Safe Harbour (38 page)

They skied together on New Year's Day without ever talking about the night before. They just skied and chatted, and had fun together, and they spent the last night eating dinner with all the kids. Vanessa was going back to Auckland the next day, much to Matt's chagrin, but Matt was flying out to see her the following month. Pip and Ophélie were driving home in the morning, and the day after that, Pip had to go back to school. Robert had two more weeks' vacation, and was going to Heavenly to ski with friends. And Matt was going back to the beach. The vacation was over, but it had been a lovely week. Nothing had been resolved between Ophélie and Matt, but they both knew they were on no one's timetable but their own. And she knew without a doubt that if he had pushed her that night, or forced her, or been angry at her, even the hope of a romance between them would be gone. But Matt was far wiser than that, and he loved her more. They left each other the next morning with no promises, no certainties between them, only love and hope. It was far more than either of them had had when they met, and enough for both of them for now.

26

M
ATT STOPPED BY TO SEE
O
PHÉLIE AND
P
IP AFTER
dropping Vanessa off at the airport to go to Auckland. He was sad after leaving her, and grateful for a cup of tea before going back to his solitary life at the beach. He realized more than ever now that the life they had all shared for the past week was what he wanted. He was tired of his solitude. But for the moment, there was no other option. Ophélie was not ready for more than they had, which was friendship with a promise of future passion and romance. She was in no way ready for more than that yet. He had no other choice but to wait and see what happened between them, if anything ever did. And if it didn't, if she was never able to reach out to him, then at least he could be a friend to her and Pip. He knew that was a possibility too. There were no guarantees in life. They had all had ample proof of that.

He was pleased to see, as he walked into the house, that the portraits he had done of Pip and Chad were hung in the living room in a place of honor.

“They look beautiful, don't they?” She smiled proudly and thanked him again. “How was Vanessa before she left?” Ophélie had become extremely fond of her, and Robert too. Like their father, they were nice people, with good manners, good hearts, and good values. She truly liked them.

“Vanessa was sad to leave,” he answered Ophélie's question, and had to fight back the memory of the night he had spent with Ophélie naked in his bed. He wished she had been able to trust him, and could only hope it would come later, if they were lucky. “I'll see her in a few weeks. She loved you and Pip.”

“We loved her too,” Ophélie said gently. And when Pip went upstairs to do her homework, she looked at Matt sadly. “I'm sorry about what happened in Tahoe.” It was the first time either of them had mentioned it. He hadn't wanted to embarrass her by referring to it, nor to press her. He thought it was better left unspoken between them. “I shouldn't have done that. In French, you call that being an
allumeuse.
I think there's a much more unattractive word for it in English. But it's not a nice thing to be. I wasn't trying to tease you, or fool you. I think if anything, I fooled me. I thought I was ready, and I wasn't.”

He didn't like talking to her about it, he was afraid that even doing that would push her to extreme conclusions. And he didn't want to close any doors between them. He wanted to leave them wide open, and give her the chance to come through them when she was ready. Whenever that happened, if it did, he'd be waiting for her. And in the meantime, all he could do was love her as best he could, even if the relationship was limited. “You didn't fool anyone, Ophélie. Time is a funny thing. You can't define it, can't buy it, can't predict its effect on people. Some people need more, some less. Take whatever time you need.”

“And if I never get there?” she asked him sadly. She was afraid she might not. The depth of her fears, and their paralyzing effect, had frightened her.

“If you never get there, I love you anyway,” he assured her, which was all she needed to hear. As always, he made her feel safe, unpressured, unharried. Being with Matt was always like a long, peaceful walk on the beach. It rested her soul. “Don't torture yourself. You have enough other things to worry about. Don't add me to that list. I'm fine.” He smiled at her, and leaned across the table to kiss her on the lips, and she didn't resist. In fact, she welcomed it. In her heart of hearts, she loved him, she just didn't know what to do about it yet. If she loved anyone, and allowed herself to live again, she knew it would be Matt. But she recognized the possibility that Ted might have ended her life as a woman for good. He didn't deserve to have that power over her, but much as she hated to admit it to herself, he still did. He had destroyed some essential part of her she could no longer find or retrieve. Like a sock that had gotten lost. But the sock was filled with love and trust. And she had no idea where it was. Gone, it would seem. Ted had thrown it away. He hadn't even taken it with him. She kept wondering what she had meant to him, and if he had loved her when he died. Or ever. And she would never know the answers. All she had left now were the questions.

“What are you up to tonight?” Matt asked her before he left.

She started to tell him and then hesitated as their eyes met. From the look on her face he knew, and hated it.

“The outreach team?”

“Yes,” she said, putting their cups in the sink. She didn't want to argue about it with him.

“God, I wish you'd stop doing that. I don't know what it's going to take to convince you. One of these days, Ophélie, something terrible is going to happen. I just don't want it to happen to you. They've been lucky, but they can't be lucky forever. Your exposure is too great, and so is theirs. You're out there two nights a week. Sooner or later the odds will get you, if nothing else.”

“I'll be all right,” she tried to reassure him, but as always, he was unconvinced.

He left at five, and a few minutes later, Alice came to baby-sit for Pip. It was routine by now. Ophélie had been doing it since September, and she felt completely confident about it, unlike Matt, who had constant forebodings of disaster. But Ophélie didn't share them. She knew the team well, and how capable they were. They were always sensible and cautious. They were cowboys, as they said themselves, but cowboys who knew their way around the streets, and watched their backs, and hers. And she had grown skilled at what she was doing too. She was no longer an innocent on the streets.

By seven o'clock, she was in the van, with Bob driving, and Jeff and Millie in the other van. They had added more supplies for their route, a number of food items, more medical supplies, warm clothes, condoms, and there was a wholesaler donating down jackets to them regularly. The vans were loaded that night, and the night was bitter cold. Bob told her with a grin that she should have worn long johns.

“So how's by you?” he chatted amiably, as they always did. “How was Christmas?”

“Pretty good. The day was tough.” They had both been through it, and he nodded. “But we went to Tahoe the day after. We went skiing with friends. It was fun.”

“Yeah, we went up to Alpine last year too. I've got to get the kids up this year. It's expensive though.” It made her aware again of how lucky she was not to have those worries. He had three mouths to feed and very little money. But he did everything he could for his children. “How's your romance, by the way?” They shared a lot, driving around all night, and they had their kids and widowhood in common. They exchanged a lot of advice and information, and talked more than they would have in an office. This was no desk job.

“What romance?” She looked innocent, and he shoved her playfully.

“Don't give me that, you phony. Couple a months ago you had a twinkle in your eye. Looked like Cupid got you in the ass…so what happened?” He liked her. She was a good woman with a lot of heart, and from what he'd seen on the streets working with her, a lotta balls, as he'd often said to Jeff. She was afraid of almost nothing. She had never held back, never hung back, she was right out there, night after night, every week, helping with the others. And all three of the regulars loved her. “So what's with the romance?” he persisted. They had time to chat as they headed toward the Mission.

“I'm chicken. Sounds stupid, I guess. He's a wonderful man, and I love him, but I just can't, Bob. Or not yet at least. I think too much has happened.” There was no point explaining to him about Ted and Andrea's baby, or the horrifying things she had said about Ophélie and Chad in her letter, which implied that Ted agreed with her, that Ophélie was incompetent and had handled their mentally ill son abominably and was the cause of his problems. The sheer cruelty of it still killed her. She had even asked herself if what Andrea had said was true, and she had exacerbated Chad's problems. Even if she'd been manipulating Ted, maybe there was some truth to it. She had tortured herself endlessly over the letter and finally burned it, so Pip would never find it and read it, as she had.

“I know, I know. A lotta shit happened to me too, when my wife died. It's hard to believe now, but you get over it. Enough to put your life back together. And by the way.” He tried to look nonchalant as he glanced out the window and not at “Opie,” as they all called her. She had come to like it. “I'm getting married.” He dropped the bomb on her, and she cheered when she heard it.

“Good for you! That's terrific. What do your kids think?”

“They like her… they love her… they always did.” Ophélie knew his fiancée had been his wife's best friend, which seemed to be a familiar story among widowers. They married their late wives' sisters or best friends. It was familiar to them.

“When?” Ophélie was pleased for him.

“Ah shit, I dunno… she's never been married before, so she wants to make it a big deal. I just want to go down to City Hall and get it over with.”

“Don't be such a spoilsport. Enjoy it. Hopefully, you'll never get married again.”

“Yeah, I hope not. She's a good woman though, and kinda like my best friend.”

“That's the best way.” Like the way she was with Matt. It was just too bad that she couldn't get over her own terrors enough to have a real relationship with him. She almost envied Bob. But his wife had been gone longer than Ted. Maybe one day, she hoped, she could throw caution and terror to the winds, and do it.

They skirted the edges of the Mission after that, did their drop-offs in Hunters Point, and had no trouble at all. It reminded her of how unnecessary Matt's fears for her were when she was on the streets. She was completely relaxed, and joking with Millie and Jeff when they stopped for hot coffee and something to eat. It was freezing outside, and the people on the street were miserable, and grateful for everything they gave them.

“Man, it's coooolllldddd tonight,” Bob said as they drove off again. They covered the loading docks and the railroad tracks, the underpasses and the back alleys, as they always did. They worked Third, Fourth, Fifth, and Sixth Streets, although Bob said he never liked them. There were too many drug deals going down and people who could feel threatened by them, and thought they might interfere. It was never a good idea to interrupt business on the street. The people they wanted to reach were those who were simply trying to survive, not those who were preying on them. Sometimes the signals could get mixed. But Jeff liked that neighborhood, and he was right at times, there were huge numbers of homeless lying in the doorways and back alleys, under rags and tarps, and in the boxes they called “cribs.”

They cut into an alley called Jesse between Fifth and Sixth, because Millie told Jeff she saw a couple of people at the far end of it, and both of them hopped out. Bob and Ophélie waited, and figured with only a few people visible, the others could handle it, but Jeff signaled to them for sleeping bags and coats, which were stored in Bob and Ophélie's van. And she hopped out first.

“I'll get it,” she called back over her shoulder, and Bob hesitated, but she moved so fast, she was halfway down the alley with the bags and coats in her arms before Bob could get out.

“Hold on!” he shouted after her, and followed her, but the alley looked deserted, except for a crib at the far end. Jeff and Millie were already down there, and Ophélie had nearly reached them when a tall thin man stepped out of a doorway and grabbed her. Bob saw him reach for her, and started running toward them. The man was holding Ophélie by one arm, but oddly enough, she wasn't frightened. As she had learned to do instinctively, she looked him right in the eye, and smiled at him.

“Do you want a sleeping bag and a jacket?” She could tell he was high on something, speed probably, or crystal meth, but her firm gaze telegraphed to him that she wasn't afraid and meant him no harm.

“No, baby, I don't. What else you got? You got anything I want?” The man had huge wild eyes that darted around him.

“Food, medicine, warm coats, some rain ponchos, sleeping bags, scarves, hats, socks, duffel bags, tarps, whatever you want.”

“You selling this shit?” he asked angrily, just as Bob reached them, and took in the scene.

“No, we're giving it to you,” she said calmly.

“Why?” He was hostile and speedy, and looked nervous. Bob stood very still. He could sense trouble, and didn't want to upset the delicate balance between them.

“I figured you might need it.”

“Who's the dude?” He still had Ophélie by the arm and his grip had tightened. “Is he a cop?”

“No, he isn't. We're from the Wexler Center. What can I give you?”

“A blow job, you bitch. I don't need any shit from you.”

“That's enough.” Bob stepped in quietly, as Jeff and Millie approached slowly from the other end of the alley. They knew something was happening, but they couldn't see what yet, but they could hear him. “Let her go, man,” Bob said quietly but firmly.

“What are you? Her pimp?”

“You don't need trouble, and neither do we. Give it up, man. Let her go,” he said clearly, and was sorry he no longer carried a gun. Seeing it drawn would have backed the guy off. By then, Jeff and Millie walked up, and the man holding Ophélie in his grip looked angry and yanked her suddenly toward him.