Rogue Cowboy (16 page)

“Any baby news yet?” a nosy, old lady asks as I serve her.  I’m filling in for Mum today at the Coffee House, and all day I’ve been fielding questions like this one.  It’s wearing my patience incredibly thin.

“None yet, Mrs Brown.”  I plaster on a fake smile, the one I’ve been wearing for the last two years when it comes to baby talk.

“You’ll have to get on a move on, love.  You won’t stay young forever.”  I grit my teeth as she takes her coffee and leaves.

I can’t stand sticky beaks!

Maybe I should get a shirt made up that says
No, I’m not pregnant yet.  Yes, we’re trying
.  But, then again, it’s nobodies business but ours.

Since our first appointment with Dr Harolds, I’ve had countless blood tests to check my cycle regularity, my ovulation rate and my hormone levels.  I also had an ultrasound to check the positioning of my uterus and to check for any diseases.  Every test has returned normal.

Yet, I’m still not pregnant.

Sex has become a chore.  On the twelfth, fourteenth and sixteenth day of my cycle, Jeremy and I have sex, once in the morning, once at night.

Nothing has worked, and I’m beginning to think I’ll never get pregnant.

***

“Ready?” Jeremy smiles gently at me.  He kisses my temple and holds me close.  He’s been so supportive from the very beginning, never wavering.

“Come through.”  Dr Harolds waves us in to his office and we take a seat across from him, once again.

“Ava, I know we did a pelvic ultrasound on you roughly six months ago that showed no abnormalities, however, I’d like you to have Hysterosalpingography, just to check for any blockages from the uterus to the fallopian tubes that the ultrasound can sometimes miss.”

“Okay,” I agree cautiously.  “What does that involve?”

“It’s non-invasive.  It just requires X-ray contrast to be injected into your uterus.  You’ll then have an X-ray taken and that will determine whether the flow from your uterus is normal.  Sometimes, just having the test itself can improve fertility, because it flushes out the tubes.”

“It’s worth a try.”  I shrug, willing to give anything a go.

“Excellent.  I’ll give you a form and you can make an appointment.”

“If that shows up fine, what are our next options?”

“If this test shows no blockages and an intact uterine cavity – which I suspect it will, based on your previous ultrasound – I would suggest perhaps trying some fertility medication.  There is a range of tablet and injectable options, and of course In Vitro Fertilization.  However, I would suggest we try the oral medicine first before we look at IVF.”

“Thanks so much, doctor.”

We leave feeling positive.  For the first time in a long time, a small seed of hope is planted within my soul.  “
Sometimes, just having the test itself can improve fertility, because it flushes out the tubes.”
  I hope I’m one of those women.

I pray I am.

It’s a shame that sometimes God doesn’t answer your prayers.

***

“Oscar, are you ready?”

“Yes, Mum.  Oscar is bringing Thomas.”  He holds up his Thomas the Tank Engine toy to show me before running off to pull on his boots.

“Okay, let’s go.”  Taking Oscar’s hand, we walk out to the car, where Jeremy is busy loading our Esky.

“All set?”

“Yep.”

We climb in and drive the short distance over to Edie and Jackson’s house.  As soon as we pull up, Jeremy beeps the horn and little Olive comes toddling out to greet us.

“Hey, beautiful girl.  Look at you, growing up.” I pick her up and plant a kiss on her pretty little face.  I can’t believe she’s two already!

“Hey guys!  Thanks for coming over.”  Edie smiles, coming over to meet us.  Their newborn baby boy, Max, is cradled tenderly in her arms.

“Oscar has Thomas,” Oscar informs her.

“Wow, buddy.  Is that a new one?”

“Bye.”

“Hey, Oscar, come back here, please,” I say sternly.

He sighs, but turns around and races back to us.  The kid is so full of energy, it makes me tired just watching him.

“Aunty Edie asked you a question.  It’s rude to run off when someone is speaking to you,” I chastise.

“Oscar is sorry,” he says to Edie, his head down, looking contrite.

“That’s okay, mate.  I just wanted to know if your toy was new?”

“Yes.”  He perks up, holding the toy up to show her.  “Oscar’s mum got it for him from the shop with the big, purple elephant on the roof,” he explain excitedly, talking a mile a minute.

“Can I go now, Mum?”

I nod, and he runs off.  Olive squirms in my arms, wanting to chase after her cousin, so I place her down and she toddles off after him, giggling.

“She’ll be going to school before you know it,” I remark.

“I know.  Don’t remind me,” Edie laughs.  “Come inside and grab a drink.  I’ve got the nibblies set up on the back verandah.  We thought Oscar and Olive could have a swim, too.  Jules and Clay are already here.”

“Sounds perfect.”

“You nearly finished that bottle, honey?” Jeremy asks.

I nod.  Well, at least, I
think
I do.  “I need more.”  I try to say the words, but my tongue isn’t working properly.

Night has fallen, and Oscar, Banjo, Max and Olive are sound asleep inside, so the adults are still on the verandah, drinking and chatting.  The boys are at one end of the large wooden outdoor setting, and us girls are down the other end.  I’ve consumed one bottle of wine and I’m feeling extremely drunk.  I haven’t been drinking that much alcohol since we started trying for a baby, but tonight, I really just needed to let my hair down.  So, that’s exactly what I’ve done.  And, it feels awesome – to numb my heartache for a few moments is heaven!

“Have you got the results back from your X-ray yet, Ava?”  Jules asks.

“There were no blockages.  According to Dr Harolds, there’s no reason why I shouldn’t be able to get pregnant.  I don’t have any underlying medical conditions, I’m healthy, I’m young and my periods are regular.  Jeremy’s sperm is obviously good, otherwise Oscar wouldn’t be here.”  I sigh.  “It just really gets to me, you know?”

“I’m sorry, babe.  It will happen.  I know it will,” Edie says, taking my hand and squeezing it tightly.

I don’t allow myself to cry often, but in this moment, I can’t help the two tears that escape and roll down my cheeks.  I swipe them away and look up as Jer brings me another bottle of wine.

He pops the cork and pours me a glass before bending down to kiss me soundly.  “I love you,” he murmurs against my lips.

“I love you,” I reply, meaning every word.

***

The next morning, I wake with a killer hangover.  My eyes crack open gingerly to see Jeremy holding a plastic bowl by my head.

“Need this?” he asks, a cocky grin on his face.

“Don’t make fun of me,” I groan, and then add, “Thank you.”  I sit up slightly and lose my stomach into the bowl.  “Oh gross.  I am never drinking again.”

He leaves, only to return seconds later with a cool washcloth.  He dabs my mouth and then my eyes, before laying it across my forehead.

He takes such good care of me.  It’s why he’s such a good husband and father – because he’s always so caring, forever putting our needs above his own.

He’s perfect.

My perfect.

I think it’s because I’m so depressed, but lately I’ve been thinking about Oscar’s birth mum.  Or, more specifically, wondering if Jeremy took care of her in such a loving way when she was pregnant.  I wonder if he held a bowl for her while she vomited, and brought her a washcloth and cleaned her up.  Of course, I’m not pregnant, only hung-over.  But, I don’t doubt he’d take the same care of me no matter the reason I was sick.

I hate that she gave him a child and I couldn’t.  Even though Oscar is mine in all the ways that count, I still can’t help but wish I’d been the one who birthed him, who’d been there to give him his first bath, to see his first smile.

I’m jealous, and jealousy is a colour that looks good on no one.

My woman is depressed.  She’s also good at hiding it.  I hate that I can’t do anything to help her, except support her, and listen to her.

I know she’s desperate to have a baby.  I want it too.  I just wish I didn’t feel so fucking useless. 

When something is broken, I know how to fix it.

When someone is hurt, I know how to make it better.

My wife is broken, and she’s hurt.  And, I don’t know how to fix her.  I don’t know how to make it all better.  I’ve never felt more hopeless in my life.

I hate that she’s suffering.

Most of all, I hate that I can’t give her what she wants.

“Oscar?  Come with Dad, bud.”  I rub my hand over his head as we walk to my ute.

“Where is Oscar going?”

Once we’re in the ute, I reverse out of the garage and head towards Darwin.  “We’re going to do something special for Mummy tonight.”

“Is Oscar’s mummy sad?”

“No, mate,” I lie, not wanting him to catch on.  “Sometimes men just need to do nice things for their women.  That’s what being a good husband and son is.”

“Oscar likes being a good son,” he replies happily.

“You’re the best son, mate.”

I pull into the shopping mall in Darwin and we make our way inside to get supplies.

“We need some candles and some pretty bath shit that mum will like, okay?”

“Okay. Oscar can do it.”

After a lot of searching we finally find what we need, so we head to the checkout.  As luck would have it, directly in front of us is a woman with a newborn.  Behind us is a woman with a baby about six months old.  Oscar turns around, staring at the slightly older baby.

“Dad,” he says distractedly.

“Yeah, bud?”

“Oscar wants a baby.”

“When you’re older and get married, you can have a baby.”

“No, Oscar wants his mummy to have a baby.  Like that one,” he says, not taking his eyes off the baby.  “Can Oscar’s mum get us a baby, Dad?”

“Maybe one day, bud.  Come on, it’s our turn.”  We move forward to the checkout and pay before leaving.  Even as we’re walking out the door, Oscar keeps turning his head, looking back at the baby.

Something tells me he won’t be giving up on this idea so easily.

***

Ava is out with Edie doing something girly, so Oscar and I have the house to ourselves.  We set up the candles in the bathroom and lay out all the new smelly shit we bought. 

“Oscar, can you tidy up your toys for me?”  I call out, while trying not to kill myself as I attempt to cook spaghetti bolognaise.

Just as I’m putting the garlic bread into the oven, Ava comes through the door. 

“Hey, honey.”  Fuck, she looks incredible.  Every single day she gets more and more beautiful.  Her blonde hair is sitting on top of her head in one of those knots chicks like to wear.  A pair of little denim shorts shows off her sexy legs and tight little arse, and I bet if I sprayed water on that white tank top, the pink bra I watched her put on this morning would show through.

She’s the definition of fucking incredible.

And, she’s mine.

“Mummy!” Oscar comes tearing into the kitchen and collides with Ava’s legs.

“Hey, little man.  I missed you today,” she says, leaning down to give him a kiss.

“Oscar and Daddy did special things for Mummy.”

“You did?” she gasps, a smile lighting her entire face.

Oscar nods excitedly and I laugh.

“Oscar and Daddy got Mummy candles and smelly shit,” he tells her matter-of-factly.

Ava gasps and chides, “Oscar, you can’t say bad words.”  He’s already racing off to the bathroom, though, so Ava looks over to me and gives me wide eyes.

“What?” I shrug.  “Come on.”

Walking into the bathroom, Oscar shouts, “Ta-da.”

“Oh, I love it,” she cries, tears filling her eyes.  “Thank you.”  She hugs us both and then brings her soft, plump lips to mine.  “Thanks, babe.”

“Anytime. You deserve it, honey.  We love you.”

“I love you both, so much.”

We leave Ava to have a bath while I finish up getting dinner served.

I’d say that was a success!

I sink down into the bubbles, as the scent of vanilla and lavender fills my senses.  Heaven.

“Can Oscar come in?”

“Sure, buddy,” I reply, making sure my essentials are covered.

He quietly steps into the bathroom and comes to stand beside the tub.  He looks distracted as he slowly runs his hands through the bubbles, popping the big ones as he goes.

“What’s wrong, sweetheart?” I prompt, when he remains silent, his eyes on the bubbles.

“Oscar wants Mummy to have a baby.”

Tears prick my eyes as my stomach drops.  “Do you?” I say thickly, unsure what else to say.

“Daddy said one day but Oscar wants it now.”

“Buddy, sometimes, it doesn’t matter how much we want something, it doesn’t always happen right away.  That doesn’t mean it’s not going to happen at all.  It just means we have to be patient.  You know what patient means, right.”

He nods.  “But, how come Uncle Jack and Aunty Edie got a baby?  You can get one from their shop.  Oscar wants one now.”  He gets increasingly agitated.

“I know you don’t understand, Oscar, but please don’t raise your voice to me.”

“Oscar wants a baby!” he screams at me, beginning a complete meltdown.  It’s been a while since he has had one, but this is no different to the other times.

Jeremy comes running in. “Oh shit.  Stay there, honey, I’ll take care of it.”

“It’s fine,” I say, standing up to grab a towel.

“Stay. Relax,” he orders, before picking up a screaming and thrashing Oscar and taking him out, closing the door softly behind him.

I sink back down into the bath water and totally submerge myself, hoping to drown the ache in my heart.

***

“Thanks for dinner.”  I press my ear into Jeremy’s chest and wrap my arms around his waist. 

“Anytime, Ava.”  He kisses my forehead twice.  “You ready to go and have a chat with our boy?”

“Yes.”
No.

“C’mon, honey.”  Taking my hand we move into Oscar’s bedroom where he’s having some quiet time.

“Oscar, come sit over here, please,” I say.

“We need to speak to you about your behaviour earlier,” Jeremy adds.

Oscar plops himself down on the bed.  “Oscar’s sorry.  Oscar wants a baby.”

“We realize that, but it doesn’t give you any excuse to act out the way you did.”

“Does Mummy and Daddy not want a baby because Oscar is naughty?  Oscar will be a good boy.  Oscar promises.”  His bottom lip trembles and my heart breaks into a million pieces, littering my ribcage with the debris.

“No!  No, sweetheart, that’s not it at all.  We love you, so much.  And we’d love to have another baby,” I implore, my tears threatening to spill over.

“We just need to be patient, okay,” Jeremy tells him.  “In the meantime, remember you’ve got Banjo and Olive to play with.  And, Max is getting bigger so you can play with him, too.”

“They are not babies,” he sulks.

“They were babies,” Jeremy explains.  “But, like all babies, they’re growing up.  Babies don’t stay little forever.”

“Okay,” he mumbles.  “Oscar wants to go to sleep now.”  He slides in under his covers and pulls them up to his chin.

Leaning down, I kiss him gently on the forehead.  “I love you for all the world.”

“Love you.”

Jeremy kisses him goodnight as well and we walk out into the living room.  Curling up in my husband’s lap, I try to shake the heavy mood that’s settled around us.

“Come on, honey.  Let’s go to bed.  We’ve got a big day tomorrow.”

He’s right.  We do have a big day tomorrow.  We’re meeting with Doctor Harolds again.  I’ve been taking fertility tablets for six months now, and still, every month, my period comes.

***

Sitting across from Doctor Harolds once again, Jeremy and I listen as he explains our next step.

“I have the results from you last blood work here,” he says, checking the papers.  “Everything looks normal.”

“Part of me wishes something would show up abnormal so at least we’d know what was wrong,” I find myself saying.

“That’s understandable.”  He nods.  “Sometimes, infertility is just unexplainable,” he sighs.  “Based on the results of your bloods, the ultrasounds and X-rays you’ve had, I’d have to say that’s the case here.”

I swallow hard.  Unexplained infertility.  That probably means there’s no treatment at all.

“You’ve been taking the Clomiphene tablets for six months now, with no results, so I’d like to try something else.”

“What do you have in mind, doc?”

“Intrauterine Insemination.  More commonly known as IUI.  What it involves is placing the sperm directly into the uterus around the time ovulation occurs.  Now, what I suggest is that you continue taking the Clomiphene, because that will increase your chances of falling pregnant.”

“What are the chances?”  I ask.

“It can be as high as twenty percent.”

Twenty percent.  That’s hardly any chance at all.

I look to my husband and I’m sure he can see my thoughts written all over my face.

“If we don’t decide to go ahead with the IUI, what are our other options?” Jeremy asks.

“I would recommend IVF.  The success rate of that is around fifty percent.”

Doctor Harolds goes on to explain we would need to go to Darwin Medical Institute to complete the IVF process, and then he breaks down the cost for us.

Tears prick my eyes when I see the total amount.

“We can’t afford that,” I whisper to Jeremy.

“Of course we can, baby,” he reassures me. 

“Jeremy,” I start again.

“Ava, trust me.  We can afford it.  I promise.”

“Okay.”

“Well, you’ll need to make an appointment in Darwin.  I’ll have all of your medical reports faxed over to them and we’ll go from there.”

“Thank you.”  We stand, shaking his hand and leaving.

“Jeremy, the out of pocket costs for the first treatment is almost four thousand dollars.  What if it doesn’t work, there’s only a fifty percent chance it will.”

“Forget the money side of things, darling.  We’ve got money, so don’t stress over that.  As for the fifty percent, well, that’s better than the twenty percent chance of the IUI.”

He’s right.  He’s right about
all
of it.

Darwin Medical Institute, here we come!