RockMySenses (14 page)

“Why the fuck not? Did some guy hurt you?” My expression
must have answered for me as he continued. “Whoever he was, it’s not me. Have I
ever given you any indication that I would hurt you?” Unsure how to answer, I
didn’t say anything. “Almost everyone’s been burned, Allana. I have too.”

My silence must have enraged him more as he shouted, “What
is so goddamn awful about taking a chance with me?”

“It’s not just you, it’s…”

“Oh, don’t you dare!”

“What?”

“Don’t you dare say, it’s not you, it’s me. Everyone knows
that’s the biggest blow-off. I don’t know how many times I’ve used it myself.”

“You don’t know me!” I exploded. “You don’t know anything
about me except what I’m like in bed!”

“You’re right. I’ve been acting like a fool trying to find
out more about you, but now I’m nothing but a psycho stalker. You never made an
effort, never moved one goddamn inch!”

“Stop shouting at me!” I bellowed inches from his face.

He pointed at me in accusation. “You’ve just been using me
to get what you want. And more than just sex. Look at me spending the day at
your studio yesterday like a goddamn tool setting everything up for someone who
doesn’t want anything to do with me. You are a master manipulator.” He punched
the wall in fury and I stared at him, wide-eyed. “You played me, Allana. So
damn good.” His eyes blazed with anger and I couldn’t get over the difference
from the man I sat with minutes ago.

“No. That’s not true! You don’t know,” I began to explain,
but he cut me off.

“I thought you were different. I really did. And I was
falling for you. Like I’ve never felt about any woman before.” The icy look
that pierced me would burn inside forever. “But you are no different after all.
You’re no better than the rest. Maybe worse.”

I pointed my finger in his face. “Don’t talk to me like
that. Ever!” I opened the front door and slammed it behind me, shaking as I
rushed to get away from his house. When I pulled out my phone, I was so frazzled
I couldn’t remember the name of a local cab company. Instead, I hit Lily’s name
on my Favorites. “Can you come get me?” I said in a frantic tone.

I held it together while I stumbled away from his house. The
ultimate walk of shame. When she pulled up a lifetime later, I crumbled into
the front seat.

“Are you okay?” she asked.

“No,” I said, my voice trembling.

And then I broke down.

Mike

I stormed into the living room after Allana had left. When I
saw the two mugs there from last night, I picked hers up and hurled it to the
wall.

“Fuck!”

Why did I freak out like that? I mean, I could’ve just
spoken to her in a normal tone, but no, I had to lose my shit. I’d been overreacting
to things lately like an angst-ridden teen. I had jumped that guy in the club
crawling all over Allana and then I unleashed my anger on her when she didn’t
agree to go out with me. What was I, a hormonal fifteen-year-old?

No, I was never like this at fifteen. Too busy with music
and my nerd world. Something was building inside me and I had no idea what it
was. Last night, it all came to a head when I jumped the guy.

Danton thought I had gargoyle blood in me. Whatever the fuck
that meant. Fuck Danton, fuck his crazy gargoyle talk, and fuck Allana!

I went over to my stereo and searched for something hard I
could lose myself in. Slayer’s
South of Heaven
. I turned it up as loud
as I could take. The walls had soundproof insulation so I could get away with
more. The music pumped loud and furious into my veins.

For the next hour, I paced the room like a caged animal,
channeling my aggression into the music. That’s it, I was done with it all.
Going back to my old life before I fell for Allana. Before some whacko yanked
my chain about my bloodline and a woman played me like I was a goddamn new toy.
If I could go back a month before, I never would have gone backstage at Vamps.
My life would remain simple. Work, play guitar, and bang random women. No
emotion, no pain.

Clearly I wasn’t meant to be in a relationship. Just when I
found a woman I’m interested in starting one with, I scared her the fuck off.

I was done with this shit. Fuck it all.

Allana

I gave Lily the quick version of events as she drove to my
apartment, skipping past the more intimate details. “It ended so ugly. With me
slamming the door and storming out. What’s wrong with me, Lily?”

“Nothing,” she reassured me. “You did what’s best for you.”

“I don’t know anymore.” I buried my face into my hands. “I
just don’t.”

After Lily made us tea, we sat in my living room. Since my
roommate was a personal trainer who worked crazy hours, I could babble about my
distress without being overheard.

“I don’t even know what to make of it.” I clutched my mug
with both hands to capture the warmth. “He acted all crazy last night. Beating
the hell out of that guy who grabbed me and then rushing us out of there.”

“Yeah, Nico said Mike was freaking out about some guy and we
had to high-tail it out of there. He didn’t know what the hell Mike was talking
about, but we went home.”

“He was freaked out saying some guy backstage told him he
was a—what was it, some creature—a gargoyle.”

Lily almost choked on her tea. “Excuse me.”

“He said this guy told him he was a gargoyle and he
transformed into one right in front of Mike. Told him he thought he was one of
his kind.”

“That explains the scent,” Lily said under her breath.

“What?” I stared at her. “What scent?”

Her eyes widened. With a wave of her hand, she added.
“Nothing. Just rambling.”

I remembered what Mike had said next as I went through my
chronological brain dump of events. “Oh shit, I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone.
Shit, shit, shit! He was worried enough about telling me and now I’ve gone and
told you, putting you in danger.” I cackled like a madwoman. “Oh my God, listen
to me. I’ve freakin’ lost it. I know how insane it sounded when he told me. And
here I am telling you. You’re going to think I’m a whack job. Ahhhh!”

“Ally, calm down. I don’t think you’re crazy. Do one of your
calming breathing exercises and get your shit together.” She smiled, put her
hand on my shoulder to show her encouragement. “You can do it. You’re a pro.”

“Okay, okay. You’re right.” I focused on my breath and
counted, a ritual I did to center myself. My racing systems slowed to function
back at normal levels. After several minutes, I said, “I’m feeling a little
better now.”

“Good.”

I glanced at Lily, realizing she was the first person I
thought of in my worst moment. We had been on friendly terms for months and
hung out, but she’d always been so private and reserved. It wasn’t until she
started dating Nico that she loosened up a little. No, a lot. She wasn’t as
closed off and guarded as she used to be. The simple comforting gesture of
patting me on the shoulder would have been too personal for the old Lily.

“Thank you for coming to get me. It means a lot to me.”

“You’re welcome. That’s what friends do, right?”

I was pretty sure I was the one of Lily’s only female friend
and probably the closest. “Absolutely. You know something, Nico has brought out
the best in you.”

“You think so?” Her face bloomed as her gaze drifted off. “I
don’t have to hide anything around him and it lets me be more myself. You know
what I mean?”

I thought about Mike. About the glimpses into his personal
life he showed me I guessed not too many people knew. About the glances into my
own I showed him as well. But some of my secrets were too painful to reveal.
“Yeah, I know what you mean.”

We sat in silence for several moments, lost in our own
thoughts as we drank tea.

Lily piped in on Mike’s behalf. “You know, he’s been
different lately. Not hyping the role of the womanizing rock star. You must
have had quite an impact on him.”

“Maybe,” I agreed. “But that doesn’t mean he won’t return to
his old ways. Once the novelty of something with me wears off and he sees some
hot girl hanging onto his every move, he’ll move on.”

“Maybe. Maybe not.” She shrugged. “Listen, I’m not saying
it’s easy to be in a relationship with a guy in a band, especially when there
are loads of half-naked women trying to get with them at their shows, but I’m
glad I did. I trust Nico. He’d never hurt me intentionally.”

“Mike isn’t Nico.”

“I know. He’s a quirky character. But if you don’t give him
a chance, you won’t ever know.”

She homed in on the core of my inner turmoil. “It’s too late
for that now.”

Lily appraised me. “You know, I haven’t known you that long,
but you’ve never mentioned a relationship. What’s the story? Are you gun-shy?”

I chewed my bottom lip as I debated telling her more of the
story. “Yes.”

“Why?”

I sighed before I answered. “I was engaged once.”

“You were.” Her eyes were wide with amazement. “You’re so
young.”

“That was part of the problem. We were both young. High
school sweethearts. We got engaged before we started college.”

“What happened?”

Searching for something to focus on before I continued, I
saw one of my cats sauntering behind the couch. I called her over, rubbing her
under the chin and pulling her onto my lap.

I sighed. “He died in a car crash. Alcohol was involved.”

Lily slammed her hand over her mouth. “Oh my God, I’m so
sorry.”

“There’s more to the story,” I revealed. “At his funeral, a
number of young women came to pay their respects. I learned he’d been cheating
on me with several of them. If he hadn’t died, I would have killed him.”

“Oh, Ally,” Lily said. “That’s awful. I don’t know what to
say.”

I gave a bitter laugh. “The funny thing is he played guitar
for a garage band. I guess I have a type.”

“I totally get it now,” Lily said.

“Me too,” I said. “I’ve been telling myself I can’t get involved
with anyone because of the studio, but the truth runs deeper.” I glanced her
way. “I’m terrified of making the same mistake twice.”

Mike

Days went by where I merely existed. Going to and from work
like a zombie, participating in band practice on autopilot. Drinking at night
to dull the pain. Losing myself in music I blared in my living room. Avenged
Sevenfold, Five Finger Death Punch, old Metallica, Black Sabbath, the Misfits.

Absolutely no love ballads.

So many times I thought about calling Allana or stopping by.
I rehearsed apologizing for being a giant ass and freaking out on her.

No, you’ve pursued her enough. She’s made her feelings
clear. Back the fuck off.

Nico was the first to pick up on my foul mood. He closed the
door to our office and asked, “What the hell’s wrong with you lately, man?”

I bristled at the questioning I knew was coming. “I don’t
want to talk about it.”

“Is it Ally?”

“Her name is Allana,” I snapped. “An alley is a walkway
between buildings.”

“She calls herself Ally. Why are you getting all hyped up
over her name anyway?”

I spun in my chair to face him. “Damn good question. Wish I
knew.”

“What happened?”

I envisioned the nights we went back to my place. She was so
hot, we couldn’t get enough of each other. But even more, I liked having her
there. On my couch, in my kitchen, in my bed. Just being near her.

“Nothing,” I responded in a flat tone. “That’s what
happened.”

Nico remained quiet for a moment. “So things didn’t work
out, eh? I heard there was a—misunderstanding.”

“Oh, good God. She tells Lily, Lily tells you, you tell me.
Wonderful, just wonderful,” I spat. “I’m living in a teen drama.” Then I
undermined my flippant response by asking, “What did she say?”

“I didn’t ask for the details. I just heard that the fling
was over.”

“Crashed and burned, my friend. A twisted, burning,
smoldering, no-survivor car wreck.”

“Talk about drama,” Nico murmured.

* * * * *

We had a show in Boston, our first show since the night that
guy had felt up Allana.

“Try not to beat anyone down tonight,” John ribbed.

“If I do, I’ll start with you.”

“Ha ha ha. Someone is so sensitive. PMS?”

We’d played this club a few times, it was one of the few
that welcomed rock acts in the age of all the oversized, overpriced dance
venues. I loved coming down to Boston, but tonight I found myself searching the
crowd for a petite blonde with a tight body dancing with her friend Lily.
Although I knew the chances were pretty much zilch, not finding her ripped more
disappointment through me.

When a sexy brunette with enhanced breasts and pouty pink
lips hung onto me after the show, I thought why the hell not. Allana clearly
didn’t want me, but this woman did. Besides, I vowed to go back to my old ways.
Sex with no strings attached.

We went to her place and didn’t waste any time before going
to her room. The sex was okay, but I was distracted, thinking about Allana.
Wishing it was Allana’s soft moans, her legs wrapped around me, her nails
digging into my back.

My attempt to forget her and move on only made me think of
her all the more.

I couldn’t even finish. In fact, I couldn’t even stay hard.
I just wanted this to end and get the hell out of here. Since I wore a condom,
I lied and faked coming. Then I rushed into the bathroom to flush the evidence.

Back in her room, I said, “Sorry, but I’ve got to go.”

“What?” She appeared stunned.

“I’ve got to work in the morning. I have a day job too, and
it’s getting late.”

“Wow. You don’t play around. Just come over for sex and then
leave?”

Being in her apartment now made me claustrophobic and I
breathed with relief once I left. I’d already forgotten her name. Something
with an M and an N. Marina? Nope. No clue.

Banging other women didn’t help erase Allana from my memory.
What would? Burying the humiliation, heartache and regret on how things had
panned out, I turned to self-reflection. I started to question characteristics
about myself. I’d always been considered “quirky” or “weird” even for the nerd
world. My teachers said it was normal for someone who was advanced on an intellectual
level yet still at his chronological age on a social one; that this was normal
for kids who had been accelerated. But now I started to question it more.
Danton had planted a seed causing me to wonder not just who I was, but where I
came from.

Besides my quirky traits, I thought about my family. Every
one had its oddballs, which you overlook as they’re relatives. I thought about
my family line to see if anything Danton said could possibly ring true. Did we
have gargoyle blood in us? Giving my relatives a mental shakedown to see what I
could pinpoint as different, I discovered I didn’t even know what to look for.

Over the weekend, I called my parents’ house to make sure
they were home. When I arrived, my mother had a pot of coffee brewing. She
poured us each a cup, hers in the World’s Best Mom mug I painted for her when I
was twelve, which still somehow hadn’t broken. My dad had a mug reading
Fishermen Do It Better, one of his favorite hobbies, which he only took a
breather from during the coldest part of the winter. Mom handed me a mug of
steaming black coffee. The mug was from MIT, one of the many pieces of
memorabilia they bought when I’d graduated, two years younger than most of the
other graduates.

We sat in the living room. My dad in his worn brown leather
recliner that was “his chair” and my mom next to me on the suede beige coach.

“What is it, Mike?” my mom asked. “You seem tense.”

“Something strange happened recently.”

“What was it?” my dad asked.

I gave them a condensed version, leaving out some of the
more graphic parts, so I could cut right to the part about Danton explaining
how he descended from an ancient family with certain capabilities and asking
about my family history. “He said he was a gargoyle.”

My parents looked at each other, communicating something
with their eyes. A cloud of seriousness descended into the room.

“Did he tell you anything else?” my dad asked.