Sanctuary of Mine (16 page)

Tyler

The first televised game of the season and my insides are mush. I’ve never been more nervous of anything in my entire life. My whole extended ‘family’ are going to be here. Dating Mackenzie, I’ve gained way more than I ever thought I would. Her family is my family. Her friends are my friends. Anything and everything that she loves and holds dear to her heart means just as much to me as it does to her. Her father and his fiancé, her mum and Jim, Levi and Jonas – they’re all going to be here. My parents arrived last night, having decided to come
home for the weekend. It’s a big deal for them to see their son make his debut. The only thing that could have made this night even more special would have been to have Kelly here. But I try not to dwell on that. I need my head in the game and the only thing that brings me peace is to think that she is here with me in spirit.

A couple of times I’ve sneaked out of the locker room, just so I can stand in awe at the end of the bunker room and gaze at the crowd. I’m still in denial that I’m actually going to be a part of history. A part of my hometown’s history. Tonight I feel like everything I’ve asked for out of life is finally being realised.

‘Tyler!’ I turn around to see Mick grinning at me.

‘Yeah?’

‘Surreal isn’t it?’ he says, gazing at the crowd in the stadium.

‘It is.’

‘I hate to burst your bubble, but you need to get back to the locker room. I want to give you guys a run-down before we head out there.’

‘Coming.’ I take one last look outside, comforted by the fact
that somewhere amongst the sea of faces is Mack.

The locker room is filled with testosterone and sweaty pumped up men. We’re all keen to get out there and show just how far our team has come in the last year. We want to be a side to be reckoned with. This year, we want to make it all the way to finals. Coach delivers his play for the game and gives us his last minute instructions and encouragement. I’m pumped. This is what I was born to do. I’m ready.

Heading out of the locker room and up towards the field, my chest swells with pride. As team mates file out onto the field in front of me, I pick up my pace and jog out with them. The crowd goes wild for our side. The stadium is huge and all our home-grown supporters are out in force. The fans that fill the bleachers closest to where we come onto the field are cheering and yelling at us.

‘Go the Bunnies!’ roars the crowd. I’m in heaven. Seriously, I feel like a superstar.

The refs start play and we’re right on schedule for our kick off with the Bulldogs. Even though my nerves quickly abandon me, playing a televised game is nothing like practice. The lights, the sounds, the noise, it’s all just so
real.
Of course the players are bigger, faster and meaner too. There are no light touches or hands off approach. By first half we are ahead by four points but are down two players due to injury. We swap them out with reserves and play on. Our side gets pulled up twice for being off-side which ends up letting the Dogs score another try. If they score again, they’ll win, because with only fifteen minutes left of play we’d probably play out our time without having had the chance to score another try ourselves. Despite my fitness, my stamina is starting to wane. But with the cheers from the crowd, I dig deep and tap into the last of my reserves. When the horn blasts to signal the end of the game, I stand in the middle of the field in disbelief. We held on. We won, with our final score beating the Bulldogs by 10-6.

Benson is running around the field with his shirt over his head, whooping his head off. My team mates are jumping all over each other while I stand stock still, shocked that we actually pulled this off. We won, and I was part of that. Souths are back, baby! We shake hands with the Dogs, maybe just a little overzealously. We’re heading back to the locker rooms and are just about off the field when I spot Mackenzie hanging over the fencing that separates the fans from the field. My face erupts into a big grin that is only mirrored by her own expression. God I love her. I run to her. She meets me head on, hands grabbing my face and pulling my lips to hers. Out of breath, she finally breaks away from me.

‘Congratulations! You guys were totally awesome!’

‘Thanks baby,’ I say, giving her another kiss.

‘You better go, but we’ll be waiting out the front for you.’

‘Okay, see you soon.’ She nods before taking the stairs two at a time to the exit. I see Levi waiting for her and wave. I’m one lucky SOB, I tell you. Levi and Mackenzie have organised an after party at my house for all our friends, family and team mates. Mum and Dad will stay a while, but then they’re checking into a hotel to give us a bit of privacy. Oh yeah, the fact that a loud party is going on might also have something to do with their leaving as well, but they said they would meet us for brunch tomorrow.

I hurry to get out of here, excited to party and enjoy the afterglow of my first professional game. My body feels battered and bruised, but hey, I’m not complaining. Sometimes
a little pain is the only way to feel alive.

Mackenzie

I’m so stinking proud of Tyler. To be his girl, I feel like the luckiest person at the party – well at least until I see him with his arms wrapped around a leggy blonde with blood red lips. She even has a Marilyn Monroe beauty spot on her face. I’m silently seething over a vodka and lime soda when Jonas sidles up next to me. My pulse is racing at the sight of the man I love being so openly affectionate with another woman. Jonas is silent for a minute while I can’t take my eyes off the blonde. The interruption of my view by party-goers walking past is only making me more anxious.

‘It will never be what you think it is.’

‘Huh?’

‘Love – it makes us all a little crazy sometimes; jealous even. You of all people know he loves you to death.’ I give him the stink eye. Over the time he’s been dating Levi I have come to love him just as much as my best friend.
Even though I know he’s got a valid point I still feel my insides clench when I see Tyler with another woman in his arms.

‘Looks cosy.’

‘Possibly. Could also be something completely different. Trust me, you don’t want to jump to conclusions when it comes to the person you love. Better to give them the benefit of the doubt until they prove you wrong, otherwise you’re just going to poison what you feel for him. Doubts and insecurities will bleed into your relationship until one day you don’t even recognise the person you’ve become. Problem is, neither will he.’

‘Sounds like you know what you’re talking about. Hey, have you been talking to Levi?’

‘No, but I do know what I’m talking about. I went out with a guy before Levi – it didn’t end well.’ I look at Jonas and see he looks a little wistful. His black fringe is spiked up into a mowhawk tonight, and he looks a little
emo with his dark accessories and black attire.

‘But you’re happy now
, right? With Levi?’

‘Absolutely, but I hurt someone I cared about to get to where I am now. Learning to trust and be tru
stworthy is a tough road, but maybe I can help you get there a little faster. Let me just say that it’s not worth it to take the hard road of the jealous girlfriend.’ He turns to face me and places his hands on my shoulders, making me take in his emerald eyes. They’re serious, they mean business.

‘Relax, enjoy your love. There is no one else. He’s a very caring person. If he wasn’t, I don’t think you’d care so much for him. Have faith, trust, be a little wild, but don’t make him out to be someone he’s not. He’s faithful. Hell, you can tell just by the way he looks at you.’

Navigating the course of love isn’t easy. There are so many dos and don’ts that can make it easier or harder. Having faith, trusting and believing that Tyler’s love is the only thing that matters is something I have only just realised that I haven’t fully accepted until right this minute. I promise myself and him, that I will no longer be a jealous girlfriend. I will love and adore him, just as much as he does me. I won’t put added pressure on him to make him ever question where my heart lays, or make him feel like he’s not giving me enough. There is a part of me that still thinks he deserves so much more, but he’s with me. So to honour that, I’m going to stop the doubting and start with the believing. A little trust can go a long way and I’m about to start giving it to him in bucketfulls. I smile at Jonas.

‘Thank you, really, thank you for that. I needed to hear it. Sometimes I feel so much for him it suffocates me. It
’s hard to understand what’s going on when you’ve got so many emotions flying around. I didn’t know how I was supposed to curtail the jealousy, but you just made me realise I don’t need to feel that way in the first place.’ I kiss his cheek, grateful for such a wonderful friend.

‘No problem. Just enjoy the ride, okay? I promise, he’ll take you
r love to heights you only dreamed were possible.’ Just then we spot Tyler coming towards us with a big grin on his face. The blonde Marilyn look alike has her arm linked with his, a shy smile on her face. She’s at least ten years older than I am, but there is a youthfulness about her.

‘Baby! I would like you to meet a good friend of my mum’s. Mackenzie, this is Rachael, Rachael, this is the love of my life – Mackenzie.’ I’m touched he has the balls to say such things in public. The heat rises furiously to my cheeks. Quickly, I offer my hand to her, shaking hers in greeting.

‘It’s so lovely to finally meet you, Mackenzie. Tyler and the Reddings talk about you all the time. Thanks for having me here at your party for Tyler. I’m so proud of him playing for his home team, it’s such a great achievement.’

‘Ah, it’s great to meet you too, and you’re welcome for the invite.’ Even though I have no idea who she is, I instantly like her.

‘Rachael isn’t just a family friend, she’s also a huge donor to my charity.’ Okay, now I’m officially confused.

‘Charity?’

‘
Didn’t you tell her yet, Tyler?’ asks Rachael, scolding him.

‘I haven’t had chance to explain to Mackenzie yet … how about we take a minute now? There’s something I want to show you.’ Tyler holds out his hand towards me. I take it, questions dancing across my eyes as they connect with his.

‘Sure. I’ll see you guys later then.’ Leaving Jonas and Rachael behind, Tyler takes me downstairs to his old bedroom. The computer is on in there, the screen saver making swirly patterns across the monitor.

‘What’s going on? You have a charity? How come I didn’t know about this?’ My questions bombard him in rapid fire succession.

‘Yes I do, one that I’m very proud of. I haven’t wanted to tell you about it yet, mainly because I didn’t ever want what I do to influence what you want for yourself. My dream for this charity is very personal and I never wanted you to feel like I was putting pressure on you.’

‘Well, what is it?’

‘Keep an open mind, okay?’

‘Okay.’ He moves the mouse to make the screen come alive. Next to the http address is kind2me.org and right there on the right hand side of the web page is a picture of Tyler with his sister Kelly. It’s the same picture that he has on display in his room. I let his hand slip from mine as I sit in his chair, captured by what I’m seeing.

He leaves me be, taking as long as I need to read through the pages on the site. Reading about Kelly and her struggles sends a shiver straight through me. I feel like I’m getting a very intimate look into a person’s life, which is strange when they are no longer around to talk about it. All the time, effort and money that have clearly gone into his charity are a true testament to Tyler’s love and devotion to his sister. I can see why he hasn’t mentioned it yet, because it is truly a personal journey for him and me. Had he shown me earlier, I may have pushed him away. Had he wanted to help me, I would have run a mile. My recovery has always had to be my decision and, until I was ready, he knew I would have stubbornly refused every single helping hand.

As I trawl through the pages, I see other anorexia and bulimia sufferers’ blog posts – their personal testaments to beating the disease. A tear comes to my eyes when I see the personal page dedicated to the memory of Kelly. There are pictures of her and Tyler when they were kids; pictures of them on family vacation. They continue – a timeline of her life. The only problem is that they abruptly stop in her late teens; a reminder of a life cut short. In his moment, I want to sob. I want to cry my heart out. Cry for all the pain I have and could have caused my family and anyone else I have ever cared about. Right now, I make a silent promise to Tyler that I will never leave him with the hurt that his sister has left. Never will I let him grieve for me the way he has for her. I promise that I will never let this disease take over me again. I promise, for me, for him, for my family, I will be stronger, happier and healthier, so that in years to come, we will still have those happy snap shots of our life to show our family later on in life.

I turn to him, tears welling in my eyes.

‘Tyler …’

‘I’m sorry baby, is it too much? Too soon?’ He uses his thumb to wipe a tear that has escaped my eye.

‘No, it’s absolutely perfect. You’re perfect. I can’t believe you have done all this on your own.’

‘Not alone. My parents and friends have helped too.’ He smiles.

‘But it’s your baby, I can see that. I’m so proud of you and what you have achieved, and I want to help. Help you in any way I can to keep the memory of your sister alive and assist other people like her – like me.’

‘I’d love you to. This charity means so much to me and I’m so grateful that you want to be a part of it. I wanted you to meet Rachael tonight because she is one of our family friends that have been so instrumental in getting this program and charity the funds it needs to help others so they can become survivors too.’

‘She seems really nice,’ I smile, saying a silent thank you to Jonas for his words of wisdom. If he hadn’t stepped in, I could very well be having an argument with Tyler right now, accusing him of flirting with the pretty blonde.

‘She’s a gem and nobody gets this charity like she’s does, which I think in part is because she’s a survivor of the disease too.’

‘Really? She seems so …’

‘Together?’

‘Yeah.’

‘She went through a rough trot when she was a teen. Her step-father started abusing her pretty badly around the age of fourteen. It affected her body image so badly that she stopped eating, thinking that if she made herself unattractive then it would keep his attentions at bay. But it became addictive – she couldn’t stop,’ he almost chokes as he get this last bit out. He’s clearly emotional and I don’t know what to do to comfort him.

‘But she did, right? She stopped, and Tyler, I stopped. I know you weren’t able to save Kelly, but what you’re doing is so important. You are helping so many people who just need to talk, who want help, and if you’ll let me, I’d like to be a part of your charity. I want to do what you do. I want to help you make a difference.’

He brushes a stray tear away with the back of his big hand. His blue eyes shine from the tears, but there is happiness there. He reaches for my face, cupping my cheeks and bringing my lips close enough to his to kiss. I close the whisper of air between us and kiss h
im so deeply it hurts. In this second I want him to feel every bit of my compassion and love for him. When we come up for air, he takes me in his gaze, focusing on my lips as he says the sweetest thing I have ever heard.

‘You know, Mackenzie, I don’t know how I got so lucky in having you, but sometimes when I’m with you, I feel Kelly’s presence close by – kind of like she’s cheering me on, ya know? I feel like you’re my destiny, you’re my everything, and I think I have her to thank for that. Don’t ever leave me, okay? ‘Cause if you do, I think you might just take a bit of my soul with you.’ I kiss him again, holding his large frame as tightly as I possibly can in my small arms.

‘I’m not going anywhere
, Tyler, I promise.’ He holds me close, not afraid anymore that I will break in his arms. ‘Come on, big guy, we better get back to the party. You’re the star of the evening and all your fans will be missing you,’ I chide.

‘Okay, but do you know what Mack?’

‘What?’

‘It means nothing without you.’