Sanctum (Guards of the Shadowlands, Book 1) (26 page)

“How are you feeling?” he asked warily.

“Embarrassed. I’m so sorry I freaked out like that.” I put my hands to my eyes to block out the flash of memory that jolted my brain.

Through my fingers, I watched Malachi’s hands rise from his knees and drop again, fists clenched. He seemed afraid to touch me without express invitation.

I reached out shakily and took his hand. I uncurled his fingers and laid his palm against mine. The contact was real and warm. It slowed my heartbeat to a manageable pace. I wanted more. I wanted to crawl inside him and hide.

“I fell off a cliff,” I whispered, then looked into his eyes. “I landed on the rocks. I remembered it when I saw that guy, how he…”

I leaned forward, breathing hard, burying my forehead against his knees and our hands. He put his arm around me, gathering me to him, then shifted and snaked his other arm under my knees. He carried me into the living room, holding me curled against his chest.

He sat down on the couch with me in his lap. I pressed my face against his neck, slowing my breathing by pacing it with his and focusing on the warmth of his hand as he laced his fingers with mine.

As the panic cleared, I laid my head on his shoulder and memorized the stark angles of his face, the high bridge of his nose, the ridge of his brow, the cut of his jaw. Without thinking too much about it, I skimmed my fingers over them. As soon
as my skin made contact with his, he closed his eyes and leaned into my hand.

“Malachi, what happened to the guy who jumped? You said you never know where you’ll end up if you die….”

He tilted his head and let my fingers slide through his hair. “I have no doubt he appeared back at the Suicide Gates. Suicide is never the escape it seems. If you kill yourself, you will appear at the entrance to the city and be led right back in. There are a few citizens who are chronically recycled, who are so absorbed in their issues that they don’t notice they never end up anyplace new; the Gate Guards recognize them as they shuffle through. They have to start all over again.”

“Ana told me the Mazikin get a chance to start over, too, when you kill them. There’s no way to get rid of them permanently?”

Malachi took my other hand and placed it on his neck, over the scar from his last battle with Juri. “I don’t think it will happen on my watch. The only way to keep them all away permanently is to make sure not a single one of them is left in the city. As long as one remains, they can bring others in. We have set fire to dozens of Mazikin nests in the last several decades, but at least one of the Mazikin always seems to escape.” His quiet laugh was saturated with sadness. “Maybe they’ve figured out all my tricks.”

I wrapped my arm over his chest and squeezed. He’d fought so hard for so many years. And after all that, he felt like he had
failed. Like he was leaving the job unfinished. But that wasn’t fair. Obviously Mazikin had been in the city for a very long time, possessing the bodies of suicides. Easy victims, Ana had called them. But then a thought occurred to me. “Hey, you said Mazikin never make it through the dark tower. How come you don’t just dump them in there?”

He pressed my hand to his side, like he needed me closer. “That’s exactly what the Guards did for years. Until, many years ago, I was interrogating a Mazikin, and she admitted to me that killing the possessed body frees the human soul from the Mazikin realm. So what if trapping the Mazikin forever in the dark tower also traps the human soul in the Mazikin realm? Damned to slavery and suffering for eternity? I couldn’t imagine allowing that when there was a way to stop it. Not everyone agreed, though. I argued about it with Takeshi for years, but he would not stop the practice. But after he…died…I was in charge. I forbade the Guards to send Mazikin to the tower.”

He gave me a wry look. “They still do, of course. I punish them if I catch them, but I cannot be everywhere at once. But that’s why I never leave a Mazikin alive. What if I can release that human soul to go wherever it needs to go next?”

“Wouldn’t that mean the soul just comes back here?”

He shook his head. “Not always. It depends on the person, on the progress they’ve made wherever they are.” He paused, and when he spoke again, it was in a dry, strangled voice. “Lela,
if you don’t go before the Judge soon,
you
will die. Do you understand that?”

“Where will I go then?”

“You might end up back at the Suicide Gates if you let yourself die, but you wouldn’t be the same as you are now. You would belong to the city—you would be one of the suicides. I suppose you could end up in the Countryside. Or you could go somewhere else. There is no way of knowing.”

I don’t want to go somewhere else. I want to stay with you
.

The thought was so startling in its strength and truth that I jerked in surprise.

“What is it?” He looked like he thought he had crossed another line and widened the span of his arms, releasing me.

“Don’t.” I pulled his arms back around me. His eyes asked question after question, begging for answers. I didn’t have any. I only had questions of my own. “Will you force me out of the city?”

He shook his head firmly. “I will never force you to do anything, I promise. I won’t make that mistake again. But short of that, I will do whatever I can to get you out safely. Whatever is necessary.”

“Ana thinks you’re neglecting your other duties.”

His expression hardened. “Ana and I work together very well, and I respect her immensely, but we do not always agree.”

“I don’t feel good about pulling you away from whatever you should be doing.”

He grazed my cheek with the backs of his fingers. “Then don’t worry. This is what I should be doing.”

I shivered at his touch and laughed. “
This
is what you should be doing? Right now?”

Uncertainty drew his hand back, but then he read my playful look. “Yes. And maybe this.” He skimmed a finger from my temple to the base of my neck. He smiled as I shivered again, and his eyes lit on my mouth.

Control be damned. I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to drown in him, forget about everything, and never resurface.

Malachi looked into my eyes, checking in with me. He took a breath and moved closer, until his lips were just over mine. “And also, thi—”

The apartment door burst open, and both of us jumped to our feet. Malachi instinctively dove for a weapon. I crouched low, startled out of my mind, nerves jangling. We didn’t have time to relax when we saw it was Ana, because she immediately started barking at us.

“Malachi, you are not going to believe this. I’m pretty damn sure I just found the Mazikin nest, and it’s only six blocks to the northwest.”

Malachi jammed his half-drawn scimitar back into its sheath. “How can you be certain?”

Ana cocked her head at him. “Boy, I
have
been around for a while. How many of these things have we cleared out? The building looks abandoned, but there’s activity in the basement.
I hid in a
Dumpster
,” she said, narrowing her eyes at Malachi, “so Michael’s going to have to make me some new armor because that smell never comes out. You
will
back me up on that one. Anyway, I watched the building. This is it, baby. I saw a whole group go in—one of them had a Guard scimitar at his belt. And there was an old one with them.”

I shuddered at the memory of Doris and her creepy four-legged lope.

Malachi stepped forward, totally focused on Ana. “Did you see Ibram or Sil?”

“No. And they weren’t inside, either. I could see in through one of the windows.”

“Do you know how many are in there?”

“A few dozen, but—” Ana gave me a very strange look. “Lela, would you excuse us?”

“What? Oh. Sure.” I headed for the bedroom, still completely short-circuited by Malachi’s almost-kiss.

He held out his hand to stop me. “Hold on. Ana, you can say whatever you have to say in front of Lela. This is her mission, too.”

Ana clenched her teeth as she glared at Malachi. “Fine. But you’re going to be sorry you said that.” She turned to me and pointed to my tattoo. “I think I found your girl.”

My jaw dropped. Hope and overwhelming fear swamped all my thought processes.

“Where?” I could barely get the word out.

Ana looked back at Malachi. “I’m pretty sure she was in the group of recruits I saw enter the building.”

“You mean she’s been possessed?” Tears welled in my eyes. This could not be happening. Not after all my hard work to reach her.

“No, not yet. She was crying. Mazikin are usually freakishly cheerful unless they’re under attack, so she’s obviously still herself.”

Malachi and Ana stared at each other. “Options,” said Malachi.

“Full frontal assault,” Ana replied. “We’ll draw a platoon of Guards from the nearest outpost and go in hard.”

Malachi shook his head sharply. “Two problems with that. First, the nearest outpost is thirty blocks to the north. We don’t have time to go there, summon them, wait for them to gear up, and bring them back. That would take all night. And second: direct assault is too dangerous for Nadia. If she’s killed, she’ll probably come back through the Suicide Gates, but we wouldn’t have time to get word to the Gate Guards—they’re at least two days away. She’d get lost in the city and we’d never find her again. Other options.”

“None.” Ana massaged a knot in her shoulder. “If we try to sneak in, they’d recognize you in an instant, and probably me as well. And the building’s tight. I checked the first floor. They’ve sealed all but one street-level entrance to the basement. Ducts, too.”

I let out the breath I’d been holding. “I’m going in.”

Malachi whirled around, eyes wide. “No, you’re not.”

I took a step back at the fierce expression on his face. “I have to. If I don’t, they’ll take her, possess her. Didn’t you
just
tell me the souls they possess go to a place more hellish than here? I need to go in there and get her out.”

He shook his head again. “No. We’ll handle this. You will not. How can you even suggest—”

“Are you serious?” I snarled. “You know that’s the only reason I’m here, right?” Malachi’s gaze dropped to his feet. “Besides, based on your ‘options,’ it sounds like I’m the
only
one who can go in. I can let them recruit me. And Ana, you said they like ones like me, so I can—”

“Lela.” His voice was rock hard, daring me to argue. “If you go in there, the odds are good you will
not
come out. There are dozens of Mazikin in that basement. We won’t be able to stop them if they try to hurt you. If they try to possess you. There has to be another way.”

I met his eyes defiantly. “I’m not helpless. And if you back me up, I could get her out.”

I turned and walked into the bedroom, unable to look at him anymore. I began rifling through the chest of drawers. Ana came in and started to rummage through the closet, tossing various weapons and boxes onto the cot. Malachi followed but stopped at the doorway.

“What are you doing?” he asked.

“I’m finding civilian clothes.” My hands shook as I dug through the musty garments.

“I won’t let you do this,” he said flatly.

I walked toward him, one hand on my hip, one finger up and waving. “Excuse me? Were you here a minute ago when you promised not to force me to do anything? Did I miss the fine print that said you were
lying
?”

“You’re not even supposed to be here!” he yelled as he closed the distance between us. “I promised to help you find her, not to help you get killed!”

“I’m going to get her out of there! I will
not
turn my back on her again!”
And I will not let you go on a suicide mission
.

His palms shot out and hit the chest of drawers on either side of me, trapping me in the cage of his arms. He leaned over me, right in my face. “This is insane! What makes you so sure you’re the solution to this problem?”

“Because this is the best of all your suck-ass options!”

His voice shook me all the way to my bones. “Why are you so willing to throw yourself away? Are you worth
nothing
? How can you—”

I clapped my hand over his mouth. I needed him to shut up. But the warmth of his skin—it made me want to cry. I ducked under his arm and backed off, hands in the air. I had to disconnect before I exploded. I couldn’t stand the look on his face. It enraged me and tore my heart out all at the same time.

“I’m not going to argue with you, Malachi. This is a done deal.”

“I can’t. I can’t help you do this.” He shook his head, eyes casting around the room, looking everywhere but at my face.

“This is the best and safest plan to get her out.”

“Not for you.” His face twisted into an agonized grimace as he raked his fingers through his hair. “I can’t do this.”

He turned on his heel and stalked out of the apartment.

I STARED AT THE
door he’d just slammed. I hadn’t expected him to be thrilled with my plan, but I hadn’t expected him to freak out, either.

My mouth opened and closed a few times as I turned to Ana, who shook her head. “I had a feeling this would happen. You’re asking a lot from Malachi.”

“I’m just asking him to go with a less risky plan. I can’t let you guys go in there to get killed when there’s a possibility I could get her out.”

“Less risky? That’s not how he sees it. Malachi will risk his own life in a second. He does that every day, and today he has more reason than ever. But risk you? That’s almost impossible for him. He’s let himself care for you, Lela, and he’s having
trouble dealing with it. You and your plan just hit every button he has.”

“I don’t understand. You
know
this is better, Ana. You know I have the best chance to get her out, right?”

She sighed. “I do.”

“Malachi’s not stupid. He understands that, too. I know he does.”

Ana walked over to her pile of gear. “Of course he does. But remember—things aren’t adding up for him like they did before. It’s not all cold calculation, not when you’re involved. In fact, I can guarantee you he’s only thinking about one thing right now. He thinks you’re about to make his worst fear come true. Again.”