Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead (14 page)

They play on
.

ROS
sits beside
GUIL.
They stare ahead
.

The tune comes to an end
.

Pause
.

ROS
: I thought I heard a band.
(In anguish.)
Plausibility is all I presumel

GUIL
(coda):
Call us this day our daily tune. . . .

The lid of the middle barrel flies open and the
PLAYER'J
head pops out
.

PLAYER
: Aha! All in the same boat, then!
(He climbs out. He goes round banging on the barrels.)

Everybody out!

Impossibly, the
TRAGEDIANS
climb out of the barrels. With their instruments, but not their cart. A few bundles. Except
ALFRED.
The
PLAYER
is cheerful
.

(To
ROS
:) Where are we?

ROS
: Travelling.

PLAYER
: Of course, we haven't got there yet.

ROS
: Are we all right for England?

PLAYER: YOU
look all right to me. I don't think they're very particular in England. Al-l-fred!

ALFRED
emerges from the
PLAYER'S
barrel
.

GUIL
: What are you doing here?

PLAYER
: Travelling.
(To
TRAGEDIANS
:) Right—blend into the background!

The
TRAGEDIANS
are in costume (from the mime): A King with crown
,
ALFRED
as Queen, Poisoner and the two cloaked figures
.

They blend
.

(To
GUIL
:) Pleased to see us?
(Pause.)
You've come out of it very well, so far.

GUIL
: And you?

PLAYER
: In disfavour. Our play offended the King.

GUIL
: Yes.

PLAYER
: Well, he's a second husband himself. Tactless, really.

ROS
: It was quite a good play nevertheless.

PLAYER
: We never really got going—it was getting quite interesting when they stopped it.

Looks up at
HAMLET.

That's the way to travel. . . .

GUIL
: What were you doing in there?

PLAYER
: Hiding.
(Indicating costumes.)
We had to run for it just as we were.

ROS
: Stowaways.

PLAYER
: Naturally—we didn't get paid, owing to circumstances ever so slightly beyond our control, and all the money we had we lost betting on certainties. Life is a gamble, at terrible odds—if it was a bet you wouldn't take it. Did you know that any number doubled is even?

ROS
: Is it?

PLAYER
: We learn something every day, to our cost. But we troupers just go on and on. Do you know what happens to old actors?

ROS
: What?

PLAYER
: Nothing. They're still acting. Surprised, then?

GUIL
: What?

PLAYER
: Surprised to see us?

GUIL
: I knew it wasn't the end.

PLAYER
: With practically everyone on his feet. What do you make of it, so far?

GUIL
: We haven't got much to go on.

PLAYER: YOU
speak to him?

ROS
: It's possible.

GUIL
: But it wouldn't make any difference.

ROS
: But it's possible.

GUIL
: Pointless.

ROS
: It's allowed.

GUIL
: Allowed, yes. We are not restricted. No boundaries have been defined, no inhibitions imposed. We have, for the while, secured, or blundered into, our release, for the while. Spontaneity and whim are the order of the day. Other wheels are turning but they are not our concern. We can breathe. We can relax. We can do what we like and say what we like to whomever we like, without restriction.

ROS
: Within limits, of course.

GUIL
: Certainly within limits.

HAMLET
comes down to footlights and regards the audience. The others watch but don't speak
,
HAMLET
clears his throat noisily and spits into the audience. A split second later he claps his hand to his eye and wipes himself. He goes back upstage
.

ROS
: A compulsion towards philosophical introspection is his chief characteristic, if I may put it like that. It does not mean he is mad. It does not mean he isn't. Very often, it does not mean anything at all. Which may or may not be a kind of madness.

GUIL
: It really boils down to symptoms. Pregnant replies, mystic allusions, mistaken identities, arguing his father is
his mother, that sort of thing; intimations of suicide, forgoing of exercise, loss of mirth, hints of claustrophobia not to say delusions of imprisonment; invocations of camels, chameleons, capons, whales, weasels, hawks, handsaws—riddles, quibbles and evasions; amnesia, paranoia, myopia; day-dreaming, hallucinations; stabbing his elders, abusing his parents, insulting his lover, and appearing hatless in public—knock-kneed, droop-stockinged and sighing like a love-sick schoolboy, which at his age is coming on a bit strong.

ROS
: And talking to himself.

GUIL
: And talking to himself.

ROS
and
GUIL
move apart together
.

Well, where has that got us?

ROS
: He's the Player.

GUIL
: His play offended the King———

ROS
: —offended the King———

GUIL
: —who orders his arrest———

ROS
: —orders his arrest———

GUIL
: —so he escapes to England———

ROS
: On the boat to which he meets———

GUIL
: Guildenstern and Rosencrantz taking Hamlet———

ROS
: —who also offended the King———

GUIL
: —and killed Polonius———

ROS
: —offended the King in a variety of ways———

GUIL
: —to England.
(Pause.)
That seems to be it.

ROS
jumps up
.

ROS
: Incidents! All we get is incidents! Dear God, is it too much to expect a little sustained action?!

And on the word, the
PIRATES
attack. That is to say: Noise and shouts and rushing about
. “Pirates

Everyone visible goes frantic
,
HAMLET
draws his sword and rushes downstage
,
GUIL, ROS
and
PLAYER
draw swords and rush upstage. Collision
,
HAMLET
turns back up. They turn back down. Collision. By which time there is general panic right upstage. All four charge upstage with
ROS, GUIL
and
PLAYER
shouting:

At last!
To arms!
Pirates!
Up there!
Down there!
To my sword's length!
Action!

All four reach the top, see something they don't like, waver, run for their lives downstage:

HAMLET
,
in the lead, leaps into the left barrel
,
PLAYER
leaps into the right barrel
,
ROS
and
GUIL
leap into the middle barrel. All closing the lids after them
.

The lights dim to nothing while the sound of fighting continues. The sound fades to nothing. The lights come up. The middle barrel
(ROS'J
and
GUIL'J)
is missing
.

The lid of the right-hand barrel is raised cautiously, the heads of
ROS
and
GUIL
appear
.

The lid of the other barrel
(HAMLET'J)
is raised. The head of the
PLAYER
appears
.

All catch sight of each other and slam down lids
.

Pause
.

Lids raised cautiously
.

ROS
(relief)
: They've gone.
(He starts to climb out.)
That was close. I've never thought quicker.

They are all three out of barrels
,
GUIL
is wary and nervous
.
ROS
is light-headed. The
PLAYER
is phlegmatic. They note the missing barrel
.

ROS
looks round
.

ROS
: Where's——?

The
PLAYER
takes off his hat in mourning
.

PLAYER
: Once more, alone—on our own resources.

GUIL
(worried)
: What do you mean? Where is he?

PLAYER
: Gone.

GUIL
: Gone where?

PLAYER
: Yes, we were dead lucky there. If that's the word I'm after.

ROS
(not a pick up)
: Dead?

PLAYER
: Lucky.

ROS
(he means)
: Is he dead?

PLAYER
: Who knows?

GUIL
(rattled):
He's not coming back?

PLAYER
: Hardly.

ROS
: He's dead then. He's dead as far as we're concerned.

PLAYER
: Or we are as far as he is.
(He goes and sits on the floor to one side.)
Not too bad, is it?

GUIL
(rattled)
: But he can't—we're supposed to be—we've got a
letter
—we're going to England with a letter for the King——

PLAYER
: Yes, that much seems certain. I congratulate you on the unambiguity of your situation.

GUIL
: But you don't understand—it contains—we've had our instructions——the whole thing's pointless without him.

PLAYER
: Pirates could happen to anyone. Just deliver the letter. They'll send ambassadors from England to explain. . . .

GUIL
(worked up):
Can't you see—the pirates left us home and high—dry and home—drome——
(Furiously.)
The pirates left us high and dry!

PLAYER
(comforting):
There . . .

GUIL
(near tears)
: Nothing will be resolved without him. . . .

PLAYER
: There . . .!

GUIL
: We need Hamlet for our release!

PLAYER
: There!

GUIL
: What are we supposed to do?

PLAYER
: This.

He turns away, lies down if he likes
,
ROS
and
GUIL
apart
.

ROS
: Saved again.

GUIL
: Saved for what?

ROS
sighs
.

ROS
: The sun's going down.
(Pause.)
It'll be night soon.
(Pause.)
If that's west.
(Pause.)
Unless we've

GUIL
(shouts):
Shut up! I'm sick of it! Do you think conversation is going to help us now?

ROS
(hurt, desperately ingratiating):
I—I bet you all the money I've got the year of my birth doubled is an odd number.

GUIL
(moan):
No-o.

ROS:
Your
birth!

GUIL
smashes him down
.

GUIL
(broken)
: We've travelled too far, and our momentum has taken over; we move idly towards eternity, without possibility of reprieve or hope of explanation.

ROS:
Be happy—if you're not even
happy
what's so good about surviving?
(He picks himself up.)
We'll be all right. I suppose we just go on.

GUIL: GO
where?

ROS
: To England.

GUIL
: England!
That's
a dead end. I never believed in it anyway.

ROS
: All we've got to do is make our report and that'll be that Surely.

GUIL:
I don't
believe
it—a shore, a harbour, say—and we get off and we stop someone and say—Where's the King?— And he says, Oh, you follow that road there and take the first left and———
(Furiously.)
I don't believe any of it!

ROS
: It doesn't sound very plausible.

GUIL
: And even if we came face to face, what do we say?

ROS
: We say—We've arrived!

GUIL
(kingly):
And who are you?

ROS
: We are Guildenstern and Rosencrantz.

GUIL
: Which is which?

ROS
: Well, I'm—You're——

GUIL
: What's it all about?——