Sanctuary of Mine (7 page)

Tyler

I’m jealous as all get out. Here I was about to ask Mackenzie out on a date, when prince charming rides in on his ‘horse’ and whisks her away. He’s a much older prince charming – although he doesn’t look old enough to be her dad. In fact, I’m honest enough to admit he makes me feel a little insecure. He’s all about the chiselled jaw and thick head of wavy hair. The show of love etched on his face has me itching to find out how he knows Mackenzie. I catch sight of Levi and hurry to catch him as he walks towards the bus line.

‘Hey, Levi … Wait up!’ He stops and smiles, patiently waiting for me to catch up with him. ‘Hey man, you got a sec?’

‘Sure, what’s up?’

‘I ah, I was just wondering, have you seen Mackenzie this afternoon?’

‘Yeah, she just left.’

‘I know this is going to sound weird, but –‘

‘It’s her dad.’

‘Who?’ He grins at me, knowing full well we both
know who he’s talking about. I mean, we both know that’s why I’m here, right?

‘The man she left with, it’s her dad.’ Relief sweeps through me, instantly returning my heart to a slower pace of normal.

‘Oh, that’s great,’ I babble. He pats my shoulder before walking off towards the line of students waiting to get on his bus. I watch as he follows the line forward. Just before he climbs aboard, he turns and offers me one last knowing smile. Shit, I hope he keeps his mouth shut about this. Feeling self-conscious, I quickly look around to see if anyone else was taking note of our interaction. Leaning against the corner of the school building, Benson’s eyes connect with mine. Very slowly he starts shaking his head before walking off to the car park.

Ahh, hell. Pretty soon the whole school is going to know about my crush on Mackenzie. I guess the gossip had to start sooner or later. Squaring my shoulders, I head for my car. People can talk all they like. They’d just better be prepared to face me off if I hear one single ugly word.

Mackenzie

Hearing them yelling at each other brings back a flood of memories. This time Jim is in on the action as well, throwing his two cents in for whoever will listen. The carpet in my bedroom is doing nothing to muffle the shouts in the kitchen. What was supposed to be a happy reunion with my dad is fast becoming a chaotic mess of hateful swearing and accusatory finger pointing. Our milkshake date had gone just fine, with him getting a chance to tell me about his most recent deployment. It was my absence while freshening up before dinner that opened up the floodgate, my dad seizing the opportunity to let loose on my mother.

Their conversation stings. It makes me realise I’m not as good at concealing my disease as I thought.

‘Are you fucking blind? How can you not see how skinny she is!’

‘I see, Chris, but she’s a teenager. Between work and running this family there’s only so much I can do to keep an eye on her. I can’t keep her locked up forever you know!’

‘Well you could damn well be doing a lot more than you have been!’ Dad’s furious tone echoes through the house.

‘We do try to force food on her mate. But I think it’s a little more than that, don’t you?’ Jim is trying to be the peacemaker.

‘Do you think she’s not happy here with you?’

‘Of course she is!’ My mother seems indignant to say the least.

‘All I’m saying is that she must miss you while you’re gone so long. I don’t think your divorce has been easy on Mackenzie at all.’

‘Well that makes two of us,’ snaps dad.

There’s silence amongst the torrent of words, neither party sure what to say next. Hearing my parents arguing over me, I know I can’t do this anymore. I can’t hide how I feel, nor conceal the hatred I feel towards my own mother. The truth needs to come out. Brushing tears from my cheeks, I take a deep breath and make my way downstairs towards the kitchen.

Three sets of eyes are glued to my tiny frame when I enter the silence that has greeted my arrival. Anger emanates from my dad, while the other two are clearly in defence mode. I’m about to make or break this family with my confession, but either way, it needs to be said.

‘I heard you.’ All of my focus in on my mother.

‘Talking about your weight?’

‘No. Well yes, that too. You’re right; I do have an eating disorder. It’s the only way I know how to cope. But that’s not what I’m talking about.’

‘What do you mean honey?’ My dad is gently stroking my arm and I am lulled into a trance like state – a bit like a snake as it sways before it strikes. I know I’m speaking in monotone but
, to be honest, if I let myself feel anything right now I’m going to come apart at the seams.

‘I’m talking about your argument before you got divorced.’ Nobody says anything, but I’m sure my mum just turned ten shades whiter.

‘You thought I was asleep. You thought I couldn’t hear you. You thought you were alone when you said it.’ My voice catches ever so slightly, the threat of hysteria ready to break the dam wall any minute.

‘Say what honey? What did she say?’ My dad obviously knows I am talking to my mother, because my vacant eyes can only stare in her direction, devoid of love or emotion.

‘She said she wished I was never born.’ It’s almost like I didn’t say it. Almost. But I am confident the whisper of words definitely left my lips. The look on her face tells me so. Her hand flies to her mouth to cover her shock. She’s mortified and remorseful, but it matters none to me. My lip trembles and I start to shake, adrenalin taking over.

‘You said that, I heard you,’ I choke, a sob escaping my lips.

Jim shakes his head in disgust and leaves the room. My dad reaches for me, so I let him hold me tight while I’m wracked with sobs that consume me. I’m scaring myself with the amount of tears that are flooding out of my eyes, but I know it is time to let go. My mum is glued to the spot, horror emblazoned across her features as my dad guides me out of the kitchen so that he can take me to my room. She doesn’t move. She doesn’t say anything.

There has to be something cathartic in baring your soul, because despite the fact I’m crying, I think it is more in relief than anything else. This secret I’ve been keeping, this disease I’ve been fighting, I’m glad it’s out in the open. Maybe now I can start to heal.

Mackenzie

‘So, how’d it go?’

‘Fine.’

‘Fine as in good, or fine as in bad?’

‘Bad. I had to listen to her crying for the whole hour. I couldn’t even see the point in going.’

‘It’ll get better, you know. Think of it as a marathon, not a sprint. It’s going to take time before you can heal your relationship with your mum.’ Levi is right. Sometimes I’m amazed that a teenage boy has such wisdom, but I suppose it comes from experience.

I nod, happy to let the subject drop. Today was my first session with my therapist, although having my mum come with me and spill her guts wasn’t on my agenda. It wasn’t all bad, but she’s going to need to do a lot more than shed a few tears to even begin to close the distance that has wedged itself between us over the last few years.

To get my mind off her, I’ve convinced Levi to accompany me to our school’s first football game of the term. Of course Tyler is going to be here. But that’s not the point.
Okay, yes it is!
The last few weeks have been hell, and yet, the lingering memory of his lips on mine does little to satiate the need for his kiss. Damn him! Somehow he’s tricked me into becoming like every other teenage floosy who swoons like an idiot every time a cute boy crosses their path. Obviously I am as vulnerable to his charms as they are. Either that or I can only conclude that my body has been taken over by aliens. To be honest, I think I like that theory better.

September still has a chill in the air, so I snuggle close to Levi for warmth, not giving a damn what people will say. His extra padding is clearly my advantage. The game is due to start at five, although the stands are already starting to fill up. Most of the guys from our school play for South Sydney on the weekends, so most of the community come out to support them when they have a school game on. Like any testosterone filled sports, these guys have cheerleaders too.

I’m convinced I have a love hate relationship with cheerleaders. On the one hand I can’t help but see them as blonde bimbos who wouldn’t know the arse of a dog from its face. On the other hand, they are pretty, graceful and
athletic
! They look powerful and fit as they practice their routine. There’s a teeny tiny part of me that wants to be a part of that crowd. To be admired by my peers and desired by all the cute boys. The other part of me wants to run screaming from the field, warning the world that there is more to life than flashing a bit of skin. I have brains, you know.
Sure, that’s why you’ve fallen for the hottest guy in school.

There’s still light in the sky as the footballers gather on the field. For some inexplicable reason, Tyler is the only one I see. There’s no way he can place me amongst the crowd, or even know that I am here. That just makes it a hell of a lot easier to perv on him without being caught.

‘He’s easy on the eye, huh?’ Levi jabs me in the ribs as he says this.

‘You got that right.’ I go back to my perv fest. The visiting players from Bankstown and the referees join South Sydney High’s team on the field. Compared to the pretty boys our team seems to be packing, Bankstown look like a bunch of criminals. Despite laws stating you can’t get a tattoo legally before the age of eighteen, some of them proudly wear ink on their arms. It seems to add standing to their social status in their eyes. They parade the field as though they own it.

The refs gather the players, ready to unleash them against each other. This sport isn’t for pussies. There are no helmets or protective gear. The players’ only padding is the bulk of muscles or fat their bodies carry. You get hurt out here you suck it up and play on.
Providing they don’t kill you, that is. There was an incident only a few weeks ago where a fifteen year old boy died after a freak accident while playing rugby league. While in the minority, it still makes you question the sanity of playing without protective gear. You watch the games on the television and you see league players being dumped on their heads all the time. I’m surprised there aren’t more broken necks.

The lights on the football field come on and the game starts. There’s definitely something more impressive about watching it live. The atmosphere of the crowd, coupled with the charged energy of the players makes for interesting viewing. Tyler looks pumped. He’s a prop due to his size and strength. His team depend on him to defend against the opposition’s forwards. When he uses his body like a battering ram to gain metres on the field, it looks like the person on the receiving end of his muscle is in a world of pain.

By half time, our school team is in front by fourteen points. It’s going to take a lot of work if the visiting team has any chance of catching us now. When the whistle blows for the game to resume, I’m on the edge of my seat. I’m not normally a nail biter, but tonight my fingernails are getting a work over.

With only ten minutes left of the game, disaster strikes. Tyler just got tackled by the opposition’s hooker right at the edge of the field where our seats are. The crowd’s audible groan does nothing to calm my fears. He’s on the ground and not moving. A medic rushes to him, the coach just steps behind. The silence is deafening as the crowd waits for the verdict. The beefcake who just did the tackling stands smugly to the side. His sneer is visible, even from where I’m sitting.

The referee issues the offending hooker a penalty and a warning. The ‘boos’ that erupt from the Bankstown supporters flow like a Mexican wave around the stands. I’m still on the edge of my seat, waiting to see what’s happened to Tyler. It shocks and scares me to think about how much I truly care about him. A sickening feeling washes over me as I pray it’s nothing serious.

With an eruption of applause, he’s helped to his feet by the medics. It seems as though he has shaken off the brutal tackle and is ready to get back into the game. A confident smile is plastered on his face. Before he heads back onto the field his eyes dance across the spectators before they lock with mine. My breath sucks in instantly and my heart stutters. I’m afforded a wave before he trots off to join his team mates in the final minutes of the game. If I hadn’t been sitting down, I’m sure I would have gone all weak-kneed and fallen over.
How does he do that?

Needless to say, our school team wins. The players are not without injury or bruises, but they have survived to play another game. The horn blows at time. Students from South Sydney erupt in a victory chant so loud they’re drowning out the cheer squad on the field. The boys are hustled off the field to hit the showers by the coach, but Tyler breaks away from the pack and quickly trots across the field towards where Levi and I are sitting.

I squeeze Levi’s hand. ‘Oh. My. God!’ I hiss.

‘Just be cool,’ he whispers back, obviously seeing the cause of my anxiety. Tyler reaches the barrier fencing and motions for me to come down and join him.

‘You come too,’ I beg Levi quietly.

‘Oh sure, there’s no way I’m going to miss this,’ he says excitedly.

We trot down the stairs to the ground level and make our way through the dispersing crowd to where Tyler is patiently waiting. His hair has been cropped, the gleam of sweat showing through the spiky buzz cut. I try not to stare at the small amount of stubble that he’s let grow along his jaw line, or the heaving of his chest muscles as he breathes in and out. What does hold my attention is
his incredible blue eyes. Those eyes do it to me every time. He allows a brief glance at Levi before grinning ridiculously at me.

‘Hey Mack, I didn’t know you were coming to the game tonight.’

‘Yeah, it
was kind of a spur of the moment decision,’ I say lying, knowing full well Levi and I had been planning on coming all week.

‘Have you got a ride home?’ he asks hopefully.

‘No, she doesn’t,’ Levi interjects before I can even open my mouth.

‘Well
, that’s settled then. Give me five minutes so I can go shower and I’ll meet you in the front parking lot.’ My blush does nothing to hide my embarrassment as Tyler winks at me and jogs off to join his team mates in the showers.

My brain is already thinking of hot soapy water and his hard muscled body.

‘Levi?’

‘Yeah?’ he says, staring after Tyler just as wistfully as I am.

‘Slap me will you.’

‘Why? You just earned yourself a lift with the hottest jock in school.’

‘Sure, no thanks to you.’

‘You aren’t seriously complaining, are you?’

‘No …’ I’m hesitant and he gives me the once over.

‘Just what are you afraid of?’

‘That he’s going to take my heart and stomp all over it when he’s done with it.’

‘Are you fricking kidding me? And here I was thinking I was supposed to be the drama queen! Just go and have fun. Who knows, you may even have sex!’

‘Levi! I’m so not like that!’

‘Just teasing,’ he offers, holding up his arms in defence. ‘But seriously, I wouldn’t mind trading places with you.’ With a statement like that, there is no doubt in my mind that Levi is gay. And crushing a little on Tyler, I might add.

With my hands on my hips I smirk at him. ‘There is no way in hell I’m trading places with you. I’m just going to pull up my big-girl panties and be brave,’ I sniff indignantly.

‘That’s the spirit,’ Levi laughs as we make our way through the crowd to the parking lot.