Sammy (8 page)

We're saved by Tara and Christian coming over with the audition results. Tara's been cast as Clara, the main role. Abigail is her understudy. Christian's dancing the Mouse King. It's a great role. I've got Soldier Number Two and Boy at the Party. That's good – two roles.

Then Christian and I do our fake high-five thing, but I'm the one feeling fake.

Christian gives me these papers from his parole officer that my parents have to sign to say it's okay that he comes to stay with us. The long summer together on the island of man, learning to surf, rehearsing our band, the summer that was going to be so perfect now fills me with dread. There is nothing I'd like more than to spend every waking moment with Christian but not like this. Not with Christian and this list of whys.

I'm even hoping my dad refuses to sign the form but when I go home for
Shabbat,
just when I need him to be all conservative and refuse to have a convicted criminal in the house, he shows his caring side. When I get back to the boarding house, I know it's wrong but I hide the form in one of my drawers. I'll deal with it later. I'll deal with everything later.

Rehearsals are a nightmare. I can't let Christian get close or he might sense something in me. It's Act One, Christian is the Mouse King and I'm a soldier. I'm supposed to lift him but I just step away.

Patrick stops the music, wondering what's going on.

‘I thought it'd be more dramatic, to put some distance between us.'

Christian gives me a look. I'm weirding him out but until these … I'm not using the word ‘feelings' … go I can't.

‘Let's stay with the director's choreography,' Patrick tells me.

After class I sprint out, get changed and leave before Christian can speak to me. I think I've done a good job of avoiding him when I see him skating along the wharf. I try and duck out of his sight but fail.

‘I can see you. You're not invisible.'

‘Oh, hey!'

‘Oh hey? You're avoiding me!'

‘No I'm not!' I say, a bit too quickly.

‘I get why, it's fine.'

My heart explodes, or stops, or vanishes, or does three hundred beats in a second – I can't tell which. He knows.

‘Your parents won't sign the forms,' Christian says. ‘They're respectable people. They shouldn't have to take on responsibility for a convicted criminal.'

‘You're right. I'm really sorry.' I am a coward.

‘Not your fault. You tried.'

I am a coward and a bad friend.

‘I'm used to it,' he says.

I am a coward, a bad friend and a horrible human being.

Kat isn't impressed when I tell her.

‘That is low.'

‘I need space, okay. Just a little time away from him so I can get my head back to normal.'

‘Your best friend is going to rot in the boarding house all summer because you can't talk about your feelings?'

‘What do you want me to do? Get a T-shirt with “Samuel Lieberman – Gay Boy – Have you met my roommate?”'

‘You said the G word.'

‘I can't pretend it's just a man crush.'

‘I think it's a bit early to start worrying about whether you are or you aren't. Let's just deal with the problem at hand. Christian. He's done nothing wrong and it's not fair to let him think he has.'

I need time to think. How can I possibly talk to Christian about this? I go for a walk along the harbour, hoping some magic fish is going to miraculously leap out of the water, kiss me on the lips and make me forget all about my feelings for Christian.

It doesn't. The magic fish all stay in the water, knowing my problem is far greater than any of their powers. I walk right along the foreshore and through the Botanical Gardens. The sun, which was so welcome before, is now burning down on my sensitive skin.

Just as confusion is reigning supreme in my mind I see Abigail sitting on a bench. She looks almost as miserable as me. Seeing her reminds me how simple life used to be. Perhaps if I had never broken up with her. Perhaps if I hadn't worried about it not ‘feeling right' after the formal. I try to hurry by before she spots me, but I'm too late. She gives me a half-hearted smile.

‘Hi,' I say and try to move on.

‘Do you think I'm empty?' she asks suddenly, making me stop. She's had a tough rehearsal and Ethan was pretty harsh about her dancing, including saying it was ‘empty'.

‘Never.'

‘Then why did you break up with me? I'm fine with it, I'm just curious.'

I sit down beside her. ‘I didn't. You dumped me.'

‘No, Sammy. I said the words, but you were the one that pulled away.'

‘I don't know. I guess it stopped feeling right.'

Abigail bursts into tears. She didn't deserve the way we broke up. I feel like an emotional bulldozer right now – crushing everyone in my path.

‘I'm sorry … It's just … Don't cry.'

I wipe her tears away and remember the lovely vulnerable Abigail I was obsessed with. Suddenly I kiss her and she kisses me back. There's something familiar and comforting about her lips. I close my eyes trying to feel what I used to feel but slowly, without me even realising it, in my mind I'm kissing Christian. I leap back.

‘What?'

‘Sorry I have to go.'

I can't avoid the truth any longer, I have to find Christian.

I make my way back to the boarding house. As I walk into our room, Christian's on his bed working on his laptop. On my pillow are the parole papers. He knows I lied.

‘I can explain.'

He shrugs. ‘Don't worry about it.'

‘I just want a break, you know. We've been living in each other's pockets all year.'

‘And yet I'm not good enough to live in your house.'

‘That's not what it is.'

‘Okay, what is it?' he asks.

I can hear my voice, but it's babbling and it's not even making sense to me, so how is Christian going to understand? He doesn't. He gets up to walk out.

‘I think I like you,' I blurt out.

The world stops for a second. Christian turns and stares at me, waiting for a punchline that doesn't come.

‘No, that's not true.' I have to be completely honest. ‘I know I like you.' I've said it, but I don't feel any better.

Christian simply walks out.

Game over.

I stay the night in Kat's room. She doesn't ask why. She just holds me as I lie there.

Next morning I get up early and go out to avoid seeing Christian. I figure if I go down by the harbour pool I'll be safe there. He'll probably head down to the swimming pool with everyone else.

I sit on the side of the wooden jetty going out into the harbour, looking at the water below. For a second I remember jumping into the sea with Christian and how great that felt, how easy it was being friends and how I've ruined it all. I finally get a male friend and this is what I do.

This pain was not part of any plan. Not mine, certainly not Dad's. I pushed his plan away from the wharf when he tried to make me leave the Academy and it's drifted further and further out to sea. Now it's so far I couldn't swim after it even if I wanted to.

I have no plan. I have nothing but a tortured knot of confusion.

I don't even have a plan to avoid Christian any more. He's walking along the jetty towards me.

‘What is wrong with you?'

He's angry and I don't blame him.

‘I don't know. I didn't want this to happen. It came out of nowhere.'

‘No, I mean why didn't you trust me?' His voice is different now. It's not angry, it's hurt. ‘I robbed a servo, Sammy. That's something to be ashamed of every day. How you're feeling isn't.'

‘It's not just whether I'm … or not. It's about you. And if we're mates I can't … I don't know how to be around you so, so I think I should move out.'

‘I've lived with you all year.'

‘No one would probably notice if I moved in with Kat for a bit.'

Christian sits down next to me. ‘Every person in my life has kicked me out or left me. And now you're trying to do the same. What do you want me to say, Sammy? What do you want me to do?'

‘I don't know.'

He grabs my shoulders and makes me look him in the eyes.

I'm crying but he doesn't care. He just keeps looking at me, as he puts his arms around me.

For a second he holds me and the world stops again.

And then he pulls us both into the water. Fully clothed.

As we surface he's still holding onto my shirt, keeping my head above the water.

‘You're not going to ditch me because you're confused. Right?'

‘Okay.'

First year at the Dance Academy is over. Academic exams have been sat, dance exams danced, papers submitted, work assessed and marks assigned. Now all that lies ahead is the performance of our lives. Rehearsals for
The Nutcracker
have moved to the Sydney Opera House. I can't believe we're actually going to perform on one of the most famous stages in the world.

Backstage, Tara and Abigail are sharing a room that has a star on the door. Sebastian is not deciding until after the final dress rehearsal which one of them will get to dance Clara on the night. When Tara gets it right, she is magical, it's just that she's never made it through Act Two without a stumble. Abigail would be a safer option. She gets all the steps right but she doesn't dance with the same level of emotion.

Christian and I don't have a star on our door. We're in the men's
corps de ballet
dressing room. He's already there when I arrive for the first rehearsal. My phone rings. It's Dad so I let it go to voicemail and listen to the message. He's learned that our results are out tomorrow and he wants to discuss my five-year plan. Or his five-year plan to be more precise.

There are a few older boys in the changing room.

Christian looks around at them. ‘This could be a chance to get to know some guys in different years,' he says in a low voice.

‘Uh-huh. Why?'

‘I don't know. You could work out if you're … or not.'

Right on cue one of the guys peels off his shirt. He's in great shape with a serious six-pack happening.

‘He's fit,' Christian says helpfully.

‘Mate,' I say, focusing on my shoes.

‘Too soon?'

‘Just a bit.'

Six-packs are not top of my mind at the moment, but I appreciate the effort.

I may have come to some sort of peace with one of the men in my life, but the other one, the one with the chequebook and parental authority, is a different matter. The next day I'm having a one-on-one with Miss Raine in the dance studio. She's got my results and she's dragging out the agony.

‘Distinction. High Distinction. Distinction. You're in the top percentile of every subject,' she says.

‘I know I place well academically but what about my dance exams?' I ask. They're what I'm really nervous about.

‘They were your dance exams, Sammy. You should be proud how far you've come this year.'

I can't believe it. My work actually paid off. I am a good dance student. I'm a
really
good dance student.

The joy doesn't last long.

‘Which is why I was so disappointed to get this email from your father.'

‘Sorry?'

‘He's withdrawing his financial support. If I'd known earlier we might have been able to help but all the scholarships have been given out.'

That's it. Without my fees being paid I can't stay.

‘Is there any chance he will change his mind?' Miss Raine asks.

I think of the empty seat that's been at all the showcases we've done. He's never come to see me dance. I've always believed that once he did that he'd understand. Especially now I've kept my promise. My academic grades are excellent and now even my dance grades are great.

Perhaps when he sees me onstage at the Opera House in a real production he'll see I can have a future with dance and he'll change his mind.

Now I'm not avoiding his calls. I really need to speak to him – he has to see me perform. At the dress rehearsal I'm in costume but still trying to call him on my phone. Finally I get hold of Mum.

‘Mum, put me onto Dad … Okay, tell him I've got my phone on now and he can call me if he wants but he cannot make up his mind until he sees me dance tomorrow night.'

It's my only chance.

The buzz on the night of the performance is incredible. The drama's intense. Sebastian has given the role of Clara to Tara. It's ‘the gown' that did it. It's supposed to have a magical quality. Many of the greats in the Company have worn it over the years and it's never had so much as a broken thread. Tara chose it without knowing any of its history. It fitted perfectly and when she wore it for the dress rehearsal Sebastian became convinced that she should dance Clara. She believes it's all down to the magic of the dress.

We're minutes away from starting. The audience are taking their places and all first-scene dancers are side stage. I'm pleased I'm in this scene so my dad doesn't have to wait for ages to see me, working himself into a mood. Sean's standing with me. He's another ‘boy at the party' and is looking just as nervous.

As I look out to the audience I see Mum and Ari taking their seats. Dad's probably finishing a phone call in the lobby.

The lights go down and the overture starts. I peek out again but his seat's still empty and I realise he's not coming. My last chance has just been blown off.

‘Your dad a no-show?' Sean asks.

I shake my head. The last thing I need now is a smart-arse Sean comment. I wait for it.

‘Mine hasn't spoken to me since he found out I had a boyfriend.'

It takes a second to register but I turn to look at him. ‘Really? How did I miss that?'