Sapphire and Shadow (A Woman's Life) (36 page)

“Yes?” she cried breathlessly.

“I found her.” When only silence met his declaration, Joshua became concerned. “Johanna?”

She gulped in snatches of air. “Where? Is she all right? Was she—?” She couldn’t make herself say the last word. If Jocelyn was hurt, if anything had happened to the girl because of her own cowardice, she’d never forgive herself.

“She’s at Mary’s. Mary found her waiting in the hall for her.”

“Mary? But why didn’t she call me?”

“She tried, but she couldn’t get anybody to pick up. Then her battery died.
 
She didn’t want to leave Jocelyn to call you until she had calmed her down. By then I showed up. I’m out in the hall.
 
I didn’t want Joce to hear me talking to you.”

Thank you, God
.

With her back against the wall, Johanna slid down to the floor, her legs unable to support her any longer. “Oh Joshua.”

He heard the relief, the fear drain from her. “I know. It’s okay, honey. She’s asleep and I think it’s best if she stays with Mary tonight. We can come and pick her up in the morning.”

She nodded numbly and then realized that he couldn’t see. “Fine.”

“She’s going to be all right, Johanna. Are you?”

“Now. I—Joshua, could you—?”

He heard the need in her voice. He had intended to come back anyway. She had been through hell and now that it was over, he wanted to be there for her, just to hold her if that was all she needed.

“I’ll be right over,” he promised.

Chapter Thirty-seven

When she opened the door to him, he saw the tear streaks still fresh on her cheeks. Without saying a word, he reached out and brushed them gently away. Johanna mustered a smile and shut the door behind him. A long sigh escaped her lips as she turned toward him.

“Joshua, I can’t begin to tell you how grateful I am to you.”

“Then don’t try.” Words weren’t necessary, not those words. He could read them in her eyes.

“I have to,” she insisted. “I have to talk to an adult. I’ve been talking to myself for three hours and you know how I can go on. I nearly drove myself crazy.” The abrupt flow of words stopped and she flung herself into his arms, pressing her head against his chest and holding on to his arms. “Oh God, Joshua, I was so frightened, so frightened. I kept envisioning all sorts of things happening to her and—“

“Shh.” He stroked her head, his fingers caressing her silky hair. “It’s all over now, Johanna. I should have brought you with me.”

“No, no.” She looked up at him, still holding on. “You were right. If she had come home on her own, wanting to talk and I hadn’t been here, I wouldn’t have forgiven myself.”

He liked the way she felt against him, soft, supple, feminine. “She loves you very much.”

“Did she say that?”

He wanted to lie, to tell her yes, but he had lied once, a long time ago. And it had cost him her. He was through with lies. “She didn’t have to. It was in her eyes.”

She found that she could grin. “Oh, you read eyes now too?”

“Didn’t you know? I’ve been reading eyes for a long time now. A hobby.” He brushed a strand of hair away from her cheek.

Vulnerable, she felt incredibly vulnerable. The pending excitement, the electricity that was just out of reach, licked at her from all sides. All she had to do was take a step toward it.

She took it.

“And what do mine say?”

She knew what she was doing, Joshua thought. Whatever lies she would tell herself later, she knew. “I’m not sure. I have to get in closer.”

“Myopic?”

“Just came on suddenly.”

His breath touched her lips a moment before he did, preparing her, anointing her. She raised herself up on her toes just slightly as she molded her body to his, feeling the heat flare from his loins to hers. His need for her, hard and hot, was there and suddenly, she wanted nothing more than to forget everything but this passion that was igniting within her. Her lips parted, inviting him in, to taste, to sample. To possess.

Joshua held her tightly in his arms, deepening the kiss slowly, taking time, holding himself back when all he wanted to do was make love to her, here, now, on the floor, breathlessly and passionately until exhaustion claimed them both. He had wanted this so much for so long that now that it was finally happening, it seemed unreal. If he rushed, he might frighten her, make her back away or he might wake up and discover it was all only a dream. He wanted to savor this as much as he wanted to plunge himself into her and enjoy her.

But even now, he wanted to give her the gift of time, so he went slow, calling on all the control he had in his possession, stretching it tightly to its very limits and then asking a little more of himself for her. For Johanna.

Once the waltz had started, she found that she didn’t want it to end. She knew all the arguments against this. She had been over them in her head a hundred times. She would give herself and inevitably have something taken away. She knew all the pitfalls that lay ahead, the trap that would spring and hold her prisoner, but she didn’t care. Not now, not this moment. All she wanted was to be held and to hold. To touch and be touched. Whatever penalties there were to be paid, she’d pay them. Tomorrow. When dawn came. But for now, with morning still hours away, she wanted to be his.

The vulnerability that was ripped open tonight had made her open to attack by her own feelings. There was no use hiding from them or from the way she felt about Joshua. If she still believed in happily ever after, Joshua would have met all the conditions.

But things didn’t happen that way. She knew and still she wanted him.

He made love to her with his mouth. His lips roamed her face, touching her eyelids, her cheeks, her forehead, her throat with an endless chain of kisses that reduced her limbs to liquid and heated the very core of her being. As with the return to the museum, she felt as if she had suddenly come home, as if her soul had been searching for only this and had finally come to it, after journey’s end. Only the tiny part of her mind that was still functioning knew it was an illusion
.

But for tonight, the illusion was enough.

Johanna tangled her fingers in his hair as he cupped her head back. Shards of desire shattered all through her as he did nothing more than kiss her over and over again. With impatience, she tugged at his shirt. A button popped off, pinging against a glass on the coffee table before coming to rest on the rug.

Her very touch made it hard for him to keep his restraint in tact. He was only flesh and blood and the best of intentions could be easily burnt away by passion. “Careful,” he murmured against her skin, “I’m not much at sewing buttons back.”

“I’ll do it,” she promised, tugging at the others. “I’ll sew them all on.”

“Oh God, Johanna, you have no idea how long I’ve waited for you to say that.”

She felt his smile along the hollow of her throat. “Even now, you can make me laugh.”

“Laughter’s good for you,” he whispered, caressing her, letting his mouth glide down lower on her skin. “I’m good for you.”

And he was. Oh, he was, she thought, groping to pull the shirt off his shoulders. She nearly shredded it as she pushed it down his arms.

“You’re ahead,” he told her, his voice thick. “My turn.”

With slow, deliberate movements, he worked the zipper of her dress down her back. Johanna shivered as she felt its descent until he came to a halt well past her waist. With both hands on her back, he parted the material like two halves of a book and rested the pages on her arms. The dress floated down to the floor and she stood in a soft blue teddy that made him ache in its transparency.

“Part of me wants to undress you totally, the other part, the artist in me, wants to just worship here and now. God, you are beautiful, Johanna.”

He made her feel soft, feminine. He made her feel as beautiful as he said she was. Every pulse in her body throbbed. Yet somehow she found words. They had always been able to communicate. She clung to that, that difference. Could that be the key? “Which part wins?”

Mischief entered his gray blue eyes. “This is one work of art I really want to get into.”

A giggle broke loose and it made the kiss that followed all the sweeter, all the warmer. Secrets were there, their secrets. Secrets they shared now and before. He spanned her waist with his hands, pulling her to his body as his mouth pulled away all the secrets she had kept from him, all her hurts and pain.

Her hands curled against his chest, her fingertips gliding along the light matting of soft brown hair, her body heating at such a rapid rate that it stunned her. Even with Harry, it had never been like this, never this quick, this wild. And yet this sweet.

It was past the time for words, for banter, for niceties. Needs and wants, so long denied, took over. The teddy whispered to the floor beside the dress. He lowered his head and touched her nipples with his tongue, sensitizing the skin along the way. She moaned, digging her fingers deeper into his hair and arching her body. She needed this, wanted this, loved this.

Loved him.

God help her, she was doing it again. She was falling in love with Joshua, perhaps had always been in love with Joshua, and there was nothing she could do about it to stop it.

Nor did she want to. Perhaps tomorrow, but not tonight. Tonight she would burn away her sorrow, her bridges, and all the consequences that lay ahead. Tonight, she only wanted to be loved and to make love with Joshua.

He shed the remainder of his clothes impatiently, tossing them aside. Rather than carrying her to the bed, he gently guided her to the white rug beneath their feet. The time for patience, for slow, languid steps had gone. The kisses grew more passionate, more caring, and they found that they bruised each other’s lips without feeling the pain. Only the ecstasy. The only thing that mattered was quenching the fire that burned between them.

Her hands roamed his body. She wanted to touch every part of him, to pull his essence into herself. To absorb him and this moment, to pretend, for a little while, that it was all right. That somewhere down the line, her heart wouldn’t break. She heard his groan as her long, delicate fingers left their mark on his bronzed skin.

It took every shred of control not to give in to the urgency that savaged his body. He wanted to plunge into her, to make her his now, finally, after all these years, but even now, his breath ragged in his throat, his heart hammering at every pulse point, he held himself in check, pleasuring her. First, always first. Her satisfaction before his because it was his. He wanted to give her the joy that he was feeling and knew that at the very least, he could give her the jubilance of being loved.

When his tongue glided down her body, teasing her skin, she tensed and arched and kept her cries muffled within her throat. It became unbearable to hold back. As his tongue reached the moist, inner core of her feelings, she felt a scream mounting, begging for release, just as her pleasure begged for it. The first crest tossed her like a skiff in the wind, first up, then down, then up again. She dug her nails into the rug, searching for a hold as his mouth worked indescribable wonders, making her rediscover her body, her wants, herself. She was moist and hot and aching for him.

“Joshua, please.”

The words were forced through a throat so dry she could barely speak. She held out her arms to him and felt his hot body along every inch of hers as he slowly pulled himself up over her. It was skin against skin, flesh against flesh, need against need. Never had she experienced such excitement, such pleasure.

He framed her face in his hands for a moment and looked down at her. Her eyes were smoky, clouded with desire. She had never appeared more beautiful to him. He wanted to tell her then that he loved her, had always loved her and would go on loving her until there was no breath left in his body.

But it was too soon for words like that, too soon for her and he knew it. It saddened him even now. But it would come soon, he promised himself. For now, he would content himself that he had her body. Her love was something he was willing to wait for.

His mouth covered hers and he drove himself into her. The cry she gave echoed into his mouth as they both moved to a rhythm that had been preordained since the beginning of time. She didn’t know who set the pace, or if it was something they both escalated within each other. He had begun slowly, moving his hips just a little. Her response had become more intense, more demanding, spurring him on, until they both went spiraling faster and faster, bringing each other up higher and higher until they met again on the final plateau.

A low moan echoed between them. It might have been hers. It might have been his. Neither knew.

Spent, satisfied, their skins damp against one another, they lay within the shelter their arms created and let their breathing slow to a peaceful, easy sigh. He shifted his weight only slightly, to keep the burden from her. But he couldn’t bear to pull himself away from her completely. Not yet.

Johanna keep her arms encircled around him for a long time, afraid that if she let her arms drop, if she let go, the rest would go, too. And the joy, the fulfillment, the sense of peace she felt within her was far too precious to release just yet.

When he finally moved, she gave a small cry of protest, like a child about to be chased away from the only shelter she had ever known. He moved her over until her head rested on his shoulder and he could cradle her against him. She felt safe, protected and this was another gift he gave to her.

They stayed like that a long time, each not wanting to move, not wanting to talk. Not wanting to break the spell of the moment, even though there was so much to say, so many feelings to explore.

Finally, she fell asleep.

Joshua listened to her breathe evenly and thought how wonderful a sound that was.

Chapter Thirty-eight

It had been a long time since Johanna had woken up in a man’s arms. Her mind still fuzzy with sleep, she was slow to open her eyes, not wanting to let go of the delicious sensation that enveloped her body and warmed it. With a sigh, she snuggled in closer. When she finally did open her eyes, she felt slightly disoriented. There was a man’s hand wrapped tightly about her breasts. And then it all came back to her in abrupt waves. Jocelyn. Running away. Joshua.