Ryan's Love (Sawyer Brothers #1) (5 page)

Chapter Nine

Ryan

I walked out of the bakery feeling like I had been punched in the stomach. The air in my lungs felt as if it was too thick. My throat was on fire and my chest was tight as anguish filled me. It took every ounce of control I had not to punch Booker in his cocky mouth.

I took a chance and put myself out there. I didn’t like the idea of Amber going out with Booker, so I went in with confidence, hoping she would take my offer over his. But within minutes Booker had blindsided me, and I bolted before I did something I would regret.

“Hold up, Ry,” Noah called out as he jogged to catch up with me. “What the hell just happened in there?”

“Everyone says, ‘Give it a chance,’ so I did. I asked Amber out.” I forced a chuckle. “Well, actually, I sorta said we already had a date when I heard Booker asking her out.”

Noah grinned because he sensed what that meant. If I wasn’t interested in Amber, I would have left well enough alone.

“Hell, I don’t know what’ll come of it. I’m not sure I’m ready, but how will I know if I don’t take a shot? But then that asshole threw Claire into the conversation, and I instantly felt like it was all a mistake.”

Noah’s expression shifted to one of anger.

“Booker is an asshole, but you can’t let that guy get under your skin. He doesn’t always think before he speaks.”

I kicked back against the cruiser, crossing my feet at my ankles.

“Ryan, you took the initiative to put yourself back out there,” Noah went on. “You may not be ready to jump in headfirst, but you’re ready to give it a test drive. That right there says something.”

He stepped closer and leaned back against the car with me. “Don’t let someone like him set ya back. We’ve had this talk a hundred different times, and Pop’s told you too, so I won’t get into it again. I’ll just say I know Claire would have wanted you to find happiness again.”

“I know.” I had been thinking about that a lot lately, especially since I couldn’t get Amber’s smile out of my head. I still felt guilty, but new possibilities excited me at the same time. I told myself every day that I would never forget Claire, but it was time for me to try to open up again.

***

When I got home from work, I took a quick shower, then threw on a T-shirt and a pair of jeans. I had a very hard task ahead that weighed heavy on me, but I had to do it because it was only fair. Olivia was old enough to know I’d decided to start dating again. I couldn’t hide it from her, and I refused to let someone else be the one to tell her.

“Well,” she said with a giggle as I walked into the living room, “this is a look I’m not used to.” She waved her hand in the air, indicating my attire. “Normally when you’re home it’s ratty old sweats.”

I sat down on the couch next to her and shoved her knee to the side playfully. “Is that your way of saying your dad looks good?” I tickled her side, and she squealed for me to stop as she shifted around, trying to get away from me. “We do need to have a talk, baby girl,” I said, pulling back my hands to allow her laughter to subside. I wondered if it was normal to feel sick when you’re about to explain to your teenage daughter that you have a date.

“What’s wrong? Why do you look so…” She paused and examined my face a little closer. “…nervous?”

I scratched at the scruff on my face as I weighed my words in my mind. I wanted to ease her into this, but I just wasn’t sure what the best approach would be. “You know I’ll always love your mother, right?”

The smile fell from her lips, and my heart broke when her lower lip trembled. Claire’s absence was hard on my teenage daughter, who wanted to turn to her for advice and comfort but couldn’t. I know that’s why her and my mother are so close; her grandmother sort of stepped in and filled that role once Claire passed.

Liv nodded, placing her Kindle on the coffee table in front of us giving me her full attention. “Yes,” she whispered, her eyes focused solely on me as she waited for me to explain where I was going with this conversation.

“I’ve struggled with what I’m about to tell you for a long time. I didn’t make this decision lightly. In fact, I think it was one of the hardest ones I’ve ever had to make.” I took in a deep breath and looked my little girl in the eyes. “I’ve got a date, Liv.”

“What? With who?” She sagged back against the couch, her eyes glossy. Seeing the pain in them almost did me in, and I tried to refrain from pulling her in for a hug. A father had a huge weakness when it came to his little girl, and Liv was my angel.

“You remember on the
Fourth when Gran took you into Heavenly Temptations?” She only offered a slight nod. “The owner is Helen’s granddaughter, Amber.”

“You’re dating her?”

“I don’t know if what we’re doing tonight could be considered dating her. I just wanted you to hear it from me before anyone else decided to mention it to you.” She looked down at her lap, twisting her hands nervously. “It’s been hard without your momma—for the both of us. If I could do anything to go back and change the outcome of that day, hell, baby, I would in a second. I don’t remember a time in my life that I didn’t love your mother. Uncle Noah and me used to fight over who would marry her.” I smiled, remembering those times. “No matter what happens, I’ll never stop loving her.”

I spent the next hour with Olivia, talking about Claire and all our times together. We laughed and we cried too. I knew if Amber and I went anywhere, it would be a bumpy road for Liv, and I vowed that no matter what, my little girl came first. She had already lost one of the most important people in her life, and I couldn’t make her feel as if she was losing me too.

***

I squared my shoulders, held my head high, and walked toward the back entrance of the bakery, which I knew led up to the apartment above. Taking in one last deep breath, I pushed the buzzer and waited.

I could hear the thumping of feet as someone came down the steps. Then the footsteps stopped, and I knew whoever was on the other side of that door was looking out through the small window at the side. I smiled as I thought of the shocked expression on Amber’s face earlier today.

The lock clicked softly and the door creeped open, revealing Amber looking up at me with her big brown eyes, her mouth hanging open just slightly. Her hair was messily piled on top of her head, and she wore a pair of very short, frayed jeans shorts. A red, fitted T-shirt hugged her body and left my heart racing.

She was gorgeous.

“What are you doing here?” she whispered.

I chuckled. She looked adorable standing there, fidgeting as she looked up at me. “I came to pick you up. We have a date, remember?”

“You were serious about that?”

“Yeah,” I said. “I wouldn’t have said it if I wasn’t.”

“I honestly thought you were just trying to save me from Booker. I never thought you actually meant it.” Amber looked back over her shoulder before quickly turning her gaze back to me. “I’m not ready for a date.” She looked down at herself. “I’m a mess.”

“No, you’re not. You look perfect.”

She blushed, and I heard a noise from behind her. I slouched just enough to see up the steep stairway and found Bailey perched there, waiting with interest.

She waved and smiled. “Hey there, Cowboy. Did you come to steal my girl?” she asked, and the annoyed look Amber shot her best friend only made me chuckle.

“Yeah, but she’s being stubborn.”

“Don’t you worry, she’ll go. She’d be a fool not to,” Bailey taunted her.

After what appeared to be some sort of battle between them, fought only with facial expressions, Amber agreed to go with me. She did, of course, swap those fuzzy slippers for a pair of sandals, though. Still, somehow she made silly pink house slippers appear sexy.

“So, where are we going?” she asked.

Grinning as I stared through the windshield, I said, “That’s a surprise.”

I took her down to my favorite lake, just outside of town. I had stopped off at my mother’s house before picking Amber up and convinced her to throw together a nice picnic dinner. My mother had a knack for creating something great out of only a few simple ingredients. Yeah, telling her I had a date was interesting, but she was more than pleased about my move forward and offered the words of encouragement I needed.

When I parked and pulled the basket out of the backseat, Amber smiled over at me. Apparently a picnic by the lake was a good choice.

After tucking a blanket under my arm, I held my other hand out for her. The moment she placed her hand in mine, my stomach did some crazy-ass flip. I hadn’t felt a connection like that with anyone since Claire. That thought I just had scared the shit out of me.

Chapter Ten

Amber

I moved here to start over. I wanted to surround myself with things that made me feel accomplished. So many times back in Chicago, I felt as if I was drifting through life, doing what everyone expected me to, never truly satisfying myself in the end.

Ryan was different than the guys I had grown accustomed to dating. Even though Kevin and I had been together for years, he never once did anything remotely sweet or romantic for me. I guess I never thought about a picnic near a lake as something that would appeal to me. But being here with Ryan made all the other dates in my life seem mediocre and redundant.

We sat near the lake for over an hour as I listened to him talk about growing up in Livingston. He clearly loved Montana, and he was a country boy at heart. He’d grown up on a ranch, where he and his two brothers spent all their time fishing, camping, and horseback riding, and he loved all things rugged and outdoors. He made the ranch sound like a dream world, and even though nothing outdoorsy had ever appealed to me before, I wanted to try it all now.

“My daughter, Olivia, can out fish me and her uncles, Jackson and Noah. She’s got the touch.”

His statement surprised me. We had avoided talking about anything too personal until now. “You have a daughter?” I asked.

“Yeah, she’s fifteen.”

“A teenage daughter.” I smiled. I remembered being that age.

“Oh yes, teenage girls are quite a treat.” He rolled his eyes and chuckled. “It’s just her and me. My wife, Claire, passed away a few years ago. It was sudden.”

My heart sank at his words. “I’m so sorry.” What else do you say when someone blindsides you with something like that? Words had escaped me. I couldn’t imagine being in his shoes. Losing the person you thought you’d spend your life with, having to raise a child grieving for her mother. “That really must have been hard on the both of you.”

He looked out over the lake and nodded. “Yeah, but it’s gotten easier. I know that life carries on.”

I could see the pain in his eyes.

He cleared his throat. “So enough about me. What about you, Amber?”

I knew it was his way of getting away from the topic of his deceased wife. He wasn’t ready to share her with me yet, and I understood. Normally I don’t like talking about myself, but I could see he needed the distraction.

“Well, let me see.” I tilted my head back and looked up at the sky. The sun was beginning to set, and light shimmered out from behind the trees, highlighting the lake before us. “I’m from Chicago, always lived in the city.”

He cocked an eyebrow at me. I knew exactly what he was thinking. “Yeah, I know, city girl gone country. It’s been an adjustment, let me tell ya.” I smiled when he grinned back at me. God, his smile made my heart race.

“I was engaged,” I went on. “We’d been together for four years, and I think he just asked me because he felt like it was necessary. I said yes because I felt like it was expected.” Admitting that only made me feel stupid.

“Things between us hadn’t been great for a while, and honestly we should have just admitted that and gone our separate ways, but we didn’t.” I just wanted this part of the conversation to be over, so I rushed through the rest, giving him only the necessary details. “In the end he cheated, and I walked away without looking back. There wasn’t really any pain from the breakup, just humiliation.”

“He was an idiot,” Ryan said, his eyes locked on mine.

“Thanks, but I think I was the idiot for not leaving a lot sooner. I hated my job, I hated my life, and I needed a change. I’m not really that close with my parents and I’m an only child, so I didn’t have family to hang around for. So when Bailey decided she needed something different too, we moved to Montana.” I tilted my head to the side and smiled at him. “So far I’m loving it here.”

He inched a little closer and brushed his fingertips over my hand that rested on the blanket beneath us. “I’m not happy about what you went through to get here, but I’m glad you chose Montana,” he confessed.

My heart beat faster, and my stomach raced with excitement. Being around Ryan made me feel incredibly free.

“Me too,” I whispered.

“I don’t know what I can offer you,” he confessed. “But I know I’m willing to see where this goes. It feels good being with you. It’s refreshing.”

I dipped my head and let out a slow, calming breath, trying to relax before I spoke in return. I wanted to tell him I felt the same way, but I refrained, fearful of scaring him away.

He placed his palm beneath my chin and lifted it until our eyes met once again. “I just need to tread lightly. I have to keep in mind this is an adjustment for Olivia too.” He skimmed a thumb over my lower lip, and chills broke out over my skin. “You willing to take things slow with me, Amber? See where it leads us?”

Oh God, yes, I screamed in my head. I would wait for this man without a doubt. “Yeah,” I replied.

“Good, because the idea of you dating Booker or any other guy in town makes my stomach turn.” He grinned as he leaned forward and placed the gentlest kiss at the corner of my mouth. It was entirely too short, but I knew it was a huge step for him. I would take what he was offering, because that small gesture meant more than anyone could imagine.

***

I was happily humming along to the beat of the music playing softly from the stereo.

“Somebody’s happy,” Bailey said as she entered the kitchen. I hadn’t been able to sleep. I woke up before five a.m., and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t relax enough to fall back to sleep. My night at the lake with Ryan gave my mind entirely too much to think about. So after crawling out of bed, I decided to bake some new additions for Monday’s rush.

“I take it last night went well?” she asked as she began filling the coffeepots with the premeasured filters.

“Yeah, it did,” I admitted.

I told Bailey how he took me to the lake, picnic and all. I shared with her how beautiful the scenery was and how it made me fall in love with Montana just a little more.

“That actually sounds amazing and all, but…” She paused. “When he’s alone with you, what is he like?”

I couldn’t control the smile that took over my lips. “He’s so sweet, and he flirts in the smallest of ways, yet it fills my stomach with butterflies.”

Then I grew silent, remembering the things he shared. I gave her the quick version of Ryan’s past. When I was done, she stared back at me, a look of sadness in her eyes.

“Wow, that’s awful,” she said. Though
awful
wasn’t a good enough word to describe the loss he had suffered.

“He is so sweet, Bay,” I said, turning around to face her. “I know he wants to try. I can see that. And I’m willing to take my time getting to know him. I mean, really, any man who loves as fiercely as he does is worth waiting for.”

“Just don’t fall too fast,” she said. “I just want you to make sure he’s emotionally available. Loving so strongly only to have that person ripped away from you when you aren’t ready to let go is a hard thing to get over. Just be careful.”

I knew where she was coming from. Bailey’s brother took his own life two years ago after a bout of severe depression. The two of them were so close growing up, and she was devastated when he enlisted in the army after high school. When he came back from his first tour, he had changed from the outgoing and fun Gabe we knew to someone who was withdrawn and isolated. He hated crowded spaces and freaked out almost instantly without provocation when he was in them.

Those things should have been enough to let everyone around him know he was silently suffering, trapped in a world of terror within his mind. But Bailey thought he was just going through some problems readjusting after the horrors he’d witnessed. She thought he’d be able to get through it on his own. Instead, she was the one who found his body. Her entire family fell apart after that, and it was one of the saddest things I’d ever seen.

“I will, Bailey, I promise.” I pulled her in for a hug.

The same thoughts had crossed my mind during my time with Ryan yesterday. I wondered if he truly was ready to move forward or if he was only forcing himself to. But after just a short time with him, I knew I wanted to give it a shot. What would trying hurt?