Royce (27 page)

Michael was home now and he saw her answer the phone and put her hand over her heart, “Its Justin, I’ll be back,” she picked up her keys and ran out the door.  Michael was not happy about that, he went behind her, “What is it Joy?  What can’t he do this time?”  His anger clearly showing, “Its Justin, Michael he needs me,” she started the car.  He stopped her by knocking on her window, “You have to let him handle these things Joy, he has to learn, sink or swim!”  “Michael, it’s not him, it’s Justin, I’m doing this for Justin,” she backed out and left Michael standing there. 

Joy drove fast to Royce’s and rang the doorbell and through the door she could hear Justin’s wails.  Royce opened the door, she could see his eyes, worried, concerned, scared, he handed her Justin. “It’s okay baby boy, it’s okay,” she tried to soothe him, but Justin was in no mood for anything, he was having a complete ballistic crying fest.  Joy went to Justin’s room when she saw he wasn’t responding to her voice.  Royce stood in the middle of the family room, he didn’t know what to do with himself, he ran his fingers through his hair.

Joy closed the door and sat down in the pale green stuffed rocker, “It’s okay baby boy, Mommy’s here,” she tried to soothe him. Royce could still hear Justin’s wails and he was grateful Joy was here, and less than a minute later it was silent, no more crying, “What the hell… what did she do?”  

He walked down the hall and quietly opened Justin’s door, he saw Joy sitting in the rocker her blouse open, her red lace bra unhooked in the front and he saw Justin nursing at her breast.  She was saying soothing words to him and he walked in and gently closed the door.  Joy looked up at him and smiled.  He walked over to them, Justin wasn’t crying, but he was winding down, making little sounds and faces like he was going to cry, but then he’d suck more milk from his mother.  Royce got on his knees in front of Joy; this had upset him more than he wanted to admit.  He put his arms around her, he was thankful she was here, but he knew why Justin cried, it was Karen, and now he didn’t know what to do, he held on to Joy. 

He laid his head against her as she nursed Justin.  Joy could see he was clearly upset, that this was bothering him, “It’s okay Royce, it happens, babies cry, it’s not the end of the world,” she said softly.  He lay his head against her and held her, “I know but I couldn’t get him to stop Joy.  I couldn’t get him to stop,” he said sadly, with her free hand she held him and caressed his face and ran her fingers along his hair. “It’s okay Royce, we’ve all been there.” “Have you Joy, have you been there?”  “Of course I have, it happens Royce, he just has to get use to coming to stay with you again that’s all,” he held her tighter,
no it was Karen,
he thought, Joy soothed him and Justin both.  Justin was quieter now and Royce needed her, she caressed him and soothed him too.

After a while his knees hurt like hell, but he didn’t want to leave Joy’s warmth, he didn’t want to leave her soothing words and soft caresses, he needed her, needed what only she could give, a sanctuary, a safe place to fall, and he needed that or he would fall to pieces.

Joy soothed him with her caresses and kissed the top of his forehead, her calm warmth radiating to him and apparently Justin too.  Royce saw his little arm, the hand he had been using to rest on his mother’s breast fall away limp he was asleep, and Royce couldn’t stop holding on to Joy. 

Joy could still feel the tight tension in Royce, this had gotten to him, mentally gotten to him, and she didn’t want that.  Royce was easy, he had a boyish charm and a playful side, she wanted him to still be that, she didn’t want this to change him; she wanted him to be Royce.  Justin needed him to be Royce and she was going to help him, help him not lose himself.

She kissed the top of his forehead, “Let me lay him down,” he released her, but he wanted to hold her more.  She eased up gently and laid Justin down in his crib, and pulled his blanket over him and he wanted to scream, “NO!  Not in here, Karen is here!”  But he let her or he knew he’d have to explain why and he didn’t want to do that, he’d already told so many lies, he didn’t want to tell another.  She adjusted her bra, hooked it and buttoned her blouse.  She walked to the door and turned off the switch that worked his lamp, his nightlight came on automatically. She eased the door closed.

She walked to the master bedroom Royce close behind and closed the door, “Are you okay Royce?”  She asked softly looking deep into his eyes. “Yeah, I’m getting there,” and Joy could see in his eyes he wasn’t where he needed to be yet. “Come on,” she took his hand and walked to the leather lounger. “This is a great chair and it was a great buy too,” she scooted back on the lounger and he went with her, “I found it on sale at a leather store going out of business.”  She pulled him in her arms and with her arms around him she stroked his hair and he nestled against her, against her warmth, “It’ll get easier Royce, it’s just his first visit.”

“I hope so,” he held her, his arms around her, “I don’t know what I’m doing Joy.  I’m a terrible father, I can’t even stop a baby from crying.” 

“No, no Royce, it just got the best of you this time, that’s all, and you’re a great father…”

“No, I’m not,” and he wanted to say
I didn’t protect him.

Don’t be so hard on yourself, all your kids love you, you know that. Justin loves you, he was just upset tonight and he doesn’t have the communication skills to let you know what’s bothering him yet, all he can do is cry,” she said softly, and he was thinking,
thank God or he’d tell you I let Karen brutalize him.

“I don’t know Joy, I feel like a…like I don’t know what I’m doing, like I…I don’t have what it takes to do this.”

“Oh Royce don’t think that…I mean after all it’s been a rough year for you… Most people don’t go through what you’ve been through…” “Like?”  He asked.  “Well you found out you had a baby by…” “By what Joy?”  “By me, a woman not your wife,” and he held her closer and she felt his lips against her throat as he said, “That was the best thing that happened to me Joy. I love him so much, god I love him so much, that was a good thing that happened to me this year,” he said against her, “Oh baby don’t feel bad about that,” he said his warm lips against her soft skin.

“Well still even if it was good it was unexpected.  You had a court case to get through and on top of all that you got divorced, it’s been a tough year for you Royce,” and he didn’t feel that way, it was Justin that bothered him, his reaction to Karen. “And,” she continued, “Maybe it’s just that you miss what you had, the family you had and…you miss your wife,” she added and he scoffed, “That is the last thing I miss, believe me when I say this Joy divorcing Tammy was one of the best things that happened to me this year,” and Joy laughed in spite of the seriousness of what he said, he laughed a little too, “Okay, I won’t go there then.”

“It’s the kids I worry about, the kids I’m concerned with. I want to make sure they’re okay with all this,” and Joy kissed his forehead, “See and you think you’re not a good father, you are Royce, you are a good father.  Only a good father would think about his children in a situation like this,”
yeah, he was thinking he hoped he wasn’t raising a psychopath, a sociopath and a scarred little boy.

“Keep doing right by them Royce, all you can do is keep doing the right thing and everything should turn out okay.” “I know, but I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing,” and Joy didn’t want him to be like this, she didn’t want him to be so hard on himself, she needed him to be Royce, Justin needed him to be Royce.  “I know babe, but trust in yourself, listen to your heart and you can’t go wrong, okay,” and Royce heard her call him
babe,
and he loved it, and her words hit home,
trust in yourself and follow your heart.

Royce relaxed and laid back, he grabbed one of the decorative pillows and placed it under his head and he rested against the armrest.  Joy felt him finally wind down, he was like a tightly woven spinning top, she felt him relax and she held on not wanting to let him go.  She was relaxed holding Royce, one leg draped across him, he was sitting sideways on the lounger, his long legs stretched out in front of him, his upper torso pressed against her holding her.  She saw his strong muscled thighs and wanted nothing more than to run her hands up and down them feeling their strength.  She knew Michael would go ballistic if he saw what she was doing, but there was something about Royce and he needed her right now. 

They stayed talking for a long time before Joy said, “I better go,” and he said, “I know, I didn’t mean to keep you.”

Michael had been waiting up for Joy, she’d been gone far too long, hours had passed since she ran out the door because he called.  He heard the garage door going up, he’d long ago sent the kids to bed, he sat in the dark room, the TV the only light and waited.  She came through the door and he was waiting, “What took you so long?”  He demanded. “Oh Michael, I know it took longer than expected,” she said tiredly.  Joy was in the kitchen now, she’d turned on the light in the dark house when she came in, “Justin was hysterical tonight.”  Michael walked up close to her and leaned in close and sniffed. 

Joy leaned back, “What are you doing?”  “I’m checking to see if my wife is still my wife and not another man’s,” her heart raced.  He’d promised he wouldn’t hurt her again, “Michael no, it was for Justin.  Please believe that, please understand that.  Royce is his father and I have to see him, but I was there for Justin that’s all,” and she believed that.  Being there for Royce only came once she got there; it wasn’t her reason for going.  Justin was her reason for being there, he needed her.  Michael stood there, he’d smelt what he wanted, the scent of Royce was all over her, “Uh huh,” he knew she was telling the truth.   Joy was a horrible liar and didn’t do it often, but Royce’s scent was present.

But she was gone so long, “Well what happened? What took so long?”

“Oh my god, when I got there Justin was frantic, he was beyond hysterical,” he looked at her, “I’m telling you I’ve never seen him like that, I don’t know…I think he has to get used to seeing Royce again…you know staying the weekend.” “Yeah, I’m sure.” “Yeah, I think so and he’s older now, he’s ten months old, he’s getting his personality now,” Michael was looking at her for signs, any sign that there was something between her and Royce and he saw none. 

“I’m going to bed, that wiped me out,” she wanted to get away from him and his scrutiny; he was looking at her so hard like he was trying to penetrate her soul and she didn’t like it and she felt fear in her heart.  She didn’t want that other Michael to come back, the jealous of Royce, Michael, the Michael who hurt her.

Royce went back into the house after watching Joy drive off, it was late now, he thought he’d take the kids out to dinner, but now it was close to midnight.  He went upstairs to check on them, Karen’s light was still on, he knocked on her door, she opened it. “Hey daddy,” she said with a smile, “Hey, you alright, are you hungry?”  “I was, but that was a while ago, I’m not now.” “Okay, what time is your game tomorrow?”  “Ten o’clock” “Okay, I’ll wake you at eight.” “Okay daddy,” “How’s your room now that you’ve had a chance to check it out?”   “I love it, just love it, you had a good decorator,” and he smiled from ear to ear. “Look at this, this is so cool,” he followed her to what he thought was an armoire. 

She opened it and inside was a desk and chair, and above and on the sides were cubbies and all kinds of spaces to put books and other things, and on the desk was a note pad, a purple pencil holder full of pens and pencils, the letter “K” painted in gold, a cork board in front of the desk already held decorative purple with a gold “K” thumbtacks waiting for Karen to pin what she wanted to it. “Wow this is cool,” Royce said. “I can lock it and everything. I love it daddy,” “I’m so glad honey,” he gave her an awkward hug, “Okay honey, see you in the morning.”

He went to check on Dillon; his light was on too, “Come in!”  Dillon yelled when he knocked and he had to knock loudly, “Whoa Dillon, that’s kind of loud don’t you think?”  “Oh sure,” Dillon said and turned it down; he didn’t want to say it was because of the crying. “How are you, are you okay?” “Yeah dad,” “You hungry or are you okay now?” “I’m fine dad,” “Okay well how’s your room, is it okay with you?”  “Oh yeah, it’s fine,” and Royce looked at him, Dillon was giving him nothing, no emotion or anything, “So you like it a little or a lot?”  He asked fishing for more information. “A lot,” and that was it, no more information forthcoming, “Okay well then don’t stay up to late, we’ve got your sister’s game tomorrow, we’re waking up at eight.” “Okay,” Dillon said and he had already gone back to his game.

He went downstairs and eased Justin out of his crib and took him to his room and eased him down in his bed trying not to wake him.  Karen was here and he didn’t trust her.

The next morning he was up bright and early, he looked outside, it was cloudy and overcast and he had a slight hope that it would rain and the game would be canceled, but as he made Justin’s cereal the dark clouds moved away and the sky was bright blue and filled with puffy white clouds,
so much for that
,
looks like we’re going to a game.
  He’d placed boxes of cereal and milk on the table.  He saw Karen wince and frown when she saw him feeding Justin.  Dillon came in, Game boy in hand, he hadn’t even looked up.  He waited for them to get their bowls and sit at the table.  He’d placed the cereal and milk there for a reason.  He saw the sour expression on Karen’s face.

“Dillon turn off your Game boy.” “I can’t dad I’m in the middle of a game,” he looked squarely at him, “Turn it off or you lose it,” and Dillon turned it off.  Karen was already slouched in her chair like she was already mad at the world.  He looked at both of them, from one to the other.  “This is my home, our new home, all of ours, mine, yours and Justin’s, and in this house we respect one another.  I will not tolerate what went on at your mother’s,” they looked at him, Karen looked about to protest, he went on, “I will not tolerate hateful looks at Justin,” and he looked at Karen, “You know you do that, so don’t act like you don’t,” he said squarely.