Saint And Sinners (109 page)

Xenia’s face burned with the effort of controlling her laughter. She waited a moment
or two while the crowd settled and the music finally waned.

“And on that note, goodnight! Just kidding!” She cackled, causing many others to do
the same. She took a deep dramatic breath, peered down at her shoes as if she were
about to click them three times, then turned back towards the audience. “…And that
is exactly how he acts, all the time. That was not a show, ladies. My husband is a
certified nut.”

Traci and Jagger clapped in the front row, causing Saint to leer at them and pockets
of laughter to burst through out the vast audience.

“Okay, so anyway, where was I?”

“Cookies!” someone screamed out, causing more commotion.

“Yes.” Xenia nodded proudly. “Strawberry cookies…mmmm, mmmm. No, I was actually speaking
of dealing directly with myself, and being truthful with ourselves as women.” She
paused, looking reflective. “You see, there is safety in numbers. In the human condition,
we seek acknowledgement and protection. I see it every day in the world, in my family,
and at my job. It doesn’t matter the gender, the socio-economic status, the religion,
race or ethnicity—we all want to fit in, be included on some level, even if it is
fitting in with a bunch of outcasts…we want to belong. Once we as women truly love
ourselves, we understand that our love is too big to be contained. There isn’t one
person or thing that can have all of our attention, because women, we are the mothers
of the Earth. We love big! We can have one child or twenty, and that same good mother
will not love one over the other. She may enjoy the company of one over the other
though,” Xenia said. “But her love? Mmmm hmmm.” She shook her head. “It’s for
all
of them. I realized after my husband let me know he was interested in getting to
know me, that not only did I have a physical attraction to this man, I had a spiritual
one, too. It was almost as if my very own soul was saying, ‘Girl, if you don’t want
’im, leave me here and you can go on!” More laughter ensued.

“It’s true, you know?” She paced the stage. “It was a whirlwind. So many people said
it wouldn’t last, but here we are, over ten years later, solid as rock!” She stomped
her foot, urging more women to follow suit and applaud. “Now, essentially, Saint really
was
my first. He was my first Rainbeau… A kiss for cookies doesn’t really count,” She
smirked and winked at him. “There was just something about him, ladies. He was smooooth.”
She chuckled. “But…he was sincere, and that’s a deadly combination. We laugh together.
We cry together. We build our lives, brick by brick, around one another. We are independent,
yet intertwined. When he hurts, I hurt, too. When he’s excited and happy, so am I.
I can say I truly have a wonderful man, but you know what? That doesn’t mean we don’t
get challenged. That doesn’t mean we always agree. That doesn’t mean some nights we’d
prefer to go to bed not speaking…but we don’t do that, because we know tomorrow is
not promised. So through gritted teeth, we’ll bite the bullet and say, ‘I love you.’”
Several soft laughs rolled throughout the place.

“And that’s important. I never take one day for granted with him. Once I left the
gang, the gang mentality, and stopped fighting the two dueling gangs within me, as
well as released myself from the self-imposed curse, I could finally see what I’d
been blind to for so long! Just because I love this man,” she said, pointing out towards
Saint, “doesn’t mean I’m less black. Just because my father wasn’t there for me doesn’t
mean I’m lashing out. Just because I married my husband doesn’t mean I hate black
men! You see, that’s the overwhelming pressure that we have on our shoulders! So many
of you love Rainbeaus. You read books about Rainbeaus, you watch movies about Rainbeaus,
you listen to songs about Rainbeaus and yet, you won’t step a bit farther out into
the open, into the light of day, after the storm, look up at the sky and declare to
the world, ‘I want one, too!’ Saying you love the brilliant colors of the world doesn’t
mean you no longer cherish the shade of black! Where is this tit for tat coming from?
One for the other? Where is this fear coming from? It is coming from the gang! The
gang out
there
!” She pointed towards the audience. “And the gang in
here
!” She pointed towards her heart and skull.

“It’s time to leave…it’s time to let it go and never look back. Black women, we’ve
shouldered so much weight of the world, we’re now humpbacked. And you know what we’re
told? We still…didn’t…do…enough. We have one foot in, and one foot out. Afraid. Even
after I made the decision to be with Saint and forsake all of that, I still had these
old tapes in my mind.” She moved her finger in a circular motion by her temple, like
an old movie reel, playing the flick. “Sometimes I’d look at my husband, especially
after we had a disagreement of some sort and I’d think, ‘He can’t really understand
me. We’re from two different worlds.’ This would happen in our first year of marriage,
but I never told him. I was still afraid.” She shook her head.

“What’s funny is, we marry black men all the time, and many times our black husbands
don’t understand us one iota!” This caused a few chuckles.

“It’s true and you know it. Some of it isn’t a race thing at all; it’s just a woman
and man thing. When I dated black men, I cannot tell you how many times I was called
strange, odd, or whatever for listening to anything other than R&B and rap. People
in our community may call us ‘uppity’ because we want to move out of the hood, get
an education. Many of you have heard it!” She noticed many heads nodding in agreement.
“Yet, that’s alright, huh? We stick out
those
destructive friendships. We make
those
relationships work! Some of us are afraid that, if we cross the street and smell
the flowers of another garden, we can never go back to the garden we tended to in
the first place. Let me tell you something—that is nothing more than mind games and
manipulation.

“Certain people in Blackistan want you to believe that. They scream, and pardon my
language, I am not my husband, but I must quote it correctly…” she said, grinning.
‘If you a fuck a white dude, you can never come back to us! We don’t want you!’ Inferring
that you’re contaminated…” She shook her head and continued to pace. “That wasn’t
a rose that was talking to you, Queen…that was a weed.”

Laughter and applause broke out.

“If you are dating a white man, that relationship does not pan out, then date a black
man, you are
not
contaminated! You are making choices based on the man, not his race! Furthermore,
did we tell that
same
weed that when he went out and gave Becky his magic, midnight stick that he could
no longer venture into our side of the universe? No! Those same weeds have been popping
up in everyone’s garden since segregation was outlawed! We, black Queens, are the
last to travel outside of our comfort zone. We’ve been in our own gardens the very
longest, tending to the soil.” She slowly dropped to her knees, pretending to toil
and move about dirt on the stage. “We’ve been nurturing the fatherless seeds! We’ve
been treating the damn weeds like calla lilies and lotus plants! We allow the weeds
to tell us that they are not a dandelion, even though they look and smell like one!
We let them convince us that the curse is alive and breathing, not a figment of our
imagination!” She looked up from the ground into the audience, her face stiff with
pain.

“We let the weeds call us bitches, whores, hoes, sluts, cunts, and we take it while
they strangle the daylights out of us! We stay in that garden with the dried up soil,
ladies! We stay and keep watering the damn weeds! Why?! You must nourish, cultivate
and love those that nourish, cultivate and love you! Weeds don’t love nobody! Weeds
do
nothing
but destroy all that is beautiful and good. This is a simple truth. You don’t have
to be a horticulture expert to know this. The turf that you once protected so hard,
that little slab of nothing, is all dried up and withered. Your gang affiliation means
nothing! If you were jumped in, you better jump your ass back out!”

Saint grinned and broke out in applause.

“If you had to beat someone else down to get in, you better go apologize and make
amends. If you had to kill someone to make it through, go make peace with that family
because it is time…that you…walk away.

“Weeds are persistent and consistent. So ladies, I’d like to wrap this up by explaining
to you how to walk away from the garden of deception… To successfully control the
weeds in your garden, that is, the people that try to hold you back from believing
that you are wonderfully made and can partake in all that nature has to offer, you
must first be able to identify them. Weeds come in all shapes and sizes, but they
more times than not, blend into your garden rather nicely until you take a closer
look. Some weeds only come out during certain seasons. Usually these seasons are the
ones when you are doing better in life. When things are going well for you, and you
are getting the strength to fly the coop, they burst forward, declaring all the foolishness
they have to say.

“Weeds only grow if they are being fertilized and the soil is at least semi-substantial.
That means they need you in order to thrive. Refuse to water them with your constant
presence and not sticking up for yourself. In other words, weeds need attention. With
no ear to listen to their rhetoric, and no one standing there to manipulate, they
will weaken and die. Weeds must be cut short, chopped at the ground level! Once they
get started, do not even give them an inch, a moment of your day. Like all things,
they get stronger and more radical over time. Do not let them germinate.

“Lastly, once you’ve made peace with the weeds that tried to hold you back, you must
turn away and go live your life. Do not regret leaving a garden that gives you nothing
but dried up promises. Do not feel guilty for finally taking care of yourself and
starting afresh. Do not feel badly for stepping out on faith. Rainbeaus and Queens
are the epitome of the true love story of this world in modern day times. You may
ask why I say that. Well…” She shrugged. “Because we are fighting against all odds.
Did you know, statistically speaking, we have longest lasting marriages, Queens?”

Some surprised faces popped in the crowd.

“It’s because we had to work so damn hard to get here! It’s more difficult to throw
in the towel when you’ve worked so hard to get in the shower, clean up and get your
fresh start in the first damn place!”

The crowd burst out in applause.

“We are the last to plant our own gardens, but not the weakest! We are the most loyal,
but not gluttons for abuse! We are the thickest skinned, but we are
still
women! We LOVE! We LOVE hard! We love strong! We deserve love back! We demand love
back! STAND UP!” She rose from the ground like a phoenix with her arms extended towards
the sky. “I said, STAND UP, and say out loud, ‘I will plant my new garden inside hearts
of gold, for I am a Queen, I am a Goddess and e
veryone that breaths and is living is
from
my
womb, the womb of Africa, the cradle of civilization; and
everything
I
love
that loves me back all sprouts, grows and rises to the highest of heights, right
under the blazing sun that gives us life and the promise of a new day.” She raised
her arms up high, her voice rising higher and higher.

“And the rain that falls feeds us all. It is nourishment; it is happy tears of the
fresh start you’ve given yourself. Those raindrops, that flood of love, are falling
atop your head, blessing and baptizing you as an act of good faith, for a job well
done, for no
longer
being in the gang! You are now your own person; you are a leader,
not
a follower! You are no longer fighting within yourself for turf that is no longer
yours and really
never
was, and for crossing the street, evicting yourself from Blackistan to see
all
that our God has to offer. Life is so much bigger than Piru, baby!” Her voice shook
as tears fell down her face. “The world is so much larger than the place from which
we grew up and the tiny things that we know!

“If you step out, if you move forward and get out of your own damn way, all of that
rain that flooded your life, you’d see was no flood at all. It simply washed that
fear away, Queens. And for trusting yourself, and believing what God promised you,
you WILL be rewarded. Your reward once you look back up into the sky after tending
to your garden is a job well done and the opportunity for new experiences! It is the
multi-colors of the magnificent Rainbeau that shouts down to you, the words that you
need to hear, at just the right time. And those words are, ‘Thank you, Goddess, for
loving me back!!!”

The crowd went wild, frenzied, insane. Sparkling, gold confetti stormed from the rafters,
coating Xenia in its mist! She drowned in the moment; her eyes swelled with fresh,
happy tears. Before she could fully grasp the happiness within her, long, strong arms
wrapped around her waist and a familiar pair of lips kissed her hard against the cheek.
It was her Beloved. She looked into his eyes, and saw them sparkle. She couldn’t hear
a word he said, but he mouthed it real slow so that this time, she could catch it…

“I…LOVE…YOU…SO MUCH, BABY! XENIA, THANK YOU, FOR LOVING ME BACK!”

*