RYDER (Slater Brothers 4) (32 page)

“But it
has
affected me,” I whispered. “You… you made me think you hated me.”

“I
never
meant for it to go this far,” he stressed as he leaned forward and took my hands in his, shocking me as the familiar feeling of his calloused hands instantly soothed me. “I meant to distance myself from you just until this was done, and when we started arguing, I couldn’t stop the spiral. You, your sister, the other girls, you all mean everything to me, to my family. We agreed that keeping you in the dark was the best thing to do. Damien, too. We didn’t tell him anything because we knew he’d want to help us, and it was decided a long time ago he would never be involved with what we had no choice in. If anything went wrong and me and Dominic
did
go to prison then none of you could be implicated. You wouldn’t know about any of what was going on so they couldn’t try you as an accessory.”

I shook my head in disbelief. “This just doesn’t feel real.”

“I wish it wasn’t.”

Me too.

“You said you did want the FBI wanted, does that mean Brandon has been arrested?”

Ryder shook his head. “No, I got all the information I could, but they still don’t know any of his contacts, sources and distributors. Brandon never directly gave me my orders either, it was another man who told me what to do and where to go, so even if there was a bust, it wouldn’t trace back to him. Brandon was good to me, but he knew what I was doing in his gang, and why I was there. He was
very
careful during my time with him.”

Fear gripped me.

I gasped. “He could kill you!”

Images of pure horror flashed through my mind.

Ryder snorted. “He won’t, I think he found it amusing. He told me he doesn’t like rats, and said he had a bad habit of standing on them. I agreed with him and said I hated cops more because they were snakes in the grass. When I said it, I adjusted my shirt to show the indent of my wire and looked him in the eye. He quickly picked up on what information I was offering.”

I felt my jaw drop open. “You gave it away what you were there for?
Why
?”

“Because Brandon is fair… and I fucking
hate
cops, Branna. The Feds… they’re a whole different level of scum, they’d throw you under a bus to get what they want.”

“You eejit!” I snapped. “What if they
know
why you got shit information?”

“They’re none the wiser, they called time on my part in the operation the night you were… attacked. They told me that evening that after forty-eight hours they’d be packed up and out of the country, and I could go back to my normal life. That’s why I wanted to wait to tell you… in case they changed their minds.”

“I don’t know how to feel about all of this.” I admitted. “It’s too intense.”

Ryder leaned forward and pressed his forehead to mine. “I’m so sorry, Branna,” he whispered. “Having you in my life has ruined yours.”

The touch of his skin against mine was like a jolt of electricity shooting through me.

I pulled back from him and looked into his eyes. “Don’t you
ever
say anythin’ like that to me again. You’re still everythin’ to me even though I’m furious with you. I’m angry and hurt, but it’s only because the thought of losin’ you
kills
me.”

Ryder’s face softened. “Why did you leave me if you don’t want to lose me?”

My shoulders sagged. “You left me no other choice. Either you told me what you were up to, or I had to leave. It has destroyed me to be apart, but livin’ the way I had been with you over the last year and a half has ruined me, too.
I
had no choice.”

Ryder slightly smiled. “I’ll fix what I’ve done.”

“I feel like your smile is a beautiful lie,” I whispered, “and that I can’t trust it any more than I can trust you.”

“But… but I just told you why I was the way I was.”

I nodded. “And I understand, but that doesn’t change anythin’ right now. I need space.”

“Don’t leave me on my own, Branna.” Ryder pleaded. “I’m begging you.”

“You’ve left me on my own for months whilst being right here with me, and I understand why, but it still hurts.” I countered. “Whatever we had faded to black.”

“No,” he hissed. “Nothing faded away because I still fucking love you more than life itself, and you love me, too. I know it.”

“Lovin’ you is easy, Ryder, but trustin’ you isn’t.”

“I know, and I’ll forever be sorry for causing you so much hurt.”

I was silent for a few moments just gathering my thoughts.

“Can you ever forgive me?” Ryder asked, his voice so low I barely heard him. “Could you ever reach a point where you think you could do that?”

Could I?
I asked myself.

“I don’t know,” I admitted. “I need time to think.”

“I’ll give you time and space. I’ll give you whatever you need, I promise.”

He was grabbing onto my words like a lifeline.

“This won’t happen overnight, Ryder.” I said firmly. “I can’t just mend what’s been broken with the snap of my fingers, so make sure you give me time, okay? I can’t go back to the way things were before all this started just because I now know the truth; I have to do this slowly. We
both
do. I understand what you have told me, but me heart, it can’t just forgive and forget so easily.”

Ryder bobbed his head up and down. “I understand. I’ll do anything you want.”

I was relived he was going to do what I wanted without giving me hassle.

I blew out a breath. “Don’t come around lookin’ for me, okay? When I’m ready, I’ll come to you.”

“What… what if you never come to me?” he asked, fear laced in his tone.

“I can’t answer that, and I’m sorry if I’m being cruel, but right now, I need to do what’s best for
me
.”

After a moment, Ryder nodded. “Okay, sweetheart.”

He stood then, and it looked like he was going to lean down and either hug or kiss me, but he stopped himself and moved over to my bedroom door.

“I love you, Branna,” he said. “I have a shit way of showing it, but I love you, sweetness.”

He left then, and not long later, I burst into tears. I didn’t know why I was crying when I was the one who asked him to give me time and space. The confusion was killing me.

My mind felt one way, and my heart another.

I
hated
how mysterious Ryder had been over the last year and a half, and now
I
had become an enigma. That was fucking irony for you.

Two weeks later…

It had been fourteen days since Ryder told me the truth, and I was still in my room where I confined myself to so I could
really
think. Unless it was to eat, use the toilet or take a shower, I stayed in my room. I wished I could return to work to busy myself, but I was only two sessions into my scheduled six with the therapist The Health Board assigned me to, and it was difficult actually opening up to her without revealing any secrets that weren’t for her ears.

Even with her help, I was emotionally at a standstill because I didn’t know how to get my heart on the same track as my mind. I knew what happened with Ryder in full detail, and I understood every aspect of it, but I still resented him for the hurt he brought me over the last year and a half, even though he didn’t do it willingly.

While I felt anger, I didn’t know if it was directed solely at Ryder himself, or how he made me feel when he pushed me away. It was an on-going mental battle for me because I couldn’t make my mind up. It didn’t help that I missed him terribly either. Being so unsure about how I truly felt after everything I learned was hard when all I wanted was to be with him so we could deal with this together.

On one hand, I wanted to go to him and make a go of things because even if we had a bad rough patch, it was five years of my life with someone who I truly loved, and I wasn’t ready to just give up on that… but on the other hand, I was so emotionally destroyed that I wasn’t sure if I could ever get back to a place where I fully trusted Ryder, and if there was no trust, there was no relationship.

I turned my head and looked over at my door when a soft knock sounded.

“Come in,” I called.

The door creaked open, but instead of my sister checking up on me, it was Alec.

“Hey,” I said and sat upright. “Is everythin’ okay?”

He nodded and closed my door behind him. “Everything’s fine… Bronagh’s just worried about you. I told her I’d come and talk to you and pull a smile or something from you.”

“I just have to look at your ugly face and I smile.”

“Fuck you, too.”

I laughed, and it made Alec’s lips twitch as he crossed the room. I moved over so he could sit on the bed with me, and I smiled wide when he kicked his shoes off before he climbed onto it and relaxed back against a few of my pillows. I leaned back too, and together, we both stared at the ceiling.

“If you stay in this room any longer,” he began, “I’m afraid you’re going to turn into a piece of furniture.
Beauty and the Beast
style minus the singing because you can’t sing. At all.”

Again, I laughed.

“I’ll keep that in mind,
Beast
.”

Alec snorted then after a period of silence between us he asked, “How are you? And don’t say fine just to appease me. How are you…
really
?”

That question was constant, since the attack, and I still didn’t have a solid answer for it when I was asked.

I swallowed. “One minute I’m okay, then the next I’m in pieces. I’m really confused about Ryder, I just don’t know what to do and it’s driving me
insane
.”

“You know keeping things bottled up isn’t good for you, look how sad you became because you kept your issues with Ryder to yourself.”

He was right, but that didn’t mean I could break character so easily.

“Old habits die hard, I guess.”

“I can’t imagine how hard it is to let someone be your shoulder to lie on, when all you’ve known is being the strong one.” Alec reached over and took my hand in his. “You’ve always been strong for Bee, then for each of us when our individual bullshit came back to bite us in the ass. You’re incredible, Bran, and we don’t mean to pester you, we just want to show you that we’re here for you like you’re always there for us.”

Tears pooled in my eyes.

“I have a thing about not cryin’, but you’re makin’ not bawling me eyes out
very
hard.”

“Listen to me,” Alec then said as he stood up from the bed, pulling me along with him until we were standing facing one another. “You can cry for days if you want to, and that’s okay. Before your night of evil, you suffered a year and a half of hell. If crying will help, then fucking
cry
.”

I shook my head and wiped my eyes with the back of my hand.

“I’m sick of cryin’, it changes nothin’.”

“Then smile instead, it takes more effort to frown than it does to smile anyway.”

My shoulders slumped. “I’ve nothin’ to smile about.”

“Sure you do,” Alec quickly stated. “You survived a night of terror, you found out Ryder wasn’t cheating on you, and that he wasn’t pulling away from you because he doesn’t love you anymore. You have a
lot
to smile for.”

When he put it like that, I wanted to kick my own arse for feeling so miserable.

“It’s hard,” I admitted.

“Believe in yourself,” Alec said. “In Ryder.”

I sighed. “That’s easier said than done.”

He kept his eyes locked on mine as he said, “You believed in Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy for years growing up. You can believe in yourself, your man, and what you both have, for five minutes, okay?”

I blinked, dumbly.

“What?” Alec questioned, shifting from foot to foot.

I cleared my throat. “I just forget that you’re a very wise person. You joke around all the time and make everyone laugh and smile, but you’re so real when it comes down to it. You give good advice.”

A beautiful smile overtook Alec’s face.

“I love you, Bran, I will do and say anything to help you and Ryder get through this.” He reached out and tugged on my hair like I was a little girl. “You’re both the reason I decided that someday I’d settle down, did you know that? Before I met Keela, I used to watch you both and I liked that Ryder could be happy and complete by just seeing you. At first I thought he was pathetic and pussy whipped, but the more I was around you both, the more I realised it was something real. I wanted it, and now I have it. It’s hard work, but you and Ry have got this. Don’t give up, okay?”

He laughed when I jumped forward, and wrapped my arms around his waist, pressing my face against his chest. He put his arms around me and squeezed me tightly. Tears flowed then, but for once they weren’t sad tears, they were hopeful tears. That was what Alec just gave me.

Hope.

I hadn’t experienced the feeling in a long time, but I couldn’t deny that it felt incredible.

“Thanks, Alec,” I murmured against his chest.

When I pulled back from our hug and looked up, I couldn’t help but giggle. He was so different now compared to when I first met him in Darkness all those years ago.