Running Dry (30 page)

I get a little nervous flutter in my stomach at the prospect of finally having some alone time with him.  I sit down on the bed but Zane doesn't sit at all.  Instead, he starts pacing the room until he stops and looks out the window for a long time.  I watch him, trying to read what is going on in that disturbed mind of his.  Then he says, "I don't think we should do this."

I try to pretend what he says doesn't hurt, like my heart isn't being ripped out.  I thought everything between us was good.  I'm exhausted, but I get off the bed and stand up to go into the other room, not wanting him to see me cry. 

"Where are you going?"

"You just said you didn't want to be with me."

"No.  I was talking about this place.  Oceanside.  We can't stay."

"What?  Why not?  It has everything we could ever dream of..."

He turns from the window and looks at me, "Come on, Bek.  Don't you feel it?  Something's not right here."

I sigh.  "You're being ridiculous."

"I'm not!" he shouts.  I look at his face.  I don't even know who I'm looking at.  There's a darkness to his expression, a tone in his voice that's not familiar.  It scares me.

I try to stay calm. "Lower your voice.  Your mom is trying to rest."

He looks down. 

"I think you just need some rest."

"Fine, but I'm not going to have a different opinion after I sleep."

"I don't doubt that," I say shaking my head.  Defeated, I walk out and close the door behind me.

Once I'm settled in the bed, across the hall from Zane, I try to come up with a way to convince him to relax but that's like trying to tell a baby not to cry.  It's in his nature to be pensive and suspicious and I can't say I really blame him, after everything we've been through, but I don't see what he's seeing here.  I'm sure this is the place LeRoy wanted me to find.  It feels too sweet to be anything but good.  Plus, I’m in a comfy bed with a breeze coming in from the open window that smells like fresh, salty air and the sounds of the waves crashing onto the beach are maybe the most pleasant sounds I've ever heard.  I fall asleep before I can resolve anything. 

When I wake, I hear Regina and Frankie downstairs.  It's still light outside but just barely.  Zane's door is still closed when I pass by.  I stop for a second and think about checking on him, but maybe the extra rest is exactly what he needs to help him feel better.  I keep going. 

In the kitchen, the girls' backs are toward me.  They're standing at the window, looking out toward the water.

"What are you guys looking at?" I ask, but when I step close enough to see it for myself, I still can't believe what's in front of me.

"It's gorgeous, isn't it?" Gina says, putting her arm on my shoulder.

"I've never seen anything like it before in my life," I manage to get out.  The sun is setting over the ocean and it's easily the most spectacular thing I've ever seen.  The sky is a dark burgundy with streaks of pink and orange and it hovers above an endless wash of aqua. 

"Maybe we should wake Zane for this," Frankie says.

"No.  I mean, I know he'd love it, but I think he needs the sleep.  He's still not doing very well.  He mentioned to me earlier that he wants to leave here as soon as we can."

"Why?" Frankie says, with some measure of alarm in her voice.

"He thinks it's some kind of trap, or something."

We sit down at the table.  I can see Regina contemplating what I've said.  Then she responds, "It's not going to be easy for him to trust again."

"I know, but we can't leave!  This place is...I mean, look at that!" I say, still focused on the hues of red outside.  "I don't think we'll find anything better than this."

"I agree," she says.  "We're just going to have to make him see everything's going to be okay."

Then, there's a knock at the door.

Chapter 42

Zane

I don't sleep much even though I've never felt more drained.  I doubt I'll really be able to get good rest until we've found someplace I feel is safe enough to settle down in.  I know the girls are going to be hard to convince to leave here.  The bright clean houses and the overly friendly people make it seem perfect, but I know better.  Nothing can be this great.  Life isn't as easy as Mara is making it out to be.  Not when just several days away, in Sacto, things are the way they are.  It doesn't make sense.

              The girls' voices drift up the stairs and, mixed in with them, I hear a low voice--that of a man.  I get up quickly, pull my pants on and head down to see what's going on. 

              The man with flaming red hair from the beach is standing in the kitchen.  My mom is holding a plastic bag in front of her, which he's obviously given her.  His smile is too easy and big for my taste. 

              "Howdy!" Red says to me, showing his perfectly white teeth, which contrast with his many freckles.  "I thought I'd bring you something to eat.  It should hold you over for a bit anyway, until you get settled.  Mara mentioned you guys are thinking about sticking around."

              It wasn't a question, which I find presumptuous.  "Maybe," I say.

              "Wasn't it nice of Red to bring us this?" Bekka says, like she's talking to a child, but is in fact looking directly at me.

              I nod, still looking at him, trying to figure out his motives.

              "Well, it's nice to have new faces around," he says, looking at Frankie.  "The more the merrier is what I always say."

              "You come from the same place as Mara?" I ask him.

              "Yep."

              "Why'd you leave there?"

              "Zane," Bekka scolds.  "That's enough.  He came to give us food, not get bombarded with questions."  She gives a nervous laugh, like she's embarrassed of me.

              "I'm just curious," I say, trying to play dumb.

              "It's okay," Red says.  "I don't mind.  A bunch of us in our late teens, early twenties, thought we knew better.  You know how it is.  We wanted to break from the parental figures.  No offense," he says, looking at my mom.

              She smiles.  "None taken."

              "So you chose to move away from your families?" I say harshly, even though Bekka is still giving me the evil eye.

              "Sure.  Is that bad?" His smile finally fades.

              "No.  It's just that I fought hard to get mine to be together, that's all."

              "Well," my mom says calmly, "they are obviously different scenarios, Zane."

              Frankie breaks in by asking Red, "What do you do here?"

              He keeps his gaze on Frankie as he answers, like he's too afraid to engage in my direction anymore, which makes me happy because I want him to be afraid of me.  "I mostly fish.  I have a little boat.  I also hunt for clams just off the shore.  If you guys are interested in learning, I'd be happy to take you out and show you how sometime."

"That sounds great," Frankie says smiling at Red. 

He returns the smile then looks back at me tentatively.  "Well, I better get going.  I'm an early morning guy.  Gotta be up first thing to get the good fish.  Like I said, you ever want to come along, I'm just down the beach in the blue house with the little white boat in the carport."

He turns to go. 

"Thank you again," Mom says, holding up the package.

When he's gone, she brings the bag to the counter and starts removing the contents.  "So...all we need to do now is figure out how to cook this," she says.

Bekka goes over and examines it.  "He said it was fish."  She backs away.  "I'm sure it's good but it smells awful.  Yikes."

Frankie joins them and starts opening cabinets.  "Well, how hard can it be?  We just need to heat it up, right?" 

They're all fumbling around in an attempt to cook the fish, as I head out the kitchen door and walk down the beach a short distance.  I sit in the sand and take in the surroundings in for minute.  The tail end of what looked like a vivid sunset is breaking up.  I've seen pictures of oceans before and sand is something I've even encountered once or twice, back in the city, but not like this.  This is so white and almost soft to the touch.  I take some up in my hand and pour it out, just listening to the sound it makes trickling back down to the beach. 

Yet it's the water that has my full attention.  The size of it and the way it just disappears, it's like looking at the edge of the world and it makes me wonder if there really is anywhere else to go.  Could this be it?  The last stop.  I suppose we could follow the coast north.  Mara said they came from the south and there is a larger group there.  But if they left, it must not be a good situation either.  So maybe North is the only option.  Maybe a place with people isn't what we want after all.  If I can learn how to build one of their water deals, we can set up and live in peace and quiet without the worry of others.  Alone seems like the best option for us.  There must be other houses just like these, sitting...waiting for us.

Bekka

Furious with Zane's behavior, I say after he storms out, "See what I mean?  What are we going to do with him?"  I want help, support from them, but I keep getting the same line over and over.  It's starting to wear thin.

              "We're going to have to give him some time and space to heal," Gina says. 

              "I'd be happy to... if only he'd stop talking about leaving."

              "He will," she says with confidence.  I don't know why she's so sure.  Zane is stubborn when he decides something and she has never been the kind of parent who commanded authority over his choices.  Nonetheless, having her here and knowing she does have an influence on him makes me feel a little bit better.  I just wish she'd be more assertive with him. 

I try to relax as we sit to eat the fish, which ends up tasting almost as bad as it smells.   But we're hungry, so we all eat it with no complaints.  Well, maybe a few.

              "So this is what people did before foodbars were invented," Frankie says.

              "I'm sure it would taste better if we'd have cooked it right," I say, choking it down.

              Regina nods.  "I think one of us is going to have to get some lessons."

              "Cooking lessons," Zane snorts under his breath.

              "You know, Zane," Regina says in her usual calm manner, "Mara said something earlier that I thought was very interesting.  She said they try to enjoy life here.  I think that might be a good idea for us.  We've been through enough, don't you think?"

              He puts down his fork and looks at her.  "It would be great if that was really how life was, but I just don't see how that can be true.  I mean, all we did in Sacto was work and struggle and suffer.  How can it be that these people can lounge and relax and ride those wave boards all day?"

              "If you think about it, honey," Regina says thoughtfully, "it doesn't sound that different from the place your father was living, from what you told me about it."  She pauses to let her words sink in.  Then adds, "It's going to be hard for us to adjust, but I think it's all a matter of perspective.  They don't have a war going on here.  There's no reason for them to fight.  Isn't that what you've been searching for?  Maybe they really can manage to get by here without much sacrifice...  The people we've met so far sure seem happy."

"Your mom's right, Zane.  They have all the water they want.  There's nothing to fight about," I add.

              "I think it's a ruse," he says stubbornly.  "They're covering something up."

              "What?" Frankie asks.

"I don't know yet, but I don't intent to stick around and find out," Zane says, his voice raising again. 

"Well, I think I'd like to stay," Frankie says, though not confrontationally.  She sounds almost bubbly, in fact.  Getting up from the table, she says cheerfully, "If you'll excuse me, I'm going to turn in and get up early and see what this fishing thing is all about."

Zane looks like his head is going to explode when she says it, like he can't believe what he is hearing.  I take his plate and say gently, "Come on. Why don't you help me with the dishes.  Your mom looks like she could use some more rest, too."

Gina smiles at me, but it's true.  She napped but still looks tired.  I don't blame her.  It was a long journey and it's hard to believe she made it all this way.  It's hard to believe any of us did.  I'm sure she's still processing everything.  I wonder what it must feel like to have lived over fifty years in the same place and then to up and leave it all behind.  Zane takes after her in a lot of ways because she doesn't give away her thoughts too easily.     

"Thank you, Bekka.  I'll see you in the morning."  She gets up and kisses me on the cheek before doing the same to Zane and heads up the stairs.