Salvation (19 page)

Finally, I said, “I’m sure it wasn’t as bad as you think. I’m sure you did just fine. I mean, if the case was in trouble, they would have called me in to testify, and they haven’t. I’m sure it’s fine. What did the prosecutor say about it?”

“He said it was fine and not to do a post-mortem on my performance.”

“See? You obviously did what you needed to do for the case. It was fine.”

“I don’t really think it was.” Gideon sounded so tired it actually hurt me to hear.

“Do you...” I hesitated, since the idea of following through on the suggestion made me sick. “Do you want me to come to court with you tomorrow? Just so I could be there for support?”

“No. I don’t want you to do that.”

He sounded so firm that I didn’t try to argue. Instead, I said, “The jury is going to understand why you’re so angry with them. They’re not going to think you have a vendetta against them for no reason.”

He let out a breath. “Yeah.”

“And we weren’t together when you did all of your work undercover. They’re not going to think you’re out to get them because of me.”

“I
am
out to get them.” His arm tightened around me.

“Yeah, but the jury will see there are legitimate reasons for it. It’s not going to affect the outcome.”

“Yeah.”

“So what’s the problem?”

“It just wasn’t good enough.”

I turned around in his arms to look at him. His eyes were closed, his head leaning back against a cushion. I reached up to stroke his face, his hair. “You’re not perfect, Gideon. You can’t be perfect.”

“I don’t want to be perfect. But I shouldn’t have... I needed to...” He trailed off, strangely inarticulate.

“You needed to what?” I breathed.

He didn’t answer.

I caressed his face some more in the silence, the strong lines of his jaw, his cheekbones, the curve of his forehead. I tangled my fingers in his hair so I could stroke his scalp. “Gideon,” I said at last. “Please tell me why this is eating at you this way.”

It took a long time for him to answer, but he finally did. “Because I keep failing you when you need me.”

My whole body jerked with sudden tension. “What?”

“I feel like I’m never able to do what you need me to do.” The words were hoarse, slow, like they resisted being spoken.

“What are you talking about?”

He cleared his throat, and his eyes were still closed, as if that were the only way he was able to admit it. “I couldn’t stop that abomination from happening to you when I had the chance. And then I couldn’t keep them from letting the bastards plead out on the rape with a minimal sentence, just because we need them for the fucking case. And I can’t...I’m not allowed to kill those bastards with my hands, which is what I feel really needs to happen. And now I can’t even...I can’t even give compelling testimony so you can see some sort of justice done—to the gang, if not to the specific men.”

My hand had lowered so I was clinging to one of his shoulders, my body pressed in the gap between his body and the back of the couch. “Gideon, you don’t need to—”

“Yes, I do!” His eyes flew open, suddenly intense instead of exhausted. “Yes, I do.”

My lips parted in surprise and I couldn’t say anything.

“What happened to you is just wrong. It’s so wrong that it can’t be accepted. It can’t be minimized so it can fit into a reasonable understanding of the world. It’s just so wrong. It needs to be made right. It needs to be...paid for.”

My eyes were burning now in response to the depth and power of his emotion, his conviction. I could barely speak through the feeling lodged in my throat. “I don’t think that can really happen. I don’t think this can ever be fixed. You just can’t save me from this. It’s horrible, sickening, but sometimes it’s just that way. The wrongness just...just is.”

He kept shaking his head as I spoke. “I can’t accept that. It’s just so wrong. It can’t just be left there. It needs...it needs to be
answered
. I need to at least give you that.”

Looking at him then—this good man, this strong man, this man who really knew how to love—I understood something I hadn’t before. I understood it in a flash of insight that left me breathless, so the words came pouring out. “You
have
answered it, Gideon. You’ve already answered it for me. Think about all the days between that night and now. All this time, you’ve been giving me the answer to what they did to me—to
both
of us—in that house. Every time you give yourself. For me.”

His whole body was starting to shudder, something powerful he couldn’t hold back.

Tears were streaming down my cheeks, but I didn’t wipe them away. “I really think that’s the only answer for it. And, Gideon, I wouldn’t have that answer without you.”

He made a rough sound in his throat and pulled me into a hug. He shook so helplessly I was terrified as I wrapped my arms around him.  He wasn’t crying, but it still felt like he was breaking in my arms, like I was barely holding him together.

I ended up going to court with him the following day, to support him as he finished his testimony. I just ignored his continued insistence that I shouldn’t have to face such a thing.

I wasn’t going to not be there when he needed me.

There were wounds in his life, in his soul, that needed an answer too.

A
ll of the gang trials led to convictions, thanks to the work Gideon and his team had done for the last five years. I was glad the verdicts went the way they did, but mostly I was glad that whole chapter was over.

It didn’t really change anything for me other than that, but I hadn’t expected it to. Other things were changing though. They were getting better.

One Friday evening, a few weeks later, Gideon had planned a date night for us. He took me to a really nice restaurant and then to a movie I’d wanted to see, but instead of a romantic evening, we argued most of the time.

Over a stupid thing, as far as I was concerned. Over whether we should let my dad pay for the ludicrously expensive accommodations for us at the Caribbean wedding of a family friend. The wedding was at an exclusive resort, and all of the rooms were private “sanctuaries” with over-the-top price tags. Since my connection to the wedding was through my dad, it made sense to me that my dad could pay for it.

Not to Gideon, though.

So we argued over dinner. And then we argued some more as we waited for the movie to start. During the movie, I decided to be reasonable and came up with an excellent compromise, and I offered it up as we walked from the theater to his car after the movie ended. “What about if
I
paid for it?” I asked, accelerating my pace to keep up with him, since he was walking more quickly than usual. “Would that be all right?”

He frowned down at me. “And how exactly would
you
pay for it? You don’t make enough from your job to pay for three nights in that place. We could buy a car for the price of that weekend.”

“I know how much it costs.” I was angry again, although I’d resolved to be patient and conciliatory. “I could pay for it. I don’t know how you could say no to that.”

“Because you’d be getting the money for it from your dad. And I’ve told you now about twenty times that I’m not going to go on a trip that I can’t pay for. You can go to the wedding by yourself and stay anywhere you want. Or we can go to the wedding together and stay at a more affordable place.”

“But it would be a pain in the ass—since everything else is on the other side of the island from the wedding. The suite would be like a gift from my dad. He can throw that amount of money around like candy, and he’s the reason I need to go to the wedding at all.”

Gideon shook his head, his jaw as tense as it had been all evening. “I don’t know why you’re not hearing me.”

“I
am
hearing you.” We’d reached the car, but we stopped next to the passenger door, glaring at each other rather than actually getting in. “I just think it’s ridiculous that you’re so hung up on some sort of macho pride thing. Why am I not allowed to contribute to this relationship?”

“You are allowed. Anything you earn, you can contribute. But I will not now and I never will live off your father.”

I could see very clearly that Gideon still hadn’t forgiven my father for being the reason I was targeted by the Albanians. It was obvious to me, although he’d never once said a word about it.

I realized, however, as I stared up at him, almost panting with my impatience, that Gideon would have been equally stubborn on this issue if there was no cause for resentment against my dad.

With a helpless exclamation of impatience, I replied, “I don’t know why you’re making such a big deal about it. It’s just money. Money doesn’t really matter that much. It doesn’t mean anything important.”

He didn’t seem to be angry anymore. He looked almost tired instead. “You only say that because you’ve lived your life surrounded by it. For most of us, it does matter. It does mean something.”

He meant it. He wasn’t just making an argument. He was speaking what he knew to be true. And I realized it wasn’t fair to try to force him into my world. I let out a long sigh. “So we never get to go on nice vacations?”

“Of course, we can go on nice vacations. We make decent money between us, so we can plan any sort of vacation we can afford. What’s wrong with that?”

“Nothing,” I grumbled, stepping over and grabbing his shirt with both hands.

He chuckled and slid his hands down to my bottom, pulling me against him. “That doesn’t sound very convincing.”

“Those sanctuaries at the resort looked really nice.” I wasn’t angry anymore, and was in fact feeling a surge of affection for him.

“So we’ll save up money and go when we can afford it.”

“You are the most stubborn man I’ve ever had the misfortune to know.”

Laughing again, he leaned down to press a light kiss against my lips. “Guilty.” He kissed me again and then asked in a different tone, “So you’re all right with this?”

“Yeah. We can stay at the cheaper place.”

He tilted his head down to peer at my face. “Are you still mad about it?”

“No.” I slid my hands up his chest until I could wrap my arms around him. We were still standing next to the car on the sidewalk. “I just like to get my way, is all.”

“Well, maybe you can get your way in something else.” His tone was soft and fond. When he kissed me again, it was more urgent, his tongue sliding delicately along the underside of my lips.

It felt so good and I felt so close to him that I moaned very softly into his mouth. I felt his body tighten and his tongue went a little deeper.

My fingers fisted in his hair, and I loved the feel of his body against mine.

He broke the kiss before I would have, and he was smiling. “I’m glad we made up.”

“Me too. We can go back to your place tonight, so you don’t have to drive me all the way home. Just to sleep, I mean.”

“I know what you meant.” He brushed another little kiss against my mouth and then my cheekbone. “You don’t have to qualify it all the time, baby. Unless you tell me differently, I’ll never assume you mean sex. I’m assuming you’ll tell me if you decide that’s what you want.”

I nodded and swallowed hard. “I don’t think I’m ready yet. But I did want to say...” I trailed off, strangely embarrassed.

“You wanted to say what?’ He stiffened as he waited for my response.

“I did want to say that I don’t think it’s impossible anymore. I mean, I think I’ll be able to...I’ll eventually get to the point where we can be together that way. I want to get to that point. With you.”

He wrapped me in a hug, his body releasing its tension. And he murmured against my hair, “Take all the time you need. But I’m really glad to know that.”

***

I
went to bed happy and hopeful that night, cuddled up against Gideon.

But I woke up in nauseated terror.

It wasn’t a regular nightmare. It wasn’t a nightmare at all. I woke up in the middle of the night and felt like my nightmares had come to life again.

I was lying on my stomach and there was a man on top of me. He was heavy and hard and even harder against my bottom. I was trapped. I couldn’t breathe. And there was absolutely no way to get away.

I gurgled in a panic and fought the weight, but I couldn’t make it move.

I threw back my elbow instinctively and heard a grunt. “Get off,” I gasped. “Get off me.”

The ruthless weight on top of me grunted again, the exclamation sounding almost like, “Wha—”

I found my voice through the panic and cried, “Get off me!”

Then suddenly, miraculously, the weight was lifted and I was free.

I clumsily rolled over and sat up in bed, holding my stomach and trying to breathe.

“I’m sorry,” Gideon said hoarsely. He was sitting up now too. “Baby, I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” My mind was starting to work, and I tried to pull myself together. It wasn’t a crisis. I must have rolled over on my stomach in my sleep, and Gideon had simply rolled with me. “I just...”

I had to pause to catch my breath. Then I felt like I needed to explain. “It’s just that you were...you were behind me. And they...they raped me from behi—”

“I know. I know that. I’m so sorry. I was asleep. I never would have rolled on top of you if I hadn’t been asleep.”

“I know. It’s not your fault. It just...it just scared me.”

I was slowly getting my breath again, but I was still trembling helplessly.

“Do you need me to sleep on the couch?” he asked, reaching over to turn the television on without my needing to ask.

“No. It’s fine. I like you to sleep with me.”

I lay back down, and then so did he. I rolled on my side so that I was facing him, and we gazed at each other in the dark. He looked like he was about to reach out for me, but then changed his mind. It was good because there was no way I could be that close to anyone, even Gideon, right now.

It didn’t feel like there was anything we needed to say, but I reached over and found his hand on the bed between us. I twined my fingers with his.

We were still holding hands when I finally fell back to sleep.