Roll Me Up and Smoke Me When I Die: Musings From the Road (11 page)

One time Billy Joe was in one of the shows I put on in Austin, Texas. It was in a cow pasture in Dripping Springs. He took some peyote before he got there and thought he was Jesus. He preached for hours to anyone who would listen. He said he saved a lot of souls that day and baptized them in a mud puddle. They were very grateful, and still love the lord till this day as far as I know.

Kris and I have been great friends forever. Kris is still writing great songs. I did an album of Kris’s songs and an album of Billy Joe’s songs. I still sing “Help Me Make It Through the Night,” “Loving Her Was Easier,” and “Me and Bobby McGee” in my shows. We played music and acted in movies together, like
Songwriter.
We also made a Western in Spain that I really enjoyed. We got to ride horses and play music with Gypsies every night. That’s hard to beat.

Thought for the Day:
If there is no solution, then there is no problem.

These are words to live by, you should teach them to your kids, and if there is one thing I know for sure, it’s I don’t know nothin’ for sure. I think I’m smart . . . start with that one.

I
HOUSEBROKE
MY
DOG
. E
VERY
TIME
HE
SHIT
ON
THE
FLOOR
I
WOULD
rub his nose in it, then throw him out the window. Now when he shits on the floor, he rubs his nose in it and jumps right out the window.

INTERMISSION

I
shouldn’t have a problem writing this book; I’m so opinionated that I can give you my opinion on anything, anytime, and I’m glad to do it because I’m just an asshole. But they say opinions are like assholes: everybody has one. I guess. “While in all your knowing, know yourself first.” I’m not sure who said that. It was either Billy Joe Shaver or Jesus.

GOLF

S
wing hard, you might hit it. That was my first idea about golf, and learning to swing
easy
is still a work in progress. Mark Twain said, “Golf is a good walk spoiled.” I own a golf course and recording studio outside of Austin at the Pedernales Cut-N-Putt in Spicewood, Texas. The great writer-producer Chips Moman built the music studio, which sits next to the golf course. We cut “Pancho and Lefty” and “Always on My Mind” there, and I still record there.

Sister Bobbie and I just did some recording there. Buddy brought all the good pickers in Nashville down to record my new CD
Heroes
at the Pedernales Cut-N-Putt. My son Lukas is singing with me on the new CD as well. He is so good, it’s scary, and when Micah is there painting, singing, and playing, it all sure makes a great picture.

HIGHWAYMEN

I
met Waylon Jennings one night in Phoenix, Arizona, at an all-night restaurant next to the Holiday Inn where I was staying. We hit it off pretty good right from the start. We were both from Texas and were already called “outlaws.” I don’t know about Waylon, but I ate it up. It was good for my image. Waylon asked me if I thought he should go to Nashville. I asked him how much money he was making in Phoenix, and he said four hundred a week. I told him to stay where he was. I was getting like five hundred a night, but the commissions, hotel, fuel, food, and traveling took it all. I thought he had a better gig than I did. Fortunately, he didn’t listen to me.

Waylon Jennings

We stayed great friends all the way. We disagreed on almost everything and argued like old married people. We were on different drugs. He liked speed, and I didn’t like speed. I was going too fast already.

The Highwaymen tours were the most fun I ever had before or since. Kris and Waylon would argue about politics; John and I would laugh a lot. Later on they would call me just to hear a good joke. I loved John and Waylon. They are dearly missed to this day.

Kris and his wife, Lisa, came by this week on his way to somewhere. He looked great. We laughed a lot, burned one down, and solved all the world’s problems. I love you, Kris; you’re the real deal!

ANNIE NELSON

All the Highwaymen tours were probably my most relaxing and fun tour times. We had four full families on giant tours, all over the planet. Our kids all pretty much grew up on the road. It was the Nelson, Kristofferson, Jennings, and Cash gang all growing up and seeing the world together. Lisa Kristofferson and I were pregnant together at one point, and one of my favorite memories of those times was June Carter Cash telling us both not to worry while we were out there because if either of us went into labor, she was there to deliver them babies! She would have done it too. I loved June and miss her to this day. Our boys were not spoiled with material possessions, but they were spoiled with experience. They traveled all over the planet, and when we were in other countries, they played in parks with other children and never had to share a language, just the fact that they were children; the language of children was the only one they needed to know. They learned so much sharing those times. Knowing people from other cultures gave them the gift of understanding that we really are all the same, and no matter how different we may look, or how ideologically apart we are, we really have more in common than not. We all love, laugh, cry, and are moved by the common language of music together. I am so grateful that I chose the husband I did, so that our children would be children of the world and contributors to the common good.

It is amazing to see those little kids who grew up on the road, now all playing music together. A couple of months ago, John Carter Cash, June and Johnny Cash’s son and part of the “HighwayKid posse,” produced a Johnny Cash birthday concert. The whole show was so emotional for me. Many of the musicians onstage were also musicians on some of the Highwaymen tours. When they started playing the song “The Highwayman,” that was it; I lost it! Onstage were Willie, Kris, Shooter Jennings (standing up for his father), and Jamey Johnson. When Willie and Kris started into their parts of the song, it was as if twenty-five years simply melted away. It was a moment that took me back, and I could see the four of them singing together and cracking each other up.

When the kids were little, they would be on the side of the stage, always dancing and singing along with their dads. On the Johnny Cash birthday night, Lukas was on the road touring with his band the Promise of the Real, but Micah was there onstage playing the charango along with the band! The times they do change, but the road maybe does go on forever, and the party just may never end!

Willie and Kris Kristofferson

It must be true that as you get older the more you look like your pet, because my neighbor came over this morning and chewed me out for shitting in his front yard.

—R
OGER
M
ILLER

Roger Miller was the funniest son of a bitch in the world. He kept me laughing for years. Here are a few Roger jokes:

A lady had bought a screen door at a hardware store. As she was leaving the clerk said, “Do you want a screw for that?” She said, “No, but I’ll blow you for that toaster.”

A man in the used-car lot was looking around and kicking tires. The salesman said, “You thinking about buying a car?” The man said, “No, I’m going to buy a car; I was thinking about pussy.”

One night in Nashville, in a snowstorm, me, Roger, and Kris were sitting around in our hotel trying to write a song. We were there all night and all we could come up with was “I got AIDS; if you fuck with me I’ll kill you.” Roger was one of the greatest songwriters of our time. He wrote songs like “When Two Worlds Collide,” “When Your House Is Not a Home,” “Old Friends,” “England Swings,” and “You Can’t Roller Skate in a Buffalo Herd” . . . Thank you, Roger!

IT’S NOT FOR ME TO UNDERSTAND

I passed a home the other day

The yard was filled with kids at play

But on the sidewalk of this home

A little boy stood all alone

His smiling face was sweet and kind

But I could see the boy was blind

He listened to the children play

Bowed my head and there I prayed

Dear Lord above, why must this be

And then these words came back to me

After all you’re just a man

But it’s not for you to understand

It’s not for you to reason why

You too are blind without my eyes

So question not what I command

It’s not for you to understand

Now when I pray my prayer is one

I pray your will not mine be done

For after all I’m just a man

And it’s not for me to understand

Y
OU
KNOW
YOU
SHOULDN
’
T
BE
READING
THIS
BS,
IT
COULD
RUIN
you for all time to come. You could end up a social outcast like me, an outlaw . . . OMG!

As my old friend Ben Dorsey says, “If you need a friend, buy a dog.”

M
ARCH
2012

Ziggy Marley and his family are visiting with us today. He played a show on Maui last night. He is a great family man and has a beautiful family. We recorded a song called “This Train” together once, for his children’s CD. I think he won a Grammy. It’s good to see him again. I still have to get him back on the poker table. He goes to Australia next. His whole family is into music. It’s nice to be able to play music with your family. All my family is into music too.

Me, Sister Bobbie, Susie, Paula, Amy, Lukas, and Micah, and even Annie plays bass. Lana is the only one who is not a musician. She is so talented in so many other ways, like writing, art, and making videos, and she has a great sense of humor. She can turn trash into a thing of beauty. I’m lucky to have her on the bus with me.