Room to Breathe (19 page)

Chapter 26

I take a large sip of my latté. I am so glad there are Starbucks around London. It’s like finding my own little piece of home here. It is still pretty cold here in March but it is dry so Claire and I are sitting outside. It just feels nice to see the sun after weeks of it being so grey out.

“So, how was your last outing with Harrison?” Claire asks hugging her cup with her hands.

“It was alright,” I say with a shrug. “It still feels kind of strange to me.”

“Being with someone other than Eric?”

“No, well yes actually but that isn’t what I meant. I mean that it’s a date but it isn’t a date. I mean it is kind of a job but isn’t really a job. It just makes it hard to figure out how to act.”

“I understand that. Have you fucked him yet?” she blurts out.

“What?” I stammer, choking a little on my coffee. I have really come to love Claire but sometimes she has very little tact. “No. We haven’t even kissed. It really isn’t like that with us.”

“Do you think he wants to?” she asks, sipping her own coffee.

“Well he is a man and I am at least fairly attractive so yes, I am sure he wants to. I just really don’t want to get the lines blurred again. It really caused too much hurt last time.” I leave out that I seriously doubt I could do anything sexual with anyone without breaking down into sobs from missing Eric.

“Why are you letting Eric have such an impact on your life? You only really knew each other just over a month. Does that seem a little fast to be so attached?”

“No. I don’t think how long we knew each other matters at all. If it is the right person one day is long enough for them to change everything.” I answer, shrugging. I take another drink of coffee and force back the tears that are threatening.

“I’m sorry and you’re right. How about a new topic?” Claire says in her sunny voice. “Brandon and I are getting a long fabulously. I guess he has never had a girlfriend, like ever.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, well he is really busy. Like nothing more than a few texts for days kind of busy. You don’t get to where he is and as quick as he did any other way. He is a little awkward though. Oh and we are fucking. It is rather wonderful too. Like last night,” before Claire can finish, my phone beeps loudly announcing I have a text message. I am thankful for the interruption. I normally wouldn’t mind hearing the details but in my current state it is just too depressing.

“It is from Eric,” I tell Claire. “It says, ‘Can I see you?’ What should I say?”

“Well do you want to see him?”

“I don’t know,” I say, staring at the phone like it is a bomb. “I guess it would be okay.” I send him a message telling him ‘yes’.

He responds immediately.
Today? In two hours at Tristan’s?

I respond.
Yes

“He is meeting me at Tristan’s in two hours.”

“Aren’t you supposed to see Harrison tonight?”

“Yes, I am supposed to give him my answer about Japan. This way I have an out if Eric wants to stay too long.” I want to be able to get away from him with a legitimate excuse if I have to. I don’t know how much time with him my heart can bear.

“Oh well, that makes sense. I guess we should get going so you have time to get ready.”

“Yep, we should.”

“Hey Cora, go easy on him. Eric has a lot of issues. He probably doesn’t even know he hurt you,” Claire says sweetly biting her lip.

“I will try but whether it was on purpose or not it still hurts.”

I am sitting in my favorite room in the Cooper’s large home. It is a large sitting room. It has comfortable couches and lots of natural light. There is also a large grand piano in one corner. I don’t know how to play but it inspires me to try.

I am curled on a couch near the fireplace with my laptop. Claire dropped me off over an hour ago. I have already changed into the same charcoal grey dress I wore the first time I went to Greenwood. I have freshened up my makeup and left my hair down. I think look good but not like I am trying to look good. I glance at the clock on my computer. Eric should be here in about fifteen minutes.

I have been wasting time online looking at my social media sites. I can feel the nervousness growing in my stomach. There is a slight knock on the door. Before I can answer it swings open and Lord Eric Ashford walks in.

One look at him and I feel like I have been slapped in the face. I know my face is bright red and my jaw is hanging open. He is in a black three piece suit with a burgundy shirt underneath and no tie. His dark brown hair is slightly a mess and he has a few days stubble on his jaw. He looks like a walking orgasm.

How in the hell could I have ever thought he had feelings for me? He could have an entire catalogue of lingerie models and I am just me. I feel the room tilt a little as I stand to greet him.

“Hi Cora,” he says, walking over to me. He leans forward and kisses my cheek. My body stiffens in defense. I hold my breath to keep from breathing him in.

“Hello Lord Ashford,” I say once he has returned to a safe distance. He flinches at my formal address.

“How have you been?” he asks, running his hand through his hair.

“Fine. Tristan and Jane have really been wonderful.”

“Good.”

“Why are you here?” I blurt out, unable to go any further with the small talk.

“I, um, wanted to see you. I missed you,” he says, shuffling his feet.

“Really?” I ask, sounding surprised.

“Yes. I miss you a lot actually. Cora, I understand you are supposed to tell Harrison if you are going to Japan or not tonight.”

“Yes, we have dinner plans to discuss things one final time,” I respond. I am not sure how he knows that but I have a feeling Claire is to blame.

“Please don’t go,” he pleads, looking into my eyes.

“What?”

“Please don’t go to Japan or anywhere else.”

“Why not?” I ask as I feel my face start to get warm.

“Because,” he says, looking down running his hand over his jaw. He then looks right at me and our eyes lock. “Because I want you to stay with me.”

“With you? I don’t understand. You sent me away,” I say confused.

“Is that what you think? That I sent you away?” he responds, raising his voice slightly.

“That is what I know,” I respond defensively.

“I didn’t send you away. You left on your own.”

“Because you told me to! You said it was a ‘wonderful idea’,” I answer back, raising my voice now.

“I meant that if you wanted to go then Harrison was a good person to go with. I thought if you wanted to leave that at least he was stable. Look, I don’t care about any of that. I just know that I miss you, all the time. I want you to come home with me and things to go back to how they were.”

“I can’t Eric. I can’t stay in limbo hiding in your house forever. I thought I could let go of part of me. That I could just have fun with you. No strings attached but I can’t. I can’t be with you just a little bit. It has to be all or nothing,” I say as I hear my voice start to shake a little.

“Cora, I lo...”

“Stop. Please stop. You can’t say that to me. I don’t take that lightly,” I beg, shaking my head.

“Good, because I don’t say it lightly.”

“Stop it! I mean it. You told me once that you didn’t want to share me. You said I was yours and then the next day you just send me away. Like I am just another one of your girls.” I know my cheeks are starting to burn. I can feel the anger from the past month ready to spill over. I know that I can’t take any more empty words.

“That was never my intention. I thought it was what was best for you,” he says, clearly irritated with me.

“Did it ever enter that thick head of yours that maybe I didn’t want to share you? That maybe I wanted you to be mine?”

“No. I thought Harrison was what you wanted. You seemed awfully quick to go off with him,” Eric responds, narrowing his eyes at me.

“Harrison is a great guy but that doesn’t mean he is what I want. Since you never bothered to ask me, I will tell you. What I want is someone that sees me for who I really am. Not where I am from, how old I am, or what I dress like. I want someone that I can have fun just wasting a day with. Someone that can make me blush every time I eat a strawberry. Someone that will dance with me anywhere and not get mad when I step on his toes. I want to be with someone I love with my whole heart and who loves me with theirs.”

I know I am yelling at this point but I really don’t care if all of London hears me. I am finally feeling all the pain and hurt I have been trying to hold back. He shifts his feet. For the first time since I have known him Eric looks unsure.

“And now I don’t hear from you for weeks and you show up here telling me that you miss me? How am I even supposed to even believe you?” I ask with my voice shaking with emotion.

“Cora, I am sorry for not calling you. I didn’t know if you wanted to hear from me. I thought maybe you wanted a little space,” Eric explains, running his hands through his hair. “Honey, I have thought about you every day since you left. I want nothing more than to just be with you. Damn it! I don’t care if you don’t want to hear it, Cora, I love you.”

“What am I even supposed to do with that right now? I don’t even know what I am feeling anymore. Am I just supposed to say ‘okay’?” I demand. Eric’s face falls slightly. “Even if I ignore the fact that you told me it was a good idea that I leave or that you haven’t contacted me for weeks, I’m just supposed to go back with you? Am I to stay at your house like a pet as you parade women out of there all day and night?”

“I don’t know how we will make it work. All I do know is that for the first time in my life I have found someone I can’t get enough of. You don’t want to change me. You have accepted me as the mess I am. I love you beyond all reason and that is all the reason I need.”

“Then why did you wait until now to tell me?” I ask, knowing that I sound like a hypocrite. “If you love me so much why did you wait until someone else wants me to say anything?”

“When I watched you drive away that day all I wanted to do was run after you,” he responds. He looks almost sad and I really want to believe him. “I wanted to pull you from the car and make you stay with me. I blew it. I stood there and just watched the person I cared most about leave.”

“I wouldn’t have left if you didn’t send me away.”

“You keep saying that. That somehow it is my fault you left. Bullshit Cora. You could have said ‘no’ at any point. I kept hoping you would but you didn’t. It hurt Cora. There. I said it. It hurt that you jumped at the first chance to run away again.”

“I wasn’t running! I thought you wanted me gone!”

“After what I said to you the night before?”

“You were drunk!”

“I still meant every word I said and I thought you did too. I thought that if I gave you a chance to stay you would take it, but you didn’t. So no, I didn’t contact you but I thought about you every single day. All damn day long. I stayed up all night drinking trying to drink you away but it just made it worse. I would walk in to a room and swear I could smell your hair; raspberries and flowers. I kept thinking that I would start to forget you but god damn it Cora! It is like you are in my veins.” He rubs his hands over his face. His usual sophistication has vanished. He looks desperate and tired.

“I…” I start but I am not sure what to say.

“I found one of those dumb vampire books that you love and I knew. I knew that I was never going to forget anything about you. So I came to London so I could be close to you. I came here because I needed to tell you what I should have said to you after that first night you fell asleep in my arms. I feel like my whole life was leading up to meet you. All of my choices, all of the loss, all of my regrets. All of it is completely worth it. I wouldn’t change any of it because it all lead me to you. I love you Cora.”

“Eric please, stop saying that,” I beg. My knees feel weak.

“No! I. Love. You. Cora. And I know you love me. It is that simple,” he says with the fire blazing in his eyes.

I close my eyes and take a few deep breaths. I can’t seem to find a way to process this.

“Yes, I do love you. I love you more than I thought I could love anyone. But no, it isn’t simple. It is anything but simple,” I say softly. It is taking all my strength to say what I have to. “I think you should leave.”

“What? Why?”

“Because I can’t do this. I can’t. I am sorry but you need to leave.”

“Tell me you don’t want to be with me.”

“I can’t but, Eric, please I am begging you. Please just leave.” I can feel the sobs building in my throat. God, please let me stay in control until he leaves. “I know you may think you love me but you don’t. Whether you see it or not, you sent me away or at least let me leave without a fight. Do you know what it is like to feel unloved? To think the one person who means the most doesn’t love you? It makes you question everything. Your entire value in the world. Everything.”

“Cora, I never meant to make you feel that way,” Eric pleads shaking his head slightly.

“I think you miss having fun with me and you may even actually miss me but you don’t love me. One day you will realize that and I don’t want to be there when you do. I won’t survive that. So please just go.”