Sand Glass (6 page)

‘You’re talking
about paradox.’ Jules said, and stood up quickly, his cat’s eyes
gleamed as if ready to pounce on the mouse, ‘The tension would be
unbearable! Everything would have to follow in some kind of
perpetual circle….It’s insane!’

Janey stomped
to the window and stared out of it.

‘We must not do
that!’ Jules was sounding quite anxious. And it seemed as if
professional jealously was not at work here. He was simply
scared.

‘That is the
only way. I have all the notes. I have the people. I can do it.’
She spun on her heel, ‘I don’t actually need you Dr Rosen. There is
no reason why this cannot fix the problem, and end this.’

‘You know that
cannot be true,’ Jules said, everyone else was standing and adding
in their share. The room became very loud and the stress level in
the atmosphere was rising rapidly. Alex stood silent in the middle
of it just watching. At that moment Violette returned. She came to
Jules and took his arm, an enquiring look. He was getting really
worked up again. ‘I don’t think we can do anything to make her
change her mind. It will be a disaster, the maths has only to be
out by one number on the tenth decimal place and you could create
something monstrous…. Christ! That woman needs a bloody collar and
lead…. Sorry, sorry.’ His voice went into a fuzzy mumble, which
didn’t make much difference, because everyone else was talking at
once.

He turned to
me, ‘You have to say something to her. Please, before she wipes out
everything that has ever happened.’

I clumsily
patted his arm, ‘It’s ok. Without you she can’t act on it….’ I got
up suddenly, and strode over to her, ‘Janey. Kitchen. Now!’ I
hooked my left arm through her right and pulled her out of the
group. When we were in there I shut the double doors.

She looked like
she was about to slap me.

‘Before you say
anything. Shut Up!’ I was speaking swiftly and keeping my voice low
enough so that the others didn’t hear. ‘You can do the crazy
self-sacrificing bit on someone else. I will go back. And I will
find the source of this. There’s more going on than just your
mistake... or trusting the wrong people. There are hopes and fears
and friends we made. Not everything was bad. Not everything didn’t
work. You are not the only person to consider in how this started.
And everyone is responsible for the things they do. You can play
the game by your scientific rules Janey Arden, but until you feel
it inside.’ I touched her lightly just below her collarbone, ‘In
there… you will make the same mistake over and over again; for
eternity.’

Janey was
white. A little colour stained her lips, but my words had driven
deep.

She swallowed
and licked her lips before speaking: ‘So nothing I do means
anything. I can do nothing to help.’

‘You can do
what you’re supposed to. You can work with the team. Some of them
have been to Hell and back. And you should respect the fact.
Playing God, is not something that we want to encourage in anyone.
That’s what happened…. Someone. Probably this “Rimmington” that
everyone seems to have heard of but nobody’s met, got trigger happy
with the modulator and has been making more and more realities one
after another. Some may have popped like bubbles. Some may still be
hanging around somewhere. But we all have a choice on how we live…
every time. If you attempt to take that away from us, you’ll be
just like them. Arrogantly playing God, and thinking you’ve got the
absolute right to do it. You will be the enemy. I promise you this,
Dear, Sweet, Janey; should that happen, I will make it my job to
destroy you.’

She backed away
from me. Eyes like dark spaces in the relative gloom of Alex’s
pantry door area.

‘I hate you.’
she hissed.

‘As you wish.’
I said with a complete determination set to stop her should the
need arise.

‘Why did you
like her?’ she said in a cold tone, and clutched the back of one of
the remaining chairs.

‘Because,’ I
said calmly, ‘we travelled together into the ice fields. We got to
know each other. She was a beautiful adventurer… always ready for
the next horizon, the next corner. The next discovery….’ My voice
started to crack, ‘I saw how she loved the days when we saw the
clouds, and when the temperature dipped so low your breath would
turn to mini cloudlets right there in front of you. I loved her
laugh, and the way she sometimes curls her hair more. And I
remember the scent of roses, and mint. And it mingled with the
snow. The scent of snow. And as long as I live and breathe, I will
not wish to take one moment from any of that. And Jared didn’t want
to give away anything of that either…. You know that. Don’t you? He
was free to choose out there. Out there he took control and guided
others. We are all the better for it. Ask any of them. Anyone. Let
them tell you.’ I pointed at the doors to the front room; ‘Take
your pick. They’ll all let you know what he was. Don’t you presume
to understand something you could not, and to decide what we can
keep and what we can erase… you have no right to do that.’

I saw that she
was breathing rather fast. I deliberately stepped towards her. The
knuckle of her right hand was white where she gripped the chair. I
must have scared her because she tried to back off then and found
herself trapped between Alex’s pots and pans and the pantry door
that was half open.

Quick as
anything she took an enraged swipe at me. Faster than thought I
caught her wrist with my right hand. I pushed her backwards until
she was pressed against the shelves half way inside the door.

‘Let go!’ she
struggled.

‘No Janey. Not
now.’ I felt calm descend inside. No anger was left. But I kept
hold of her just as firmly, ‘I will hear you say that you are not
going to attempt to do that thing. That you will help us. The way
we want.’

‘I’m…’ she
tried to duck under my arm. I pinned her with both hands at once.
‘You can’t make me.’

‘It’s true I
can’t.’ I said, ‘but you will do what you’re supposed to none the
less.’

‘I can’t
breathe.’ She said in a frightened squeak, ‘Let go of me!’

‘No…. Because
my Janey wouldn’t want me too.’

She stopped
struggling. Eyes were like hopeless holes in her soul.

‘You think,
she’s better than me.’ she said bitterly, ‘ironic that I should end
up being jealous of myself.’

I realised how
much bigger I was than her. And how small and frightened she
appeared. It made me crumble inside, but I couldn’t let up until
she had relented. I relaxed my grip a little. She pushed against me
and squeezed sideways against the still damaged right arm. It gave
way.

‘I’m going to
leave now;’ she was red faced, and indignant, ‘and if you come
anywhere near me I’ll have you arrested.’

‘I don’t think
so.’ I said softly.

‘Oh?’ she
appeared confused now I made no move.

‘Because you’re
still curious about something. And you’ve been wondering about it
ever since yesterday.’

‘No… I don’t
know what you mean.’

‘Of course you
do. Aren’t you just a bit curious? What did she see in me?’

Unconsciously
she took a step towards me. She was frowning, but intrigued.

‘I’m not really
anywhere like as strong as I appear at the moment. In fact….’ I
pulled a chair out and sat on it. The arm hurt again. I blinked a
few times. ‘….I could probably do with a month off work. I guess
Alex can wangle it for me.’

Pain is
strange. It narrows the view but somehow expands the awareness.
Janey disappeared from in front of me. She moved back round from
the other side of the table.

‘Water and
tablets. Painkillers.’ She offered them to me.

I took the
water from her and drank some of it. It wasn’t too much help. But
it was cooling.

‘The pills are
only paracetamol.’ She sat on a stool next to me.

I looked up at
her, ‘It needs to be something stronger than that. Sam has the case
in his car.’

She didn’t move
but stared at me. I didn’t care. The parabola of pain peaked, and
then gradually left again. It receded enough to make it bearable. I
looked at her again.

‘You really
love her. Your Janey….’ Janey’s eyes were full of a different kind
of pain. This girl had the raw memory of the accident. And I the
raw memories of all the bad bits of the last few weeks. We were not
that different, but I saw someone I could not reach. Yet she had
called her “your Janey”. I sipped some more water. And she sat
there as if thinking very hard about something.

‘What happens
to her and me if we meet?’

‘One ceases to
exist.’

‘But that’s not
possible. She doesn’t know about Jared and the accident, does
she?’

‘That’s
true.’

‘Why would you
want her and not me?’

‘Because she
wouldn’t humiliate me.’ I rubbed my upper arm a little then, ‘and
she would kiss me.’

‘I see.’ She
looked away.

‘So if I was
like her. You would be more agreeable.’

‘No. Because
you’d be tricking me.’

‘So does she
just dissolve into nothingness?’

‘Probably.
She’s resulting from a choice you never had the chance to make. I
looked at her squarely then; ‘perhaps it’s just as well I love a
dream woman. She will have to fade out… once the job is done.’

‘Does she
know?’

‘Yes.’

‘Oh.’

‘Have you
thought about what I said a moment ago?’

‘Of course. But
what’s in it for me?’

‘A clear
conscience; and hopefully, your brother back.’

‘And you’ll do
all of this for Love?’ a slight note of distain was there.

‘Yes…. And I
don’t care if I come back. In fact I’d rather not. Just once…. Just
once I can be the one who makes the right choice, and does it for
the right reasons.’

‘For what?
Love? That’s potty…’

‘I see,’ I
began to wonder where Alex kept the coffee; ‘You think I’m throwing
something away. But I’m not. I’ll be there one day in my pathetic
little job, and I’ll look out the sky and see a rain storm
gathering. And somewhere deep inside I’ll dream of another cloudy
place and someone who was only mine for one moment.’ I was goading
her now. Tormenting this other woman because she was my Janey’s
twin; ‘Then I’ll look away; and knuckle down. But maybe quit before
the year is out, to go back to Yorkshire. You understand me. But
you don’t want me to be that Noble because you think it’s all about
you.’

‘And isn’t
it?’

‘That’s for you
to decide.’ I had her cornered, and she knew it.

She stood up
and went into the front room then. I stayed in the chair, and even
with my aching arm; my heart was not so much a burden any more.

It was my last
night at home. I stood in my hallway looking at the pack and
satchel that contained the equipment George had already given me.
The satchel contained the med kit he had put together for me plus a
small case. He had left detailed instructions inside the black,
impact proof case. It contained three tags; all generic. It was
amazing how much this enterprise had inspired his creativity.
George had given it to me in a very matter of fact way, considering
that none of these would ever be used again after this, that’s if
they actually were returned to him. He had left half an hour ago.
And I stood in that strange time between one ending, and another
kind of beginning. But it wasn’t exactly a waiting room. In about
an hour Jules, Violette and Alex would be round. After what had
happened Jules and Violette couldn’t be seen anywhere near Main
Base without a very good reason. So they were determined to give me
a proper send off. Marcia was staying at George’s place. The
others, in typically conspiratorial manner wouldn’t say where they
would be, except that they would be helping George to smuggle me
and Marcia into Main Base, get us kitted up and “acquire” all the
equipment we needed. This including the all-terrain vehicle;
variously described as “space buggy”, “jelly mould”, and “that
dratted machine”, plus a few others that were unprintable. Truth be
told, we all owed more to that compact marvel than we knew.

At precisely
six my friends arrived. It was good to think that…. Friends. I
couldn’t remember a time when I felt so cared for and included. The
only burn on the surface of my tender skin was Janey. After the
Pantry incident, she had eventually calmed down to almost neutral.
She hadn’t spoken to me again. Jules had been apologised to, which
made some difference. I guessed rightly that she hadn’t really
changed her mind. George was quite forceful and had a fairly
intense conversation with her before we all left. Janey was gone
before we had chance to get into the hallway again. From my point
of view it was down to the shot of “version 47” that George just
happened to have stashed in a sturdy leather case. It was more or
less like the stuff the lads had put in me when we were in that
hole. I vegged out, all the tension dissipated. Sam and Kyle took
Marcia and most of the guys home. Violette and Jules hung around
with Alex discussing literature, and eventually what to do with me,
while I laid back in a semi-comatose state. In the end Alex dumped
me on the seat of his Land rover, and Jules and Violette left to
goodness knows where. I think Alex had realised that their obvious
happiness, much as I was glad for them, actually made it difficult
to keep my mind off Janey. Come to think of it Jules seemed more
than a little edgy in the presence of the other Janey even after Me
and then George had words with her. She was the flipside to the one
person he had a very good friendship with as well as professional
admiration for; he had talked to her in their professional capacity
an awful lot, and it had freaked him out. Jules was highly moral,
that much I knew. His comment early on about Hanson and Oliver was
indicative of a dislike for the authority of the unscientific
business world, with their emphasis on “results” rather than
“scientific proof”. I think he was thinking that this Janey had
turned to dark side, and we could all wake up in another reality
the next morning with our lives in a mundane but unsafe situation.
But perhaps it was the thought that he might lose some real
knowledge; his mind being wiped clean of all the things he had
gained. I saw that the temptation was there. After all, he was one
who really has suffered for his art. But he was reinvested now. And
this was par for the course. Jules wasn’t well, never really
fullyback to what he had once been, the bouts of depression I think
were quite debilitating. Without Violette’s care I think her
wouldn’t have recovered as well as he had done up to this point.
But despite all that, he was glad to have sacrificed something of
himself in order that science could find an answer by an honest
route. And of course the lovely Violette sealed the deal to
preserve what we had gained so far.