Ruin (20 page)

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We spent the day in bed. All four of us. It was comical to say the least. As promised, I was allowed to wear a t-shirt and jeans, which made it easier to hold Kiersten without mooning everyone else. She was sitting between my legs and leaning back against my chest. Every once in a while I’d feel her hand tap our cadence against my leg as if she was reminding me that we keep our own time. That time was ours.

Halfway through the last episode of Pinky and the Brain that we could find on YouTube, my dad waltzed in, a few people behind him.

What was he doing?

“Thought you kids would be hungry.” He grinned and moved out of the way as people began setting up something I can only describe as a buffet fit for a king.

“Is that—” Gabe pointed at a giant Salmon fillet.

“Anthony’s catering.” Dad nodded proudly. “At your service.”

“Best. Food. Ever.” Gabe’s mouth dropped open again as he greedily watched the food.

The smell was heavenly. Damn. I owed my dad big for this.

Small plastic cups were handed to everyone, and my dad pulled out a bottle of chilled champagne. “Now, I’m not one for underage drinking.” And he really wasn’t. The one time he caught me partying I’d been grounded for two months. “But, I thought we’d do a toast to my son, Wes.”

Kiersten squeezed my leg.

Champagne was poured into every glass. I knew that I would only be able to eat and drink for another hour before I was told to cut it for my surgery, so I snatched the cup.

“May you have happy dreams and wake up refreshed and ready for surgery. To my son, my fighter, my hero.” Dad lifted the cup into the air.

“Cheers,” everyone said in unison. But I couldn’t find my voice. I stared hard at my dad. He was the brave one, not me. He’d watched his wife and son die and now his only living blood relative was going in for a life-altering surgery. Me? Brave? Nah, the ones that stay behind, the ones that fight alongside you, those are the brave ones. It’s easy to go into surgery, you fall asleep. My battle was almost over, I’d tell my body to fight, and then I’d let the doctors do their jobs.

But theirs? I looked around to the faces of my friends and family — their battle was just beginning.

“Thanks, Dad.” I lifted my glass to him and took a sip. “For everything.”

“Son, I am so damn proud of you.”

My dad had never said that to me before, let alone in front of a room full of people. He gave one final nod and walked out the door.

Gabe jumped to his feet and ran out of the room. I knew the guy was fighting his own demons, so I didn’t fault him that. He probably just needed a minute alone.

“Should we eat?” Lisa asked breaking the silence.

“I’m starved.” I got up from the bed and started making myself a plate. Gabe returned without saying anything about his quick exit.

The food was incredible. I ate until I couldn’t eat anymore.

It was nearing seven. I stopped eating, drank some water, and lay down on the bed, pulling Kiersten in to my body so we could spoon.

“Okay, Lisa.” Gabe grabbed her hand. “I think that’s our cue to exit.” He grinned. “See you tomorrow, man.” He gave me a fist bump and walked Lisa out of the room.

“Are you scared?” Kiersten asked.

“Are you?”

“I asked you first.”

Laughing, I tucked her hair behind her ear and whispered, “I’ll just do it afraid.”

Chapter Forty-Four

For some reason I wasn’t scared…
it was weird. An eerie peace descended over that room and I couldn’t explain it.

Kiersten

“I’m sorry.” Wes kissed my forehead.

I turned to face him. “For what?”

“I told you I’d help you with some of the list.” He laughed and shook his head. “Ways to live… Damn, I thought you knew my secret right then and there.”

I shrugged. “We all suffer deaths in our lives right? We all suffer with darkness… mine was just different than yours.”

“But not any less serious.” Wes touched my cheek. “At any rate, I’m sorry we didn’t finish everything.”

I pulled away. “Are you talking about the cranberry sauce? Because we had that at Thanksgiving.”

“No.” He bit down on his lips. “The other stuff.”

“Hmm…” I’d been keeping the list in my pocket since he’d been in the hospital. The paper was crumpled and had clearly seen better days. I carefully unfolded it and showed it to Wes. “The list is done.”

A line was drawn through every last thing except for what I knew Wes was talking about. “You have a pen?”

He gave me a confused look, then reached to his tray where he’d been playing tic-tac-toe with Gabe and handed me the pen.

Emotion clogged my throat as I carefully drew a line through
Fall in love
, then drew another line through
Get heart broken
. Wes inhaled sharply as my pen hovered over the last line. This time I circled it.
Fall in love anyways
.

A tear rolled down my cheek and landed on the piece of paper.

Wes pulled my face toward his, cupping my cheeks with his hands. “I love you, Kiersten.”

“I love you too,” I choked out. “So much it hurts. It actually hurts.”

He closed his eyes and touched his forehead to mine. “You’re going to marry me someday.”

“Oh, I am?” I said through my tears.

“Yup.” He smiled. “I’m going to get down on one knee and I’m going to ask you to marry me. I’m not a very patient guy, so I’ll let you do two years of school before I pop the question, no more than two years.”

“What if I don’t want two years?”

His eyes opened.

“What if I want now?”

Wes chuckled lightly. “And have your Uncle Jobob hunt me down? I’d rather not…”

“Fine, one year.” My eyes narrowed in a silent challenge.

“One year from this day…” Wes whispered.

I nodded.

“And you’ll be saying I do.”

“And we’ll keep our own time.” I closed my eyes and memorized the feel of his face in my hands. “And we’ll have three kids.”

“Four,” he argued. “Always go for an even number.”

“And we’ll live—”

“Wherever the hell we want.”

“But I will need to finish school.” I sighed and kissed him on the cheek. “Even though you’re loaded, I have to finish school — I chose a major.”

“You did?” Wes sat up. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“It was a surprise.” I grinned through my tears. “Want to know what it is?”

“Teacher?” he guessed.

“Nope.”

“Exotic Dancer?”

I laughed. “Is that a major?”

“It should be.”

“Nursing,” I whispered. “I want to be a nurse. I want to help in the cancer units. I want — I want to help people like you helped me. I want to help them push away the nightmares, the darkness. I want to rescue them, like you rescued me.” I felt more tears stream down my face. “You rescued me and I found my ruin.” I bit down on my lip. “I’m ruined for you — and I won’t ever be the same. It’s the greatest gift anyone’s ever given me.”

He wiped away my tears. “Ruin?”

“Yeah, a ruin, because in helping me knock down all those demons, you built me back up again. And for that, I’ll never be able to repay you.”

“Which is why we’re having four kids, not three,” he whispered.

I laughed and wrapped my arms around his neck. “I love you.”

“I love you too… being with you has been the greatest gift anyone could ever give me, and to think it was all because you assaulted me on your first day of class.”

“I did not—”

“Shh, Lamb.” Wes’s lips touched mine. His tongue tasted like champagne. I kissed him back with everything I had inside of me. The kiss wasn’t the end. It was the beginning, the beginning of our life together.

We kissed until my mouth was swollen from his lips. He tasted every part of me, yet refused to take what I wanted to give him most — myself. He said he wanted something to look forward to when he woke up. Leave it to Wes to use sex as a reason not to die. I had to laugh at his explanation. Then the laughter faded to soft gasps and quiet sighs as his hands roamed all over my body, kissing my chest, my arms, my fingers, he even ran his hands up my calves, kissing the back of my knees as if knees were so special they deserved attention too.

I moaned when his mouth returned to mine and twisted my hands in his dark blond hair. Our tongues danced, our mouths pushed, lips pressed, bodies as close as our clothes would actually allow us. I fell asleep with my mouth on his. He fell asleep with his hands bracing my hips. When I woke up, I was starting the countdown until I married that man. A year from that day. A year from December fifth, and I was going to be Mrs. Kiersten Michels.

Chapter Forty-Five

I dreamt of my mom. Of her long blond hair and happy blue eyes. She was so beautiful. She asked me if I was scared. I told her no. We were sitting on the red swing set my dad had bought me for my
sixth
birthday. She lifted my hands to her lips and kissed my fingers and told me that it would be okay. For some reason, I believed her. Before she disappeared,
she pressed her hands to my chest and closed her eyes.

Weston

“Wes,” Angela murmured. “It’s time to get up, sweetie. We’ve got to get you prepped.”

I yawned and nodded then nudged Kiersten awake. She clung to me for a few brief minutes before leaving the room. I’d see her right before I went in, and I knew she wanted to go get changed since the surgery was going to be at least ten hours.

“How do you feel?” Angela asked like she always did.

“Good.” My eyes narrowed. “So strange. I had a dream about my mom. You look a lot like her.”

“Really?” She tilted her head. “I imagine she was beautiful, so I’ll take that as a compliment.”

I laughed as she helped me into the hospital gown. “Oh, she was, believe me.”

Once I was in the gown, Angela hooked up my IV again and gave me some anti-nausea medication. It was over really quick. My dad came in to give me a hug. Lisa strolled in with a balloon and a teddy bear.

I took the gift and gave her a hug.

The football team didn’t know I was in surgery. My professors didn’t know. But Coach did, so when he walked into the room bawling like a baby, it didn’t take me by surprise. We’d been through hell and back. It was surreal seeing a three hundred pound lineman cry — he’d played for Florida State around twenty years ago. He shook his head and grabbed my hand.

“You beat this and I’ll let you play in the bowl game.”

Laughing, I squeezed his hand. “You better let me play. I’m the star quarterback after all.”

“That you are.” He chuckled and patted my hand. “See you when you wake up.”

“When I wake up,” I repeated after him as he walked out of my room.

Gabe showed up soon after that.

He sat down in silence.

“You okay, man?” I asked.

“Shouldn’t I be asking you that?” He still refused to look at me.

“Gabe…”

“I asked God to give me the cancer. I still wish He would. You’re too good, man. You don’t… I just—” A string of curses poured out that shocked even me. “My mind still can’t comprehend it.”

“Stop trying.” I sighed. “And remember what I said, let it make you different.”

“I’ve been clean for three years.” Gabe rocked back in his chair. “This is the first time since then that I’ve been tempted to throw it all away. The pain is too much and then I feel selfish for thinking about myself. I’m not strong like you.”

“You are,” I argued. “I know you are.”

“Thanks.” Gabe stood and walked over to me. “Thanks for being my friend.”

“Well, Lisa did pay me…” I joked.

“Good to know you still have a sense of humor, jackass.” Gabe smacked my shoulder and hugged me so tight I couldn’t breathe for a few seconds. “You beat the hell out of this cancer or I’m hunting you down, got it?”

“Got it.”

Gabe started walking out of the room when I called him back. “Gabe?”

“Yeah?”

“Be my best man?”

“Best man?”

“Yeah, in three hundred and sixty-six days, I’m getting married to Kiersten. Be my best man?”

“You’ve got yourself a deal.” He chuckled. “Does Kiersten know about this?”

“Of course. She loves me, you know.”

“Yeah, I know.” Gabe laughed again. “See you on the other side, man.”

Ten minutes went by and then Kiersten walked in.

She was wearing a white dress.

“Sorry. This was all I could find on short notice.”

“You’re wearing a—”

“A wedding dress.” She laughed. “I thought it would give you some much needed inspiration. Now you can dream about me in a white dress — you taking me out of said white dress — me saying yes when you ask me to marry you… yes to all of the above.”

“Come here.” I lifted my hands to her. In an instant she was in my arms, her head buried against my chest. “I love you, Little Lamb.”

“I love you too, Wolf.” She sobbed. “You’re my favorite.”

“Favorite what?”

Kiersten drew back her eyes wide with hope. “Favorite everything. You’re my favorite. Out of all the things I could have in the world that would be my favorite, you win. You win all of it.”

“Wow, pretty high praise.” I smiled and dug my hands into her hair.

“What do you love more?” she teased. “My hair or my heart?”

“Why give me only two choices? Don’t leave out your legs, your laugh, the way you bite your lip when you’re thinking, the feel of your breath on my face, the sound of your voice in the morning, the way you taste, the three freckles on your nose, the fan of your eyelashes, the caring spirit, the determined soul — so why stop at your hair and your heart? How do you expect me to choose? When what I love the most about you — is you.”

I could tell she was trying not to cry. Her face was flushed, her eyes blurred with tears.

“I. Love. You.” I looked directly into her eyes. “It’s not the end.”

“I know,” she agreed. “I know it here.” She pressed her hand to my chest, “And I know it here.” She moved her hand and pressed it to her own chest. “Have a nice rest, Wes, and know I’ll be waiting for you when you wake up.”

I nodded.

“It’s time.” Another nurse walked in, one I didn’t recognize. She gave Kiersten a sad smile and escorted her out, just as Angela walked in.

“Alright, sweetie.” Angela cupped my cheek. “Time to go to sleep and when you wake up — no more cancer.”

Confused, I stared at her, I mean really stared at her, I could have sworn I was looking at my mom. I blinked a few times and shook my head.

“Thank you,” I finally said. “You’ve been a fantastic nurse.”

“Remember one thing.” She grabbed my bed and began rolling it out the door.

“What?” I asked as she paused in the rolling.

“You may not see every single piece of the puzzle that creates your life — you may not see every move the grand chess player makes — but know, He is in complete control of the game board. Sometimes certain pieces are moved or knocked over to make room for new ones. Other times, things happen because of the world we live in. But everything, in the end, will always turn out for good. It’s a nice promise, isn’t it? To know that there’s a reason for it all? A reason for your cancer — maybe by having cancer you’ve saved the lives of three of your best friends. Had you not been sick, would you have met them? Had you not been sick, would you have found the love of your life? Maybe it’s not in the perfection of life that things make sense, but in the chaos.”

She stood and pushed me down the hall. Her words haunted me the entire way. As I was rolled into the surgical room, I reached for her hand. She gripped mine hard within hers. And then, when I was given the injection to sleep, I looked to my right, at her left hand… on her ring finger was a ring. The exact one my father had given my mom, the one she wore until the day she died… I opened my mouth to say it, but heaviness invaded my eyes, I fell into a deep sleep, a smile on my face.