Run, Mummy, Run

A
isha touched the photograph and then moved it slightly to the right, trying to find its correct position. It had to sit at exactly the right angle, with the light streaming onto her face so that it showed her at her best. Mark liked it that way, he said it reminded him of the day when they had posed for the photograph – on the bench beneath the large oak tree. The sun had filtered through the leaves of the branches overhead, casting little diamond patterns onto the material of her dress. The two of them, with their arms entwined, taking their eyes from each other just long enough to smile into the lens. Mark had stopped a passer-by and had asked him if he would mind taking their photograph, then he’d given Aisha a framed copy, as a token of his undying love, he said.

Aisha inched the photograph left and right again and then saw a smudge, a fingerprint, on the glass. She picked it up and rubbed it hard with the sleeve of her cardigan until all trace of it had gone. She knew how Mark hated dirt, how angry he would become if he saw it. Mark said dirt was a sign of a slovenly and untidy mind, and that it was the inside of a person coming out and couldn’t be tolerated. It wasn’t Aisha’s fingerprint on the glass; oh no, she would never have been so careless. It must have been the inspector when he’d picked up the photograph and examined it, as though a clue might be concealed within, and then returned it to the bureau, only in the wrong position and leaving his fingerprint.

Aisha silently cursed the inspector for his thoughtlessness – she was going to have to go through the whole of the downstairs of the house, making sure he hadn’t touched and sullied anything else. She resented it as much as she resented the inspector’s intrusion in the first place – his self-assumed right to ring on the doorbell and then stand there with his WPC expecting to be admitted. It was a liberty, that’s what it was! Apart from which, didn’t he know she wasn’t allowed visitors when Mark was out? Didn’t he know the consequences for her if she was found out? He was playing roulette with her life.

Aisha moved away from the photograph and crossed the lounge to the armchair, which was backed hard up against the wall. She’d sat in that chair every night since the accident, every night watching and waiting, on guard for her life. She flopped down into the chair and rested her head back. She was exhausted. Everything seemed such an effort – walking, eating, washing, even thinking tired her to the point of collapse. She closed her eyes and tried to block out the inspector’s questions; so many questions with so few answers, they ran on and on like a tape recorder set on continuous, with no pause or stop button.

Where exactly had you been on the night of the accident, Mrs Williams? Where were you going? Was your husband away much on business? Would you describe your marriage as happy, Mrs Williams?
On and on, making her head spin and her stomach cramp, nauseous with fear. And she’d seen their furtive glances when she’d taken time to answer a question, or stumbled, or repeated herself. She saw. Did they think she wouldn’t notice? That she was so blinded by grief that she couldn’t see? Or perhaps they thought the colour of her skin prevented her interpreting their looks and silence, as Mark had done.

Of course she had lied. There was nothing else she could have done, because to tell the truth would have sent her to prison and the children into care. And what would have been the point in that? It would have all been for nothing and they would be better off dead. Which might still be an option if the inspector persisted, and she couldn’t answer his questions, or sort out the chaos running through her head.

‘But what could I have told you, Inspector?’ she said out loud into the empty room. ‘What could I have told you that would have justified what I did? That I cried for so long and so hard that my tears fell like ice, and my heart crystallized, just like in the story of the Snow Queen that my father used to read to me as a child? And from my heart’s cold dense mass came a determination, a single-minded purpose – the will to survive – so that when I saw the opportunity I was able to seize it as the only escape. That is the truth, Inspector, honestly. Not that it’s going to do me any good.’

A
isha had always been destined to achieve. It was her father’s philosophy – to carve a small notch in the world, fuelled by purpose and ambition.

‘Set your sights high, Aisha,’ he often said, ‘and you can have whatever your heart desires. I am the living proof. I came to this country with nothing, now look at me.’

He was right, of course, it was there for all to see, an example to follow – something to aspire to. Aisha remembered how, when she was a child, he would shut himself away in the box room he called a study, and there, bent over his books, he had followed a correspondence course in accountancy. Night after night, weekends and bank holidays, with his meals brought to him on a tray, for five years until he had qualified. Occasionally she’d been allowed to take his supper up to him, a privilege she yearned for, but then doubted she was up to.

‘Don’t go in until he tells you,’ her mother warned each and every time she carried the wooden tray covered with its fine lace tablecloth up the creaking stairs. ‘Put the tray down while you open the door. Use both hands, and don’t rattle the door or you’ll disturb his train of thought.’

Aisha did as she was told; she followed her mother’s instructions exactly, bursting with childish pride but at the same time almost recoiling from the responsibility. Once, the door had stuck, and no matter how hard she’d turned and twisted the knob it wouldn’t open. She panicked and did what her mother had forbidden and rattled the door, then waited, hot and fretting, for her father to open it. She had disturbed his train of thought, he would be annoyed, and she would never be asked to take his tea up again.

But he hadn’t been annoyed. He’d smiled as he opened the door, his tired and bloodshot eyes saying he understood and she was forgiven. Aisha mumbled a child’s apology and passed up the tray. ‘Don’t worry,’ he said. ‘I’m pleased for the chance to stretch my legs.’ But the door had immediately closed again and she’d turned and fled, bitterly disappointed. For not only had she failed in the task, but she’d also missed the opportunity of going into the study, and the rare glimpse of the Aladdin’s cave: the huge oak desk which dominated most of the small room and was piled high with papers and books; the spotlamp which her mother had bargained for at a bring-and-buy sale, its beam of light concentrating on the exact spot where he worked, the rest of the room falling into its shadow. And Aisha had known for as long as she could remember that in that room lay the secret of success, and one day she would follow in her father’s footsteps and make him as proud of her as she was of him.

When she won a scholarship to the best girls’ school in the area, her father had built her a desk of her own. He constructed it from nothing, just planks of wood, jars of nails, and a drawing he’d sketched on an old envelope. Aisha thought it was incredible, marvellous, the way he created it. She and her mother had sat in the lounge, night after night, listening to the sawing and hammering coming from the conservatory where he worked. Night after night for weeks and weeks before the final stage came – the gluing, sanding and varnishing, the acrid smell and fine dust floating into the house, despite him keeping the door to the conservatory closed. He toiled away week after week, every evening and weekend; for when her father set his mind to something he did it with complete determination.

He’d had to take the desk up to her bedroom in pieces and assemble it in situ, as it was too large and heavy for the three of them to carry up the stairs and then make the tight right turn at the top of the landing and into Aisha’s bedroom. Once in place there was some final sanding and varnishing – touching up – before her mother vacuumed her bedroom and she was finally allowed to see in. He told Aisha not to look and she placed her hands, palms down, over her eyes as he led her up the stairs and into her room, her mother following. The three of them were quiet and she felt her heart racing as the tension built and her excitement mounted. She wouldn’t peep; she knew better than to peep and spoil the surprise. Only when he had positioned her directly in front of the desk was she allowed to take her hands away and look.

‘Well?’ he asked tentatively. ‘What do you think? We can make some changes if you like. I know it’s not perfect.’ He laughed nervously and waited for her comment, suddenly small and vulnerable in seeking her approval.

‘It’s beautiful,’ Aisha cried. ‘Of course it’s perfect. Thank you so much.’ She kissed his cheek before rushing over to explore the magnificent desk.

It was made of dark mahogany wood with an inlaid pattern of lighter wood around the edge. There was a carved well for pens and pencils, and three drawers either side. She looked at the little brass locks and turned one of the keys.

‘For your personal papers,’ her father said. ‘It was tricky fitting those locks. They were so small, I kept dropping them. I must be getting old.’

Aisha kissed him again and saw how he grew with pride for they all knew that the desk was far more than a table for studying; it was a symbol of achievement, and everything she could and would accomplish.

‘You’ve made your mother and me very proud, Aisha,’ he said. ‘Very proud indeed. And I know you will continue to do so in the future.’

They’d had to buy her school uniform during the summer holiday before Aisha started at the girls’ school in September. The uniform was navy with a bright logo on the blazer pocket; instantly recognizable, and signalling the wearer as someone who was clever enough to go to St Martha’s. The uniform was only available from one leading London store and the three of them had made a special trip into the city, with her father visiting the building society on the way; he preferred to pay in cash, rarely used a chequebook, and refused all offers of credit cards.

‘What we can afford, we will buy,’ he said. ‘And what we can’t, we’ll save for.’ Which seemed to Aisha most sensible and something else she should remember for the future.

After they’d bought the uniform, they had lunch in the store’s restaurant on the top floor. Her mother had hesitated as they walked in and a waiter in a black suit and bow tie greeted them. ‘It’s not for us, Ranjith,’ she whispered, holding back. ‘Let’s find somewhere else.’

Her father insisted. ‘It most certainly is,’ he said, drawing himself up to his full height. ‘This is to celebrate our daughter’s achievement. It will make the day complete.’

But they had sat quietly at the table with its starched white tablecloth and crystal centrepiece; quiet and stiffly upright, with their bags and packages tied with the store’s ribbon tucked well under their chairs. Aisha had felt as conspicuous as her mother obviously did, and wished they’d gone somewhere less grand. When she finally dared to raise her head and steal a glance around, she saw that those seated at the tables nearby were far more at ease than she and her parents were. Others spoke loudly, rested their elbows on the tables, and talked as they ate, all of which was strictly forbidden at the dinner table in her house. It seemed to Aisha that if you were confident enough, then your surroundings were there for your convenience and not the other way around. Only those who were unsure of themselves adhered strictly to the rules of etiquette and convention and worried about what others would think. So she allowed one elbow to rest lightly on the table, looked the waiter in the eye, and pretended to enjoy what her father had ordered – the delicate pink fish with a peculiarly sharp sauce and the neat bundles of thin vegetables arranged along one side of the plate. The three of them had eaten carefully, with her mother repeatedly dabbing the napkin at the corner of her mouth, their silence broken only by her father’s occasional comment about the high standard of the place. Aisha ate and feigned enjoyment for her father’s sake but was grateful when he finally called for the bill and they could leave.

Her mother had taken her to school on her first day to show her the way on the tube; then after that she’d gone by herself with her books in a large bag on her shoulder. Aisha was surprised by how easily she adapted to the new school. While her classmates forgot things and missed their friends from their junior schools, she met the challenge head-on and relished it. After all, this was what she’d been aiming for – the first step along the road to success. And although she wasn’t the most popular girl in her year, which seemed to rely on being an extrovert, she was loyal and quietly confident and would always help a friend who was struggling with her homework.

Each and every evening after dinner Aisha went up to her bedroom and studied at her desk beneath the spotlamp her father had given her. The beam of light seemed to focus her attention as though diffusing the knowledge into her, so that she had only to read something once, with complete concentration, and she remembered it.

‘You’ve made a good start,’ her father said when she presented him with her first end-of-year report. ‘Well done, keep it up. Don’t be lulled into complacency. There’s a long way to go yet.’

Aisha continued following the doctrine of hard work and determination and won a place at Nottingham University, where she allowed herself only one day off a week to socialize. It was usually a Saturday, and she and a few like-minded friends went to the theatre, cinema, or for a walk along the river to a local bistro. Among this group of friends was a young man called Rowan whose parents were plantation owners in Sri Lanka. Rowan had been sent to England to study, and once he graduated he would take his education home for the benefit of the family business. Aisha never mentioned Rowan to her parents when she phoned, instead she told them of all the little details of college life which her father loved, having never had the opportunity to go to university himself. Why she never told them, she wasn’t sure; it was just something she left out. She and Rowan remained good friends – but only friends, nothing more – throughout the three years. Coming from similar backgrounds, they both recognized the privilege of education, and made sure their parents’ money didn’t go to waste. When they graduated, both with first class honours, Rowan packed, ready to leave as soon as the results were published.

‘I’ve done what I set out to do,’ he said stoically. ‘Now it is time for me to go.’ If he had any regrets, he certainly didn’t say.

Aisha went with him to Birmingham Airport and waited until his flight was called. They wouldn’t write, they had agreed there was no point. He was returning to his homeland where he was promised in marriage to a girl from a good Tamil family. Aisha watched him go into the departure lounge and waved as the smoky-grey doors closed and he was lost from view. She admired his tenacity and his single-mindedness: they were qualities her father would have approved of if he’d known about their friendship and things had been different. The following day Aisha also packed, she too was expected to return home. She had secured a graduate trainee position with a bank in the City which offered a very good promotion ladder.

With her first month’s wages, to say thank you for all the sacrifices her parents had made that had allowed her to go to university, she bought them a holiday in India; it would be their first visit in twenty-five years. ‘I owe you both so much,’ she said. ‘It’s a small gift in comparison to what you have given me.’

Her father’s eyes moistened as he accepted the tickets. ‘You’ve made us very proud, Aisha, very proud indeed. I only wish you could come with us and meet your cousins, they too will be proud of you.’

‘Next time, maybe,’ she said. ‘There’s so much to learn at work and I want to make a success of it. You know how it is.’