Saint Nicholas (17 page)

“Which brings me back to my main point,” I said, taking a swig of my beer. “How can she even bear to look him in the eyes after all of it.”

“And that’s
my
point. In order for Sarah to get over her addictions, she had to look her true demon in the eyes, and realize that he wasn’t the monster she thought he was, but just a flawed, weak man. Once she saw her father for who he truly was, she was able to forgive him, thus shedding herself of the burden.”

I sighed and ran a hand down my face. When explained to me that way, I did manage to see it a little better from Sarah’s perspective. It was still a hard concept for me to grasp, but I was at least willing to try, For her, and for me.

“You have a lot of anger in you, Nicholas,” Carter continued. “I can tell, and in order for you to have any kind of chance with Sarah down the road, you’re going to have to learn to let go of that.”

“Easier said than done,” I chided.

“I know, but I can help you. It’s kind of my job.”

“You’d do that for me?”

“No, but I’ll do it for Sarah because this last week has been miserable, and she needs to move on with her life, and unfortunately she wants you to be a part of that.”

“So what do I do?”

“Talk to her. Sarah’s a strong woman and knows what she wants, but I think you’re going to have to be the one to swallow your pride and admit defeat, because you’re the one in the wrong here, not her.”

Carter finished his beer and placed his empty on the counter. “Don’t fuck it up this time, Saint Nicholas. She’s counting on you.”

I stood to say goodbye, leading him toward the front door. “I won’t, and thanks Carter. I really appreciate it. You have a mean right…slap.”

“There’ll be more where that came from if you don’t pull your act together, remember that.”

“Will do.”

We shook hands, and after he’d gone I sat down at the computer and surfed over to Facebook so I could type a message to Sarah. It wasn’t anything big, because as much as I could hear it from someone else that she wanted to see me and move past my stupidity, I couldn’t be certain unless I heard it from her, so I just typed three simple words as Bacon jumped on my lap and I started rubbing his back:
can we talk?

A few minutes later her reply came though, bringing a nervous smile to my face.

Meet me on the roof.

TWENTY-THREE

-
Sarah
-

I stood watching as Nicholas approached. Walking through the same door I’d walked through a week ago, his shoes crunching along the same gravel. There was no running this time, and there were certainly no tears.

We stood next to one another, side-by-side overlooking the place we used to call home. For all the time I spent trying to imagine myself eventually getting out of there, it felt good to be back with Nicholas next to me, though I wished it were under different circumstances.

Nether of us spoke for a while. Maybe I was waiting for him, or he was waiting for me, I’m not sure, but it made things a little uncomfortable, and I didn’t like it. I didn’t want to feel that way with him, and though Carter had convinced me to see things from his point of view, it didn’t make it sting any less.

Carter. I had to grin at the thought of him barging in on Nicholas, slapping him across the face. He’d told me what happened, of course, and at first I was genuinely shocked that he would do such a brazen thing, especially considering how much Nicholas had filled out, but after hearing the way their conversation went, it made me understand Nicholas better.

I closed my eyes, inhaling his scent. His cologne and natural odor was intoxicating. It made me think about our kiss. A kiss that had been seven years in the making and was worth every minute of waiting. I wanted more of those—God how I wanted more—but I willed myself to be strong in his presence, and not cave to the urges that were rising from deep within.

“I’m sorry,” he said, jarring me from the pleasant memory. I opened my eyes and looked at him, seeing the sincerity on his face.

I said nothing. Just kept my lips pursed firmly together. I didn’t want him to know that I wasn’t mad at him anymore. Part of me wanted him to feel just a little of what I felt that day he walked out on me, and I don’t know why.

“When I heard you talk about your father,” he continued, “it triggered something in me. I’ve thought about him over the years, but as little as possible. It’s usually just you in my head. Your hair, your eyes, your smell. Those are the things I tried to focus on. The good things like just being with you, forgetting all about the reasons that you were there. When you brought him up in the diner, I just saw red, and I’m sorry. I don’t want to be that person when I’m with you, but I’m having a hard time moving past it. Carter—”

I laughed to myself, still not saying anything. Carter.

“—Yeah, I know. He’s quite the character. Anyway, when he explained things to me, it helped me to understand you a little better, and it made me realize that I want more of that. I want to get to know the person you are now, if you’ll let me, but I can’t promise you that I’m not without my flaws. Things make me angry, Sarah. Everything’s made me so angry for so long, but being with you last week, that was the first moment of peace I’d had in seven years.”

He paused, and I thought he might go on, but when I saw that he was finished speaking I turned back toward the city, leaning against the ledge, taking in a deep breath. Processing his words as best I could when all I wanted to do was tell him it was okay.

When I trusted myself and my voice enough, I said, “I spent the first twenty-odd years of my life dealing with anger, both inside and out, so I know what it’s like. I’d be lying if I said seeing you like that last week didn’t scare me, because it did—” he winced “—but I understand. I get it, Nicholas. I get your anger more than you can possibly know, but if this is going to work, if we’re going to be friends again, then we have to figure out a way to move past it.”

“Friends?” he said so quietly I could hear his heart skip a beat.

“For now,” I smiled. “That’s all I can offer you, and I’m not sorry for that, but I need to make sure I’m okay with the person you are before we can go any further.”

He nodded. “Carter told me what you said to him, about wanting to stick a needle in your arm. I never want you to feel that way around me, Sarah.”

“Which is why we need to take things between us a little slower than they were moving last week. That kiss was amazing, but it was just a kiss. I think both of us wanted it so badly after everything that’d kept us apart for so long, and now that it’s out of the way, I’m able to see things a little clearer, you know?”

“Yeah, I get it.”

I took his had in mine and raised my eyes to meet his. They were dark and full of pain, yet when we touched I saw something else there. Hope. “I know you get it,” I told him, “otherwise I wouldn’t have agreed to meet you here again.”

He smiled, his eyes brightening at my words. “I’d meet you everyday if I could,” he said.

“So meet me again tomorrow night.”

“Yeah?”

“Don’t seem so surprised. I want to have dinner with you. No, scratch that, I want to cook dinner for you. At my apartment.”

His mouth parted into a pleasant smile for a moment until he realized what I was hinting at, then the smile faded into an uncertain expression that held fear in his eyes.

“I want you to meet my father,” I said.

“I thought you said you wanted to move slow,” he said, his voice a gravelly mix of doubt.

“I need you to do this for me, Nicholas. In all the years we’ve known each other, you’ve never once met him, even when we were kids. Maybe if you see the man he is now, it’ll help you to get over the man he once was.”

“Do you really forgive him for everything?”

“I do. I haven’t forgotten it, though. Every bruise, every welt, every broken bone…I remember everything, but in forgiveness I’ve found acceptance, and maybe you can, too.”

He sighed, running his hands along his stubble. My eyes stayed fixed on his, trying to see inside his head as his mind turned everything over. I didn’t want him to say no, so I sweetened the deal.

“Carter will be there, if that makes you feel any better. I think he has a bit of a crush on you.”

That made Nicholas laugh. A genuine, heartfelt laugh that gave me a glimpse into his soul. Into the kind of person he still was, and I knew that for all his anger, there was someone wonderful underneath it just waiting to come out.

“Don’t tell him I said so, but I kind of like him too,” he winked.

I wrapped my arms around him, drawing him close. He held me, his chin resting in the crook of my neck with his hands placed softly on my lower back.

“I’m so afraid I’ll disappoint you,” he whispered.

I held him tighter, fighting back the tears. I didn’t want to cry, but damn if he didn’t make me feel like the most wanted girl in the world, and it’d been a long time since I felt even remotely like someone wanted to be close to me.

“Its okay,” I said. “Just be the best you that you can be and we’ll be okay.”

“I’ll always try and be the best for you, Sarah.”

“Prove it,” I said.

He nodded and I closed my eyes, pressing myself against him for what I hoped wouldn’t be the last time.

* * *

The smell of lasagna permeated the apartment as it cooled on the stove. The garlic bread was in the oven, and the Italian cream cake cupcakes Carter brought were resting comfortably on the counter while I fluttered about nervously making sure every napkin was in place, and every fork was free of water spots.

“You’re going to rub the silver right off that silverware,” Carter said.

“I know, I know, I can’t help it.”

“You need to calm yourself,” he took me by the shoulders and forced me to look at him. He gave me a goofy, lopsided grin, and laughed. “It’s going to be fine, and if it’s not, I’ll slap some sense into your boy faster that you can say ‘pass the Parmesan.’”

“You think so?”

“I know so. Just relax. Look at your dad out there, he’s relaxed.”

I glanced over my shoulder into the living room. Dad was on the couch, sitting straight with his hands on his knees, rubbing them gently. Carter may have seen that as relaxed, but all I saw was that dad was just as nervous as I was, only he was doing a better job of keeping it concealed.

A knock at the door startled me and I yelped, covering my mouth in surprise. “He’s here,” I whispered ominously.

“I see dead people,” Carter replied, patting me on the back. “I’ll get the door, you chew some valerian root and calm down.”

I watched nervously while he went and welcomed Nicholas into the apartment, playfully pretending like he was going to slap him. Nicholas smiled, and my heart fluttered when Carter stepped out of the way and I could see all of him.

He wore a pair of black dress pants and a dark blue button up silk shirt that accentuated every muscle in his upper body. His hair was an organized mess that I wanted to rest in my lap so I could run my fingers through it over and over.

Or maybe between my legs.

He presented Carter with a bottle of wine, and looked to the kitchen to see me watching. His smile widened even further and I thought out of all the smiles I’d ever seen, his was the cutest.

Carted began to lead him toward me, and then my father stood up, blocking their path through the living room.

Nicholas towered over my dad, looking down into his eyes with his jaw clenched and broad shoulders squared. I looked on with nervous anticipation, wondering for a moment if it was too good to be true, and that perhaps the only reason he accepted my dinner invitation was so that he could look into the eyes of the man who’d done me wrong before beating the shit out of him.

Carter glanced at me, obviously rattled by the sudden stare down. I couldn’t see my dad’s face, but I suspected it was just as stone cold as Nicholas’s was, and I half expected Carter to step between them to ward off the onslaught of blows I thought for sure were about to be thrown.

And then Nicholas extended his hand.

It happened so fast I winced and recoiled, thinking it was going to be a punch. When I saw that it wasn’t, that he had his hand raised in a gesture of good will, my eyes moistened as his words from the previous day replayed in my mind.

I’ll always try and be the best for you, Sarah.

I choked back a sob and watched as my father took Nicholas’s hand in his and the two men shook. Even Carter was visibly relived, patting his beating heart in dramatic fashion.

Nicholas didn’t smile, and he didn’t offer any sort of cheerful greeting, but it was a start, and when they parted and he made his way into the kitchen I immediately scooped him into my arms and whispered a heartfelt thank you into his ear. He kissed me on the cheek and pulled away, looking at me with a heavy heart.

“That was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do,” which was quickly followed by, “and damn do you ever look good.”

“Want some wine?” I smiled.

“I don’t think I’ve ever wanted a glass of wine this badly in my life,” he gasped.

“Coming right up, and by the way, you don’t look so bad yourself.”

We both laughed and Nicholas leaned up against the sink, watching me while I grabbed a couple of glasses from the table and poured us a drink. I felt his eyes on me with each movement I made in the sleeveless red dress I wore. It made my skin tingle, knowing he was looking at me that way, perhaps even quietly undressing me.

I handed him his wine and raised my glass. “What should we toast to?”

He thought about it for a moment, never taking his eyes off me, and said, “To us, Sarah.”

Us.
I liked the sound of that.

“Are you two drinking without me?” Carter asked, coming up behind us.

Dad followed him into the kitchen, glancing at me briefly before saying, “Dinner smells delicious, honey.”

Nicholas stiffened at his presence, and I placed a calming hand on his arm. He didn’t pull away, nor did he look at my father with disdain, but instead asked, “Would you like a glass of wine, Mr. Danniels?”