Rock Notes (Book One of the Heartbeat Series) (15 page)

I slowly stepped into the Intensive Care Unit and froze. Before me was my father, one who was an officer of the law that many looked up to, once my idol of strength and a large man who towered above me. Now he was here in this bed weak, curled up and partially paralyzed. It had been several months that he and I had not spoken and this moment was the same. In silence I stood just taking in the sight in front of me and holding back my tears. I pulled a stool next to him and gently touched the back of his hand, lightly stroking. I heard a gasp from my father as he slowly opened his eyes. I dropped his hand and leaned in and said, “Dad it’s me, Maddy. I’m here.” I continued to speak to him. “You didn’t have to do this just to have me come to visit.” He cleared his throat a bit and still held my eyes.

“Maaddyy” he spoke slowly and his eyes glistened. I didn’t want him to get upset and told him we could talk later. He was a persistent man and seemed like there was something he wanted to let me know. He began, “I neevver meant to huurrt you Madison.” He continued that he hoped that Thomas and I would stay together, as he had wanted with my mother, Grace. My father said he never wanted to face a day alone. That being on the police force was a risk every day and when the day was done he wanted to know he had his loved ones to return to. My father said that he knew inside that Grace was in love with his brother Jake. When my mother left him, he asked her never to return as it would only hurt him.

As my father continued slowly talking about the day my mother left, it took me back long ago to when I asked “Mom are you and dad in love?” My mother looked at me and said, “Yes, Madison, but it’s a different love I feel for your dad, it’s a safe love, not a passionate love. Sometimes you can truly love one person, and then be conflicted to be so in love with another.” My thoughts were interrupted by my father’s gasp. My father now had my complete attention and he said, “Madison I wanntt you to know that yoouu must follow your heart, and if it is not with Thomas, then find where your heart longs to go. Thomas is a good man, a kind man, I am thankful for the relationship I haavve with him, and he knows that.” I followed my father’s eyes to Thomas’s as he had walked in and been standing right behind me. I looked up to Thomas with a compassionate smile and my father took that in.

We both remained there for quite awhile, and my father as tired as he was, he continued to speak to us both. He told me that he so often sent Grace updates about me, my writing, my column, my wedding but she only replied once. She said that she left to follow her heart, but she knew that hurt my father and me. She said that she and Jake could never face us again after that. I wondered all these years what he had told her as he never let me know until now.

The ICU night nurse came in and told us we really should let him rest. I leaned into my father’s forehead, I kissed it and left my lips pressed to his head for a long moment. I rose and pulled Thomas in for a hug. I promised my father I would be back and for him to get some sleep and have pleasant dreams. I pulled from Thomas to whisper into my father’s ear just as he was closing his tired eyes, “Dad I love you so much, you’re the best.” I turned and pools of tears overflowed the edges of my eyes.

I was going to spend the night at the hospital in the waiting area until Thomas suggested that I crash at his condo, actually our condo before we divorced that was only a few streets from the city hospital. After a lot of coaxing I agreed. I had all my luggage and items I needed with me anyway from traveling. As I left the ICU and headed with Thomas to his condo, I powered up my phone and saw that Rand had tried to call me but my phone went directly to my voicemail and he did not leave a message. I knew it was well into the San Antonio concert hour, so I did not want to call and leave a voice message. I knew that they had scheduled the next three days for down time, first to complete the five hour ride to Galveston and then another day of doing some media related gig. And I remember one conversation on the plane to Austin that Rand and Maxwell were having and Rand said he needed a half day in Galveston, but I wasn’t sure for what. Right now though being so far from the band I knew where my place was and that was with my father. I knew also after the wrenching pain that I watched Rand endure over Ashley’s anniversary that I couldn’t put him through this with me. Feeling the need to talk to someone else other that Thomas, I dialed my phone.

“Jillian, hey how are you? I’m so sorry to bother you this late, but I need to talk to you. My father had a severe stroke,” I couldn’t finish speaking to her, I broke apart. Thomas took the phone I dropped to my lap and told her that I returned with him from Austin and that I was staying at his condo. He told her what hospital my father was in. I heard him clearly as my eyes were clouding, “Jillian, it doesn’t look good, please come, early tomorrow would be best.” I waved at Thomas to keep the phone, as I couldn’t talk at this moment. I would see her tomorrow. I knew in my heart that my father was not doing well. I felt it, and I also knew that was why he had to tell me as much as he could from his hospital bed. There was probably so much more he wanted to share with me, but he was drained in just the little time we were there. I knew tomorrow a lot of his police brothers would be by trying to see how he was doing too and that would hopefully raise his spirits.

When we arrived at the condo, my heart sank for another time this evening. First, seeing my father so helpless and then seeing my former home again, where I’d lost my heart not so long ago. As I walked through the door I took in the familiar surroundings. Thomas kept it neat and nearly the same as when I was here. I headed toward the bathroom down the hall to change and told Thomas I would sleep in the spare bedroom. He came down the hall only to pull me into him in gentle, comforting embrace. I felt his warmth and I hugged him back. He then carried my travel bag to the bathroom and as I entered it he leaned on the outer hallway wall, “Hey, you know I’m here for you, sleep well.”

Early in the morning I dreamed of Rand. Rand and I holding one another, as the pad of his thumb slowly rubbed along my face and neck, inching toward my chest… that soon turned to me crying that my father didn’t make it. I must have cried out loud because I soon felt warm arms envelop me. I burrowed tightly onto the arms and kissed the hands that were so near to my chest. I took the pad of his thumb to my lips and then pulled it to my chest. My cries became whimpers and then faded into a smooth sleeping rhythm.

When I awoke I was still wrapped up tightly in Thomas’s arms. I slowly slid out of his hold. I jumped when my feet touched the cold, hardwood floor. Thomas spoke, “Are you alright? I came in earlier when I heard you crying in your sleep. I couldn’t resist holding you until you stopped.” I stood and leaned over to thank him with a kiss to his cheek and he turned to catch my lips to his, but I backed away.

I walked down the hallway and found my phone and checked it for messages. I had a few. First Jillian wasn’t happy that I was here at the condo. She didn’t know if I was here because we were trying to repair our relationship or if it was of my father being ill. She was coming over with breakfast shortly to get me to the hospital. The second message was also from Jillian. She said that Raeford called her early this morning asking why I left them without a word, and with my ex-husband. Kent told the band when he saw me leave I looked torn. And then there was a text from Rand, my heart jumped but all it read was –

Why?

I remembered the text I sent to him yesterday asking if we could talk. It seemed like days ago. I wondered if that was the “Why?” or if he was asking why I left. I couldn’t do this with him right now…

The doorbell chimed, I knew it was Jillian, my savoir. “Oh Jillian,” I hugged her and cried. “Madison, it will be alright, let’s go see your father together, he knows I am his other daughter.” We laughed; she really was like a sister to me.

“Madison, I hate to get you upset any more, but Raeford called me this morning. Maxwell was upset because Rand was off in his performance in San Antonio. He said Rand seemed angry. Raeford said they were heading to Galveston for a few days and then they would be back here. He asked me why you left, I told him your father wasn’t doing well. I’m sure he’ll tell Rand. Raeford said you and your dad are in his prayers. I told him I would keep them posted.”

Thomas entered the kitchen, and walked over and gave Jillian a big hug. I know they had their differences when it came to me but they appeared to table it to keep me calm and help me through this time with my father. I was thankful they were getting along and that she brought breakfast, as I was actually able to get a few bites of food down. I needed some strength to carry me through this.

The ICU floor was mostly quiet as only family members were allowed to visit. Stepping off the elevator it looked like they were giving away something free there today in the waiting area. It was filled with so many familiar faces – my father’s precinct friends and former partners. I welcomed them all and told them that I could only sneak one or two of them in claiming they were my uncles. A few of them did get the chance to see him throughout the day; he really didn’t wake like last night, only tossed in his bed a bit. I sat with him and I talked to him and Thomas joined me and held my hand while I held my father’s frail hand. Jillian also came in with me for a while and spoke to my father about crazy things she and I have done. With all the visitors that came to see him, no one left, the waiting room was crowded and some of the guys spoke of my father and his police days, remembering several close calls. We did break during the afternoon, Jillian, Thomas and I went to the cafeteria to have something to eat.

As nightfall came upon us, I wasn’t hungry and wanted to stay close as my father’s doctors revealed he was slipping. Thomas and Jillian and others went to get some dinner. I remained seated on the tiny stool that rolled about in his room, only rolling it closer to my father’s bedside. I lifted his hand and stroked the back lightly. I thought maybe he would feel this and awake. Then I leaned over and kissed his hand. The monitors started to sound, I didn’t know what to do, I buzzed the nurse, but she was already entering, she asked me to move back. It only took her seconds, mere seconds, to turn back to me and tell me that he passed. I was lifeless, I couldn’t move, I felt panicked and I dropped my head to my hands and sobbed. I walked over to my father’s bedside and bawled like a tiny child. I then passed the nurse and the doctor that had come in and thanked them for their help the past few days. As I walked out of his room and down toward the waiting room feeling numb and alone, I glanced at the wall clock it had been nine o’clock and time for one my father’s favorite detective dramas on the television. I pushed past the doors to the waiting area, and as I did, Thomas saw my eyes and jumped toward me.

“Oh, Thomas, hold me please, I need you,” I cried.

Thomas kept me in his arms, as he moved me over to sit me down, I saw his eyes widen shooting a look at something or someone. I glanced around the room and saw Jillian along with all of the wonderful people that my father meant something to and then I focused on the person exiting the room. Through my teary eyes, I saw the back of someone, their dark hair, just bordering at the shoulder line. Rand had been there, or I wanted him there so badly that I just though he was.

Days after someone passes are the hardest. You have to begin to make plans to sum up what their life was in one evening of a viewing and then another day of the memorial. If it weren’t for Thomas and Jillian I don’t know what I would have done. They helped me with all the arrangements. The viewing was done beautifully. So many flowers were delivered and as I walked that evening into the funeral parlor with Jillian before anyone was to arrive I knew it would be a long lingering evening of friends. I was saddened that my mother would not be here, and I knew so many years had passed but there was a longing to see her again. And, even my father’s brother Jake, my uncle Jake, I had loved him when I was growing up, he was the fun uncle, the irresponsible one I was told, and yet he was now the keeper of my mother’s heart.

I walked up toward my father’s coffin as he was laid out so dignified. There were so many flower arrangements; I began to read the cards, many from fellow officers and their wives, one from Thomas that was lovely. Jillian and I chose my favorite crème roses for my father and that was stunning in presentation just above the casket, then off to the side, I saw an arrangement of deep red roses and I read the card that said:
John, we will both carry you in our hearts forever, Grace & Jake.
I held my breath. I shivered, someone told them and I knew they wouldn’t show here but they knew and acknowledged him. I was happy for that. It was then that Jillian took hold of me and led me away as I was starting to tear and another arrangement caught my eye. Over the top in size, I’d never seen so many crème roses with dark pink edges, you would need a large wagon to haul it out of here. I approached the bountiful floral arrangement and inhaled the incredible aroma and read the card –
Mr. Thomas McCormick (Mick)
,
I would have been honored to have met the man who created the lovely Madison, watch over her from above now, and I promise I will from here below. Max Rand

Jillian held me and kept me from falling, Rand never ceased to amaze me. He wasn’t even here and I felt him and hoped my father could too. She then told me, “Madison, Rand was at the hospital the day your father passed. I knew he flew in and was in the waiting room during the day. I spoke to him and he was very concerned about your father’s condition and also wondered why you returned to your ex-husband.”

“What, I didn’t go back to Thomas, why would he think that?”

“Well all I know is Rand was there when you came out from your father’s room after he passed away and fell into Thomas’s arms.”

“Raeford told me that he and Rand had to return to Galveston for their show tonight. I really didn’t know what was going on with you, you and him, or you and Thomas. You haven’t really filled me in.” I looked at Jillian and said, “Nothing is going on with Thomas and me, I can’t believe Rand was actually here.” I broke into pieces.