Run Away Baby (11 page)

All the sex Abby and Randall were having was taking a toll on her relationship with Charlie. They were coming up on their two month anniversary, and they’d suddenly hit a dry spell of no sex and little communication for ten days. She only had so much to give, especially since sex with Randall required props and backstories and costumes.

“I’m sorry I haven’t been more connected lately,” she told Charlie when he picked her up after class one day. “Let’s get back on track.” As soon as they had pulled away and were on their way to Charlie’s apartment, she pulled her skirt up, revealing one of her pairs of crotchless panties.

“Those are sexy. Listen: I figured out how you’re going to do it,” he said.

“Do what?”

“Get away from your husband.”

“That would be
really
great,” she said, smoothing her skirt back down.

“Do you like antiques?”

“Are you being sarcastic?”

“No. Not at all.”

“Oh. I thought you were talking about Randall. No. I don’t have any interest in Randall or other antiques. Why?”

“You need to get interested. As soon as possible.”

“Okay. Why’s that?”

“Because they sell plenty of antiques at that flea market on the highway, many of them are expensive, and they only take cash.”

“Interesting,” she said.

“Think about it: If you got really into antiques, you could withdraw piles of money without making Randall suspicious.”

“That’s a good plan, except our house is really modern. We hate antiques. Randall and me. I mean, he hates them and it’s our house, so… you know. By default, we hate them.”

“Tell him you changed your mind.”

“You don’t think he’d find it pretty suspicious if I suddenly liked them? In fact, I’ve never cared about decorating at all. That’s his thing.”

“That’s not the kind of thing guys find suspicious. I’m a guy. I know what I’m talking about. He’ll believe you.”

“Okay then. So maybe he’d believe that, but like I said, he’s not going to want to live in a house filled with antiques. He’s very particular about how things look.”

“What if you wanted to get a little cabin to furnish or something? Is he
that
rich that you could buy another house?”

Abby felt bad answering this, since Charlie was just a mailman driving an old truck, living in a little apartment. “I’m not sure. I think so,” she said.

“Okay, well, maybe that’s the plan. You want a cabin and the cabin needs to be furnished. Does that sound like something he’d fall for?”

“It sounds pretty farfetched, but I could try it.”

“Good. Give it a try.”

“I will.”

“Awesome. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner, Abby-girl.”

After ten days of only seeing him at work, hearing him call her by her secret name again gave her a little flutter inside. It made her imagine them living together in their own little cabin full of flea market antiques. They’d be happy, and totally in love. Having a sweet, simple life. A fire crackling in a stone fireplace. Quilts on the beds. Maybe they’d even have a baby. And a Victrola!

“Earth to Abby! What do you think?”

“So, how’d you come up with this ingenious plan?” she asked him.

“I was down there at the flea market this weekend, stopping in to see my cousin -- he sells old motors and car parts -- and I wanted to go buy myself a hamburger from the food tent. He said they only take cash. The whole flea market is cash only.”

“What about receipts? Randall is receipt-crazy.”

“Most people write up receipts on those pads with carbons you can buy at office supply stores. And the best part is that the prices are completely unpredictable. You could buy an old dresser for fifty bucks and tell Randall it was $500, and show him a receipt to prove it.”

“It’s a good plan, but how will I get all these antiques home once I buy them?”

“Huh. Good question. I hadn’t thought of that. Maybe you need a new vehicle? Or maybe you could go antiquing for small things?”

“If I’m going to really come up with a bunch of money, I think I need to buy furniture. I guess all I can do is ask Randall for a new SUV. My car is years old, so it’s not like he’ll wonder why I need something different.” Once again she flinched at her own thoughtlessness. Charlie’s truck looked like he’d had it since he was in high school.

“So, yeah. That’s the plan.”

Abby nodded. “It’s really clever.”

“I know. I wish I’d thought of it months ago.”

“Me too,” she said.

“It’s really going to happen,” he said. He looked a little torn. Excited, but nervous. Maybe even a little sad.

“You don’t need to look nervous,” she said. “I’m the one whose whole life could change.”

“Yeah. That’s true.” He looked down.

“And then there’s the question of
how
I’d start over,” she said. “Like, where would I live? What would I do? Would I have a whole new identity? I mean, I’d have to. Right? It’s very complicated.”

“We’ll figure that out later.”

“You’re acting like it’s a minor detail.”

“No I’m not. Not at all. I’m just asking you to go one step at a time.” They’d reached Charlie’s apartment, but before they got out of his truck he took a moment to squeeze her hand “So for now, all you have to do is get really interested in antiques.”

She laughed. “I
really
don’t know how I’m going to make him fall for this,” she said.

“I’ve got faith in you. I’m sure you’ll find a way, Abby-girl.”

Abby peeled off her alien suit and got back in bed beside Randall. “Hey Babe?”

“Huh?”

“Do you think we could get a cabin?”

“What do you mean by cabin?”

“Just that. A cabin. A little getaway place in the woods or by a lake.”

“Why would you want something like that when we have this beautiful home?”

“That’s like comparing apples to oranges, Randall.”

“First I get you a new vehicle, and then the very next day you turn around and want a cabin?”

“I
needed
a new vehicle. My car was getting old.”

“I guess so. But a
cabin?”

“Yeah. Something cute. The total opposite of this place. Not that I don’t love our house, because I do.”

“So is our house the apple or the orange?” he asked.

“It’s the apple. Of course.”

“Is this so you can try out your outdoors skills?”

“Yeah, exactly.”

“If you want to go to the mountains or something, we can take a trip like that. I used to go camping every summer when I was a boy. Did I ever tell you that?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Didn’t you ever see the pictures of me catching fish?”

“Oh, I guess so.”

“Those were at my grandparents’ place up in Wisconsin. My ma’s parents. I called them Granny and Pa.”

“That’s sweet.”

“Until I was about seven we used to go up there every summer. Happiest time of my life. I can still remember it.”

“Cute.”

“Then they both died of lung cancer and that was the end of that.” Randall sighed and shook his head.

“Awe. Sad,” Abby said.

“It was on little river. It didn’t have much else going for it, but it didn’t matter.”

She nodded.

“But it was a different time,” he said.

“Sure,” said Abby.

“None of us knew what the hell was going on. We were totally oblivious. Fishing and singing Kum Ba Yah around the fire at night. It makes me so fucking mad to think back on it. He had us fooled! We were in la la land.”

Abby was pretty sure he meant his father, but she decided it was better not to ask. She nodded.

“We thought we were one happy family. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t perfect. What I remember is how much
space
there was in the woods. It was a different world from that apartment we lived in. And it brought out a better side of both my parents.”

She didn’t know what to say so she patted his shoulder a couple of times.

“No, it wasn’t perfect. But those summers were damn close.”

“It sounds really nice,” she said.

He focused on her again. “Sugartitties, if we go out to the woods, we’re going to stay someplace
nice.
I’m not opposed to doing something like that. I think it’s cute that you’re learning all these things.”

She felt a heavy, sick thud in her gut when he said that. “Oh, Randall,” she said. She’d rather if he were never kind.

“What about that Chateau Marquez Lodge that won all those hospitality awards? They’re always sending us vouchers. I’ll take you there, Sugartitties. They’ve got mooseheads on the wall, or whatever it is you’re looking for.”

“I want our
own
little place, Randall. Somewhere around here, so we can go there all the time. A little getaway place.”

“Where would you want it to be?”

“Not far away. Maybe within an hour or so? Someplace we could go to on the weekends. I don’t know. Is there any place like that around here?”

“We live in Florida, not the Poconos,” he said.

“I know, I know. I guess I want a cute little place to decorate. Maybe what I mean isn’t
cabin.
Maybe it’s
cottage.”
She then laid her trump card: “Like Hal and Marla Bergman’s little place we visited a couple of summers ago.”

“Ohhh. A place like that. A little place.”

“Yeah. Just a little place.”

Randall scratched his armpit. “Yeah. A little place like Hal’s got.”

“We could have a garden and flowers, and a Smeg refrigerator.”

“A what?”

“Never mind.” She realized she was actually getting caught up in this and forgetting the true point of it.

“A
what
refrigerator?”

“And antiques! Would you let me decorate it with antiques?”

“I don’t know about any of this.”

“Danna-Dee mentioned that she and Clark have been thinking of getting a little place, too,” Abby lied. “Or, wait. On second thought, please don’t repeat that to Clark; I think I wasn’t supposed to know about it until they decide if they can afford it.” Trump card two.

“Huh,” Randall said.

“It needs to be kind of close though, because I really want to decorate it, and we want our friends to be able to come to it on the weekends and stuff when we’re hosting barbeques and hammock parties.”

“Hammock
parties? Are you shittin’ me right now?”

“No I’m not shitting you.” She playfully hit him on the arm. He was still dressed in his suit. Alien sex was one of the few times he was willing to make an effort. “I mean, we don’t want to be the last couple to get a cabin, right?”

“
So you’re telling me
Clark
wants a
cabin?”
asked Randall.

“I’m not talking about a place without electricity and running water. I’m talking about a little getaway.”

“I can’t see Clark being into that kind of thing.”

“I think maybe he thinks it’s a good investment.”

“Really?”

“Probably it’s more Danna-Dee’s idea than his, but I got the impression they thought it was, you know, kind of the thing to do. Now remember, Randall: You can’t say
anything
about this to either of them. Danna-Dee was afraid it might be a
smidge
outside their budget, and Clark would probably feel really embarrassed if he knew that you knew about it, and then it didn’t end up happening.”

“I can’t believe he’d have any concern about buying a little place. I get the impression they have plenty of money.”

“I guess you never know.”

“I guess not. How much money are you thinking?”

“You’re
the money expert, Honey. Not me!” She’d already picked up some real estate booklets from the local grocery store; Searching online was never safe. There were tons of inexpensive options. She felt certain if Randall looked into it with any seriousness he’d see they could easily afford it.

“That’s true,” he said, absentmindedly playing with Abby’s hair. “Yeah, I’ll take a look into it tomorrow. We can probably afford a little place without it changing our lifestyle.”

“Can I pick it out?”

“Tell you what, Sugartitties: I’ll pick out the right general location and a budget, and you’re in charge of the rest.”

“Wow,” she said. “Do you really mean it?”

“Yeah. Sure. What the hell. If everyone else is going to buy a cabin, I guess we’d better get one too.”

“And I can pick it out?”

“That’s what I said.”

“And I can even choose the furniture?”

“Even the furniture.”

“Thank you.” She gave him a kiss and almost meant it.

“You’re welcome. Jesus Christ. Why does my cock feel tingly?”

“Weird.” It was, of course, the Derma Numb.

“That’s been happening a lot lately. Every time we have sex.”

“Uh oh. I think it’s a side effect of Viagra,” said Abby.

“Where’d you hear that?”

“I read it in one of Danna-Dee’s
Good Housekeeping
magazines. After prolonged usage, it can be permanent.”

“You don’t say. Shit. I knew those pills were too good to be true.”