Sacrifice (16 page)

“You really need to get a french press, how you drink this instant stuff is beyond me.” She said sipping the steaming black liquid from the cup she had cradled in her grip.

I smiled and topped my own coffee off with milk and sugar. I left it sitting on the counter as Rachel took up her usual seat on the stool at the breakfast bar. She watched me carefully, like a concerned mother cat worrying over the fate of their new kitten.

“I’m fine, Rachel, you don’t need to worry about me.”

“I didn’t say anything.” She protested, holding her hands over her heart to indicate her innocence.

“You didn’t need to. I can feel the worry coming off you in waves.”

“Well you can’t blame me for that. I find this whole Sam business to be very strange…”

“Strange how?”

“I’m not blind, I saw how he was with you. And I saw how you were with him…”

I swallowed back my first bitter mouthful of coffee and grimaced. “What does that mean?”

“I know he loved you.”

It was my turn to look shocked, my jaw dropping as I stared at her in disbelief. She couldn’t possibly have known that. And after the way he had reacted this morning there was no way she could be right.

“No he didn’t. If he loved me he wouldn’t have told me he didn’t want to be with me.”

Rachel smiled at me sadly. “Sometimes we’re forced to give up the ones we love.”

I watched her with suspicion. There was something in her eyes that told me there was more to the story than she was letting on. Something important that she was omitting to tell me.

“What happened?”

“Adam left to go back on tour. And I get it, I really do but…” She trailed off and stared into her cup.

“But?” I prompted waiting for her to continue.

“But I think we had a chance at something really special. I think we could have really made a go of it.”

“So what’s stopping you?”

She shook her head and swirled the mug, her gaze never leaving the contents of it. If she had been drinking tea I’d have said she was studying her tea leaves.

“I can’t go with him. I don’t have the money and it’d be a little bit weird… We agreed it was better to just walk away now, while we have some beautiful memories rather than push it. We didn’t want to spoil it I guess.” 

The note of regret and sadness in her voice couldn’t be missed. Hopping down off my own stool I walked over to her and dragged her into a big hug. My arms squeezing her as tightly as I could.

She laughed and scrubbed her hand across her eyes, wiping away the tears. “I should be the one comforting you, not the other way around. At least me and Adam ended it mutually…”

I hugged her again. “I told you already, I’m fine. You don’t need to worry about me. I’m stronger than that and this is really just a blip in the road.”

“Sam, is a blip? I’m not sure he’d be too thrilled to hear that.” Rachel added, laughing.

“Well if he didn’t want to be a blip, then he shouldn’t have done what he did.” I hardened my voice in an attempt to hide the emotion that threatened to well up within me. I said I was strong. That I could deal with it, but if I was honest with myself I was torn apart inside. It was easier to pretend that I was fine. I didn’t want Rachel fussing around me in an attempt to make me feel better. I didn’t think I could take it. Any sort of kindness at all and I was sure I would simply crumble into a thousand pieces. Like a china doll someone dropped on the floor. Fragmented and broken. It was how I felt inside and I wanted to keep it inside.

My cell phone vibrated seconds before it started to ring. I snatched it up and automatically clicked to answer the call. Lifting the phone to my ear I half expected to hear Sam’s voice on the other end of the line. All I did was think about him, maybe he had heard me and called to talk it through.

But it wasn’t Sam on the phone.

“Natasha? I need you to listen carefully.”

“Dad?” 

I couldn’t believe that he was calling me again. I had worried constantly about him since he had rang me, but try as I might every time I called the number back all I got was the call ringing out. And now here he was again, back on the phone as though nothing had happened. As though he hadn’t worried me half to death.

“I need you to meet me tomorrow morning, outside your apartment. Bring a bag.”

“What?” My voice was filled with anger and disbelief.

“You heard me. I need you to do as I ask. I need you outside, 8am, with a bag. Can you do that for me?”

“No way. You dump me here and after three years of silence you suddenly start making these crazy phone calls to me, pretending like you’re worried about me. And now you want me to meet you outside my apartment tomorrow with a bag? Are you mad?”

“Natasha. I’m still your father. I may not have made the best choices as a father but you have to trust me. I’m doing this for your own good.”

“I don’t think so. You had your chance to treat me like a daughter and you blew it. You can’t expect me to jump when you call now. Goodbye dad.” 

With trembling hands I killed the call and stared at the screen. It was crazy. Whatever had happened to him, he had clearly lost his mind. I turned around and Rachel was staring at me, a shocked expression on her face.

“Your dad?”

I nodded and swallowed hard. My emotions quickly swamping me. Losing Sam and having my father call me telling me that I needed to trust him and leave with him was too much. One of those things was too much to deal with, but not both together. I broke down. The phone dropping to the floor as my knees buckled beneath me and the tears streaked down my cheeks.

Rachel immediately came to my side, her arms around my shoulders as she rocked me softly. And as much as I loved her it wasn’t what I wanted. I wanted Sam. I needed it to be his arms around me. His voice soothing me and telling me that everything would be alright. I needed him to tell me that he would keep me safe. That as long as he was with me nothing could touch me.

If it was him telling me all of those things I would believe him. Sam had that way of making me believe whatever it was that he needed to tell me. He had a way of making the dark days a little brighter. And with him around I did feel safer. Safer than I had ever felt in my life…

“I’m not sure how I’m supposed to do all of this?” I let the words out between sobs. My breath coming in great heaving waves. “How am I supposed to be without him?”

Rachel stroked my hair, she made little shushing noises as she rocked me back and forth. “You’ll be alright, you’re strong remember?”

I shook my head and pulled away from her, scrubbing my hands across my face. “But that’s just it, I’m not strong. All I do is pretend but with him I didn’t have to ever pretend. I could just be, and it was like he understood. He propped me up when I needed it.”

“But you didn’t know him all that well. Chances are it wouldn’t have worked out anyway.”

I dragged myself to my feet and away from Rachel. How could I explain to her how I felt when I wasn’t even sure myself? Every time I tried to fix it in my head it sounded ridiculous. Real life wasn’t like a fairytale. I wouldn’t meet my prince charming and fall happily in love instantly. Life just wasn’t meant to be like that. And I had never thought something like that was possible… Until I’d met Sam/

I knew he saw something in me. Something that was in him. I could see it in him. It was like a mutual recognition of two utterly broken people. We both carried with us pointless guilt, guilt that we couldn’t explain to anyone else. But we didn’t need words to understand it. What we shared went beyond words and I wanted it back. He was mine and I was his, whether either of us wanted it or not. 

Fate had shaped us. Cut a piece from each of us and I knew the only way to fill that missing piece of the puzzle was with him. But I couldn’t explain that out loud. To anyone else it would sound like madness. It would make me sound like someone who was desperate, clinging to any man who looked her way. But Sam wasn’t just any man.

“I loved him.”

Three little words. Three littles words that had the ability to blow my world apart. The moment I said them out loud it felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my chest. It brought everything into startling perspective, clearing away all of my uncertainties and leaving me with a mind that was crystal clear.

“You loved him? Are you sure? I’m not saying you didn’t have feelings for him… But are you sure it was love?”

I fell silent, more as an attempt to wait and see if the small voice in the back of my mind wanted to chime in with how ridiculous this all was. But nothing happened. I was left with nothing but the realisation that I loved Sam and he loved me.

“You said a minute ago that you were sure that Sam loved me. Why wouldn’t you think that I loved him?”

Rachel shrugged her slender shoulders and climbed up from the floor and went back to her seat at the counter.

“I don’t know. But I always saw you as so cautious. And ever since what happened with…” She cut herself off.

“Daniel. You can say his name. I won’t have a nervous breakdown or anything.”

“Well ever since him, you became even more cautious, closed off. And then Sam came along and I thought finally you were letting your guard down. And now you want me to think that you were in love with him? That you had allowed yourself to fall for him?”

I nodded. “I know it seems crazy. But it’s not. When I say I love him I mean it. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this way about anyone. It’s strangely freeing…”

Rachel smiled sadly at me and chewed her bottom lip. “I just don’t want you to latch onto this. And now that you two are done, I don’t want you to use it as an excuse to keep yourself closed off… You can’t go through your life like that.”

“Rachel, I’m not going through my life in any way but the way I am. I can only be me. And I’m tired of always pretending to be someone I’m not for everyone else. I’m tired of being happy when I’m not. Of pretending that I’m not hurt over what my dad has done. That I don’t miss my mom. Because I do. I feel so much and yet I have to hide most of it. And I don’t want to do that anymore. I can thank Sam for that…”

Rachel watched me for a second as though assessing whether I truly had lost all of my marbles. Whatever she saw in me must have satisfied her because she hopped off the stool and hugged me again.

“Well then I’m glad you won’t be pretending anymore. I like the real you and I’d much rather have that for a friend then a pretend version.”

Grinning I hugged her back. She released me and grabbed her bag from inside the door.

“All this talk of love has given me an idea and I know that I better put it into action before I end up regretting letting Adam go.”

I nodded. “Life is too short for regrets. If you’ve found someone you can love and who loves you back then go for it. Grab life with both hands… And anyway, I think you’d make an excellent groupie.”

She smiled and it lit up her entire face. If anyone understood how I felt then it was going to be Rachel. Because whether she wanted to admit it or not, I could see that she loved Adam… I just hoped she didn’t have a disappointment waiting for her. Not the way I did.

I watched her leave before I headed back to my room to curl up in the centre of the stripped bed. Knowing that I loved Sam wasn’t enough to bring him back to me. No matter how much I wished it would, I knew it wouldn’t. He didn’t want me. Or at least I wasn’t worth staying with. And that was something I didn’t understand. How could you love someone and not think they were worthy of being with?

Sam

Watching the doctors and nurses deal with his mother’s corpse was one of the worst experiences in Sam’s life. He felt alone, deserted. And it was true. There was no one left in his life. He had managed to push the one person who might have been there for him away.

But it didn’t stop him from wanting to see her. If he could just see Natasha… Hold her in his arms one last time it would make everything bearable. He could deal with anything if he had her by his side. But he had burned that bridge, she wouldn’t want to see him now. Not now, not ever. Not after what he had done.

He paced the corridor of the hospital. Sharon had disappeared pretty quickly after the doctor had arrived in to pronounce his mother’s passing. He had searched up and down the corridors in search of her but he couldn’t find her.

Without realising it, Sam found himself back at his car. He slid in behind the wheel al of is emotions threatening to rip clean out of him at once. He held it together as he flipped the ignition and the car started to roll forward. 

Pulling out of the hospital parking lot he followed the roads through the city. He didn’t have a particular destination in mind. All he wanted to do was drive. It was soothing to do something that didn’t require any real thought on his behalf.

He had no idea how long he drove for. The sun set and it wasn’t until the car finally began to stutter and die that he realised where all of his driving had taken him. He had spent the day travelling in circles and as he pulled the car into a car space he killed the engine. The tank was practically dry. He had never driven until he was out of gas before.

Sam stared up at the apartments in front of him. He knew which one was her window. He could have picked it out anywhere, day or night. He was drawn to her. Natasha. Her name, her face had filled his mind as he drove.

Today was the day he had lost everything. But something his mother had said to him before… He couldn’t even bring himself to finish the thought so he didn’t, he merely left it hanging there in his mind. But something she had said to him rang true. When you find her hold onto her.

That one thought echoed around and around in his head. He had a feeling that the only person who could make him feel human again was Natasha. She was the only one he could turn to. The only one who would make him whole again. But how could he go to her after he had been so horrible.

Sam climbed from the car and started to walk. The street lights had already flickered to life and he watched his shadow dance on the sidewalk. He was nothing but a puppet. Marcus had used him to get exactly what he wanted. Had used him to get what he needed and Sam had walked straight into it.