“Because I care about you. Everyone does. You can hate me and ignore m
e the whole way back but I need to make sure you get home safe.”

My fucking bus wasn’t due for another hour.

“Fine, I will ignore you the whole way. Where did you park?”

“
At my house.” As soon as he told me I took off in the direction of his place, leaving trailing behind. “Are you still pissed off with me?”

“
Yes,” I bit out.

“I’m sorry,
Tegan, but it’s true. We all just want you to get better.”

I stopped abruptly and spun around. “I’m not sick, Lucas. Just shut up and take me home.”

He didn’t try talking to me anymore and the whole car ride home was silent and awkward. I watched out of the corner of my eye as he effortlessly changed gear and swept around the corners. His grip on the steering wheel was just that little bit too tight though, and gave away how angry he was.

As we approached my road he slowed down. “
Look, I’m sorry for what I said and how I said it. Can you talk to me now? I hate you being pissed at me.”

I forced a smile.
“We’re fine. I just want to forget about it.”

He nodded and pressed his mouth
into a thin line, clearly wanting to say something else. Arguing with him sucked but I was done. Done with everything and everyone and I just wanted to sleep.

I walked into the house and straight upstairs.

Before I could think too hard and run to the safety of my room, I turned around and went back down. They were talking about me, of course. All of them were in the kitchen and Mum was quizzing Lucas on where I’d been.

The music room door was open as I went to
go back upstairs. Listening to them discuss everything that was wrong with me wasn’t high up on my list of things I wanted to do.

I stood outside
and stared in. The large grand piano sat in the middle of the room. It had lost so much of its beauty now and I didn’t really want to play it. At the same time though, it was calling me.

Time stood still as I gingerly took steps closer. For the second time today I felt my hands shake.

Taking an uneven breath, I found the courage to reach out and glide my hand over the top. It even felt different. It was just a piano, why was it so hard?

I sat down on the bench and raised my
trembling fingers over the keys. His aftershave was definitely still in here. I tried to ignore it. Even though I knew he was gone it gave me false hope that he’d walk through the door any minute.

Without any thinkin
g or planning I started playing his favourite song. The music flowed through my mind, my voice changing to his in my head. I imagined him sitting at the piano, gracefully touching the keys and singing happily.

When I finished the last note I opened my eyes, half expecting him to be there. He wasn’t though, of course. Something dropped onto my lap. A tear. Raising my hand to my cheek, I felt
the dampness.

A strong hand
touched my shoulder and I knew it was Lucas. I squeezed my eyes shut and lost the battle for the first time since Dad’s funeral. I couldn’t stop it. A tidal wave of ugly, raw emotion hit me and a deep sob erupted from my stomach. I missed him so much. I wanted him back. It was too soon for him to leave me. Bending over, I let it out and gripped my hair as I tried to not let the grief swallow me whole.

It took me an hour to calm down. I couldn’t take a breath without sobbing and I was exhausted. Lucas had sat beside me, picked my limp body up and curled me on his lap soon after I started crying.

His shirt was soaked where I’d cried solidly for sixty minutes.
“Sorry,” I mumbled, pulling back and wincing at the state of his t-shirt.

“Don’t apologise,” Lucas replied. “Are you okay
now?”

“No,” I
finally admitted aloud. “I’m really not okay.”

He nodded soberly. “What can I do?”

“Nothing. I’m not your problem. You don’t need to do anything. Thank you for staying with me, though.” I shuffled back so I was no longer on his lap or in his arms. That was harder that it should have been. I wanted to snuggle back and have him hold me until it all stopped hurting.

“Don’t shut me out,” he
said. “I can help you.”

“How?” He didn’
t have an answer for that because there wasn’t one. I would just have to deal with it on my own. Or not. I felt the worst I had in a long time and every single part of me ached in the most painful way. I shouldn’t have allowed myself to do that. I wanted those huge iron gates back up and my emotions locked safely away.

“I should go find my mum,” I told him.

“Sure.” He frowned, sighing so quietly I almost didn’t hear him. Everything with Lucas was different. We were barely friends but we seemed like so much more.

“
Mum?” I called, walking through to the living room. She was on her feet by the time I got to the room.

“Honey, are you alright?” She sniffed and pulled me into her arms.
No. Fuck, I didn’t want her to hug me. I closed my eyes, pushing everything away as hard as I could.
Don’t feel. Don’t care.

I pulled back and did my best to smile. “I’ve got a headache so I’m gonna go to bed.”

“Of course. Do you want me to get you some painkillers?”

Shaking my head, I took a few steps back. “I’ll get some, but thanks.” Lucas watched silently as I walked past him.
I felt weak and I fucking hated it.

Never again.

Chapter Twenty-Two

Lucas

“Lucas.” I looked up to see Alison and Ava in front of me. “She’s in her room, give her a minute to sort herself out.” When we got back she ignored everyone and locked herself in her room.

She was more upset than she’d ever tell anyone, even herself. I hated leaving her like that but she needed time. After thirty minutes her mum and sister had had enough worrying and went to check on her.

I was a little surprised. “She wants to see me?”

“Yeah, she said and I quote
 ‘don’t let him come up for five minutes because I look like crap’ and then she ran to the bathroom.” Ava tried to impersonate her voice, she failed miserably but it made everyone laugh and lightened the mood.

“So, she’s good? Had she been crying
again?”

Alison shook her head, her eyes darkening. “No, I don’t think so. She’s so…controlled now. I
don’t know how she does it.”

“Have you thought anymore about counselling for her?” Mum asked.

“I have, but getting her to agree is impossible. She’s seventeen; I can’t force her, as much as I want to. I just wish she’d wake up and see what she’s doing to herself and the rest of us.”

“You think Kai helps?” I asked. “She told me he does but I can’t see how.”

She shrugged. “Oh, I don’t know. I can’t imagine he can be either, but if Tegan believes it I’m not sure if I should try to take that away.”

I knew she should. Tegan needed someone to tell her what to do and mean it. If it was up to me I’d ban her from ever seeing him again, hell, I’d ban her from even thinking about him. It wasn’t just the jealously talking
either; she needed a clean break from all the bad to focus on healing and moving forwards.

I knocked on her door
five minutes later.

“Come in,” she called out.

That made a nice change from her telling me where to go.

She was sitting on her bed watching
Family Guy
and looking fucking gorgeous. She definitely hadn’t been crying again but she did look sad. Her smile hid nothing.

“Hey.”

“Hi,” she said weakly and patted the bed.

I sat down, crossing my legs at the ankle and looked over at her.
“You okay?”

“Yeah.” Sh
e laid her head on my shoulder and it was ridiculous how much that small contact made my heart race. “I’m sorry about before, Luke.”

“It’s okay,” I replied.

“It’s not okay. I just needed you to stop talking, but you need to know that I didn’t mean any of it. I really am sorry.”

“You’re forgiven,” I said. She leant
around and hugged me, burying her head in the crook of my neck.

I stroked her long hair.
“So, does that mean you want to be with me?”

“Luke.” She hesitated an
d I felt my heart drop. “I just–”

Fuck, why did I go there?
I turned my head away, not wanting to look her in the eye when we had the same conversation about how she in fact didn’t want to be with me.

“No
, Lucas.” She was pulling my arm so I faced her again “Look, it’s not that I don’t want to be, believe me, I do, I just need to take this slow. Really, really slow.”

“So
, you do want to be together?”

“Yes. I just don’t want to rush anything.”

Smiling, I put my arm around her. “Okay, I can do slow. Can I take you on a date? Nothing heavy or serious, just a casual date.”

“Yep
,” she replied. “Just don’t expect–”

I held the hand up that wasn’t trapped behind her back. “No expectations, I swear.
Where do you want to go?”

Laughing, she replied, “Zoo.”

“Is that the only place you can think of?”

“
Apparently. Anyway, you shouldn’t ask me, if you were a real gentleman you would surprise me.”

“You hate surprises.” She shrugged.
“Alright then.”

“Alright what?”

“I’ll surprise you.”

She sho
ok her head. “No, I was kidding.”

“You can’t have it both ways, Tegan.”

“Yes, I can, I have breasts.”

I laughed and tilted my head, getting lost in eyes that held so much
hurt. “Thank you.”

“For?”

“Giving me a chance.”

“I’m giving us a chance. Just be patient with me.”

I had a feeling this was going to take all the patience I had but I was willing to give it a go. I had to make things better for her and see what these feelings I had for her were all about.