Sacred Influence (22 page)
Next, Jo applied this same “person of value” approach to Ray:“Not only does God value me as a woman and wife; he values Ray as a man and as a husband. When Ray spoke to me out of anger, I didn’t value him as God does. I resented him. I feared him. But I didn’t value him. It wasn’t until I stood up to Ray that I could begin to value him.”
Again, it’s good to pause here, because Jo touches on something very insightful. It’s far easier to
dismiss
an angry man than to
value
him. Anger attracts no one; a guy throwing a temper tantrum can look downright silly to an observer. When a woman truly values a man, she stands up to him and says, “You’re better than that. Don’t do this to yourself, or to us.” A faithful sister in Christ challenges her man to grow in grace, mercy, and humility.
Finally, Jo realized what it means to be a sister in Christ. She wasn’t merely Ray’s wife; she was his co-laborer in the Lord, and that meant holding him accountable for God’s best in his life. It was
not
God’s best for Ray to let his temper direct his relationships. “Many Christian spouses do not hold each other accountable,” Jo warns. “We let things slide.” A biblical marriage provides a smaller picture of the church. We should use the position and gifts God has given us “so that the body of Christ may be built up until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ” (Ephesians 4:12 – 13).
By holding each other accountable as brothers and sisters in Christ, we not only address issues that have the potential to wreck our families; we also help each other learn how to better relate to people in general. Genuine believers will welcome this process of sanctification.
Today, Jo raves about the changed relationship she has with Ray. “Ray has seen so much change in himself since I patiently persevered. My insistence showed him I want the best relationship with him, that I value the person he’s become. He wants to continue to be that person. I know he wants to be the best husband he can be. I know he wants to love me like Christ loves the church. When I hold him accountable, I give him more of a chance to become that person.”
The Rest of the Story
Up to this point, I’ve purposely left out one final, but crucial, element of Jo and Ray’s story. Jo’s husband married her
after
doctors diagnosed her with multiple sclerosis. A woman facing a debilitating disease that has the potential to leave her in a wheelchair faces certain temptations that other women will never know.
I imagine it would be easy for a woman in Jo’s situation to feel so afraid of losing her husband — and so fearful of losing his support as she faces an uncertain future — that she would just shut up and endure the angry outbursts. After all, where would she be if her husband left her?
Jo is a woman of tremendous courage. Though her body is gradually losing some of its functions, she still knows that in Christ she is highly valued. And out of that courage, she calls her husband to value and respect her as well.
So if Jo, facing all her challenges and her uncertain future, can do this, you can too. You may be timid. You may have a husband like Ray, and although you may have gained a certain measure of satisfaction from hearing of another wife standing up to her man, you think, “Of course,
I
could never do that.”
Yes, you can! Please go back and read Jo’s formula: she called out to her heavenly Father and then studied Scripture to find out how highly God values her. Next, she called her husband to do the same. These principles hold true whether you are disfigured, obese, disabled — you name it. You are a person of
great
value to God. Paul’s word of encouragement is for you: “Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power” (Ephesians 6:10).
Chapter 11: Taming the Temper,
Part 2
Learning to Navigate
through Your Husband’s Anger
M
ale violence creates havoc in homes all across the world. You can hardly pick up a newspaper without reading at least one account of the destructiveness of male anger and violence — in virtually all aspects of society. And because men tend to be stronger physically than women, male temper can become a very frightening issue in many marriages. So I’d like to spend a little more time on it as a general topic, beyond what we learned from Ray and Jo.
Appropriate Anger
One caution is in order as we continue to address this issue: anger is a perfectly natural and even, at times, spiritually healthy emotion. The Bible says that even God becomes angry (Nahum 1:5 – 6 and many other passages). Anger in and of itself is not a sin;
*
responding with rage, however, or letting anger fuel a threatening, hurtful, or abusive outburst,
is
a sin. You can’t fault your husband (or yourself) for getting angry, but you must focus on what you or your husband
does
with the anger.
At times, you must allow your husband to feel legitimately angry with you. You’re not perfect — “There is not a righteous man on earth who does what is right and never sins” (Ecclesiastes 7:20) — and sometimes your husband would have to be in deep denial or less than human
not
to be angry with you. If you act as though anger is always illegitimate, you’ll merely confuse him, because asking him not to feel angry is like his asking you to never feel hurt. We have to manage our anger in appropriate ways, however, and for you this begins with gaining a better understanding of the dynamics of male anger.
Male Anger
In this issue, as with many others, it’s helpful to remind ourselves of the differences between a female brain and a male brain. A “female” approach to male rage often makes the situation worse. Many times, women wrongly assume that talking things out always makes things better — but many men simply need time to process their anger. It’s a biological fact that emotional conversation can feel very stressful for a man and actually
increase
his anger, particularly if that conversation gets pushed on him.
If you married a man whose anger and rage seem to build the more you talk,
stop talking
! Let your husband’s brain process the stress as you wait for him to come back to you. Just because conversation calms
you
down doesn’t mean it will have the same effect on your husband. He may need to go for a run, hit some golf balls at the range, fiddle around in the garage, or do some yard work while he processes his anger. His need for this activity doesn’t necessarily amount to stonewalling. It may simply be his very different — but very legitimate — way of processing anger.
Far too often women expect to argue with a man just as they would argue with a woman. Furthermore, they assume the way
they
handle conflict is the best way, or even the only appropriate way. In
For Women Only
, Shaunti Feldhahn asks a provocative question: “If you are in conflict with the man in your life, do you think that it is legitimate to break down and cry? Most of us would probably answer yes. Let me ask another question: In that same conflict, do you think it is legitimate for your man to get really angry? Many of us have a problem with that — we think he’s not controlling himself or that he’s behaving improperly.”
1
The question needs to be asked: why do women tend to respond with hurt, and men tend to respond with anger? It all has to do with the male need for respect. Shaunti goes on to quote Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, who explains, “In a relationship conflict, crying is often a woman’s response to feeling unloved, and anger is often a man’s response to feeling disrespected.”
2
Shaunti conducted her own survey that confirms this reality. Here’s the statement:
Even the best relationships sometimes have conflicts on day-to-day issues. In the middle of a conflict with my wife/sig-nificant other, I am more likely to be feeling:
that my wife/significant other doesn’t respect me right now: 81 percent
3
Men get most frustrated — and angriest — when they feel disrespected. If your conversation takes on a demeaning tone, you have as much a chance of resolving something as you would baking a cake by throwing the ingredients down the garbage disposal. You
can’t
control your husband’s anger — but you
can
provoke it by being disrespectful. That doesn’t excuse any inappropriate actions on his part, but if you truly want to be part of the solution, then learn how to disagree with your husband without showing a lack of respect — and that includes nonverbal routines such as folding your arms, turning away, rolling your eyes, or making mocking gestures.
4
Also, carefully consider your words. Do they suggest inadequacy? When you continually question your husband’s purchases, his ability to run the house or fix things, his choice of clothes, the way he handles the kids, and the like, you create a “frustration bomb.” These things build up over time, and eventually, one blatant act of disrespect lights the fuse that results in a blinding explosion.
Every man is different, so with your man you must learn where you need to let go. You may not agree with how he’s fixing something, or you may think it’s long past the time for him to bring in an expert — but in most cases, let him make the call. Women, in general, simply don’t understand how offensive and annoying it can feel to a man to be constantly challenged and corrected, especially in a disrespectful manner.
For years, men have been told to be more sensitive to women; perhaps it’s time to help women understand how to become more sensitive to men. For example, when you blatantly question or ridicule the way in which your husband is doing something, it feels to his male mind exactly like it would feel for you to hear, “Honey, your face is really looking bloated and puffy; don’t you think it’s time to lose a few pounds?” Only an extraordinarily insensitive husband would ever talk like that — and only an extraordinarily insensitive woman would blatantly and callously question her husband’s abilities.
It has often helped me to see objectively how this works out in the relationship between my wife and adolescent son. Now that our boy is becoming a man, I’m trying to help my wife see that her motherly concern and correction must never disrespect him, or she’ll shut Graham out entirely. Nothing will make a man or a boy angrier than showing blatant disrespect or cultivating an attitude of disrespect. She still needs to correct him, but if that correction becomes demeaning, every male fiber in his testosterone-laced body is going to want to rise up in defiance. And so we enter the dilemma of either “swatting the mosquitoes” or “draining the swamp.”
I suggest you do both.
Stop those little acts of disrespect — the tone that ridicules him; the teasing barbs that feel like little splashes to you and like tsunamis to him; the constant complaints to friends; the frequent questioning, “Are you
sure
you know what you’re doing?” and the like. Instead, focus on the positive. Make sure he knows you believe he is adequate, competent, and capable. Talk up his strong points. Praise him in public. Show your unconditional support.
If you do all this, his “anger meter” will reach record lows in a surprisingly short span of time. From that platform, you can then begin to apply the principles we learned from Jo’s experience.
The Queen of the Virtues
