Safe Word (9 page)

“You’re awfully quiet.  Talk to me!  How do you feel about what we did today?” Zane asked Melody as they drove home from the city.  “Did you like it when I grabbed you – when I
groped
you – in public?”

“Yes,” she said, blushing.

“Mmhmm, I thought you liked that,” he winked, sounding pleased by her admission.  “And how about our playing in the car on the way up here?” he asked excitedly.  “Did you like that, too?”

Melody hesitated. 

Truthfully she was slightly disappointed Zane was keeping his hands to himself on the ride home, although maybe it was for the best.  She didn’t know how much more teasing she could take!  Trying to ignore the craving in the pit of her belly, she admitted, “I mostly liked it, but I was nervous.”

“Nervous isn’t always a bad thing,” he pointed out, sounding confident and wise.  “The whole point of all this is for me to figure out what your limits are.  We’re going to be trying a lot of new things over the next little while, Melody.”

Even though the announcement came as no surprise, Zane’s words made Melody shiver in delight.  “Are we?” she asked innocently, just wanting to hear him talk about it some more.

“Mmhmm, we sure are.”

“I like that!”

“You might like it now.  I’m not so sure you’ll always like it later on, but we’ll see.  Once I get a better sense of your likes and dislikes, I’m going to do my damnedest to push you to your limits.  But I’ll never push you
past
them,” he vowed.

“How can you be sure you won’t?” she asked nervously. 

Suddenly her eagerness had turned to apprehension, especially since she had no idea what Zane had in mind.  She understood his reasons for operating this way.  He was right that she lacked the experience to really tell him her limits, and she appreciated that he was taking full control.  Even so, it was scary sometimes.

“It might be a bit of a guessing game, especially in the beginning,” he admitted.  “But as your Dom it’s my job to pay very close attention to your body language and reactions.  You need to talk to me and let me know how you’re feeling.  And, should I ever misjudge your limits, that’s what your safe word is for,” he reminded her.

“The way you talk, it sounds like you’ve had
a lot
of experience with this,” Melody observed.

“Well I kind of have, I guess.”

“Oh?”

“I was sort of late bloomer,” Zane confessed, sounding embarrassed.  “That Halloween kiss you and I had way back when we were practically still kids?  That was about the only action I had until I was almost twenty.”

“Ha ha, very funny,” she retorted sarcastically, assuming he was playing around.

“I’m serious.”

Melody was shocked by that, especially considering how completely gorgeous he was!  “What?!” she demanded, even though she herself had been in her freshman year of college before she had lost her virginity.  But still, Zane was Zane! 
That
was what made his admission so shocking!

“When I was almost twenty, I met an older woman,” he explained.  “She was kinky as hell.”

“So you went from zero to one hundred right away?” Melody teased.

“More like zero to one thousand,” he laughed.  “She taught me a lot about what I liked and how to do it safely.  She even took me to my first kink party, and introduced me to an entire group of people with similar interests.  My relationship with her was short-lived, but that was the start of many years playing at the dungeon.”

“Dungeon...?” Melody asked, taken aback.

“It was a place downtown where a lot of us hung out.  It was a judgment-free, almost anything goes sort of spot,” Zane replied.  “I learned a ton there and met a lot of play partners over the years.  I even dipped my toes into the scene in Australia, when I was over there.  But then one day I stopped by a coffee shop, met a beautiful blonde woman and that all ended.”

“You’re talking about your ex?” Melody guessed, feeling a twinge of jealousy.

“Yes.  Alexandra.”  Zane sounded nostalgic when he said her name. 

Melody immediately – and for no real reason – thought to herself that she
despised
the name Alexandra.  But she kept her mouth shut because what was she going to do, announce it to Zane?  She knew she was being silly.  She just didn’t know what to do about it.

“I was so head over heels that I would have done anything to be with her,” Zane confided. “I tried to change everything for her.  I tried to change who I was.  But it didn’t work.  Anyway,” he said, clearing his throat, “I haven’t been to a dungeon, kink party or sex club since before I met her.”

“Why haven’t you?”

He hesitated for a moment, and then admitted, “I hadn’t known what I was missing until I met Alexandra.  What we had was so different from anything I had experienced before.  With all my previous partners, the sex – the
kink
– was at the forefront of our relationships...if you can even call them relationships.  But with Alexandra, well...”

He trailed off, seemingly unwilling to go down that path.

But Melody had a feeling she knew exactly what he was talking about.  “You were in love.”  She tried to say it without an edge in her voice, not wanting him to think she was accusing him of doing something despicable.  She wasn’t sure whether she completely succeeded.

“Yeah,” he agreed begrudgingly, almost as though he hated to admit it even to himself.  “I was.”

“Did she love you?”

“For a time,” he nodded.  “Until she found out what I was.”

“What were you?”

“A twisted, perverted sexual deviant,” he replied with a touch of bitterness. 

“Is that so bad?” Melody pointed out with a smile.  “I happen to think it’s pretty awesome.”

He chuckled then, but it sounded forced, like he was still completely hung up on the thought of his first – and only – love.  “I’m glad you think so,” he told her.  “But it’s a bit different when the love of your life is looking at you like you’re a sick monster she doesn’t even recognize.  That shit hurts.”

“What happened to accepting your partner?” Melody asked, unable to hide her dislike for stupid, judgmental, prudish Alexandra.  How dare she break Zane’s heart?  How dare that bitch win his heart in the first place!

“It wasn’t Alexandra’s fault,” Zane said quickly, immediately coming to his ex-girlfriend’s defence.  “Like I think I mentioned before, she had a strict upbringing and was very naive, very sheltered.  She was completely, undeniably vanilla.”

“Sounds boring,” Melody muttered under her breath, rolling her eyes.  She didn’t know where all that negativity had come from, but now that it had worked its way to the surface she couldn’t seem to box it back up.  It felt nice to get it out, so for good measure Melody added, “I bet you dodged a bullet with that one.”

“She was an incredibly sweet girl,” Zane insisted, unwilling or perhaps unable to let Melody speak ill of Alexandra.  “She was everything to me.  She was my whole world.”

Melody stared out the window, pretending the revelation didn’t bother her.  It was completely irrational for her to be jealous, wasn’t it?  Of course a man like Zane had been in love.  It wasn’t surprising.  And yet it kind of came as a shock.  It felt like she had been stabbed in the belly – or maybe in the heart.

“What about you?” Zane asked after they had driven in silence for a while.

“Huh?”

“Have you ever been in love?”

“Oh.”  At that moment Melody wished she could say yes.  Maybe that was dumb, but she wanted to be able to tell a love story as passionate and heartfelt as Zane’s.  But she had no such story, nor was she any good at thinking up fibs on the spot.  So she shrugged and mumbled, “I don’t know, not really.”

“Being in love isn’t exactly something a person can do halfway.  Either you have been in love or you haven’t,” Zane pointed out sensibly.  “So which is it?”

“I’m not sure,” she told him, furrowing her brow and pretending to be deep in thought.

She was trying to make it sound like she may have had a fervent, frenzied rendezvous or two as opposed to a string of so-so dates with a number of mediocre, unremarkable guys.  But Zane wasn’t buying it.

“If you had been in love, you wouldn’t have to think about it,” he informed her.  “You’d know.”

“Is that so?” she asked coyly.

“Yes.”

Dammit.  He knew her too well.  So much for trying to create an air of mystery...

“I guess I’ve just never met the right guy,” Melody admitted.  “Not every date has been awful, but there haven’t really been fireworks either.  Maybe it’s my fault for expecting fireworks.  Maybe the dates I’ve been on with the guys I’ve been involved with are as good as it gets.  Maybe my expectations are too high.”

“No.  There should be fireworks,” Zane told her firmly.  “Hold out for fireworks.”

“Okay, I will,” Melody breathed, suddenly very aware that he was looking at her.  She turned to meet his gaze and for a moment, she thought they were going to kiss.  Hell, she was even foolish and idealistic enough to think maybe they would even create some fireworks of their own.

Instead, Zane added, “And while you wait for your fireworks, you and I will have some fun.”

Her heart sank.  “Yeah, okay, great,” she replied, crestfallen. 

Who was she kidding?  Zane didn’t see her as a romantic partner.  He only viewed her as someone to have hot, kinky sex with...or at least engage in hot, kinky sex
acts
with.  She was no different than the women he’d met at kink parties, replaceable and good for only one thing.  It wasn’t that he had led her on, exactly, but Melody couldn’t help but feel used. 

“You’ve gone quiet again,” he observed a short while later, his tone upbeat.  For someone who normally seemed so in tune with what Melody was thinking and feeling, Zane seemed oblivious to the angry black storm cloud that had suddenly rolled in over her head, darkening her whole world.  “Is everything okay over there?”

“Yeah, I’m just...tired,” Melody fibbed.  “I think I need to take a nap when we get home,” she added, making it clear that she had no intention of playing when they arrived back at the condo.  Then she leaned her head against the car window and pretended to drift off to sleep so that she wouldn’t have to talk to or even look at Zane.

There was a gentle knock on Melody’s bedroom door the next morning.  It roused her from a weird dream she’d been having, and she was none too happy about it. 

Her grumpiness had nothing to do with waking up on the wrong side of the bed and everything to do with being back to sleeping in her own bed. 

It had been her decision.  She was the one who had pretended to be under the weather, faking a cough to avoid having to spend any time with Zane – funny how only a day prior she had been
thrilled
about spending time with him.

Melody was still reeling from the harsh kick in the butt she’d received the previous day.  It was her fault, of course.  Zane had never promised her a relationship or romance.  He had essentially promised her a good time – no strings attached, wild kink.  Everything else, Melody had dreamed up herself.

She knew it wasn’t fair to punish Zane for her disappointment.  He had done nothing wrong.  And yet she couldn’t control her emotions.  In the span of a single weekend, she’d gone from hopeless to thinking she had a chance with her best friend...and then back to hopeless.  What a rollercoaster ride it had been.

There was another rap on the door, this time more insistent. 

Grumbling under her breath, Melody climbed out of bed, readjusted the oversized t-shirt she had gone to sleep in and stomped over to the door. 

“What?” she demanded as she flung it open and came face-to-face with Zane.  Well, she came face-to-face with Zane and a tray of food.  Melody stared at it in confusion.  “What’s all this?”

“You said you weren’t feeling well last night, so I thought I’d bring you breakfast,” he told her as he walked past her and set the tray down at the foot of her bed.  “Except I wasn’t sure what was wrong so I tried to cover all my bases.”

Melody sat down on her bed and studied the contents of the tray with a touch of amusement.  There was a glass of ginger ale, toast with honey, a lemon, a clove of garlic, a bowl of chicken noodle soup, a rapidly melting Popsicle and some ginger tea.  All of those made sense, but the cold lasagne threw her for a loop. 

She looked at Zane questioningly.

“Cold lasagne is your favorite, isn’t it?” he asked, understanding her question without her even having to voice it.  “I’ve seen you eat the leftovers straight out of the fridge without heating them up or anything...”

“Hmm yeah, I guess cold leftover lasagne
is
my favorite,” she agreed, unable to hide her surprise.  Had someone asked her what her favorite food was she probably would have automatically responded with something cliché like pizza, but Zane was right.  He knew her favorites even better than she did, it seemed.

“Try it,” he urged.

Zane looked on anxiously as she took a bite of the gooey cheesy goodness.  “It’s delicious,” she told him earnestly, her mouth still full.  “Thank you.  But uh, how did you get your hands on leftover lasagne?  I haven’t made lasagne in ages, and this doesn’t taste like store bought.”

“I got up in the middle of the night and made it fresh,” Zane replied.  “That way it would be ready – and nice and cold – by the time you woke up.”

“That...was really thoughtful,” Melody told him, touched that he would go to all that trouble.

He looked embarrassed.  “How are you feeling?”

It was her turn to look embarrassed.  “Oh, I’m...better,” she told him, afraid she’d get caught in her little white lie.  “But seriously, thanks for all this.  You’re going to have to help me eat it, though,” she informed him. 

He sat on the opposite side of the bed and picked up the Popsicle.  She couldn’t help but sneak a peek at him out of the corner of her eye as he licked it.  And she couldn’t help but imagine his tongue doing similar things in very different places...

“So you’re all better?” he asked hopefully.

“Yeah,” she nodded.  “I guess I was just tired.”

“That’s good to hear.  So...are you up for playing today, then?”

Melody hesitated.  “Maybe I’m not
completely
better,” she corrected herself, unsure of what else to say.  “Maybe I should take it easy today to make sure the germs are actually gone,” she added lamely, feeling like the world’s biggest faker.  “Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize, your health comes first,” Zane assured her, not appearing the least bit upset.  “How about we just hang out and watch some movies today?  I’ll order us takeout from that new Chinese place we’ve been meaning to try.”

Did he really have to be so sweet?  Melody wanted to turn Zane’s invitation down.  She felt like she needed her space.  But she also felt bad about lying and since he was going out of his way to look after her, she didn’t know how to say no. 

And that was how Melody ended up spending her entire Sunday curled up under a blanket on the couch with Zane.  They watched a couple of movies, and then, after pigging out on Chinese takeout, started binge watching a crime drama they both liked.

Melody’s best friend was back.  But she wasn’t foolish enough to think they could undo what they had done...nor was she sure she wanted to.  She wasn’t sure of anything except that Zane kept watching
her
instead of the television screen.  And the only way she knew that was because she kept sneaking glances at him, too. 

The whole thing felt so weird.  On the one hand, it was nice to hang out again.  Back when she had thought she had no chance with Zane, their friendship had been relatively uncomplicated.  But with just one kiss (well, and a whole lot more), everything had changed.  Melody would never be able to look at Zane again without thinking about all the things he had done to her.

Maybe she would never be able to look at him again without getting turned on, either.

To try to put her racing mind – and racing pulse – at ease, Melody matched Zane beer for beer.  That was really saying something, because if there was one thing Zane was good at, it was downing beers.  After a while he began looking surprised every time she cracked open another cold one.

Melody knew she should slow down.  Actually, what she needed to do was stop.  She was drinking way more than she was used to, but at least now that her head was spinning and her spirits were high, her problems seemed light years away. 

So she kept drinking.

She was on a mission.  She was going to get sloppy drunk.  Hell, she was going to get fall-on-your-face shitfaced.  And she didn’t care.  Normally that was something she tried to avoid, figuring she was too mature for the kind of behavior one is expected to get out of one’s system in college.  But screw that.

She needed this.

“Empty!” Melody announced, holding up her beer bottle triumphantly.

“Wow, I’ve never seen you throw them back like this,” Zane told her as he nursed his own beer.

“Keep up, slowpoke!” she slurred, feeling warm and flushed and giddy.

“Oh, was this supposed to be a race?  Okay fine, I guess you beat me then,” Zane replied as he watched Melody carefully.  “Good work, champ,” he added although there wasn’t much sincerity in his voice when he said it.

Even though he’d had quite a few beers of his own, he was a lot bigger than Melody.  Plus he was a frequent drinker, so the alcohol had less of an effect on him than it did on her.  As a result, he remained in full control of his faculties.  Melody, on the other hand...well, she wasn’t.

“I want another one,” she announced.

Zane hesitated.  “Are you sure?”

“What are you, my mother?  Yes I’m sure!”

“How about we split one?” he suggested, trying to compromise.

“How about I split
you
?” Melody crowed.  She didn’t quite know what that meant, but it had seemed clever right up until the point where it came out of her mouth.  Dizzy and happy, she collapsed in a fit of giggles.

Zane didn’t join in her laughter.  He got up and dutifully retrieved a beer from the kitchen, but after cracking it open he didn’t offer it to her.  Instead, he sat on the edge of the couch and looked at Melody, an expression of concern on his face.

“Why so serious?” she asked once her laughter had subsided.

“I guess I’m just tired,” Zane replied even though he didn’t look particularly tired.  “How about we call it a night?” he suggested, picking up the remote control and switching the television off.

“Hey, I was watching that!” Melody protested, even though she hadn’t really been paying any attention at all to the television for the past hour or two.

“It’s bedtime.”

“Ooh, you said that so sternly!” she chortled.  “Yes sir!”  Melody was completely out of control now.  Even though it made no sense to instigate exactly what she had been hell bent on escaping in the first place, Melody got up and clumsily sat on Zane’s knee.

She grabbed his face between her hands, squishing his cheeks.  Then she kissed him hard, a sloppy, drunken kiss with plenty of tongue action.  “Let’s go to bed!” she told him in a sultry voice, practically draping herself over him.

He wrapped his arms around her and stood up.  Then, with ease, he carried her into her bedroom.

“What, we’re not doing it in your bedroom?” she asked, her vision blurred and her limbs a bit on the floppy side.  “Okay, fine, we’ll do it in my room tonight.  How about we do it in every room?  That could be fun, huh?  Are you finally going to put it in me tonight?” she demanded before letting out a loud hiccup.

“We’re not having sex tonight,” he told her as he laid her down on her bed.  “Go to sleep.”

“But I want you!” she whined shamelessly, reaching out for him. 

He leaned in, allowing her to wrap her arms – and legs – around his torso in a giant, clingy bear hug.  He hugged her back briefly and then planted a tender, sweet kiss on her cheek right next to her ear.  “Get some rest,” he whispered.  “There will be plenty of time to play later.”

“But I want it now!” she insisted. 

It took Zane a moment to disentangle himself from Melody’s limbs.  He was gentle and patient as he pried her off of him, but he also made it clear he wasn’t going to be talked into having sex that night.  “You’re too drunk to play tonight,” he told her firmly.

“Will you at least stay with me while I fall asleep?” she asked, suddenly not wanting him to leave.  “Can we cuddle?  Please?”

“Sure,” he agreed, sliding into bed beside her.

Immediately, Melody turned around and began to passionately kiss him.  She wasn’t trying to be a jerk.  She was just very, very intoxicated.  And it seemed like a good idea at the time to go at him like a nymphomaniac until he began to return her advances.

“Stop it.”  His tone wasn’t unkind, but he also said the words like he meant them.

Melody stopped.  “You’re serious?” she asked.

“Yes.  Now go to sleep,” he told her, wrapping an arm around her.  “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.”

Melody laid there in the dark for a few minutes, just staring straight ahead into the shadows.  She liked the way Zane’s breathing was rhythmic, predictable.  She tried to match her own breaths to his, thinking that would somehow make the whole thing more intimate.

She wished he would kiss her again. 

She wanted to kiss him again, but she didn’t dare.

Or did she?

Melody propped herself up on her elbow and stared down at Zane’s perfect, gorgeous face.  She longed to reach out and stroke it – or sit on it – but she did neither.  Instead, she simply stared, admiring and contemplating whether it would be inappropriate to kiss him again when he was trying to sleep.

He cracked an eye open then and caught her gazing at him.

“Yes?” he asked, a small smile playing over the corners of his very kissable mouth.

“Hi,” she told him.

He chuckled.  “Hi.”

“Are you mad at me?” she asked, making a drunken pouty face.

“What?  No, of course not,” he assured her.  “We’re good.”

He was so incredible!  Melody had been acting like an idiot, she decided.  Actually, what she’d been acting like lately was a jealous, insecure girlfriend.  And she wasn’t Zane’s girlfriend...was she?  No, probably not.  But maybe that was okay, because she still got to do wild sexy kinky things with him and it was so exciting!

“Do you like kissing me?” she demanded.

He smirked.  “Isn’t it obvious?  I like kissing you very much.”

“Good, because I’m going to kiss you now,” she announced, leaning in.

Then she abruptly stopped, only inches from his face.

“Oh God!” she gasped.

“What is it?” he asked.

“I’m – I’m gonna hurl!” Melody screeched, bolting from the bed and managing to run right into the wall.  “Ouch!” she complained as she hit the wall hard and went down, still gagging as the contents of her stomach threatened to come back up.

Zane was at her side in a flash.  He expertly got her back on her feet and guided her into the bathroom.  He even held her hair for her while she knelt in front of the toilet and paid dearly for drinking far too much beer.

It wasn’t exactly Melody’s finest moment, but she was too drunk and nauseas to be mortified.  Mortification could wait until the next morning when she woke up with a nasty hangover and a heavy feeling of shame hanging over her.