Authors: Maxi MacNair
“Interested in dessert?” Derek whispered into my ear.
“Already?”
“I have something special. If you’re interested.”
“Okay, sure.”
“It’s in my bed room.”
I slapped him lightly on the arm.
“No—it’s actually edible—I mean, it’s actually food.”
I looked at him askance. “Not so sure I trust you, but all right.”
Derek laughed, then took my hand and pulled me into his room. He told me to sit on his bed, and he disappeared into his closet. I heard a drawer open, and the crinkling of plastic bags associated with rummaging through stuff.
When he returned, he was holding something behind his back.
“Close your eyes,” he said.
I did, grinning.
There was the sound of tearing plastic and a crinkle of foil. I felt the mattress shift as he sat down next to me.
Something pressed against my lips. I parted them to let him push whatever it was into my mouth.
“Bite it.”
I bit into the chocolate ball and sweet champagne filled my mouth, my eyes opening with the pleasant surprise.
“Like it?”
I nodded, sucking the remains of the champagne from the chocolate shell.
“Your turn,” I said, leaning over to unwrap a truffle from the box. “Close your eyes.”
He laughed, but closed them, and I traced the chocolate over his lips before tipping it into his mouth.
After a second chocolate each, Derek slid the box onto the nightstand and looked at me with eyes that set my heart smouldering. I leaned back in the bed, resting on my elbows, thinking of something I knew that would be even sweeter than the chocolate.
He crawled above me, his legs and arms outside of mine, trapping me in just the way I wanted to be. Then he leaned back, and looked me over, drawing a slow line from my navel to my chin with a single finger. His eyes shone like small stars and radiated something that stole my breath away. After a long moment of regarding me with those bright, wide eyes, he swooped low and pressed his face to mine in a kiss that I’d never forget. I dug my fingers into his back and pulled his body into mine. And in return, he pulled me closer, squeezing me tight as our tongues touched and hearts began to beat in synchrony.
I don’t know who did what, but soon we had slid out of our clothes and we were naked on top of the bed. Taking in each other's tongues, gasping for breath when we broke free. It was frantic and wild, urgent and comforting. Our thighs were getting streaked with wetness. His from me, mine from liquid leaking from the tip of his erection that was responding to every touch and caress. He closed his eyes and rolled his head back as I gripped it in my fist and stroked it slowly and smoothly. His fingers found my folds and the slickness down there meant his finger was quickly circling and stroking exactly where I needed it. Our lips only separated for air still and there was no need for words as our bodies took over everything we did. Derek rolled over so that he was trapping me again and then stopped to rummage through his bedside table drawer to find a condom again. I grabbed his arm though and slowly guided the bulb of his cock toward my opening and felt it slide through my grip going deep inside me raw and uncovered. That was the last conscious decision I made that night as I rolled my hips in time with the earnest thrusts of Derek’s body. I let out moans I never thought I could. Something was coming out of me as he drove inside me, and the look I saw on Derek’s was nothing like the smirking playboy I sometimes caught him being, but was something different. Something vulnerable and honest. Derek’s member continued to penetrate me as I started to come again and soon his pace quickened his strokes still long and hard, driving deep, tossing me into the orgasm. I could feel his cock swell even larger and he started making his own uncontrolled sounds, his cheek pressed next to mine. Lost in my own orgasm I felt the warmth burst inside of me, the heat coat my insides as we started to slow our rhythm taking every drop of bliss we could give to each other. And yet I felt like neither of us could get as close to the other as we truly desired.
~
“I have to go,” Derek said from his bedroom’s walk-in closet where I could hear him pulling on a pair a jeans.
I just woke, and he must have heard me sit up and pull the blue sheets up over my body.
“Right now?” I glanced at the clock. It was only just after nine.
“Sorry I can’t get you breakfast.” His voice sounded rough, as if he was getting a cold, and lacking the gentle cadence of last night.
“Is everything okay?” I squished the sheets into my chest.
“I got a message,” he said. “I have to go now.”
“You said yesterday that you wanted to hangout all day today,” I said.
“I can’t now,” he said looking sadder than I had ever seen him. “This is not something I can control.”
I thought he was going to continue, but he didn’t, so I crawled towards the edge of the bed with the hope of being able to bring him into my line of sight. I could see only half of his body, the rest obscured by the wall. He was just standing there, shirtless, with a belt halfway looped through his pants. He looked as if he had suddenly forgotten how to put on a belt, holding one limp end in his hand. Although I couldn’t see his face, I could see his distress and sorrow in the way his usually proud shoulders drooped forward and the small of his back curved more out than in. I gulped and shirked back towards the head of the bed.
I felt bad spying on him. I felt I had just seen something I shouldn’t have, something he wasn’t wanting to share. My gut churned as I wondered what that something truly was. Why did he suddenly have to leave? I wondered if I had done something wrong, and if this was just an excuse to make me leave. Ice gripped my heart as the idea of him seeing another woman crossed my mind. Was I just a play-toy that he thought he earned by feeding me dessert, and setting the stage with music and candles?
The candles. Why were they out in the first place? They hadn’t been stored away in a cupboard, but already on display, as if they were waiting for me. Or for anyone else he lured here with his stupid, charming smile and flirtatious words. How many times had he paired the candles, jazz, and wine, or pulled out a box of champagne-filled chocolates from his closet?
My vision began to shimmer at the edges, and I wiped my eyes. My chest heaved, but I clenched my fist, determined not to make a show of it, in his bedroom. I couldn’t let him see me as a spoiled, entitled girl wanting to be the sole token of his affection. I couldn’t let him see how lonely him leaving right now made me feel. I couldn’t let him see that what I had felt for him last night was composed of more than just lust. Especially not after only a couple dates. I had to think positive—or less destructive at any rate. Maybe this was just his reality. The reality of a soldier. There was no space for what either of us wanted.
I rolled out of the bed and found my undergarments and clothes from the night before scattered around the floor. I dressed hurriedly and without words, my skin already turning to gooseflesh.
Derek came up behind me just as I finished adjusting my top and rested a hand on my waist.
“Hey,” he said. “I had a good time last night.” Obviously that being the only thing he knew to say in a situation like this.
“That’s good,” I said without turning around. Was it only our night activities that were worthy of mention?
“Sorry to have to kick you out so soon.”
“It’s fine, I should swing by the office in a couple hours anyway,” I said, shrugging with as much nonchalance I could muster.
He spun me to face him, my planted feet ripped from the ground. I blinked at him, expecting some of that smile to appear and chase away my scorn. But instead his mouth was flat and his eyes were nothing more than tarnished mirrors. The feeling that usually expelled from him was gone, as if he had simply flicked off a light or shut off a running tap. He planted a kiss on my forehead, but it was an empty, compulsory kiss.
“Here’s a spare key,” he said. “Lock up when you leave and just slide it back under the door.”
I nodded dumbly. And then he tore a coat from his closet, the hanger dinging loud in protest at the rough stripping of its cover, and left. I stood in his bedroom, dressed but still feeling naked, with the echo of a slammed door ringing in my ears.
The persistent trilling of my phone was what pulled me up from the carpet of his room. I choked on saliva and smudged old eyeliner and mascara into and under my eyes, making my eyes water further and exacerbating my dark circles. My head ached at the temples and my nose was stuffed. Even worse, I felt like an idiot.
I forced myself to focus on the screen of my phone. It was the office calling, even though I had booked the day off. I let the phone ring out. They could leave a message if it was important.
After refreshing my appearance in the washroom, I gathered my things and slowly made my way towards the door of the apartment. It was incredibly awkward to be in a stranger’s space, alone, being told to ‘lock up’ once I leave. The air was brimming with memories from last night, but the energy of today threatened to taint them. I could still smell him in my hair each time it swayed, and when I closed my eyes, I could still feel his fingers along my skin, and the warmth of him inside me. I thought about making a mess of the place, but found myself making the bed instead.
The door to the apartment locked with a hard click, and I wondered if this would be the last time I’d ever see it. Or Derek, for that matter. I started at the silver key in my hand for a long moment, then slowly slid it under the door and headed home.
~
I breathed deep, allowing the air to flow down and through my entire body before slowly letting it out. My throat felt like something was pressing up against it, twisting just a little, but I wasn’t wearing a scarf. I repeated the controlled breathing, closing my eyes and shutting out the background din of the cafe. It wasn’t as if I hadn’t thought about our final moment together before, but for some reason, here in this cafe, right now, it got to me. The shock of being passed a spare key and told to lock up suddenly felt real again. The feeling of abandonment as I stood in his apartment, alone, returned to me raw.
I wiped at my eyes. My stupid hormones were probably to blame for this unorthodox sensitivity. That and the fact that Derek, the man who bid for a part of my heart and then vanished, would arrive soon. I wondered what had really happened that morning after our last night together. He never did apologize for it, and he never did elaborate on his excuse. Not even as a passing line in one of his emails. Either he was actively avoiding addressing it, or he genuinely did not realize how he had made me feel. But could anyone really be that ignorant? I doubted it, but there was always the fact that he was a soldier, and there was his duty to that that there was no getting around.
Massaging one side of my head, I ground my teeth. Best I should try to get some closure on that while I had the chance. Otherwise it might nag at me, in the back of my head, forever.
I checked the time on my phone and my heartbeat quickened. Given the timestamp on his text, Derek should be here in only a few minutes, unless whatever his errand was sent him in a completely opposite direction. I tried to calm myself and create a cheerful, yet stoic persona, but my mind raced through twisting loops that made me dizzy.
I had rehearsed what I would say to him numerous times before, but would I be able to do it with as much grace as I practiced? I acknowledged the possibility of turning mute as soon as I saw him, the words simply falling from my lips to the floor. It was equally as likely that I found the courage to spit the words out, but mixed them up to make no sense at all.
And then there was the question of how he would react to the news. I had initially chose a public location to keep our meeting casual, but maybe he would find the choice inappropriate for the subject matter I wanted to breach. Would he be angry at me for calling him out just to tell him he was the father of a child he didn’t want? There was no getting around the fact that he was being ambushed by this information. The state of my body a dead giveaway to the situation and the choice he now had to make. I hoped he wouldn’t shut down like he did the last time I saw him, and disappear again.
“Claire?”
I looked up, shaken from my spiraling thoughts.
There he was. Derek. Standing tall in front of me, eyes gleaming like they did in my favorite memories of him. One edge of his mouth curled up, as if he was actually too shy to smile any further. His hair was shorter than I remembered.
“Oh, Derek!” I said, standing up to greet him, his appearance throwing me into a rush of emotion.
His arms were open as if to embrace me, but then his eyes found the swell of my body. He paused. Confusion took over his eyes, followed by a look of realization, and then settling into disappointment. His smile faded and the shine in his eyes fell away to reveal nothing more than a flat, emotionless brown. His arms dropped to his sides.
Suddenly I was back at his apartment, watching him from his bed, then looking into those cold eyes as he handed me his key. Was this really happening again? Fear gripped me, squeezing my heart. I could feel him slipping away. Withdrawing. Changing his mind about even something as mundane as a coffee date. And it terrified me. And I finally realized just how much I missed him and just how much I wanted him back in my life.