Sanctum (7 page)

His handsome face contorted in confusion. “What relationship were you in? My brothers talk about that time as the lost year because I did nothing but work and be with you. They miss you, by the way. They made it very clear to me that I was a moron for letting you go.”

“You didn’t let me go, Ryan. You pushed me off on another man.” Even thinking about it threatened to enrage her.

A grim look came over his face, and he sat down beside her, leaving plenty of space between them as though he was afraid to frighten her off. “I thought I was doing what was best for you. I promised to take care of you, and that day I had just gotten word that I might have been going to prison.”

“What?” She forced her hands into her lap because her first instinct had been to reach for him.

“I put everything I had into Church Software Development,” he said, the words quiet but sure. “But I couldn’t do it all myself. I needed a CFO. I trusted the wrong man. He embezzled hundreds of thousands of dollars from me, but worse than that, he took investment money that I didn’t know about. He defrauded investors in my name. They decided that since he’d skipped the country, they would come after me. At that point, the DA hadn’t made a decision on whether or not I was involved. The day I asked Keith to take care of you, I thought I might be going to prison and I couldn’t involve you in that.”

Her head was reeling. “I had no idea.”

“I didn’t want you to know.” He leaned forward, his hand coming up as though reaching out for her. He stopped himself and forced his hand back into his pocket. “Baby, you have to forgive me. I wanted what was best for you. I had to let you go. It nearly killed me to watch you get into that car.”

It hadn’t hurt him enough to not do it. Even as his explanation rang in her ears, she found a deeper hurt. He had cared for her in his own way. Somehow it had almost been easier when she’d thought he’d viewed her as an easy companion and nothing more. But if he’d really loved her and he’d still sent her away, that was even worse. But they had to find some closure. Neither of them could go on like this forever. “I forgive you.”

“You do?”

She had to. He’d thought he was doing the right thing. They just had two completely different versions of how a relationship should work. “I do. I understand why you did it.”

He crossed the space between them in an instant. Before she could protest, she was in his arms. He pulled her hard against his chest, his fingers going straight for her hair. “God, you have no idea how long I’ve wanted to hear you say that. Baby, I’ve missed you so much.”

His lips were against hers. Sweet intimacy. It had been so long since she’d had the comfort and solace of a body against her own. His fingers tangled in her hair, pulling her head back gently as his tongue played against her lips until she couldn’t handle it and she invited him in. Everything inside her responded to him. Her nipples hardened. Her muscles softened. Her pussy got wet, aching. She felt her arms drifting up around his shoulders, holding on to him.

His tongue surged in, dominating hers in a silky dance. Over and over he took her mouth as his hands clutched her like he would never let her go.

But he had. The memory sparked through her brain.
Ryan walking into their bedroom. At the beginning of their relationship, she’d had her own room, but that had lasted about two weeks before that fine suite was nothing but a closet and she spent every night in his bed. Once he’d worked late and she’d gotten into her own bed because she had a cold and didn’t want to disturb him. She’d woken up to him carrying her into their bed and setting up a humidifier, and he’d gotten the cold two days later and she’d had to take care of him. How could he walk into their bedroom and calmly tell her that now she belonged to someone else?

She pushed at his chest. She couldn’t do it again. She could never sit there like a hollowed-out doll while he tossed her away. “No.”

Ryan’s hands still held her as though he was afraid of letting go. “Jillian, baby, you said you forgave me.”

And like the predator he was, he’d sensed weakness and gone straight for the kill. “I forgave you. I didn’t say I wanted to be with you again. Let me go.”

His eyes ran the length of her body. “Do you think I can’t feel how aroused you are? Do you think I don’t know the signs? Your nipples are hard, your eyes sleepy. You were sinking your fingers into my flesh and rubbing yourself against me. How can you say you don’t want me?”

“Oh, you did a great job teaching me how good sex could be so, yeah, I responded, but that doesn’t mean that I want to get involved with you again. Please let me go.” She hated how breathy her voice sounded. She didn’t sound confident, very likely because she wasn’t. It would be so easy to let Ryan take over. She wouldn’t have to worry about anything for a while. He really would take charge.

And she would get dependent on him and when the bad times rolled around, he would foist her off on someone else because it was fine for him to take care of her, just not the other way around.

How could he really love her if he didn’t want her standing beside him when times got rough? Because they damn straight would.

Slowly, he released her, his eyes boring into hers. “I love you, Jillian.”

Just not enough. “I can’t be with you again, Ryan.”

He leaned back. “You’re scared. I’m not going to do that to you again. I’ve learned my lesson. I was arrogant and foolish, but you were wrong too.”

“How the hell was I wrong?”

“God, I wish I still had the right to spank you. How were you wrong? You failed to do the one thing you promised.”

What was he talking about? “I was practically the perfect submissive. I was everything you needed me to be.”

He shook his head. “No. I needed you to be honest. If I didn’t give you the chance to stand by me, then you did the same thing to me. You didn’t tell me what you really needed.”

Yes, because that would have been so easy. “And if I’d told you I needed you to marry me? If I’d told you I needed to have an equal say in our lives?”

His voice was steady as he spoke and he looked straight into her eyes. “Anywhere but the bedroom and we could negotiate. Hell, even there, I’m open.”

Sweet words. “Maybe now, but then?”

“I don’t know,” Ryan said with a long sigh. “I was a different person then, but so were you, and we owe it to each other to try again. Jillian, I’ve never felt for any other woman the way I feel for you. I’ve regretted failing you for a year and a half. It’s eaten away at me. I love you. I made a mistake, but you’re making one, too, if you don’t give it a second chance. Can you honestly say you haven’t missed me?”

Only every minute of every single day. “It doesn’t matter. I can’t trust you again.”

“I can earn your trust back.” Ryan reached out again, but he only touched her shoulder. “We’ll take things slowly. Have lunch with me. Once a week. Just give me one hour out of the week and we’ll talk. No pressure. No expectations.”

And she would fall for it all over again. No. She wasn’t going to do this again. She wasn’t going to let him screw her over. She’d been so pathetic, just nodding and getting her suitcase. She should have turned on him. She should have told him exactly how she felt. Angry. Just like she did now, except she wasn’t such a disgusting little wimp now. “I have zero interest in seeing you again, Ryan. There is no way I would ever go back to the type of relationship we had back then. I can forgive you because I realize that you’re just not capable of actual love. You’re hollow on the inside. You’re lovely to look at, but you’re not man enough for me. So you can take your lunches and waste some other sub’s time. I’m looking for someone I can actually rely on.”

The minute she finished, she wished she could call the words back. His eyebrow ticked above his eye and he’d gone pale.

He looked away from her for a moment and his eyes were haunted when he finally looked back. “I still think you should let me help you. I have some money saved up. I can get you and your sister into a better place.”

And then she would be in his debt. “I think you should leave, Ryan.”

The yelling outside was getting louder. It seemed like the couple down the hall had moved their violent argument into the hallway.

“I can’t leave you here. You can hate me all you like, Jillian, but I still love you. I’ll honor your desires, I really will. I’ll be polite at work and I won’t make anything uncomfortable for you, but you can’t expect me to walk away knowing how dangerous it is here.”

A female scream punctuated his words, and Ryan had his phone in hand. “You get into the back bedroom. I’m calling the police.”

He couldn’t possibly know that this was just a regular Friday night for those two. She’d done the best she could, and he was making her feel like she couldn’t handle it. She’d had to handle it because he’d shoved her out.

“Don’t tell me what to do, Ryan. I’m in charge of this household.” She strode to the door, throwing it open. The minute she did, she realized that of all the mistakes she’d made this evening, this was the worst.

“You want to cheat on me?” A man with stringy hair was holding a knife, pointing it at his wife. “I’ll kill you, bitch. You don’t have the nerve to shoot me.”

“Jillian!” Ryan reached for her arm, but it was too late.

The woman in the hallway closed her eyes and pulled the trigger, but her aim was off and Jill was shocked by the pain that tore through her.

“Oh, fuck.” Ryan scooped her up, but the damage was done.

She saw blood and her vision dimmed, and she wished she had one more moment. Just one.

The world went black.

Ryan paced the floor. Every squeak and thud of his shoes sounded like thunder in his head. It was too quiet, but then there was almost no one in the surgical waiting room. It seemed it was a slow night for gunshot victims.

God, she’d been shot. She’d opened her door and someone had fucking shot her, and she was only in that apartment because he’d been stupid enough to let her go. He’d thought he was saving her, and now she could be dying.

“Any word?” Ashley walked back in, her little girl in her arms. She’d stepped out to change her, but now the baby was quietly content, sucking on her fist.

Would Jillian still be able to have babies?

He shook his head. How long did it take?

“You love her,” Ashley said.

“Yes, I do, but I screwed up, and now I have to deal with that.”

“I don’t know. The way I heard it she kind of screwed up too. Sorry, there’s really no privacy in that apartment. I’m afraid I heard everything. Jill and I weren’t close back when she first lived here. She kind of disappeared for a while.”

“She always talked about you.”

Ashley bounced a little as she talked, a rhythm that seemed to soothe the baby. “Yeah, but she rarely called, and when she did, she was very evasive about what she was doing. I think she didn’t want anyone to know what kind of relationship she was involved in. Jill was always very assertive. I knew she was playing around with clubs and stuff. I always assumed it was just a kinky sex thing, but she was different around you, wasn’t she?”

He felt so fucking old. He felt every one of his thirty-eight years. “Do you want to know what bugged me the most about Jillian when we were together? I can’t even believe I’m saying this now, but it’s true. She was too submissive for my tastes, but I was in love with her and I thought I could gradually change that. I lost myself in the sex for a while. And then she was just so bright and smart that I convinced myself I could handle being her Dom for the rest of our lives. I could take care of her. And then I couldn’t and I was so scared of really failing her that I ruined everything. She wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for me.”

And that guilt burned through him.

“I don’t know,” Ashley argued. “It seems like she should have said something. She could have fought. I know I did. I fought like a demon bitch from hell when my boyfriend decided to walk out on me. It didn’t work, but I still would have done it. If I had to do it again, even though I looked like a fool, I would have tried. He was just more scared of becoming his father than he was in love with me. But I gave him the choice. Neither one of you did the same.”

He could see it plainly now. He’d been wrapped in his own misery, in self-loathing, but he’d owed her the choice then. He’d given it to her now, and she’d made herself clear. He couldn’t force her to come back to him. The only thing he could do now was try to make sure her life was easier. “I would very much like to move the three of you out of that complex.”

Ashley patted her baby’s back. “Oh, that is absolutely going to happen, Mr. Church. I am taking you up on that, and I am deeply appreciative.”

“She seemed very against the idea.”

“Then she shouldn’t have gotten her ass shot and left me here to make the decisions. We will accept any help you can give us. I love my sister, but I have to think about Emily. If Jill won’t come with us because she’s too stubborn, then I have to make it work, but I can’t have my baby there anymore. As soon as I find some day care, I’ll get a job.”

“Or you could go to school and get a real job,” Ryan suggested. “Like I said, I have some money now. Consider it a scholarship fund.”

“‘Ryan Church’s Scholarships for Wayward Girls, huh?” She had a sheen of tears in her eyes. God, at least he could help one of the Paxon sisters.

“I don’t know. Wayward seems to imply a mistake. She’s too cute to be a mistake.” He reached out and touched Emily’s head. If this was the only way he could help Jillian, then so be it.

He was deeply surprised to find his arms full of two Paxon women. Ashley wrapped her free arm around him and started crying. Emily was cuddled between them, her slobbery hand pulling at Ryan’s suit coat, but it didn’t matter.

He found himself patting Ashley on the back when the doctor walked in.

“Ashley, he’s here.” He was actually quite pleased to not be standing there alone. Somehow being there with Ashley, someone who loved Jillian, made him feel stronger.

“How is she?” Ashley asked.

The doctor smiled. “She’s lucky. The bullet didn’t hit anything of importance. She’ll be up and about the day after tomorrow, but I don’t want her to work for at least four weeks to give her time to completely heal. I need someone to talk to admitting though. Apparently her insurance hasn’t kicked in yet. They’ll want to send her home as soon as possible, and I think she could use a couple of nights here.”