Rocked to the Core (7 page)

"Okay. So, does it concern you that your most popular song is a ballad? Most of your music has a harder edge."

"We love connecting with our fans. And yeah, we're a rock band, but we've got hearts too. And sometimes that side touches people in a way that a party song won't. I write what I feel, and sometimes that's anger. Other times it's a need to get wild. And sometimes it's a little more tender." He blushed and shrugged his shoulders.

The reporter leaned over and pursed her lips. "I sense some juicy gossip. Come on Joe, your fans want to know. Who is the girl with the 'sweet face and sinful lips' you wrote about? Is she someone real?"

"Of course. But I want to keep my private life private. I'll just say relationships are complicated, even when you think you know someone's right for you from the second you meet. Nothing is perfect, but love is worth fighting for."

The reporter, and the rest of the band were silent, stunned by his impassioned words and heartfelt tone.

"Wow," she finally continued. "Deep words from Joe Hawk. I know I'd be melting if I was the girl someone talked like that about. We'll be back with more from Dream Defiled after the break. Stay tuned."

~*~

"Well?"

"Well what?"

Kelly rolled her eyes. "Come on, Liss. That boy is out of his head for you. He was practically crying."

"He was not."

"Were we watching the same interview? Tough guy rock stars do not get all gooey in public unless it means something."

I sighed. "Kelly, I know. I've never doubted how much Joe cares about me. But it isn't that simple."

"Why not? Because of Zach?"

"What? No." I shook my head. "That was a mistake, a test. Stupid. I love Joe. But my love for him doesn't make the problems go away."

"True. But hiding from him doesn’t make the love go away either."

I glared at her. "I hate you."

"You adore me. And I'm right."

"Yes. That's what I hate."

"So?"

"So I'll go talk to him." I owed him that. Owed myself that.

"You can do more than talk."

I blushed, realizing I still hadn't told her I'd slept with Joe the last time I saw him. "Whatever. Can we get back to talking about the article? I have some things I think you can help me with."

"Fine. You talk about work, I'll pick out an outfit for you. Something that screams 'forget that invitation to the Playboy mansion and stay home with me' should do it."

"Huh? Joe got invited to the Playboy mansion?"

"It's in the second part of the interview. Wanna watch it?"

"No, I don't think I do. But…did he want to go?"

All of my insecurities rushed through my brain at the thought of Joe surrounded by skinny, fake-tanned and fake-boobed Playmates. Even if we figured out a way to be together, that would be my life, right? The fat girlfriend at home while the hot rock star partied with celebrities and wannabes. I tugged at a loose thread on the bottom of my shirt, oblivious to whatever Kelly was saying. Could I really go to work every day and see pictures of him all over the country doing who know what? Could our love and my self-esteem survive that for a month, a year, forever?

It didn't matter. I couldn't spend any more time in limbo with him. It was time to end it once and for all.

He opened the door and retreated to his bed. I dropped my purse on the floor and stared out the window behind him, watching night fall over the city.

"We need to talk," I said.

"I know. But I've told you what I want. You have to tell me, now."

"We had this conversation once before."

"Yes." He raked his fingers through his hair. "And then you left. Again and again."

"I know. I'm sorry."

"I don't want you apology, Liss. I want this to stop."

"That's why I'm here."

"Good. So go on. Say what you want to."

I looked at him and saw something new, something that broke my heart. He seemed smaller, less alive than ever before. I'd done that to him and it made me want to puke.

"I…I love you." I hadn't meant to say that, but it was true.

Joe's eyes widened and he shook his head. "You're an actual crazy person."

"What?"

He barked out a laugh. "Woman, you are nuts. You've been driving me up the wall for half a year and after all this you come in here to tell me you
love me
? I know that, stupid. If I didn't we wouldn't be here."

"Huh?" My head was spinning. I had no idea what he was talking about or where this conversation was going. All of the things I'd been planning to say on the way over disappeared and I just stood there.

"Liss, I started falling in love with you the first night we met. On the walk back to your apartment and it only gets stronger every day. I love you so much my skin hums with it. And I knew it was happening for you too. I could see it in your eyes, feel it in the way you touched me. And I can see it in you now, but that doesn't change anything.

"I am all out of ways to do this. I've tried being forceful, tried being understanding, tried being absent. Nothing works. Whatever is going on in your brain that won't let you take a chance on us is beyond my control.

"The only thing I want more than you is for you to be happy. And I have to accept that for whatever reason you're not when we're together. I didn't see how you struggled on tour. I was distracted and blinded by how much fun I was having. But I see it now. And it hurts to me too."

"Joe, stop." I put my hand up. "I didn't come here to fight."

He stood up and crossed his arms. "Oh I know."

"What does that mean?"

"Why do you think it means? I fight for us. I've always fought for us. You just run and hide at the first sign of trouble. You can say you love me, but it means nothing when what you do is act like you hate me, hate us."

"I don't."

"Then tell me why."

"Because. You don't understand. We're so different."

"I
can't
understand if you won't tell me, so tell me."

"You told me once about joining your first band. How it made you feel, how you knew it was what you were supposed to do. And here you are, doing it. That's amazing. But I don't have that thing. I'm still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up."

"So? You're twenty-one, Liss. Not fifty-one. You have time."

"Maybe. And maybe I have found it, or I'm trying to. But I'm not sure and I can't figure it out sitting on a tour bus. Or waiting at home for you to come back. I can't just be your girlfriend."

"That's not what I want from you. I'm not a child. I wanted you with me on the road because I love being around you. But I can miss you for a few days or weeks and then be so happy to see you. It isn't all or nothing."

"I think it is."

"Why?"

"Because what happens then? When weeks turns into months and some of those groupies start to look good. And I start to look bad."

"Liss, if I wanted to fuck groupies I'd be fucking groupies, not standing here arguing with you about this again. I think you're the most beautiful woman I've ever met. Inside and out. I don't want anyone else."

"But that could change."

"Yes, it could. And I could die in a plane crash or fall down stairs and get amnesia or wake up and realize I'm in love with Dex. Anything can happen. Well, except that last one. But you get what I mean." He laughed ruefully. "No one knows what tomorrow will bring. And we could break up in a year or ten years or never. But it's worth the risk. Every single day with you is precious to me."

"I feel the same way," I whispered, tears dripping down my face.

"No you don't," he spat. "You won't even try if things aren't perfect."

"That's not true."

"It is. You talk about us like we're this fire that consumes you, but that's a lie. If we were so strong you wouldn't find it so easy to leave over and over again."

"I…" He was right. I kept him and my feelings for him far enough away that they couldn't catch me when I ran. "You're right. But I'm scared. Scared you'll leave me. Scared I'm not enough for you."

"So you leave first?"

"Yeah."

"That's dumb. And I can't let you do it to my anymore."

"I won't."

"You say that, but I don't believe you." He rubbed his face. "God, I want to just come over there and kiss you. Hold you and forget about all of this. But I won't. You have to decide. You have to choose us instead of your fear.

"I am willing to fight for us. I'll cancel a tour, quit the band, and work at the diner if that's what you want."

"Darrell would never hire you."

"No, he wouldn't. I'd eat all the pancakes. But if I really thought that would make you happy and stay with me I'd do it. But it won't. Because you're scared of yourself, not me, and there's nothing I can do about that."

"So what does that mean?"

"It means you think about it. And the next time we talk you tell me, one way or the other. Make it work or move on."

"But how can we make this work?"

"I don't know. We can figure it out. But only if you're willing to really try."

"Okay," I whispered.

"Okay." He walked over and raised his hand to my face, wiping my tears away. "Go home. Call me when you've made a decision."

"That's it?"

"Maybe. That all depends on you now." He walked into the bathroom and shut the door.

I looked around the room, strewn with clothes and the notepads he wrote songs on. Joe had bared his soul to me and I wasn't sure what to do about it. So I went home and thought.

~*~

I called in sick to work the next day and avoided Kelly's calls. The only person I communicated with was the features editor for the Weekly Word. We set up a meeting to talk next week and he told me he loved the article and wondered if I had ideas for more. I said I did. He seemed happy and told me to bring some notes when we met in person.

The next morning I was flipping through some text books, reading up on the fundamentals of journalism. I thought about digging into a story, confronting the truth, whatever it turned out to be. And I confronted the truth about everything Joe had said to me.

I'd been so busy feeling sorry for myself that I'd ignored his feelings. That was cruel and unfair. And then I'd kissed Zach. It was just more hiding.

When I left to join Joe on the road I thought the adventure would turn me into a different person, give me a new life. It hadn't. But neither had discovering writing and hanging out on a college campus. I wasn't either of those girls. I was pieces of both.

Pieces of both, just like Joe. He was a soulful, private man and a charismatic rock star. Suddenly it all made sense. We both walked in more than one world, and maybe that was out strength instead of our weakness. If we could straddle those lines while holding on to each other we could be steady together, less likely to fall.

I got dressed and make a quick phone call. I drove to the studio where Dex told me Joe was working and wandered my way through to find him.

He was sitting on a sofa with his guitar and a pile of notes, working on a song.

"Joe."

He looked up and smiled. "Hey." His eyes scanned down my body, carefully dressed to please him. Short skirt and a low-cut top, the same outfit I'd worn the first time we had sex. "You look nice."

"Do you recognize the outfit?"

"Nope. But I'm a fan of the body under it."

I laughed. "Yeah, well. You might not be in a minute."

"Does that mean you made a decision?"

"Yes. But first I need to tell you something."

He put down the guitar. "That sounds serious."

"It is. I kissed someone else."

"Since yesterday?"

"No, before."

"Oh."

"I'm not saying this to hurt you. You deserve the truth."

"Okay."

"Here's the thing, though. I kissed him and that was all. Because he wasn't you."

"I get it, and I'm not mad as long as you're not here to tell me you want to go be with him."

I shook my head. "No. And I think I only did it to prove I could, to show myself I wasn't yours. That you didn't own my heart. But you do. And I want you to. No matter how hard this has been, I can't ignore the truth anymore. I was always so scared you'll want someone else, that this would end and I'd be broken. But leaving you is what broke me.

"And even when we've been arguing I feel more alive than ever now that you're back in my life. You said you could see that I love you and I see the same thing in your face. And I hear it in your words. The ones you wrote in that song and the ones you speak. And if you love me half as much as I love you then I am stupid to worry about anyone getting between us. Because no one could ever have my heart the way you do."

"That's how I feel too."

"I know that now. And I might get scared again but I want to make you see how much I mean it. And trust you. And love you. All this time I was trying to change the wrong things. I'm done with that and ready to move on together."

He stood up and walked over to me, standing so close I could smell his skin. I inhaled deeply and closed my eyes. "What about our uncertain future?"

"It doesn't matter. Every day with you
is
precious to me too. No more running. I'm in this thing until the end. If that's next week or next year never."

He smiled faintly at the repetition of his words. "Prove it."

"I will. I'll start today and never stop. But first I need to do one more thing."

He raised his eyebrows. "I'm in."

"Not that, silly. Tell me why you love me."

He cocked his head to the side as if wondering whether or not I was serious. Seeing that I was, he finally spoke. "Okay. I love you because you're smart and funny clumsy. You're gorgeous and sexy and kind. Sometimes I want to smack you upside the head because you don't see how wonderful and magnetic you are, but that's part of your charm too.

"I love the way you look at me and the way my name sounds when you say it. I love the way your skin feels under my touch and the way your hair tickles my face when I kiss you.

"I love how thoughtful you are about everything, even if it gets in your way sometimes.