Rough Stock (31 page)

Behind Paul, Jill Sykes tried quickly to stifle the glare she was giving them just as soon as Rowan’s eyes met hers. Jill plastered a pageant smile on her face, and Rowan returned it, not really caring that she’d have to work side by side with the odious woman.

It was such a relief not to have to drive to Alpine for work. Working the farm and a full-time job would be difficult, but every little break would help.

“Thank you, Paul,” Rowan gushed. “Thank you so much. You have no idea how much I appreciate this.”

He grinned and patted Willow on the head. “I’m looking forward to working with you.”

Rowan nodded, returning the sentiment before heading into Dad’s room to collect him. This time her smile was real and unforced, and she reminded herself that Dad didn’t know anything about Seth, nor would he. It was over before it began, really, and there was no point in rehashing it with anyone else.

“Today’s the day!” she said cheerfully, helping him with his fleece-lined slippers.

Dad smiled and looked relieved to be going home. Though he couldn’t pick up Willow, he slung an arm around her and kissed the top of her head. Rowan knew he was as happy for them to move in as they were to move.

It was nice to have a man in their lives who’d stick around.

She managed to get them both in the car and back home on her own. As they walked into the house, she looked around the living room, perhaps seeing for the first time that it had grown somewhat shabby in her almost-five-year absence. The paint on the house was peeling, and the stairs creaked but she couldn’t love a place more. Or the people in it.

“You know I need you, right Dad?” she asked. “I mean, you know I need you here.”

Dad turned to look at her curiously. “What do you mean? Where else would I be?”

Rowan couldn’t help but think about Rafe Barlow. She hadn’t known him well. She’d seen him while she’d been dating Court, and at church, around town. But he’d always had a kind word for her.

“Nothing,” she said. “It’s just…you know it doesn’t mean as much, this place, not without you. Right?”

He squeezed her shoulder, and she couldn’t help but notice how weak his hold was, how close she and Emma had come to losing him. “I’m not going anywhere, honey,” he assured her. “Even if I have to give up salt. And steaks. And anything that tastes good.”

She smiled back because she was happy to have him here, but she couldn’t imagine Rafe Barlow’s last moments. Or, rather, she could imagine them, she just couldn’t understand them. For Dad to leave them? For her to leave Willow? It was unthinkable. How could Mr. Barlow have thought they were better off without him? But then she’d thought they were better off without Court, and they
had
been up until now.

Not wanting to think about it anymore, she put everything Dad needed within arm’s reach—remote control, bottle of water, pillow to ease the pain of coughing—and headed out to the barn to feed the sheep. Time was getting away from her, and she ripped the top off another bag, anxious to get her chores done before the pharmacy closed.

She was only half finished when she heard the sound of tires on the gravel driveway. Her heart thudded in her chest, knowing that no matter who it was, she didn’t want to see them. She set down the bag and peeked through the crack in the open barn door, spying Court’s massive truck parked underneath the tree. She groaned.

She didn’t want to see him. Or Seth. Or anyone at this point. She just wanted a quiet life with her family, such as it was. But she headed out the door quickly, to stop him from going up to the house. When he saw her, he ducked his head, and Rowan got the impression that he might actually feel a bit sorry about the things he’d said to her the last time they saw each other. She wasn’t sure she could believe that, though. For as long as she’d known him, Court Barlow had never apologized.

For anything.

He had trouble holding her gaze, though, for anything longer than a few seconds. His eyes kept drifting away, to the barn, to the pasture, to the house, anywhere but her.
That
seemed fitting. Court was always interested in anything—anyone—but her.

“We said once a week,” Rowan snapped to end the silence between them. “I’ll bring her by next week.” She glared at him. “I said I would, and I’ll do it.”

Court cleared his throat and tugged at his shirt collar. “I came to talk to you.”

“I think you said enough.”

“Rowan—”

“No!” she hissed. “No, no, no. You don’t get to do this, Court! You don’t get to come all the way out here so you can insult me some more, so you can trash me some more. You don’t get to do that. You said what you wanted to say. An alcohol-soaked
manwhore
who thinks
I’m
a slut. You know what? I don’t care. I really don’t. As long as you keep your damn mouth shut when it comes to Willow. Because I swear to God, Court, if you badmouth me to her, if you say—”

“I would never do that! I was just…I was shocked, okay? I was just shocked. My woman and my brother—”

“
I’m not your woman
!” Rowan cried.

Court scowled at her. “Well, you still feel like mine,” he said quietly. “Do you remember, Rowan? Do you remember us? Before things got bad? I do. I think about it all the time. I can’t stop thinking about you. I was your first, Rowan, and—”

“But I wasn’t your last!” she replied.

He winced.

“And that’s what happened. That’s the way things are. There is no going back to that, Court. I remember it, but I’m not that teenage girl anymore. I had to grow up.
Fast.
I didn’t have a choice. I don’t know what you want from me now. I can’t even imagine what it is you expect me do to after what you put me through. But whatever it is, Court, you’re not getting it. Not from me.”

Court slipped the hat off his head and worried the brim with his calloused hands. “I don’t know what to do. I…I just can’t seem to make the right decisions.”

“Like killing yourself?” Rowan whispered harshly.

Court gaped at her.

“What are you thinking?! Huh? What on Earth is going through your head? That we’d be better off without you?” She felt incredibly guilty about her last conversation with Seth, even though Court hadn’t heard it. She hadn’t meant it. Not really. She didn’t want Court to crawl under a rock and die. And not just for Willow’s sake. At one time she
had
loved him,
had
seen something good in him. She couldn’t wish him ill, at least not in that way.

“Don’t you do it,” Rowan demanded. “Don’t you
dare
. I’m sorry about what happened with your father, but that’s not the road you need to go down.
No one wants that
. Not me, not your family, and not our daughter. Willow’s maybe the one person in the whole world that you haven’t let down.
Yet
. Just get it right with her, Court. Start with
her
.”

“And then what?” He looked at her with a glimmer of hope in his eyes, and Rowan was damn sorry for it and knew it was a dangerous time to make him understand, but she couldn’t let him think that they had a future.

“We’ll never get back what we had, Court. We can’t. Because we never really had much that was good. It’s over between us. We’ll never be together again. But we have a daughter. And she needs us. Both of us.” Rowan cupped his face and held his gaze to hers. “
Just get this right.
I can’t tell you what’s going to happen for you. But it’s not
about
you. It’s about Willow. Get it right
for her
. And I’m sorry, but…maybe whatever happens to you, happens.”

Court placed his hands over hers. His gaze was dark and brooding, but he didn’t pull them away. “You mean end up alone.”

Rowan hesitated. It was a terrible fate, for anyone. And, hell, possibly one she’d end up with herself. But she couldn’t predict the future, for either of them. Nor did she want to try. “Maybe,” she replied, because she didn’t want to hurt him, but she didn’t want to lie, either. “But she’s worth it, Court. I swear to you she is. And she needs you. She needs you to love her enough to stick around.”

Rowan hadn’t intended it as a barb, but it sure sounded like one anyway. Both she and Court winced as the words tumbled out of her mouth. Court had never loved any woman enough to stay, to be loyal, to be faithful. “She’s just a little girl, Court. And she loves you.”

“What about you?” he asked suddenly.

“I…Court, you’re the father of my child. I’ll always…care…about you.”

He smiled thinly but shook his head. “That’s not what I meant. Are
you
going to end up alone?”

Rowan didn’t answer for a moment, because she truly didn’t know. “I have to get my dad his medications from the pharmacy today. And bring in the flock. And make dinner. And get Willow ready for bed, and honestly, Court, that’s all I can think about right now. That’s all I can put on my plate right now.”

“I can bring in your flock while you’re gone. And you can leave Willow with me. If you want.”

Rowan hesitated, eyeing him closely.

“No half-wild horses, I promise.”

“And you won’t take her anywhere?”

Court shook his head. “No. We’ll stay right here, and I won’t take my eyes off her. Not for a second.”

Rowan chewed her lip and glanced at her watch. The pharmacy would close soon, and it would be so much easier if Willow wasn’t with her.

“Don’t. Go. Anywhere,” she growled.

“We won’t.”

“And don’t…” She paused trying to think of all the ways this could go wrong. “Don’t feed her anything. I’ll make dinner when we get back.”

“Got it.”

Rowan almost walked away then, almost left it at that, even though she was nervous about the very idea on the whole. But he was Willow’s father. And he was willing to try. It was unreasonable to keep both father and daughter on a leash for the rest of their lives. “You…” She licked her lips and pulled her jacket tighter around herself. “You can stay for dinner.”

Court brightened as a goofy grin crossed his face, the one she always pictured whenever she’d thought about him over the years. Rowan smiled, too, unable to help herself. “So…can we be friends?”

Rowan snorted a little at the suggestion. “I don’t know, Court,” she said honestly. “I don’t know if it’s possible for us to be friends. But we’re parents, and we need to find a way to get along. For her sake.”

She gathered Dad’s prescriptions and waved to the old man as he sat on the porch, watching over Court and Willow. Cranking the engine of the car, she hesitated for a moment then rolled out toward town feeling a strange combination of apprehensive relief.

‡

S
eth stood in
front of Saint Joseph’s, waiting for everyone to get out of their trucks. He helped Sofia onto the sidewalk while scanning the crowd of people arriving. He finally spotted Mac, Rowan, and Willow getting out of Rowan’s car and started to cross the parking lot to them, but the look on Rowan’s face when she spotted him made him stay where he was.

Court approached them instead, picked up Willow, and shook Mac’s hand. Neither Mac nor Rowan looked especially pleased about it, but Willow was happy, and Seth supposed that was all that really mattered.

After all, Easter was for families.

He hung back, alone, while everyone else filed into the church, heading inside himself at the very last ring of the bells. He sat next to Sawyer and the rest of his clan while Court took the end of the pew with the Archers, apparently ignoring Emma’s dirty looks.

Mass was uncomfortable, mostly because Seth couldn’t seem to keep his eyes off Rowan or stop himself from picturing her in bed. Which made him picture her in bed with Court, which was never going to happen, he realized, but Rowan was going to end up with
someone
.

Someone who wasn’t him.

And that made his blood boil.

He didn’t take communion, because he didn’t feel worthy. But he wasn’t going to go to confession either, because, well, he wasn’t a damn bit sorry for his relationship with her. There was little difference, Seth decided, between the real Hell and the one he was living in now. He loved Rowan, and nothing about that was wrong, just complicated. It wasn’t until Sawyer caught him staring at the Archers that Seth finally looked away.

Eager to get out and get back home, Seth started to make his way to the exit the minute the service was officially over, but he got caught in the bottleneck of people trying to do the same, and behind him he heard his family, their familiar voices drifting through the crowd, catch up to him. He glanced over his shoulder and realized Rowan and her family were stuck as well.

She wouldn’t even meet Seth’s gaze. In fact, it seemed to him that she was very studiously trying to ignore his presence.

Walker cleared his throat, looking a bit awkward in the throng of people.

Other parishioners were staring at them as they shuffled past, slowing down, presumably so they could listen in on the stilted conversation between the two families.

Court put a hand on Rowan’s shoulder, which made Seth grit his teeth, but even he could appreciate the steely gazes the youngest Barlow was giving people as they passed, glancing at them all furtively. One thing was abundantly clear—no one was going to let an outsider belittle or point fingers at Rowan.