Room at the Edge (10 page)

“You always do,” Jay said reassuringly, then added, “Liam told us to hurry,” and made Austin’s heart start beating faster again.

He didn’t know what Liam was going to say to them when they went back downstairs, and it was sending his anxiety levels sky-high. Liam was in a great mood, smiling as he sent them up to dress with an affectionate swat on their asses, but how much of that had been postsex euphoria?

“If he asks us to make a decision about moving in, what will you say?” He studied Jay’s face for the smallest sign of dismay at the idea.

“Depends how he asks.” Jay shrugged. “I don’t know, okay? I just know we need to change a few things or we’ll lose what we’ve got, and I know I don’t want that.”

“You’d never lose me.” Austin stopped thinking about the seconds ticking away and hugged Jay close. “God, I can’t imagine being without you.”

“You wouldn’t. Ever.” Jay kissed the side of Austin’s mouth, then nuzzled into his neck. “Yours.”

Austin believed that 99 percent of the time. But Jay belonged to Liam too, and so did he. He just wished he knew for how long. Things still felt uncertain and temporary between them, and he wasn’t expecting the conversation they were about to have to change that. He hugged Jay more tightly until Jay squeaked in protest.

“You know how he is when we’re late,” Jay said, pulling away.

“I’m pretty sure that’s supposed to be my line.”

They went downstairs, where Liam was waiting for them in the dining room. Two chairs were pulled slightly away from the table. Austin felt like throwing up or running out of the house, but instead he forced himself to sit down and pull in the chair. At least it had arms; that was good. They would make it harder to bolt.

He swallowed and looked at the mug of coffee waiting for him. The thought of drinking it made his stomach churn.

Jay reached over and touched his hand. “Hey. Breathe or something, will you?”

“This is a conversation, not a firing squad,” Liam said, and Austin looked at him—not a glance, but a proper look.

Liam seemed to be concerned and caring. Which he was, even if Austin needed a reminder once in a while. Jesus, he was such a fuckup. Liam loved them.

“I’m sorry,” Austin said, meaning it. “I’m kind of freaking out.”

“Which means he hasn’t been sleeping, so he’s been cleaning like crazy.” Jay gave Austin an apologetic glance. “Sorry, I know you can’t help it. I just can’t find anything anymore.”

“You haven’t been sleeping?” Liam asked.

Austin shook his head. “Some. Not enough, I guess.” He knew Jay wasn’t thrilled that he kept waking up to find half the apartment rearranged.

“I don’t like that,” Liam said flatly, a frown appearing. “I wouldn’t play with you if you were drunk, and the same goes for you spaced-out because you’re sleep deprived. It affects your judgment and your ability to cope with life. It’s been a long time since my kids were babies, but I can still remember coming close to crashing my car after a month of disturbed nights when one of them was teething.”

Liam rarely talked about his children, so Austin had only a vague impression of Alison and Ben. They sounded nice enough, and in the photographs Liam had of them, they were always smiling—but then, who didn’t smile for the camera? They’d visited Liam in the summer for a week, but he hadn’t invited Austin and Jay over to meet them. Too awkward. Too complicated.

“I’ll be okay when I know what’s happening,” Austin said, hoping it was true. His job required him to be alert and functioning, and these days he was drifting in a fog of tiredness.

Liam scratched his jaw. “Fair enough. I’m just not sure what’s best for all three of us as individuals and as, well, the three of us. I’m used to my privacy, and you’re used to living together and having the freedom to do what you like.” He smiled unexpectedly, a wicked glint in his eyes. “Beyond a few rules I trust you to abide by.” His smile faded. “But I’ve thought it over, and if you agree, I’d like us to try living together.”

Austin’s smile was one of pure relief, but Jay bit his lip, his lack of enthusiasm glaringly obvious. Liam cleared his throat. “Jay, just tell me what’s worrying you most about the idea of moving in.”

“Losing my freedom,” Jay blurted out. “Yeah, I love it when you tie me up, but I don’t want to be working on a diorama and get told it’s time to blow you or bend over for a spanking. I don’t want to beg for permission to go out with my friends or feel like I’m a guest here, because let’s face it. This is your place, Liam. It’s big and empty and cold, and you’re the only thing in it that’s alive. I love you, I do, and I want Austin to be happy, but I’m scared shitless that if I live here, I’ll lose myself, and being a sub is all about the opposite. It’s about being me. About fulfilling me. I just… God, I’m sorry.” He lifted his hand, then let it fall, a helpless gesture that left Austin’s throat aching as he held back from saying something that would make the situation worse, waiting for Liam to respond.

He didn’t doubt that Jay would sacrifice himself if he thought it would make Austin happy, but the same held true for Austin. If Jay was going to feel trapped here, the move was off the table.

“Don’t make the mistake of thinking you’re the only one who doesn’t want his whole life to change,” Liam said, nodding with understanding. “What if I had some renovations done so that you could have a space that was entirely yours? Would that help?”

“Maybe,” Jay said. “Like what kind of space?”

“A proper apartment? Downstairs. It’s level to the garden in the back—you could have your own entrance.”

“That sounds like still living apart, just under the same roof,” Austin pointed out.

Liam gave him an exasperated look that he probably deserved. “You can’t have it both ways.”

“Actually we can,” Jay said. “If we can figure out how to meet in the middle. It doesn’t sound impossible. Not easy, maybe.”

“None of this is easy, is it?” Liam raised his eyebrows. “So, with that option on the table, how do you feel, Jay? Or do you need time to think it over? This is a huge step, I know.”

Jay withdrew into himself, a distant expression on his face that Austin was familiar with. Jay looked like that when he had a problem with a diorama, something not to scale, something that wouldn’t fit where it was supposed to. It was only a matter of thirty seconds or so before he spoke, but for a waiting Austin, it felt as if each second were a minute.

“I think it could work,” Jay said finally. “Sorry if I was too negative.”

“You weren’t. You were honest. It’s appreciated,” Liam said. “Right. We can meet with a contractor to discuss the plans, create something we can all live with. And in the meantime, try for as much of a weekend as we can manage to get a feel for it. Saturday night through Monday morning, and you can both go straight to work from here?”

God, it sounded so good Austin was afraid to believe it might work out.

Jay straightened, losing the slouch that he got when he was upset, shoulders hunched, head down, hiding behind his long hair. “We’d pay rent. A real rent, not just a token.”

“You certainly would,” Liam said crisply, sounding very English. “Officially you’d be my lodgers. The conversion would have a bedroom, kitchen, bathroom, space for Jay’s dioramas…everything a rented apartment would have. It would be obvious from looking at it that you were in your own place, unconnected to the rest of the house or me. Your family could come and visit, Austin, and any of your friends. Everything would be out in the open.”

“They’d still wonder why we moved here,” Austin said, desperately wanting to be convinced that they could do this. He’d mentioned Liam to his mom in passing, describing him as a friend they’d met through another friend, without going into detail.

“It’s closer to work for both of us,” Jay pointed out. “And your mom thinks our place has mold or damp or something after the flood. Every time you sneeze when she’s over visiting, she gets this look like she wants to feel your forehead for fever. She doesn’t like walking up all those stairs, either. She’d like it better if we had a place of our own, but she knows we can’t afford it yet.”

“Tell her some of my investments have crashed and I need the extra income,” Liam put in, sounding amused at the idea. Austin didn’t know how much money Liam had, but he was guessing that the cost of the conversion would be more than a years’ rent, and he was sure Liam didn’t care. “Of course, I’d have to check on the legal aspects of it. I’d make sure it met the building codes, that goes without saying, but in some places basement apartments aren’t permitted. They flood the neighborhood with more people than the local amenities can cover. I’m sure there’s a way around it, though. Laws always have loopholes.”

“We can just say we got the chance to move. Jay’s right about the mold thing—not that I think there is any, just that she worries about stuff like that. I don’t know if she’ll ask a lot of questions. I guess I’ll have to have answers ready.” There was definitely a possibility his mom would focus on the move; she seemed to have more time to worry about Austin now that April had gone off to college. Austin would have been thrilled for his mom to be able to relax more—having her shift her attention to him instead was less than ideal.

“We’ll help with that,” Liam said. “We aren’t throwing you to the wolves. And if you’re not ready, if you need more time—”

“I am,” Austin broke in. “I am ready, but it’s kind of a big deal.” He was starting to feel like an idiot who’d wanted something only to turn around and decide maybe he didn’t want it that much after all. Which was stupid, because he
did
want it.

“It is. That’s why I’d like all three of us to be in agreement before we take the next step, and again before the one after that. It’s very important.” Liam checked his watch. “Jay, am I wrong in thinking you need to be at work soon?”

Jay shook his head. “Not wrong. But I can be a few minutes late.”

“No, you can’t.” Liam sounded firm. “Not on my account. Go on. I’ll give Austin a ride home.”

A few simple words, but they had Austin’s stomach clenching in worry again. Did Liam want to talk to him alone? And if so, why? It couldn’t be good.

He hugged Jay at the front door, clinging to him longer than was reasonable, only letting go when he realized he was upsetting Jay. He was doing that too much to everyone around him, and he knew it.

Striving to sound casual, he said, “I’ll see you tonight. Stir-fry okay?”

“With cashews?”

Austin couldn’t help grinning. Whenever he added them to a dish, they all seemed to end up on Jay’s plate. “Sure.”

Liam stood behind him, watching them say good-bye in silence, his expression unreadable. Jay patted Austin’s face, the touch comforting, then took the few steps needed to bring him close to Liam. Austin expected Jay to hug Liam too, but Jay went to his knees and bowed his head. “Good-bye, Sir. Thank you for taking care of me.”

Austin watched Liam’s face soften, a rigidity fading from it that had made him look older. “It was my pleasure. It always is. Don’t forget the lines you owe me.”

Jay glanced up, his eyes widening in surprise. “You really want me to do them?”

Liam arched his eyebrows, and Jay sighed resignedly and got to his feet.

“One hundred lines. Yes, Sir.”

Liam put his finger under Jay’s chin and tilted it up, dropping a kiss on Jay’s mouth. “They’ll make wonderful bedtime reading for me, I’m sure.”

When Jay had driven off, Austin turned to Liam. “Sir—”

“No,” Liam said. “Whatever it is you’re thinking, stop.”

Right, like it was that simple.

“Come with me.” Liam gestured, and Austin followed. He was expecting to be led into the den, but instead Liam opened the door to the basement and went downstairs. “I’m not sure how you feel about all this carpet. It might not be ideal. At the time I bought the house, I liked the thought of the basement being finished but didn’t really imagine what I’d do with it.” He walked out into the open space. “What do you think?”

“It’s nice.” Austin’s heart was still thudding away, though it was considering slowing a bit. “Um. Empty.”

The space was unfurnished, though as Liam had said, there was carpeting in a shade of cocoa brown on the floors, and the walls were painted off-white. Along one wall were a few boxes, and an alcove housed the hot water heater and other systems. “We could put up a wall for a bedroom, maybe down the end here?” Liam said. “And a small kitchen—you’d be free to use the upstairs one whenever you liked, of course. And a bathroom, and then you could have a living area that opened onto the garden.”

Austin went down to the double sliding glass doors and looked out into the yard. “Could Jay plant some stuff?”

“I assume the end of that question is ‘as long as I don’t mind that it will certainly die?’ Yes, of course. I do see a fair number of groundhogs and rabbits, though, so they may beat him to the punch when it comes to killing the plants.”

“That would be good,” Austin said. The expanse of lawn was green and had been cut recently, probably for the last time now that fall was here. He jumped when he felt Liam come up behind him and wrap an arm around him, then sighed and relaxed, leaning against Liam’s solid body.

“I hate seeing you so unhappy,” Liam murmured. “I promise we’ll sort this out.”

“I know. I’m not unhappy, just…unsettled.”

“And that bothers you. Jay likes change, sees it as a challenge, but you prefer life to stay the same, I think.”

“I want some things to change,” Austin told him. “I want us all to be more to each other. I go home with Jay and we leave you here and it feels…wrong.”

Liam was quiet for a moment, his hand caressing Austin’s arm. “If it helps, I’ve always accepted the fact that I’m part of what you and Jay have at your request. You and Jay… Sometimes I look at you and don’t see any room for me, because what you have is solid. The only crack is your need for a Dom, and I try to fill that, but I don’t want to widen it and break you up—and this metaphor is getting out of hand.”

Austin shook his head. “God, no. You couldn’t. You wouldn’t. Liam—Sir—we love you. We need you, yes, but I think if you decided the Dom side of things wasn’t working out, we’d still want to be with you.”