Rule of Life (20 page)

• Hurt anyone

• Act without thinking

• Act rashly

• Be aggressive

That’s it, the bottom line. You are going to maintain the moral high ground at all times. You are going to behave honestly, decently, kindly, forgivingly, nicely (whatever that means) no matter what the provocation. No matter what the challenge thrown at you. No matter how unfairly others behave. No matter how badly they behave. You will not retaliate in like kind. You will carry on being good and civilized and morally irreproachable. Your manners will be impeccable. Your language moderated and dignified. There is nothing others can do or say that will make you deviate from this line.

Yes, I know it’s difficult at times. I know when the rest of the world is behaving appallingly, and you have to carry on taking it on the chin without giving in to your desire to floor someone with a savage word, it’s really, really tough. When people R U L E 9 4

are being horrid to you, it’s natural to want to get your own back and lash out. Don’t. Once this rough time has passed, you will be so proud of yourself for keeping the moral high ground that it will taste a thousand times better than revenge ever would.

I know revenge is tempting, but you won’t go there. Not now, not ever. Why? Because if you do you’ll be sinking to others’

level, you’ll be at one with the beasts instead of the angels (see Rule 9), because it demeans you and cheapens you, because you will regret it, and lastly because if you do, then you’re no Rules Player. Revenge is for losers. Taking and keeping the moral high ground is the only way to be. It doesn’t mean you’re a pushover or a wimp. It just means that any action you do take will be honest and dignified and clean.

K E E P I N G T H E M O R A L H I G H

G R O U N D W I L L TA S T E A

T H O U S A N D T I M E S B E T T E R

T H A N R E V E N G E E V E R

WO U L D .

R U L E 9 5

Just Because You Have, Doesn’t

Mean They Have, Too

I was at school with a guy whose family had relatively little money when he was growing up. Actually, compared to many people in the world, he really wasn’t that badly off. But compared to most of the other kids in school, he had less. This is partly what drove him to get a high-powered city job eventually, and he is now very comfortably off. Probably better off than most of the people he was at school with. But boy does he have a chip on his shoulder about money. He hugely resents anyone having money they haven’t worked as hard for as he has, and he makes cutting remarks to friends, such as,

“It’s nice that you can afford to go to the Bahamas for a month on vacation. Not everyone can, you know.” That’s certainly true, but he can.

Look, everyone has troubles to cope with, now and in the past. You can’t give other people a hard time just because they haven’t suffered like you have. Whether you had a rotten childhood, are poor, have a relationship that doesn’t make you happy, didn’t get the job you wanted, or can’t have a dog because you’re allergic—whether your troubles are big or small, the point is that it’s not their fault. You have no idea what else your friends have had to contend with in their lives, or will so in the future. They may not have it any easier than you on balance.

If you go round trying to make your friends feel guilty about having some things easy or good, you’ll just end up damaging your friendships. Then are you going to go round resenting people with more friends than you? No, I know you wouldn’t do that—but some would. And what’s the alternative? Would you wish a miserable childhood or poverty or a bad marriage R U L E 9 5

or redundancy or a dog hair allergy on your friends? I certainly hope not. If you’re living your life the best you can, you’ll want to see as many other people happy as possible. So you should be pleased every time you encounter someone who didn’t have it rough.

I don’t want to be unsympathetic to people with tough lives.

Of course I’m not. But by becoming bitter, you make your life even worse. Just be happy for other people if they don’t have the crosses to bear that you did or do.

That friend of mine, by the way, may have been born into a relatively poor family, but he was born with brains. That’s how come he got into Oxford University and a plum city job. But does he feel guilty toward all those people who weren’t born as clever as him? Of course he doesn’t. But I bet there are people with chips on their shoulders about the fact that he went to a top college and they didn’t. Gosh, what a lot of wasted resentment there is in the world. Let’s do our bit by not adding to it.

B Y B E C O M I N G B I T T E R ,

YO U M A K E YO U R L I F E

E V E N WO R S E .

R U L E 9 6

Do Compare Yourself with Other

People

This isn’t the original version of this book, you know.* In the first edition (as in this one, I invited readers to email me their own Rules. This particular one—which I couldn’t agree with more—was suggested to me by a 16-year-old schoolboy from India. I mention this for two reasons. First, because it just goes to show that you’re never too young to follow the Rules.

And second, because I think it’s significant that this comes from someone who is still in education and therefore expects to learn from other people. It’s a Rule that demands a measure of humility that all of us could do with (well, alright then, I could do with).

People often tell us not to compare ourselves with others. The argument for this is that it’s arrogant if we think we’re better, and demoralizing if we think we’re worse. Also that we’re all different, so the comparison can’t be accurate. However, when you’re at work, you’re constantly set targets for performance, and quite right, too. And, in fact, we should set our own targets in our personal lives, as per Rule 29. And this applies not only to our plans, but also to our own behavior and development.

None of us is perfect—we all know that. We all wish we could be more patient or kinder or more tolerant or harder working or better parents or more sensible with money. But how much more? The best way to decide where to aim is to use someone you respect as a touchstone. “I’d like to be as well organized as this person” or “as calm as that person.” You see? You’re comparing yourself to other people, but in a positive way. It means

*Don’t worry, you’re not missing out. This version is bigger and better.

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you can see how much work you have to do, and you can see that it’s achievable. You don’t have to tell them you’re using them as your guide, although you can certainly ask their advice if it would help.

You might think that it could be depressing always to be comparing yourself with people who are better than you. But as my 16-year-old friend wisely points out, one is good and the other is better. No one is scoring badly here, and anyway you get extra brownie points for the fact that you’re being honest with yourself about where there’s room to improve and then taking positive steps to do it.

Seeing the people around us as teachers is something that comes naturally when you’re 16. Sadly, we can lose that attitude as we get older. But if we have any sense, we surround ourselves with good, positive people, so actually it would be odd if we couldn’t learn from them, wouldn’t it? And it’s our best chance of beating Rule 2.**

YO U CA N S E E H OW M U C H

WO R K YO U H AV E TO D O ,

A N D YO U CA N S E E T H AT

I T ’ S AC H I E VA B L E .

**You mean you haven’t learned them by heart? Rule 2 is “You’ll Get Older but Not Necessarily Wiser.”

R U L E 9 7

Have a Plan for Your Career

So where are you going at work? Have you a plan? A goal?

Even a humble aim? If you don’t have any of these, chances are you’re going to drift. If you have a plan, you stand a better chance of getting to where you want to be. Knowing where you want to be is 90 percent of the battle. Knowing where you want to be means you’ve sat down and thought about things, that you’ve been conscious about your future and have focused your attention on it.

Once you’ve looked ahead and decided where you want to be—and there is no right or wrong about where that is, you can be as determined and ambitious as you want—you can plan the logical steps you need to get you there. And once you have those steps, you can work out what you need to do to make each a reality. Is it further qualifications? Experience? To change jobs? To change the way you work? Whatever it takes for you to make those steps is what you have to do. Don’t stag-nate. Don’t get stuck in a rut.

We all need to work to earn a living. Staying at home watching daytime TV really isn’t an option. Work keeps your mind fit and active as well as gets you in touch with other people, and work presents a daily challenge. Believe you me, we are better off with it than without it.

If you don’t have a plan, you could end up anywhere. Yes, sure, that might be exciting, but I doubt that many people end up happy and successful merely by chance. It’s something you have to work at, consciously. And having a plan is part of that conscious effort. I know luck plays a crucial part in some people’s lives, but only a very few. And formulating a plan and R U L E 9 7

working hard while you’re waiting for the luck to turn up doesn’t mean that it won’t, or that when it does you aren’t free to throw away the plan completely.

If you’re not busy planning and working toward the next goal, there is a real chance you can fall into a downward spiral of despondency and apathy. Successful people have “get up and go”—and when they don’t have it naturally, they artificially create it. They pretend to if you like, but the very act of pretending gets them up and about. Try it; it works.

S TAY I N G AT H O M E

WATC H I N G DAY T I M E T V

R E A L LY I S N ’ T

A N O P T I O N .

R U L E 9 8

Look at the Long-Term

Ramifications of What You Do

for a Living

Just as your community has an effect, so, too, does what you do for a living. It is no longer safe or responsible or ethical to carry on working without thinking about what we do and the effect it has. I’m not going to question you about what it is you do. That is entirely for you to do. As a writer, I am aware that a lot of good trees could die young because of me. Balanced against that are the positive effects (I hope) of what I write, and people who are employed as a result of the writing. Ah, but I have no control over their working conditions, so I’m off the hook there. Or am I?

So, for me it is dead trees, the electricity I use in my office, and the pollution caused by trucks delivering books to book-stores, to name but a few by-products of my sitting here tapping away. What about you? Handled any hazardous waste lately? Or designed a missile guidance system? Or logged an entire rain forest? Or does your work provide an essential service or product; does it make people happier, wealthier, or more successful?

What we do for a living has an impact. We can be working in an industry that pollutes, causes harm, is unpleasant and bad.

Or we might be working to help others, to benefit people positively. Knowing that what we do causes an effect—for good or bad—doesn’t mean we have to instantly chuck everything up and change jobs. Nor does it mean we can sit back and relax and think we’re doing OK just because we work in a caring job.

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Every job, every industry has some ramifications—good and bad. Everything we do at work can have great benefit or cause harm. We have to weigh it all up and check how we feel about it. And if we are unhappy we can leave, but not too fast because there’s a great chance we can change things from the inside.

I worked in one industry for a while where I was aware that things were a bit dodgy, so I adopted the line of asking, “What if the press got hold of this, what would that do to us?” I wasn’t whistle-blowing or opposing anyone, merely asking.

But it did draw attention to the fact that what was happening was slightly the other side of a fine line. Maybe you could do the same. Or maybe you can slowly, quietly use the influence that you have and the actions you are able to take to change things ever so slightly for the better.

A S A W R I T E R , I A M AWA R E

T H AT A LOT O F G O O D

T R E E S C O U L D D I E YO U N G

B E CA U S E O F M E .

R U L E 9 9

Be Good at Your Job

How we behave at work has an effect on our colleagues. We need to have standards—and stick to them, of course. We have to be moral and decent and honest and trustworthy, of course. But here are a few others to help you become fantasti-cally successful along the way.

• Treat your job as important and do it to the very best of your ability. Don’t stand still but learn all the time. Stay ahead of your industry and new developments.

• Always be on the lookout for ways to improve the lot of everyone rather than just yourself. Think in terms of “we”

rather than “I.” You are a part of a team and should fit in and be a part effectively and efficiently.

• Try to spread a little happiness as you go. Don’t badmouth people. Stick up for the underdog. Compliment people and be genuine about it. Don’t indulge in gossip.

Keep your own counsel, and be a bit aloof. It’ll get you promoted.

• Dress smartly, and try to make a good impression.

Maintain high standards, and put in the hours. Try not to go to work to sleep or steal the pens or look for love. You are there to work; get on with it.

• Try to be kind to colleagues; they are as lost as you once were. Give them a break, a chance, a bit of slack.

Encourage them by example. Be a role model for junior members of staff. Try to understand your boss’s point of view and to see things from the company perspective.

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• Understand the politics of office life—and don’t get involved of course—but use it to your own advantage.