Rockies Retreat: Destination: Desire, Book 5 (15 page)

Climax built within her with each forceful thrust, and shivers ran through her when he filled her. Their movements were in perfect sync, their eyes locking as they raced to the edge of sanity. A smile flashed across his face, so sinful it made her toes curl. He reached down and hitched her leg higher around his waist, driving in at a steeper angle that let him hit her G-spot. Goose bumps broke across her skin. God, that felt so damn good, her eyes almost rolled back in her head. But she couldn’t look away from him, needing to see and experience every single second.

He threw his head back, his neck cording as he struggled for control. It hit her that she’d never see him like this again, all civility stripped away until only the raw, wild man remained. It was a side of himself he rarely unleashed, except here with her. She’d miss that. One of a million little things she’d miss about him.

“I love you,” she whispered, her heart breaking as she arched under him. Her palms glided down his spine, and she sank her nails into his flexing buttocks, urging him to move faster, to send them both flying into oblivion.

He gave her exactly what she wanted, increasing his speed so he powered into her. Then he dipped forward and bit down on the sensitive tendon that connected shoulder to neck.

It was more than enough.

Pinpricks of light exploded behind her lids and she tumbled headlong into orgasm. He groaned and followed her, shuddering in her and over her. He collapsed on top of her, and she held him tight. But her high didn’t last as long as normal, because reality kept coming back to haunt her. Pain stabbed at her soul, knowing no matter how many times she’d see him after this, it would never be the same again. He’d never be hers again. She buried her face in his neck, not wanting him to notice the tears in her eyes. This was goodbye. Far too soon, she’d need to get up, put on her clothes, and leave.

She didn’t know how she’d survive it.

“I love you, Neil. I love you so much.”

Neil opened his eyes and stared into the pre-dawn darkness. He’d been up most of the night, unable to sleep. A bonus, considering he’d caught Laurel trying to slip away and had lured her back to bed. He’d reached for her again and again, but there was no getting his fill. He’d never, ever get enough of her, even if he spent every day of the rest of his life with her. Now she slept curled against his side, her palm resting over his heart.

A fitting position, considering she owned his heart and soul.

Sometime during the long hours he’d laid awake, he’d come to the stark realization that all his noble intentions had crumbled to nothing. Hearing her say she loved him had tipped him over the edge.

She stirred, her lashes brushing his chest as her eyes opened. She didn’t say a word, didn’t move. Sunrise began to filter murky light through the window, but they stayed where they were. He had no idea what she might be thinking, though he knew he couldn’t let what he’d said the night before be the last conversation they had. She deserved the truth, at the very least. Then she could decide what she wanted.

“I can’t do it.” His voice emerged a low rasp, and she jerked against him.

“Do what?” She rolled to her back and he propped himself on an elbow so he could look at her.

“Walk away from you.”

Moisture pooling in her eyes, she swallowed hard. “Oh.”

That was it, just
oh
. He didn’t even know what to make of that, but it hadn’t sounded particularly enthusiastic. “I should, you know. Walk away. My life is a hot mess. I’ll just tie you down.”

Her gaze met his, and anger sparked where the tears had been. “Did you ever think that might be what I need?”

He shook his head. The idea was as ludicrous as claiming a caged bird was better off never being allowed to fly.

“I’ve been flitting from one place to another most of my adult life.” She fluttered her hand through the air. “I could use some roots, some place where I’m needed, people who love me unconditionally. The only person in the entire world who’s ever felt that way about me is my older brother. My parents sure as hell don’t.”

“I do.”

She snorted. “No, you care about me and will never forget me. That’s nowhere near the same thing.”

Locking his gaze with hers, he let her see everything he felt. No hiding, no more barriers. “I love you, Laurel. More than I ever thought I’d love another woman again. More than life itself.” He glanced aside, confessing the fear that had really held him back. “I just think you should have someone less…burdened, less serious, more spontaneous and upbeat like you are.”

“I’ve dated a lot of men like that, and I’m still single.” Her eyebrows arched, an edge of frustration in her words. “Apparently, they aren’t my type. Apparently, I fall in love with complicated, hot mess workaholics. No matter how hard I try not to.”

God, he loved it when she said she loved him. He didn’t think he could ever hear it often enough, even if she told him a million times. But love wasn’t enough, was it? They both needed more. “I am a workaholic. Or I have been for a lot of years. It was one thing to immerse myself in work after the divorce—I just wanted to forget that my life was in fucking shambles—but it’s another thing to think I can keep that pace and still give my daughter what she needs now that she lives with me full-time. I’ve basically been setting myself up for failure.”

A glimmer of hope shone in her eyes. “So you’re cutting back?”

“Yeah, you were right.” He lifted her hand to his lips, kissed her palm. “I don’t need the money; I don’t have to say yes to every offer. I’m going to pick what I like to do best and delegate the rest.”

The hope mixed with doubt. “Are you sure you can actually do that?”

He understood her skepticism. She knew him. She’d been there to see how he operated all summer. He was anything but easygoing, and slowing down wasn’t exactly in his vocabulary. At least not yet. “Maybe…you can be there to remind me.”

Her eyes slammed closed and a tear tracked down her cheek. “Don’t do this to me, Neil. Don’t jerk me around with this
it’s over but I can’t walk away
,
I love you but want you to be with someone else
shit.”

Fierce jealousy clawed at him. Yes, he thought she should have better than him, but the idea that she might really turn to another man made him want to put his fist through a wall. “I want the best for you because I love you. But I don’t know that I’m what’s best for you. I have another year, maybe a year and a half, before I make it through the contracts I’ve already signed. Vi and I are relocating our lives, and you’d better believe I’ll be watching like a hawk to make sure nothing happens at her new school.”

Resignation quashed whatever hope was left in her gaze when she met his eyes. “You don’t have time for me. Of course.”

“I’m trying to tell you what we’re up against.” He tightened his grip when she tried to tug her hand away. “I want you to understand what you’d be facing if you really mean it when you say you don’t want our relationship to end. I wanted to give you the easy way out because I thought that was best for you.”

“You don’t want to give me the easy way out now?” she challenged, her lips flattening into a tight line.

“Fuck no!” Okay, not the most romantic turn of phrase, but her mouth relaxed enough to twist into a reluctant grin. “I was trying to do the right thing, and…God, if you hadn’t actually said you loved me, I might have pulled it off.”

She shook her head, her hair rustling against the pillowcase. “You had to know, deep down, how I felt.”

“Denial is a powerful thing, sweetheart. I knew you cared.” He winced at the insipid word. It tasted as bland rolling off his tongue as it had last night. “You said you wanted to continue seeing each other. You said you loved me. I need you to know what that will mean for you, for us, at least for the next eighteen months. If you’re willing to ride this out with me, then I’m selfish enough to let you. I never wanted to let you go, but I would have. For your sake.”

She huffed out a derisive laugh. “For a smart man, you’re an idiot sometimes.”

“No arguments here.” He waited tensely as she went silent. She searched his face for a long time, searching for…he didn’t know what, but he hoped she found it.

“You swear you’ll learn to delegate?”

“Once we move, I’m going to hire a personal assistant. I’ll hire a temp as soon as I get back to LA. It’ll free up some time, but an assistant can’t write for me.” He shrugged, offering a self-deprecating smile. “Also? You can kick my ass if I don’t pick up this delegation thing fast enough. I’m guessing Vi will help you.”

“Girl power.” She nodded. “We have to stick together.”

He brushed his lips over her palm again. “She told me to ask you to move in with us.”

Her breath caught, those dark eyes going wide, so vulnerable it made his heart ache.

“I want that,” he told her. “I want that so much. You and me and Vi, together as a family. If that’s what you want too. Or we can go slower. Whatever works for you. Just…be willing to stick it out with me.”

Her thumb rubbed over the back of his hand. “Are you still upset that she came to me with secrets and not you?”

“No. I know you’re asking because we’d have to deal with that again if we stayed together.” He’d made some peace about what happened with Violet. He didn’t need to be a perfect father—he’d done his best to be there for her, and he knew she loved him. This wouldn’t be her only big secret, and he had to accept, as Laurel had mentioned, that part of growing up was having his daughter try to figure things out on her own. Sometimes that would work well, and sometimes it would blow up horribly. Asking questions, being present and ready to listen when she wanted to talk was enough. Even then, he’d make mistakes as a parent. He could only apologize when he messed up and try to do better.

He looked at Laurel. “I’m glad Vi had someone she felt comfortable confiding in, and I’m glad that you clued me in on deeper problems so we could figure out a workable solution. She’s maturing into a wonderful, responsible, ambitious young woman, and I’m proud of my part in helping her become the person she is and will be. I’ll try to show her how to not take on too much, but everyone makes mistakes. Her, me, everyone.” He sighed. “The perfectionist in me has to deal with that simple fact. I don’t always like it, but I can deal.”

“With the occasional minor flip out thrown in where you try to shove me out of your life.” The words wobbled a bit, the hurt he’d caused stamped on her face.

“I’m sorry.” He kissed her brow, her cheeks, the tip of her nose, her lips. “I’m sorry, and I love you. I’ll never try to do what’s best for you again, I swear.”

The joke fell flatter than a pancake because her eyes welled with tears and her free hand slapped his chest. “You are the best thing for me. Get that through your thick skull, Graves.”

“I’m trying.” For her? He’d do damn near anything. “Until I believe that, why don’t I just say I’d feel like the luckiest bastard in the world if you’d consider forgetting everything I said about breaking up?”

“I’ll consider it.” She drew in a breath. “You wanted to give me fair warning about your schedule and some of the big adjustments hitting your life.” She looked down at their linked fingers. “I guess you deserve the same fair warning from me. Because of my history, I’m always going to be oversensitive about work taking precedence over family. I will call you on it if I think you’re heading too far out into workaholic-land. I’ll be too scared that letting things slide will mean there’s no way back, and that I’d be giving you permission to put me last. You’re going to have to deal with my paranoia, at least until I trust that back in the real world, you really will make me a priority.”

“That’s fair. I’ll do everything in my power to make sure you understand every single day just how important you are to me. I don’t want you to let me get away with anything.” He rested his forehead against hers, craving the closeness. “I’m probably going to need a few reminders after so many years of being a slave to my deadlines. But I swear I’ll discuss it with you before I agree to take on anything new, so you’ll have a chance to speak up if you foresee a problem.”

“Deal.” She cupped the back of his head, and he felt her shaky exhalation against his skin. “I’m game if you are. I don’t want to lose you, not without even trying.”

There were a lot of important decisions ahead of them—like where to call home—but he figured as long as they could make those choices together, and kept choosing to make each other the priority, they might just make this last. It sounded pretty damn good to him, anyway. Then again, any future that had Laurel in it seemed right next door to heaven. He still wasn’t quite convinced he deserved her, but he was smart enough to keep her.

Forever, if he had his way.

She fidgeted, and he leaned back to meet her eyes.

“If it’s okay with you, I want to live in Half Moon Bay, near my brother. I don’t want to miss my nephew growing up the way I did when I was traveling.”

Well, that resolved one big uncertainty. Nice. “You’re going to give Violet those cousins I’ve denied her.”

“My brother will anyway.” Mirth filtered through her voice. “But I’m happy to take those brownie points.”

Something shifted in her expression, her merriment fading. She glanced away, but not before he saw the questions in her gaze.

“What?” He tapped her chin. “Something else is on your mind.”

Her lips twisted. “It’ll bring up a sore point.”

“Okay. I’m ready.” He hesitated. “As long as you’re not changing your mind.”

“No, not at all.” She squeezed his fingers tight. “And I want you to know that no matter how you answer this, I’m not going to change my mind. But if we’re planning for the future…”

“Okay.” But he couldn’t help the way his muscles grew taut.

“Would you—” Her words seem to stall out. “Would you ever want to have more kids?”

“You mean if we got married?” Now that was a suggestion with promise.

She gave him a sideways glance. “Marriage isn’t really a requirement for making babies, but sure…if we tied the knot, would you want more children? You made a pretty darn good one with Violet.”